The World According to... Boring John

And finally?

2009-01-01T21:29:00.004Z

"A blog is a Web site, usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video. Entries are commonly displayed in reverse-chronological order."

... blah, blah, blah. Thus speaks Wikipedia. As for me, well all I know is that blogging takes a lot of time and energy. I mean, all that updating on a regular basis, all that keeping up with the Joneses - who's got time for it? Not me, that's for sure.

So if all you're interested in is finding it out first or funniest, then you will not want to explore my lil' blog. You'll see the date - Jan 1st, 2009 - and think to yourself who wants to read yesterday's news.

Who indeed?

And what I say to you in return is a polite "adios amigo" - I hope you get your fill of all that up-to-date whizz-bang BLOG, I really do. See ya!...

And to anyone else still left reading I say take a look around! Read what happened in May 2006. Wonder what I know about wisdom, words or welationships. Or take a peek around the world in 30 days.

As I said, blogs have voracious appetites for new content. Content, content, content! New, new, new! And I just ain't got time for it! And I know dammed well that you ain't read hardly any of the stuff I've written so far.

So, please, get reading. Check out the labels on the left, and dive in. I do not bite. Not unless you ask me, of course.

Cos I'm off, see! Got bigger fish to fry. (I hope.) Go on! Click on those links on the left hand side. It won't hurt. I promise. And leave the actress and the bishop alone, eh!

---

And so, as 2009 begins, I'd like to bow out with a few last sentences. Both have been used many times before, but they've never made an appearance together. So give it up for...

And it's goodbye from me, and it's goodbye from Him!

and
"That's how two characters should dance together in life."

THE END

Day 30: Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T12:01:00.002Z

To everyone that either knows me or Him, Merry Christmas.

And may you get what you want in your Christmas stockingS(!).

If it's a gift from me (or Him) then apologies in advance - we lost your address (or never had it in the first place).

Day 29: Now We're Talking...

2008-12-24T11:29:00.005Z

Boy, I got so much to say and so little time.

Let's kick off with a little bit of night music, shall we. No, there's no Mozart below - it's music by a Brit, no less: Mr Elgar. And there's also one Jaqueline Dupre letting her genius shine on through.

Now I'm more into Beethoven meself, but I'm just doing Him a favour by putting this here! He wants to put a marker down, see, as 2009 approaches. And I'm all for doing it doggie-style - territorially speaking, of course.

Anyway, I'll shut up. Listen. Enjoy. Read on...

Can anything be stranger than fiction?

Well, just ask Harold Crick, I suppose, or read more than 5 posts of this blog.

That Harold Crick's a morbid one, though. I mean what sort of line is this to run by your one and only friend in the world?...

"If you knew you were gonna die, possibly soon, what would you do?"

Still, it's a line that will be making a comeback in a second novel coming soon.

And the name of that novel?

You Only Die Twice

(By the way, not one single word has been written so far. Ah, that's a lie! The first line has been written. Yep, it's one of those books inspired by a single sentence. Again! I just thank the lucky stars I have nothing to do with it. Well at least I hope I don't!)

Even James Bond...

...suffers from the odd bout of angst, it seems. (With a face like that - as if he's got a moutful of wasps in his gob - ol' Daniel C. does well to keep it just the odd bout, if you ask me!) Still, as my lines start to run out, I guess I should take a quantum of solace from that fact. Guess so. Yes, even JB has to think about more than King and Country sometimes.

As for BJ...

Well, it'll soon be Christmas!

Day 28: More Boring John EXTRAS

2008-12-23T11:00:00.004Z

It seems The World According to Boring John has been 'made smaller'.

Yes, at the final hurdle some 10,000 words were culled, deleted - deemed not to be 'quite right'.

And that means more words for the Boring John Extras ebook. Extras like these gems that had to be removed for reasons of copyright...

1. First line / last lines

The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemingway

“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.”

and

“The old man was dreaming about the lions.”

(Great book, by the way.)

And Ken Kesey’s novel, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, starts with these lines: “They’re out there. Black boys in white suits up before me to commit sex acts in the hall and get it mopped up before I can catch them.”

and it finishes with this one

“I been away a long time.”

2. More book references...

Now both Anna Karenina (Leo Tolstoy) and The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera) get a mention

--

More coming soon. Promise.

Day 27: "Itty bitty, but satisfying!" (*)

2008-12-22T12:35:00.005Z

Dear Ms Itty Bitty,

If you ever get time to finish the whole of that 2-character gig We sent you, then We'd love to hear your one-sentence review, We really would!

We'll even put it on the back cover, when it gets pubished - promise!

And, as we're pretty sure the card is not in the post, We'll wish you a Merry Christmas now:

Wesołych Świąt Bożego Narodzenia!

Wow, what a mouthful! (**)

(*) We are assured that this is not what the actress said to the Bishop!
(**) Neither was that.

Day 26: One Day in the Life of...

2008-12-21T20:06:00.006Z

One day in the life of Boring John...

(Yes, you can see why that Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn went with my mate Ivan Denisovich instead of me, can't you! Sometimes bugger all happens in my day, it really does!)

Day 25: Boring Names...

2008-12-20T12:58:00.003Z

Ian is a bit of a boring name - like John, I agree.

But that doesn't mean that some of us Johns (and Ians) can't get up to stuff, now do it!

Me and Ian Dury don't think so, anyway...

(RIP Ian, mate. Looking good!...)

Day 24: 5 Years...

2008-12-19T11:44:00.002Z

Apparently it's been more or less 5 years since He met She.

Ah, a pair matched in heaven. Or some place beginning with H, anyway.

So, to celebrate this anniversary I thought I'd let David Bowie (and his alter ego Ziggy) do their thing in a little ditty called - surprise, surprise! - 5 Years.

Take it away Mr Stardust...

PS Weren't his teeth so much better back then?

Day 23: Inspirational Quotations

2008-12-18T09:22:00.003Z

(Practicing my lines)

Some famous geezers said the following, but for the life in me I can't think who. Or maybe I got it wrong again, Dad - maybe!

Quote 1: "Be the anger you see in the world"
Quote 2: "Use what friends you possess: your phone would be very silent if no friends sang there except those that sang best"
Quote 3: "Feel the fear but run away anyway"

Be the anger you see in the world?

You heard it first, here, folks! You heard it first, here!

Day 22: Use it or...

2008-12-17T11:52:00.002Z













lose it!


(9 days left, and counting)


Your comments are always welcome, dear reader.

Day21 : Did I Make You Look?

2008-12-16T18:33:00.000Z

You dirty duck!

Day20: Bad Poetry

2008-12-15T12:25:00.007Z

An old poem from Him

Bad Poetry

Is it deliberate,
or
can I just not write
good poetry?

Is it deliberate
or
is this the only way
for me to purge
the poison-pink away?

Does it need to rhyme?
(Does she need to harm?)
Is pain, hurt, anger and hate
the only way to create?

No!

I'm smiling, as I write
Pink is not poison,
I know
This is just a lesson
to my ego. Listen!

So thank you,
"you're so vain",
for raising my value
and
for letting me
write
bad poetry

Thank you

--

And a new (rough draft, but I can't be arsed to make it better) poem from me

In The Corner

I was in the corner
of that Bristol hotel
when he first unwrapped you

I was in the corner
as you kissed
(and then hissed!)

I was in the corner

I was in the corner
Oxford's Travelodge too
Twenty-one grams trouble

I was in the corner
for your sweet-
meat revenge

I was in the corner

I was in the corner
that Thursday in Fulham -
reception-desk pink-slip

I was in the corner
you tricked your
April Fool

I was in the corner


I...

 was in...

          the corner

--

I'll leave it up to the viewers to decide which poem be best.

Day 19: Nothing to see here...

2008-12-14T23:36:00.001Z

Day 18: What Makes You Tick, Boring John?

2008-12-13T19:11:00.003Z

With apologies to Psychologies magazine for ripping off the format of their internew with Bill Nighy (he could play an older, wiser, version of me for sure) here are some questions and answers bout lil ol' me.

(Hey, it beats having to think for a living!)

Four Words That Describe You?
Sexy, Fun

(There's no need for another two words, is there!)

Is The Glass Half Empty Or Half Full?
Full

If You Wake Up At 4Am, What's On Your Mind?
It's not my mind that I'm thinking about, if you know what I mean!

What Was Your Plan B
Hmm, this is very dangerous territory dear lazy interviewer from Psychologies. Y'see Plan A was to land a James Bond-style gig - action/adventure and then, once I got out of bed, I'd head to the day job!

So Plan B was to 'start slowly' by appearing in what was sold to me as European Art/House (aka The World According to Boring John). But Plan B turned out to be ten times worse than the madhouse that was One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. European Arthouse? More like something Tracey Emin *didn't* include in her latest art 'masterpiece'.

So Plan B has played itself out. Now I'm at the mercies of faceless editors, publishers and agents (not the JB kind, alas). I may well vanish, never to be seen or heard from again...

(And wouldn't that be a pity, eh!)

Do You Ever Spend Longer Than Necessary In Front Of The Mirror?
I'm in complete agreement with Bill here in that I never look in mirrors either. But not because I'm phobic, but because I have that Fonzeralla-esque knowledge that there really is no need!

What Drives You, Fear Or Desire?
Great question. He drives me - both His fear and His desire. Bloody tiring, I can tell you, to be at the beck and call of such ferociously unsated beasts...

What's The Best Advice You've Been Given?
Never take no for an answer! ;-)

Religious, Spiritual, Humanist Or Nove Of The Above?
None. My name is Boring John. I'm an original (and only) member of the BoringJohnologists. I make my own rules, if I can, based on self-interest and pleasure, in the vain hope that I may get to influence Him to do likewise.

When And Where Were You Happiest?
Five minutes before I agreed to do The World According to Boring John gig; five mins. before I signed on the dotted line. If I only had my time again.

--

And if that hasn't completely confused you, Dear Blog Reader (I really don't know where we get these strays and wastrels, I really don't!) then you can learn more about About Me here and more About Him here.

Day 17: My Life as a Blog (Random)

2008-12-12T17:44:00.002Z

And, lastly, here are a few interesting posts I came across that may (or may not) amuse:

Other Johns I'm interested in
I've heard of a laughing gnome, but a laughing buddha
Can there be anything casual about sex?
Ooh, this was of His finer moments. Of course I had a heavy influence...

A bit more randomness follows. Soon.

Day 16: My Life as a Blog (2010)

2008-12-11T22:04:00.002Z

Er, Please see My Life as a Blog (2009)

Day 15: My Life as a Blog (2009)

2008-12-10T16:22:00.001Z

Ooh, now I'm not a mind reader (as you know) so I'm not too sure what, if anything, my life (as a blog) will be like. I rather hope that I will evolve from the pond-life that is my blog-life to something, er, more fulfilling and interactive. That is, I rather hope I get a girl (or two) in an adventure that doesn't take place out in cyberspace with no one to read me but My-As-Bored-As- Me Writer.

But, as I said, I couldn't really possibly comment as it's 2009 we're talking about here, and that time has yet to come.

Oh, sorry, I'm making all this up. I know the future and, as well as it being orange, it looks like this: My Life as a Blog (2009)

Day 14: My Life as a Blog (2008)

2008-12-09T16:05:00.004Z

Damn, not much happened in 2008. Seems He was getting high with a latest squeeze. Tch, she'll dump Ya like the rest Home Boy! (I hope so, anyway! Lol)

Still, I got to talk about The Simpsons. (Ah no, those are His words!) Okay, I got to talk about The Book and the The Book Extras. That's pretty much it. Hope 2008 was more stimulating for you, that's all I'll say!

Day 13: My Life as a Blog (2007)

2008-12-08T13:40:00.005Z

With only 102 posts, the blog took a back seat to The Book. And, as I slowly started to exercise my vocal chords there, so too did I decide that this blog was my blog and not His! (Well, it does say The World According to Boring John. It certainly don't say The World According to Boring Steve. Nope!)

So, 2007 was kinda fun. And We (mostly me) covered topics like these:

# Communication

# Fear
# Internet Dating
# Life

# People
# Problems (Hey, I got 99 of those, but...)

# Relationships
# Sex
# Tosh, and
# Wisdom

Some say 2007 was a vintage year. I say 2009 will be so much better, when I can get up to all kinds of shenanigans outside the not-so-intense gaze of both blogosphere and bookosphere.

And I shall be Prince's inspiration no more!

Day 12: My Life as a Blog (2009)

2008-12-07T22:44:00.001Z

(Nothing to see here! Move along...)

Day 11: My Life as a Blog (2006)

2008-12-06T17:31:00.003Z

This was a busy time on the blog! There were 239 posts and clearly that's far too many for me to summarise in a pithy paragaph or three. So let me highlight a few of the better posts for that year, and I'll leave it to you (dear imagined reader) to check out the rest of that fine year.

So that means this post subtitled 'My life as a boy' is really about His life as a boy. Gettit?
Men can be emotionally honest! It's true. Trouble is they need to have just had an orgasm! D'oh!
More angst and that Poem 666 rears its very ugly head again. (Did you know that this poem makes an appearance in a soon-to-be-published book? It does, though when the book is going to get published absolutely no one knows!)
Talking to yourself via a blog is less intelligent than not watching foreign films cos of the subtitles ("It hurts my head to have to read the words!") - it's official! Well it isn't official, but it's a thought for a day
And in 2006 the blog was still unduly being influence by a blonde-eyed blue-haired Monster living South of the Watford Gap river. It's Her fault that this blog exists... probably. As is the millions (hah!) He'll be earning from the book royalties. Anyway, the Sappy Bugger was/is quite into her, so He wrote daft blog pieces like this, titled: Elusive butterflies, windmills and song titles. (Thank heavens, I guess, the name for Boring John had been established back then, else I might have been given the even more ridiculous moniker of Silly Goat!)

Day 10: My Life as a Blog (2005)

2008-12-05T09:54:00.002Z

In the beginning was the word, and the word was... Well it was two words, actually - it was "Hello World!"

Yep, that's how my life as a blog began back in December 2005. December? Aye, so there can't have been that much to be said in 2005. Well, there was still strong evidence of His angst (cunningly disguised as writing ideas - indeed!) and the odd sprinkling of journalistic piss-take.

Who knew things were going to get so much more interesting in the years to come?

(Who knew indeed! And, believe me, in 2010 this blog will truly rock!)

Day 9: Time Check

2008-12-04T19:06:00.003Z

It's Day 9 of Around 'The World' in 30 Days

It's Thursday

It's five to five (well, it was 2 and a bit hours ago)

And it's, well it's not Crackerjack, but it's December 4th which is... close?

...And that's me done for another day.

Lame, I know, but I got a runny nose so what ya gonna do!...

Day 8: The Bubbly Gum Years

2008-12-03T17:23:00.009Z

Once upon a time, when The Writer Of This Blog looked a lot like the little boy you see on the left, a brief career in shop-lifting started when a single bubble gum (see below) was not-so-secretly sneaked into a little boy's pocket whilst he was in his local shop.

The eagle-eyed storekeeper of The Little Shop (for that was the shop's name) - an upstanding figure of the community, no doubt, and probably a man called Barry - noticed this misdemeanour, and simpy asked the lad to return the Bubbly and to then go home and tell his Mum just what he'd done.

Thankfully said little boy had not previously listened to Ian Dury's "Razzle in my Pocket" and so he decided that if he couldn't even lift a bloody bubbly gum then he might as well stick to the straight and narrow! So he trundled back home and confessed all...

Note: this is not the same Bubbly - just in case you were thinking!

Day 7: Mythical Creatures

2008-12-02T12:03:00.002Z

Which of these mythical creatures do you actually believe in?

Mr P Charming ("Yes, I will still love you in the morning!")
Mr/Ms Right ("Yes, you look great in that dress/suit!")
Mr Goodbar ("Yes, I wanna do that again! And I wanna do it now!")
Mr Bad Boy ("Yeah, I promise lurve not love!... I'll call ya!")
Mr Vanillah ("Yes, I promise to do all of the above! And, yes, you can call me!")

Me?

I believe in none of those buggers, that's for sure!

I believe in a Mr Good Writer - I know he's out there somewhere...

Day 6: Wise Words?

2008-12-01T18:38:00.002Z

Because I can be lazy sometimes - always, given half the chance actually - I've decided to be a bit slack with today's post. As you will now see..

So, wise words... Are these wise words? "When you lose, don't lose the lesson"

Or how about these words - "Take into account that great love and great achievement involve great risk." Are they wise?

Well, some geezer called the Dalai Lama said them. That's according to Go Go With The Flow, anyway.

As to wise words I may well once have said. Once upon a time, when the moon was yellow... These'll be them: wise words of wisdom a la Boring John.

PS And them mythical creatures will have to wait their turn till tomorrow.

Day 5: Love, life and intertnet dating

2008-11-30T13:09:00.003Z

Part of this around the world in 30 days routine is to get you bloody readers to do your bloody job and that's bloody well read the blog a bit more.

So, a nice quick and easy way for me to achieve this is to write a blog with a kind of provocative title - e.g. Love, life and internet dating - and then just link to relevant blog posts

A bit like this, really:

Life

Love

Internet Dating

Who knows you might learn something. Or, you might decide never again to visit Boring John world. In either case, a result.

(Off you go...)

PS Tomorrow's post will be about mythical creatures (beginning with V).
PPS And maybe I'll write a proper post about love, life and internet dating a la Him the day after - who knows!

Day 4: Dear Readers

2008-11-29T20:20:00.005Z

How can I expect to get more than one blog reader if I write blog posts for a specific reader (see Day 3)? I can't. So, this blog post is for you - dear other readers.

Get in touch, and let me know what you think, or what you'd like me to moan on about - I may even write you a poem, if suitably inspired.

As for our regular reader, she can get in touch too. But no more poems. Don't wanna spoil ya, do I?

Day 3: Dear Reader

2008-11-28T16:58:00.005Z

Dear Reader,

I know I said I was going to stop talking about the reader-writer relationship, and talk about 'real' stuff and such, but I just can't seem to help it - it's in my blood right now.

I know that, once upon a time the blog use to be about important stuff like The Simpsons (and feeling smug about them). And then, when I took over the show, the blog'd be about how easy it is to be a man and such (bloody stupid Rudyard Kipling and his impossible rhymes!), but now it's all about me and you, the dear reader.

How post-modern!

How la la la!

(Tch!)

Trouble is, right now, this blog has just the one dear reader - a blonde who has seen better days (just like the rest of us, eh!).

So let me reprise a little something that was written for our precious dear reader aka the Terence Stamp One, a while ago. I call it Mango.

(Ahem! Le me clear me throat!...)

Mango
by Boring John

Mango "Me?"
Nah, it couldn't be!
I'm just a character, see!
She must mean He
- that Mishka P -
She must mean He!

--

And good look to 'er, is all I'll say!

He still can't help Himself when it comes to antagonising and such, and now He's come over all happy and dippy too. This is NOT how to show a girl a good time! Hee hee.

DAY 2: Me and Mr Crick

2008-11-27T16:51:00.005Z

Me and Mr Crick?

Well, I' d have preferred it if it was Me and Mrs Jones but some black dude got in their first. Tch!

So, where was I? Oh yes, me and Mister Harold Crick (him off that movie Stranger than Fiction) - well, we've both got a 'thing' going on, and neither of us like it!

Harold's thing? Well it turns out Harold Crick - a humble guy, who works the numbers at the IRS - is actually the main character in a novel, he ain't a real person at all. And every now and then he gets to hear his writer's voice in his head - narrating and stuff. How annoying would that be, huh?

But, much worse than that, Harold is being written by a writer whose forte is killing off her main character. Bummer, eh!

So, me and Mr Crick - we know how crappy it is to be written, how positively tedious it is for our destiny to be not our own. Sure, I ain't got a grisly end* lined up just yet, but then I never got to snog the sexy tattooed girl either. I feel Harold's pain, oh yes! And you would too, if you were a bleedin' character stuck inside a blog, or inside the pages of a book that no bugger is ever gonna read!

I ask ya! What did I do to deserve this, eh!

Still, it provides material for a blog post. So I'm not gonna grumble too much. Be rude, no?...

* I left ol' Harold on the bus reading through the last chapter of the book he's in - he was trying to find out how he died. I reckon he's going to read about his demise at the very moment a stupid white boy cycles in front of the bus... and over the bridge she goes!

But I don't know (yet), as I couldn't stand the excitement - I just had to turn off the DVD, as Harold started to read. Hey, I've been there - had my strings pulled, so to speak - so I know how uncomfortable the Crickster must have been feeling at the time! I left him too it. But I'll sneak a peek, maybe tomorrow, to see if he manages to avoid his 'fate'. Go Harold, go!

As for you, you will come back tomorrow won't you? Might even write a few sweet somethings bout ya! (If I can think of any, that is! Lol.)

Around 'The World' in 30 Days

2008-11-26T10:38:00.004Z

"It's been a long time. I shouldn't a left you"...

So here I am. Back in full multi-colour (note the 'u') glory! For your full delight and delectation. For a full 30 days. And then. "And just like that - he was gone." (Maybe.)

So ya best make the most of me. Huh!

So why 30 days?

Well, I figured that I could explain 'my world' - about me, about The World According to Boring John (aka 'The Book'), and about the stuff I like to moan about (see lhs labels) - every day for thirty days.

It will kinda give me something to do, as The Book nears its completion, and might enlighten (and entertain) you in the process.

Though as no bugger reads this blog - not 'right on' enough or not topical enough or maybe too Boring, John (Who said that?) - I'll probably only be 'entertaining' meself. Well, I'm happy to pretend there are readers out there if you are, so let's get on with it, shall we...

DAY ONE

Well, Day One is running a day behind. Tch, typical! Yep, I shoulda written this introductory post yesterday but didn't. And when I say I shoulda written it, I mean HE shoulda written it.

He? Okay, today I'm going to explain to you how this blog works.

I'm Boring John, and (obviously) the main character on this blog and in The Book. But, I'm not the writer - He is. And I can only express myself if He pulls his finger out. And who is He? He is He: Him - it's all explained here (I think!)

Don't worry, I'll rant and rave about how daft life is without referencing Him too often, I promise.

But that's enough for now.

I gotta be able to pad this out, for another 29 days, y'know.

There will be more... (Tomorrow.)

"And that's how two characters should dance together in life"

2008-11-12T11:28:00.005Z

And that's how two characters should dance together in life?

Yes, and it's all explained here in this (almost finished*) version of The World According to Boring John (PDF version) - you'll need a password!**

Enjoy! I know I didn't.

* This book may never get finished - He may not be up to it!
** And the password is... - contact me (or Him) for it!

Muse Sick N Hour Mess Age?

2008-10-29T17:55:00.006Z

Is the Muse sick in our 'mess' age?

Hey, I couldn't possibly comment now could I. (Heheh!)

Well at least it lets me include this kick-ass piece of music from the P E. Oh, it does mean I have to include a piece of love-sak musak afterwards though. But who be it for? Ooh, I dunno. Well, I do, but I ain't tellin!(*) If you can get me a date with Hope S. then maybe we can talk some more. Otherwise... See ya!

Public Enemy video follows...

Sloppy-ass Muzak from Mazzy S. follows...

(*) Hey, I'd love to tell you the second video is for, I really would. But He made me promise NOT to, lest that person visit the website and it spoils His chances, see. And who He? Well, He be Him!

Feeling Unloved...

2008-08-07T16:18:00.007+01:00

Do you see how long it's been since I got to speak on this blog? Bloody April 17th (when He still had a girlfriend ha ha!). But His other blog - How to write a novel - oh, that's being updated all the time lah-de-bloody-dah! (Who wants to learn how to write a novel by a bloody No-mark who's never gonna get a book published in a million years? And this despite my best efforts. No bugger, that's who.)

Anyhoo, I'm only actually here because of His stoopid book.

It seems that he's not come up with a brief synopsis of The World According to Boring John and I'm meant to talk about it right here. Say how crap it is, I guess. Well, you know what, I can't be bothered. I'm just going to list it for you, and your delectation, and provide you with the links to his (more beloved) other blog and then go back to sleep.

You know what, I used to be a contender, and now I'm nothing more than a facsimile thereof.

Why I oughta... Etc.

Synopsis
The World According to Boring John is a book about the two most important characters in a novel – the main character (BORING JOHN), and the writer (DA OTHER GUY) – and their slowly-worsening relationship as they both struggle with the demons of the blank page. Da Other Guy believes that writing something is better than writing nothing – indeed, that’s the premise of the book – whilst Boring John is not so sure: actually, he’d much rather be in a James Bond novel, or to be able to write his own book. Frustrated, Boring John starts to rewrite his ‘life, the universe, and everything’ lines and moan about Da Other Guy instead (as well as writers in general, and readers, and even Jeremy Clarkson…).

Things come to a head when Boring John discovers Da Other Guy pretending to be him.

It is approximately 80,000 words long and was completed in January, 2008. The genre is (loosely) Lad-Lit.

25-Word description
Monologue on 'life, the universe, everything' by a character who'd much rather be in a James Bond novel. So he starts changing his lines...

Strapline
Lad-lit without the bombs and boobs(*)

Links for more
http://write1stnovel.blogspot.com/

* A-bloody-las! :-(

Book Cover Blurb

2008-04-17T17:29:00.004+01:00

Well it seems the book is almost ready to be unleashed onto an unsuspecting publishing world. A publisher has been selected; the book synopsis has been written; and many, many words have been rejected in the process.

Apparently, summarising a book like The World According to Boring John has not been easy! Tch, what a lamo He is! Lol

Anyway, I thought I'd include some of those rejected words here, give you a taste if you like of what the book is all about. And I'm happy with the words, because they're my words - natch!

Here goes...

Book Cover Blurb

Ever wondered what the voice inside your head would sound like, as a character, in a novel, that starred you as the writer? No, neither have I - so that makes at least two of us then...

Dear Prospective Reader, I have been given a few paragraphs to explain, for my undoubted sins, just what The World According to Boring John is all about. Well, this unenviable task will be made a lot easier if I begin by telling you what this book is NOT about, I think. So let me do that.

Okay, Boring John is NOT a Harry Potter, a James Bond or even a Bridget Jones novel, and it has not been written by one of those ex-SAS types high on adrenalin and action-adventure. Mystery, romance, and horror do not do their dance here. As to techno-thrillers - que'st-ce que c'est?

The World According to Boring John is simply a moaning monologue about life, the universe and everything - with extras, but without Jeremy Clarkson.

"This is a novel Jim, but not as we know it!"

Boring John is a book about writing, and how to write; about reading, and how to read; about living, and how to live.Yes, it's got the lot! Except there is very little dialogue; the prose rarely dazzles; and the whole story - what little there is of it! - starts and ends with the very same line.

It's a book about two characters, really; two characters who don't get along too well. It's about getting started; and it's about finishing what you start. (I'd say more, but I don't want to give the whole game away.) It could well be the most 'interesting' book that you will read this year, or the biggest waste of your time - it's hard to say.

So who exactly do I think will want to read it? Well, I'm buggered if I know, actually - someone that is still reading this, I guess.

About Boring John

2008-02-22T10:53:00.003Z

This is the definitive page about me, Boring John

And it follows shortly.

In the meantime, I guess you could read the rest of the about me blurb.

I guess.

"My 10 Favourite Simpsons Episodes"

2008-02-22T10:38:00.010Z

Sigh. He's at it again. I mean who the bloody hell is interested in which of the hundreds of Simpsons episodes is your favourite? Well Him, of course, and these people (can you digg it?), and even Google (have they got nothing better to do with their billions than to list pages and pages of websites all professing to have ten best Simpson episodes? Tch).

Anyway, I'm just moaning. Well, it is Friday, after all...

Boring John

PS Out of His list below I'd have to vote for Homer's Enemy (Season 8, 1997) - I know just how Grimey feels, especially when it comes to thinking about Him.

Over to Him...

"My ten 'best' Simpsons episodes (with reasons why)"

"Thank you kindly Boring John. Well, and assuming you are familiar enough with The Simpsons that you can fill in the gaps, and in no particular order...

"1. The one called Lisa's Substitute

"Sigh. This features The Jewish cowboy cum substitute teacher played by Dustin Hoffman and the famous Lisa rant aimed at Homer: 'You sir, are a baboon! A BABOON!' and the note at the end of things from Mr. Bergstrom (Lisa's Substitute) to a crestfallen Lisa as she waves goodbye to him forever (it simply says: 'You are Lisa Simpson').

"Oh, oh! This episode also featured Bart Simpson's attempt to become class president challenging the soon-to-be utterly phased-by-it-all Martin Prince (except Bart forgets to vote).

"Oh and then there's the moment where Homer - the usually inept parent - gets 3 from 3 by helping Bart get over his problem (losing to Martin), Lisa's problem (Homer comforts Lisa with his love and makes her laugh) and Maggie's problem (her dummy - pacifier (eek!) - falls out). When Marge asks how things are with Lisa he simply replies, "Marge, let's go to bed. I'm on the best run of my life" (Or something like that.)

"2. The one when Millhouse plays Fallout Boy

"This episode is included as it includes some of the best lines/dialogues in The Simpsons ever (in my humble opinion) including: "My eyes! The goggles do nothing!" and this exchange between McBain (who plays RadioActive Man) struggling with his lines:

"'Up and atom' (Director)
'Up and at them' (McBain)
'Up and atom!' (Director)
'Up and at them!' (McBain)
etc.

"Hilarious.

"3. The one where Marge gets Itchy and Scratchy banned

"Aside: thankfully I watched enough early Simpsons episodes so that I was unaffected by the plethora of later (poorer) episodes called The One Where They Start To Be Generic Rubbish And No Better Than A Good Episode of Bloody Friends!)

"This is a fabulous for the sequence in the middle of the episode where all the kids - forced to switch off TV as there are no more Itchy and Scratcy shows - have to go out and, shock horror, play! A minute or so of 'childhood bliss' follows with Beethoven's Pastoral playing in the background. We segue from skateboarding to kite flying to skipping to... It's TV perfection!

"(Oh I couldn't resist...)

"4. The one where 'nothings happens' in Springfield

This features 22 stories that intertwine. It also has great lines aping Pulp Fiction about the little differences between a Krusty Burger and a McDonalds Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

"This is one where the sum of its parts is greater than the whole. :-)

"5. The one where Homer travels in time using a toaster

"This is one of those dreaded Halloween episodes but this one's a good un. Basically, Homer gets to travel back in time using a toaster (of all things - reminds me of Red Dwarf's hilarious talking toaster, actually). And when he travels back in time he starts to alter his environment with disastrous consequences when he returns from his time travels. So then he starts to try not to alter his environment, but is unable to.

"I think it loses something in translation actually. Lol.

"Or maybe it's because I am a bit of a time travel geek! :o (Hence the Red Dwarf devotion.)

"6. . The one where Bart raises two lizards

"This episode has some great slapstick and a classic interchange between Bart and Marge. Basically, Bart ends up raising some birds eggs (the birds turn out to be lizards). He rigs up electricity to shine light onto the eggs to help them rear. Unfortunately (for Homer) he borrows the lights from the cellar so that everytime Homer goes down into the cellar, he falls down the stairs as there are no lights. He keeps doing this. And it keeps on being hilarious (the off camera screeches of Homer tumbling down the stairs - eye-wateringly funny and slapstick heaven)

"And there's the line from Bart about the lizards (he's trying to protect) to his Mum, Marge

"Bart - 'Everyone thinks they're monsters, but I raised them, and I love them! I know that's hard to understand.'
Marge - 'Mmm...... Not as hard as you think.'

"7. The one where Homer (nearly) skateboards across the canyon"

This is great for this sequence alone: Homer slowly slides down the side of the hill, whilst talking (on Bart's skateboard), and heads towards the canyon (Springfield Gorge) - he was trying to stop Bart doing the same and threatened to do it instead until Bart backed down and said he'd give up his daredevil ways. Anyway, he ends up taking the canyon jump on and, for a few heroic moments actually believes he's going to get across and he says (something like)

" - ' I'm going to make it . This is going to be the greatest moment of my life!'

"But then he crashes into the side of gorge and proceeds to grunt and groan like only Homer can as he falls to the bottom. Simple. But brilliant. More slapstick heaven.

"8. . The two where they spoof 'Who Shot JR?'

Classic.

"9. The one where Homer is exposed as a 'slacker' by Grimey

Homer gets a co-worker called Mr Grimes. It's not long before Mr Grimes realises that Homer is a lazy good-for-nothing but what really riles him is the fact that no-one else can see Homer for what he is.

This is a dark episode for sure as Grimey cops it in the end trying out some of Homer's comedy slapstick that never seems to affect Homer (but Mr Grimes gets electrocuted, alas).

Homer's final insult is referring to Mr Grimes (who he admired throughout) as ol' Grimey at Grime's funeral. Hard one to watch, actually as it's a bit near the knuckle (for an animated cartoon lol).

"10. The one where Homer corrupts Ned Flanders and they head off to Vegas

Homer thinks that Ned hasn't lived. (And, strangely, Ned agrees.) And so he persuades Ned to go to Vegas with him where they promptly get married to two strangers whilst drunk.

There's a daft (but funny) almost Benny Hill-esque sequence where Homer and Ned run around the casino away from their pursuers to the tune of Viva Las Vegas.

Anyway, they get booted out of town - reprobates not welcome, apparently. And, as they dust themselves down on the edge of the state border they're spotted by two bald eagles (or something like that). The birds look to themselves knowingly and then fly into the air. The credits roll and you hear Homer say 'Ah, nice birdies' then he shrieks like a girl as the birds proceed to attack him.

More 'off camera' slapstick magic.

END
-----

"Note to Simpsons geeks here: if I have misquoted somewhere above or there's a line out of place or... Well if there's anything that you don't agree with here... Well, erm, you can [insert suitable Simpsons-geeek (eek!) putdown here (as voiced by Comic Book Guy)]!

"Yes, Boring John insisted I add this note here, and used that tone of voice. Well it is his blog, after all!

"This is all off the top of my head (more or less) and I've tried to do as little 'research' as possible. Maybe you don't agree with my top 10? In that case leave me comment why don't ya!!

"Oh and here's a big list of Simpsons' episodes

"PS Yes, this is (probably) the funniest Simpsons' dialogue ever but the episode don't win an award here :-( "

Boring John EXTRAS

2008-01-14T11:44:00.000Z

"Extra, extra, read all about it!"

Can you believe it? Finally, after nearly twelve months of hard graft - by God I worked hard on this project, I can tell you! - I have something to show for it. No, The World According to Boring John is not available as paperback (it's not even being published at a future date, yet), but...

The World According to Boring John "EXTRAS" is available for dowload. Free download too.

Yep, all you have to do is follow the simple download instructions, below. Then you can read the Boring John EXTRAS (a kind of 'DVD Extras' but for a book, that gives you a sample of The Real Thing(#) - how novel - containing 'deleted scenes', a full collection of poems, 'alternative versions' of prose, and even new material), and leave me some feedback. Simple.

So come on, get on with it! Get downloading (right-click mouse, and Save As 'Boring John EXTRAS')

Oh! And I do want some bloody feedback! You bet I do. One year of work and you don't even care to comment? Hey, getouttahere! Send me an email, huh, when you've done! (And you should be able to read nearly all of the "EXTRAS" (in PDF ebook format) quite quickly. I'd skip the Diary of a Nobody chapter, though - well, it was the only bit I didn't write after all! Heheh.)

Note: your feedback might make it into the EXTRAS book. So make it witty, eh!

My email address is boringjohn_at_gmaildotcom(*). Do get in touch, and send me your feedback, positive or negative. I can take it - I'm a big boy, now!

Download Instructions for Boring John "EXTRAS":

Boring John "EXTRAS" - Right-click here!

Instructions:

Simply right-click the image and Save As (suggested filename: 'Boring John EXTRAS').
Oh, and make sure you know where you're saving as, eh! Don't save the PDF in any ol' folder, and definitely not in any folder with dodgy images (if you know what I mean) - I've got standards to maintain, y'know. I suggest saving to the desktop. Nice and easy for you to not forget to open and read me, eh!

Go on then, get to it!

Don't forget: download, read, send feedback. (In that order, preferably. Go on!)

* That's an anti-spam email address in case you didn't realise it. I don't want some rich American (or Russian) jerk (or jerkov) trying to sell me Hoodia products (huh!) or Viagra tablets (pah, as if I'd need such artificial stimulations - lol) by spamming me to death, morning, noon and night. Oh yes, I know all the tricks of the trade when it comes to not getting spam. How so? I read this bloody article several times, that's how.

# This blog is called The World According to Boring John. But there's a novel of the same name in the making too --ooh! - all about me and my world (some of the blog posts appear too). That's what I'm talking about when I say The Real Thing. Ya follow?

Solving Your Problems - Why Random Answers Don't Work

2007-12-18T09:30:00.001Z

We all have problems in life, some more difficult to solve than others. (Tell me about it!) But it NEVER helps when people, 'friends', claim that a solution is close at hand, though; that solving your problem is as easy as picking some random words of wisdom.

Yes, I'm about to debunk the myth of solving problems by choosing random answers, and I'm about to do it using examples of real people's problems and revealing the daft answers they received.

Bring it on!

"Simply hold a problem in your mind, and type it into the problem box below. Then click on the Red Pill and there will be your answer (chosen at random)"

That's what it says at website EgoFatigo.com . And d'you know what I say in return, "Yeah, right. What a load of new age tosh!"

It's obvious that each problem must be viewed on its own, and analysed so as to determine the best way to solve it. That means there's no way an answer plucked at random from the electrons buzzing around the interweb can help you. In my not so humble opinion, anyway.

There are no broad brush answers to life's problems. Absolutely not.

Sometime's it is not my fault; sometimes the solution to all our problems does not lie within; sometimes the person with the problem is the other guy (and the next time he shows his face, I'll smack 'im, I really will!).

Don't believe me? Well, you're probably the sort of person that doesn't believe hard evidence when they see it, but I'll show you it to you anyway. Y'see, I went to one of these so-called problem-solving websites, EgoFatigo.com, and I took a look at the problems being solved (and the random answers it gave). And I've reprinted some of those examples below - with permission of course.

Note: these examples are real (including the bad grammar) and they were (more or less) chosen at random, too.

So let's take a look at the results, shall we.

1. "My problem is that I can't think of a problem!"

Random answer:

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks ofchanging himself." - Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

2. "There are 3 woman. A blonde. a brunette. and a red head. Which do i choose and why is that a good decision? P.S.which one will get me some."

"To see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it." - Ken Keyes, Jr

3. "This website is to complicated with the weird answers that don't make any sense?"

Random answer:

"The person without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder." - Thomas Carlyle

4. "Now I have decided to grow up, get a mortgage and have a baby, I don't have anyone to have a baby or settle down with. Do I pick a nice boy with no personality that pays the bills before it's too late? Or do I hold out for a super dude that may not exist eh?"

Random answer:

"One person caring about another represents life's greatest value." - Jim Rohn

5. "Right - so now you're telling me to hold out for someone and persist instead of settling for less right? Isn't that directly opposite to you just telling me caring about someone and having someone to care about me being what mattered in life? When do I get my million pounds and where's my t shirt?"

Random answer:

"Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go." - William Feather

6. "People sometimes forget that I am human so why shouldn't I feel sorry for myself if no one else will."

Random answer:

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily -- by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." - Aristotle

7. "There isn't a 'solve another problem' option so I have to go back twice - what can I do?"

Random answer:

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily -- by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." - Aristotle

8. "When I did the second one about there not being a 'solve another problem' button - it gave me the same answer - is this because I went back twice?"

Random answer:

"He who knows others is learned. He who knows himself is wise." - Lao-Tzu

9. "I need to move a sofa and I cant get a man with a van and all the places are shut!"

Random answer:

"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." - Jonathan Kozol

10. "I'm clinically obese, what should I do?"

Random answer:

"Expect your every need to be met, expect the answer to every problem, expect abundance on every level, expect to grow spiritually." - Eileen Caddy

11. "Why cant I hold a job for longer then three months?"

Random answer:

"Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress." - Ghandi

--

Ahem, ahem, ahem! Need I comment further? Really?

Here we saw duplicate answers; the clinically obese encouraged to eat what they want; answers to problems that aren't even problems, etc. This kind of problem-solving sometimes antagonises more than soothes, it really does. Just read this, for example, from one such frustrated person with a 'problem':

12. "My problem is [EgoFatigo.com], it sucks and i think it will probably make me go braindead from boredom and the whole stupidity of it"

Random answer:

"You should always be aware that your head creates your world." - Ken Keyes

--

Clearly, the above is mumbo-jumbo nonsense.

Even the answers aren't random, but generalisations (wisdom) that could at a pinch apply to most situations.

Wow, that's clever. Not!

Homer Simpson had it about right when he said, "Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems"

Amen.

If you think this is a load of cynical believe-nothing nonsense then why don't you read part 1 of this article called, Solving Your Problems - Why Random Answers Work? (You'll find it in The World According to Boring John EXTRAS ebook - coming soon to a blog near you!)

Otherwise there really is nothing to see here and you and I should both move on. Problems? What problems!...

Here's a rhetorical question, for ya...

2007-12-10T17:52:00.000Z

What happens if there are no rhetorical questions?

Aye. I know what you're thinking. Oh-my-God-Not-Another-Christmas-Cracker-Thought-For-The-Minute kinda thing. Okay, skip it, I hear ya! Here's a better rhetorical question:

Is having a relationship - y'know an 'intimate relationship of the sexual kind' type of relationship - worth having to deal with the game-players, the fearful and the commitment-phobes, the plain mixed-up types and all the other ensemble of losers who get in the way of a simple, yet fulfilling, good time?

Well, I ain't being rhetorical here, because the answer is NO!

So will all the losers who find their way to this particular hidey hole, please leave immediately - taking your bad vibe with you - so that the rest of us can just plain enjoy our lives.

Thank you. Kindly.

Yorkshire Airlines

2007-11-29T22:30:00.002Z

By 'eck, I couldn'ta put it better meself.

Watch and learn you bloody non-Yorkshire peasants...

And, remember, "If it's not in Yorkshire, it's not worth bloody visiting!"

ENOUGH!...

2007-11-27T14:16:00.000Z

of all that bollox, Joe Strummer's got something to say.

Take it away, Joe...

"People can do anything."

Thanks, Joe. I think the people needed to hear that. And no, I'm not hearing voices from the grave (again) - it's just something Joe said in an excellent DVD documentary called The Future is Unwritten.

It certainly is, Joe. It certainly is.

"How do you like them apples?"

2007-11-14T08:33:00.000Z

Apologies, dear reader, for the lack of blog entries. But, hey, I can't be in two places at once now can I, and me and Him are still working hard on the book. (The book? Yeah, the one imaginatively titled The World According to Boring John.)

Anyways, as part of my research for today - my material really was poor, and I needed to pad it out a little - I came across some quotes from that top film, Good Will Hunting. So, I thought I'd share.

And if you want me to explain what's being said here, especially in bold, well you can, er, suck my mother-hubbard stick! (Sorry, the testosternone levels are high - book pressures, etc. It's gotta be finished by the end of the year, and we're only half way through the latest rewrite. I meant to say that I just don't have the time to explain - work it out for yourself. ;-) )

Okay, peeps, here come the quotes...

Skylar: What is your obsession with this money? My father died when I was 13 and I inherited this money. You don't think that every day I wake up and wish I could give it back? That I would give it back in a second if I could have one more day with him? But I can't, and that's my life and I deal with it. So don't put your shit on me when you're the one that's afraid.

Will: I'm afraid? What am I afraid of? What the fuck am I afraid of?

Skylar: You're afraid of me! You're afraid that I won't love you back! Fuck it, I wanna give it a shot! At least I'm honest with you.

(By the way, that Will was a lucky bugger indeed. I've always fancied Minnie Driver, despite the dodgy name! As for Skylar, I think she might be onto something there! Whaddya think?)
.
.
.

"Someone's trying to steal your charismatic identity John..."

2007-11-02T11:36:00.000Z

Hmm!

"Someone's trying to steal your charismatic identity John..." Are they, indeed, Sir Alan? Well, to slightly mis-quote that bloke that used to be on Radio 2, Derek Jameson, do they mean me?

I guess they do.

Hmm, who'd have thunk it? Who'd have thunk that lil ol' Boring me would ever be accused of being a faker and imposter? Who'd think that I was anything but an original?

I guess Sir Alan would.

Anyways, just so's we're clear. No! No-one's trying to steal anyone's identity here.

I was here first, and even if I wasn't I've never even heard of this other other Boring John - until now, that is (intravenously, as ever).

Hmm, guess I'm just goin' to have to reconcile myself to there being more than one Boring John in this world. Hmm, indeed!

"I fail to assert my needs"

2007-10-16T13:36:00.000+01:00

Who said that then?

Well it obviously wasn't me - not the sort of thing I'm ever heard saying, that's for bloody sure! So I guess it must have been Him. Not only did He say it, he's in a bloody touchy-feely magazine saying it WITH HIS PHOTO! Soft Git!

The thing is, He's proud of his answer-piece about how how men and women communicate (or something) - he's not embarassed at all. No wonder his siblings think he's, er, 'different'.

So, the magazine?

Psychologies magazine of course, dear blog reader - what other magazine could it possibly be?

(When am I going to get the interview callup for Nuts magazine, or Zoo, that's what I want to know? Then I'll tell Nuts about my failing to assert my needs - failing at least 3 times a night, I should coco! Heheh! )

I can't talk right now...

2007-10-08T14:20:00.000+01:00

I can't talk right now, as you may have noticed - sorry. The thing is, I'm in between revisions and it's all getting quite exciting, it really is. Revisions? Yep, the book that I'm in is being revised almost as I speak, and I'm having to concentrate my efforts over there, for now.

Draft #4 won't take long, though - just need to make sure 'the gig' is working, really.

Anyways, as I'm in my 'be nice to Him' mode right now - it's near the end of the book, see, and I'm meant to have softened towards The Daft Git a bit - I may as well wish his new special someone a happy birthday, ain't I? Hey, it costs me little, saying "Happy Birthday Debbi" after all. And I am already here, spouting.

No doubt He will tell her about my little post. Let's just hope her joy leads to his joy (if you know what I mean!) which, in turn, leads to some joy for lil ol' me. Well, I can hope anyway.

And for anyone else who is having a birthday on October 8th, 2007, Clare Grogan has something to say to y'all. Take it away Clare...

And, here's the Altered Images video to boot...

Isn't it about time...

2007-09-13T16:44:00.000+01:00

I said something here!

Yep, I guess it is.

O-kay...

"SOMETHING!"

Now come back when I can be bothered to say something important. Right now, I can't. I'm reposing. Ya got a problem with that? Well, let's take it outside, shall we? I'll wait for ya. No better still, you wait for me. I'll be there in a jiffy...

(Etc.)

If What?

2007-08-23T12:37:00.000+01:00

Rudyard Kipling once wrote a poem called If

Go on, read it! It won't take long...

Done? Okay, now it's a nice poem and all - Mr Kipling does write exceedingly good words (sorry, couldn't resist!) - but still, bugger me! ya gotta be kidding, ain't ya Rudders? So that's all you've got to do to be a man? Well, sign me up for being a woman right now, then - cos no way can it be as hard as being a man (if Rudyard Kipling's right, that is!). Yeah, I'll put up with the periods and doin' doggie if that's what it takes to be a woman, anything but having to endure that litany of impossible qualities to simply being a man.

Or is Rudyard talking about "A Man", that close cousin of another mythical creature called Real Man?

Let me ask you something: Do we have terms like real woman? No, we don't. So why is there such a notion of a real man? There are good and bad men, but there are not real men, just like there's no such thing as "being black" - "You're not very black are you!" states the brain-dead bimbo! It's a load of bollocks summed up, beautifully and eloquently, by Rudyard Kipling's poem.

If indeed!

Self-fulfilling Prophecies

2007-08-16T21:23:00.000+01:00

Question: do you believe in self-fulfilling prophecies?

Do you worry about something so much, the washing machine breaking down for example, or your boyfriend doing a runner with the neighbour, that it actually comes to pass?

Seriously. Do you? Has something you've worried about for a while now actually happened? Has it?

Well, if so, I've got another question for you: whyja do that then?

That's some pretty f*cked-up thinking habits ya got there, make no mistake. I'd go see someone about it, if I were you. And I'd definitely go get your washing machine checked over too.

Go on. Do it now. And keep the rest of us from yer doom and gloom scenarios. (Your sort is not wanted around these parts no more...)

"Are we turned off by sex?"

2007-08-16T20:45:00.000+01:00

In the beginning, He used to write replies to magazine articles that particularly irritated Him. Well, as I fully reclaim ownership of this blog I'd like to do the same. And, as I'm a fictional character, my gloves can come off!

So, okay, the article appears in Psychologies magazine. It's an article about sex, but only women get to answer. Huh? Well, maybe there's your first problem pinned down straight away - no communication with the men folk!

Yes, several noteworthy and reasonably scrubbed-up-well women-types get to voice their viewpoints, a few of which I shall share. I shall do like Channel 4 though, and quote out of context so I can more fully take the p*ss!

Vitallia F tells us "Eventually sex will stop being sexy". And I say, er, no!

Sarah H, one of the few authors to be interviewed, comes up with the genius bit of insight, "How often you have sex doesn't matter, it's about how you do it". Well, thank you for that now get on yer back! (Ha ha, just joking. Promise. I'm not such a hoodlum, really. I wish.)

Infamous blogger Abby L (still hiding behind a nom de plume - what a wuss! Hee hee!), famous for a voracious sexual appetite (why that should be news, I don't know - if it's good enough for men, then it really should be good enough for women, too), comes up with this gem: "I believe better sex comes from a woman creating an honest dialogue with a partner and getting to know herself". Hmm, how do you go about doing that, exactly, doing your voracious thing? I might as well ask one of those Player types the secret to a good sex-life, hadn't I? Bing-bang-bong would be their reply, no doubt - several times a night. Hmm.

Helen T has something sensible to say. (Yippee!) It goes against the grain, but I reluctantly have to agree with her, "With my current boyfriend I waited a month before we had sex, and it was definitely better for it." Helen doesn't say what was better, but anyway.

And Kim M-D is having a career break. What the f*ck! What is having a career break? Is it being a Doley? Is it scrounging a living off your other half? Or is it raising a young family like they used to do back in the (bad old) day? Maybe women's lives have progressed so much that they genuinely do take career breaks. Or maybe it's middle class bollox for looking after the kids. I'm not sure.

--

And Boring John? Well, he isn't turned off by sex. Far from it. Very much far from it. (Alas.)

The Salmon Dance?

2007-08-14T14:38:00.000+01:00

Is this De La Soul or maybe it's even a quirkier-than-usual Lemon Jelly.

Nah, tis The Chemicals (press play!)...

Fancy.

Actually, I don't fancy yours much at all! ("Who's hungry?")

Three Steps to Heaven

2007-08-14T14:10:00.000+01:00

Get your favourite pair of sunglasses. Buff them up nice and make sure you can see your face reflected back.
Sit yourself down, or stand up - heaven is flexible like that - and turn up the volume control a little on your computer.
Press play |> below; and listen, feel, and nod your head if necessary (and just toss glasses in the bin)

There's Nowt So Strange as... Email

2007-08-14T13:54:00.000+01:00

I read this funny email today - not sure who wrote it (he lied). Anyway, here it is:

"I think people deal with [difficult] situations differently. If H. really didn't feel anything for you then I don't think he'd have to hide himself away in another relationship as soon as possible. You are facing your feelings and he isn't. That's all. So don't think that he didn't care about you, because, perversely, his current behaviour means that he did. That's how I think you should look at it, anyway :-)"

So, black is white then and if I beat you up it means that I love you, really.

Wow! There's nowt so strange as email is there, nowt so strange indeed?

Marmite Anyone?

2007-08-10T07:58:00.000+01:00

Who would write an internet dating profile like this (and expect to "get some" after having done so)?

Profile begins...

Why should people get to know you?

Why should you bother reading any further than this line? Well, frankly, I'm bloomin marvellous to put not too fine a point on it. And you'd be mad not to engage with me a little, just to find out more. In fact, I seriously doubt that there are more than a handful of men as lovely, interesting, sexy and plain stonkingly fit as me, on here!

Of course it is all in the eye of the beholder and I may not float your boat, but aren't you just a little bit curious?

Nobody likes a big head, I know, and I am of course affecting this somewhat to garner your attention a little. But I do think I am pretty damned fine, notwithstanding a few flaws here and there. (I like to think of my flaws as material to work with! It would be boring, after all, if there were no challenges for you. Don't you agree? ;-) )

The trouble with being so marvellous, though is that I'm in demand. This is especially so in this online world where others post pics of themselves when they were skinny and twenty-something, not thinking that the balding forty-year old fatty squashed in the corner isn't going to put you off a tad! (Blokes, huh?) So that means I don't need this profile to get lots of interest - I'm looking for the *right kind* of interest and, free tip here, you should be too.

Hey, there will be always be guys on here with bigger cars than me and bigger wallets, bigger brains even, and bigger other stuff for all I care. If big is what matters to you most then I suggest you stop reading now. (Shh, I can here their car keys jangling now!) It's the 'sum of all the parts' thing that really matters, though, if you ask me.

It's also possible that you might find cuter guys on here, too, affecting a 'do you mean me' look of modesty in their photo (just check the Soulmates popular profiles to see what I mean). I'm cool with that. Good luck to 'em. I am not here to be "Popular", I am here to meet a discerning one or two. My photo's hidden but I am more than happy with my physical appearance ta very much.

Describe your ideal match

You don't need to have an eejit attitude like mine, for one thing, but I won't hold it against you if you do, either. Believe me, by bark is worse than my bite - I am actually a lovely man, but how do you say that without sounding like a git? So that means that this bit of my previous profile is still true "It would be great too if you shared my marvel at the world we live in. The world is marvellous, even with all this rain!"

Actually, I believe the world would be a whole lot better place if we all thought more highly of ourselves, in a good way of course. And there's not enough passion on the planet, either. So take a look at some of my passions and imagine yourself joining in...

Walking. Not just to "pretty places", either; I just love walking anywhere
Going to the movies. Big fan of intelligent and clever, and hate brain-dead (why would I want to kill my brain prematurely?)
Kissing, touching and all that ooh-la-la. (I'm good, what can I say!)
Dancing to groovy beats, or any music with attitude
Writing. Yeah I like writing, and I might even write you a poem, to "get you in the mood"!

There is more, obviously but I have to maintain a little bit of mystery, don't I?

As for you, please be interested in something other than shopping. We're only here for a short time, and buying lots of stuff you don't need every weekend don't sound too imaginative to me. Share my passions or have your own. Be bright, be fun and above all be yourself!

A few last thoughts for you to linger over, then. I don't "do it" for everybody, but just think if I "did it" for you, even if only as a friend. A man with emotional intelligence, with spunk and a modest dollop of charisma, who you might also want to be rude with too - I ask ya, how many of those do you get to the pound, these days?

Anyway, I think I've blown my own trumpet long enough. Over to you: whaddya say? Are you up for something 'different'?

(Hey, at least it beats "liking night's out and night's in".)

Profile ends.

So who would write such a profile?

Answer: He would.

Is it any wonder He's such a frustrated guy? Tch.

"If I only had time"

2007-07-24T17:44:00.000+01:00

If I only had time...

I'd press play and I'd listen and watch, and I'd get my groove on - "yeah, baby!"

If this is the soundtrack to the World According to Boring John then I likes! I just need to find meself one of these and we "busy". Bzz!

Agent Bhangra vs The Buddha (Part 1)

2007-07-11T15:02:00.000+01:00

If you should go to the woods tonight... Or rather, if you should go to Agent Bhangra's place on MySpace tonight - y'know for a rayt good physical workout (of bhangra aerobics)! If you should do that, you will find this lovely, quaint saying there:

"Ambition is like love, impatient both of delays and rivals."

Ooh, we wonder what harm that wicked love doth do to one so fair and sweet as Agent B. (We wonder why I doth come over all poetic too.)

But, Lady B, did the Buddha really say that? Are you sure that it wasn't some other geyser called Sir John Denham. He seems much more your type of guy, no? A sir and all.

Okay, okay so it was Siddharta Buddha - Sir JD must have said it later. (Bloddy Johnny Come-Latelys - who needs em!) So, do you and ol' Siddy B. have a thing going on then, eh, Agent Bhangra? Did he seduce you with his fine words, did he? Tch, you so easy, girl!

"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace."

Oooh, he is a smooth one indeed. I bet his actions speak louder than words, too, if you know what I'm getting at. Heh heh!

You wish!

Actually, you should be careful what you wish for, Agent Bhangra, covered as you are with your permagrin and lycra, cos the Buddha, he say this too:

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world."

With my thoughts I make my world, that's for sure: the world according to Boring John. And in my world I know that you fancy him rotten, I know it. Don't deny it, hon., just don't! We all know that you're pretending to be disinterested, but you're loved up for 'im good and proper, I know. Oh baby!

Remember, "Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. "

Oh, oh, here comes the bhangra beat!

Oh, oh, here comes the snarl!

Oh, oh, here comes the hand, ready to be clenched!

All right, on second thoughts, you can deny it all you want. I've 'eard about that tongue of yours, and that snarl, and maybe the Buddha has too - eep!

"The tongue like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood."

You can't argue with that.

Yep, that Buddha gets around a bit, knows a thing or two. He does a lot of thinking; a lot of thinking about ideas...

"An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea."

I likes that one in particular, I do.

And this:

"There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting."

Oh yes.

(Do you think that's what Elvis meant to say in his latest no.1 hit ?)

And this one is schweet, too:

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

(What are you doin' this moment, hunny bun, right this moment? Ya smilin'? Ah, schweet!)

But then he says:

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."

So what are we all to think, huh, what are we all to feel?

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

Oh no, no! Not the hot coals routine, again. You and yer bloody coals, Mr Sid Carter; always with the hot coals. Ya had to go and spoil things with yer 'grasping a hot coal' spiel. (Tch! That bloody know-it-all Buddah - enough already!)

As for you, AB, you so spoilt you really are. You get a whole page of words from me and the buddha. What more could a girl ask for, eh? What more, indeed...

Perhaps you would like to comment.

In yer own good time, of course, in yer own good time.

BJ

PS Agent Bhangra, AgentBhangra, agent bha-ba-ha-hah!-angra :-)
Agent Bhangra!

Blue Moon

2007-06-28T09:17:00.000+01:00

What happens once in a so-called blue moon?

Good fortune, perhaps? Well, it all depends which way you're inclined, I guess. Gary Player was once attributed to have said, "The harder I work, the luckier I get". So you may well be favoured by good fortune more often than once in a blue moon, or it may never happen, it all depends on the type of person you are. (Oh yes it does!) So, I say no.

Meeting someone special? Well, the very word special implies that it's something that might not happen very often, that might indeed happen once in a blue moon. So I say probably.

A blue moon? Well, full marks to the clever clogs at the back. Yes, a blue moon does happen once in a blue moon. Well done. Take a bow. And so on. Mr Delmonte (and I) say yes.

PS Anyone into blue moons please feel free to leave a comment, below. I'd love to know how you yourself are affected by such strange goings on up above.

"I'm Back!..."

2007-06-28T08:28:00.000+01:00

"At last! After over six hundred and sixty days"

"Bigger, badder, better!

"I'm back!

"C'mon!"

Erm, that was a message from my, er, sponsor!

I too, will be back soon... bigger, badder and better. Er, c'mon!

(Watch this space in 2008. The World According to Boring John as paper book!)

Does it mean anything when... ?

2007-06-20T21:20:00.000+01:00

Does it mean anything when you dream of someone that you haven't seen for a very long time? A woman you used to go out with, to be precise. In the dream they're sitting in a sports car, in the passenger seat, with a man by their side. Their car is parked next to your car, actually, but you still manage to drive away your red banger without her seeing you.

So does it mean anything, then, after having such a dream that you see this person's real car the next day - a white mini of the new variety - or at least what you think to be this person's car, driving along the road?

Does it mean anything, then, when moments after this sighting you see someone who looks very much like a younger version of this woman that you dreamed about walk past you in a sandwich shop? "Do you have a sister?" goes the question, "No" comes the reply. But you were not the one who asked the question, it was one of the shop assistants.

So does this mean anything?

Yeah, I didn't think so either but I've got to write summat here as it's been ages ain't it?

PS The cream Mini Cooper had number plates beginning with YE05 and was spotted driving in Holmfirth, today, at lunchtime. Or was I daydreaming... ?

Married Man Syndrome

2007-06-08T13:48:00.000+01:00

Married Man Syndrome?

Is this an impressive, intelligent article about our much-maligned Married Man?

Does it contain easy-to-say, but hard-to-do wisdom for women and men alike?

Is it food for thought?

Answers on a postcard, please!

PS Yes, I have been busy! Aint you?

Rules of internet dating

2007-05-15T12:00:00.000+01:00

Rules of Internet Dating

These are rules to be taken seriously (or otherwise) that will help your chances of success in the ultimate adult sweety shop.

The rules below are based on extensive, some might say painstaking, research done over the last few years. Of course science is also involved and prejudice and maybe even a small sense of humour got involved too (very small, obviously). But if you know better then please do contribute - all good contributions will be added, anonymously or otherwise.

Here are four rules (or questions to answer) to start the ball rolling.

1) How many emails before you go on a date, or at least speak to each other?

I suggest 3, and always recommend that you talk to the person on the phone before you meet up with them in the flesh. Voices matter, people, as a squeaky voice when you were expecting sexy can offend almost as much as bald instead of hirsute (or vice versa! :-O )

2) How many dates will you go on before you should have kissed, fumbled or held hands?

I suggest 3 as first date fumbles never usually become anything more and if you aint snogged after five dates do you think it's ever really gonna happen. Well, punk, do ya?

3) Do you date/snog or fumble with more than one person at once?

There are some internet daters who think you should not email or date more than one person at a time. Whilst there are others that think, unless you're going out exclusively with one person (don't you just love American expressions like that?) that anything goes with more than one person.

I suggest dating and snogging more than one person at a time is okay, but nothing more. Soon as you've done the ol' 'in out, in out' then you need to commit baby, or get rid! But you can't dibble dabble like that with more than one. Tis bad karma for one thing, and all your mates will be very jealous for another!

4) Are you looking to make friends?

Some people only want to date and do not want more friends in their life. (They're so popular see, already.) Other people only seem to want to make friends. (They like grazing, or maybe they don't have enough friends.)

Know what you want, and stick to it.

--

General rules:

A) Men, I politely suggest that you do not post photos of your better-looking friend or that photo of you that makes you look ten times fitter than you really are or the photo of you with hair now you are a bald eagle! Women kinda get a bit pissed by this, and your date will not last long.

B) Women I think professionally taken photos of you looking like a B-movie starlet or photos of you reclining on a bed with your bra showing or even photos of you hugging some hunk might, just might, give out the wrong signals.

C) Stick to a set period that you'll do internet dating then pack it in afterwards. 3 months is good. 5 years is very pessimistic indeed and 3 days is bloomin' hopeful indeed!

D) Similarly, I recommend that you only go online dating for about one hour a day. If you don't set a limit like this then you might find that several hours have just passed by. Online dating is worse that channel-flicking on the TV in my humble opinion.

Owners of People Carriers around the world!

2007-05-15T09:07:00.000+01:00

Owners of People Carriers around the world, you have been conned!

You think you bought a people carrier. The truth is: you bought a van.

Okay, it's a family van, but it's a van nevertheless!

You have to admire those women and men in marketing, you really do. Selling ice to Eskimos is kid's play compared to the marketing tricks they continue to get away with nowadays.

(Nah don't tell me, you really do like the taste of puki cola!
Getoutta here, you're killin' me!)

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

2007-05-10T09:24:00.000+01:00

Shrieked the little boy character.

But who did he say it to?

And was he really listening to E-Z Rollers kick ass track RS2000 when he shrieked it?

Who really knows! And yes!

42

2007-05-02T12:14:00.000+01:00

42 is the answer to the question, what is the meaning of life, the universe and everything? At least according to author, Douglas Adams.

42 is also the age of The Writer of this blog. It's His birthday, today. So, a one, two, three, four...

"Happy Birthday to Him! Happy Birthday to Him! Happy Birthday to Da Other Guy! Happy Birthday to Him!"

Mummy, mummy, mummy!

2007-04-18T10:20:00.000+01:00

My Mummy says that I am a good boy because I do what she tells me to do. I did get smacked once, hard on the leg - it left a red mark, too. My step-Dad hit me because I kicked my sister once when I couldn't stand her teasing any more.

Secrets and lies

2007-04-16T18:00:00.000+01:00

Whilst He was working, or so He tells me, He discovered this little tidbit of wisdom

"if something is knowable, then assume it is known."

When you consider that it's actually referring to Google, and not keeping secrets like I thought it was, then you might feel a little shudder down your spine. Well I would. Particularly if you realise how many products Google has (e.g. toolbar, email, web stats etc.) that collect data. But Google is not the only data hog. Stores like Tesco love to collect the ol' info with their rewards schemes. Even that card scheme those "lucky, lucky, lucky" people living in London use - Urchin Card? - contains an awful lot of information about one's movements, don't you know.

Anyway, as I said, He was working and He shared the tidbit with me.

It's how I've always operated when it comes to keeping secrets, actually. Tell no-one. Simple as.

Nice Dreams - A Poem by Him

2007-04-16T11:58:00.000+01:00

He, The Person That Writes This Blog, has asked me if I would let Him publish His poem, His little ditty, in my blog.

And I said yes. (Clearly.)

Don't worry, it's only a short poem. It's about a person He dreamed of, I guess, but I think it's a poem we can all identify with. (Yes He did pay me to say that!)

Nice Dreams
-------------

I dreamt of You last night
You let me squeeze Your bum!
You smiled and held me close
I'm off to tell me Mum!

Who Said This?

2007-04-16T10:01:00.000+01:00

"I cannot be happy whilst you, someone I care about, are not. I am not responsible for your happiness but it does not seem fair for me to find peace when your life is still shadowed in pain?"

Whoever said it, and I have a strong idea which Idiot it was, they are destined to live a life of struggle, for sure.

"It wasn't your fault," said the adult to the little boy in the photo. "It wasn't your fault."

Wipe the tear from your eye, Mr Idiot. It was not Your fault.

What Makes Him Happy?

2007-04-10T09:59:00.000+01:00

"Bouncing on the Blue Ball and listening to the music with big basslines!"

So what makes you happy, then? What makes you feel like it's all really been worth it?

Answers on a postcard please and send it to Blue Peter....

Protect My Identity?

2007-04-05T17:50:00.000+01:00

The boys (and girls) at Protect My Identity need a lesson in the basics of internet marketing.

How do I know this?

Well people desperately in need of their services and too stoopid to know that www.protectmyidentity.co.uk is the address they need to use (copy and paste it into the browswer address bar boys (and girls) - that really is all there is to it!) are coming to the blog of the one and only, me, Boring John when they do a search.

(I know lots and lots about the people that visit my website, by the way. I have stats. V-ery interesting. Hee hee!)

Now I do welcome visitors of all colours and persuasions. Even peeps from Peckham can sing a long a Boring John, should they wish to. But I don't think those that are worrying about identity theft really want to trawl through pages and pages of lil ol' me droaning on and on and on about this and that and t'other. (Do they?)

So let me make it easy for them.

Hey you! Yes YOU! If you're looking for protectmyidentity.co.uk then you'll find it at the BIG link below. Okay?

www.ProtectMyIdentity.co.uk

(Now slurp off!)

As for the boys (and girls) that promote ProtectMyIdentity online using search engine optimisation techniques etc. I think you need to go back to basics, big time. You can not be found when searching for your URL directly. How bad is that? Nearly, but not quite, as bad as this.

Normal service will be resumed when Boring Johh does, indeed, turn normal. Otherwise "I'll be back" sooooon. If not sooner. (I'm having too much fun in the book world, right now, if the truth be told. Up to 4,500 words. Only another 100,000 to go. Hee hee.)

In the words of (Some) Others...

2007-04-02T14:37:00.000+01:00

"What a waste!" - Ian Dury, Diamond Geyser And A Half
"I'll be back" - Arnold Schwarzenneger, Muscled Man In Dark Glasses
"He does not live here, darlin! In fact He is a real person who likes to Meet People in the real world and NOT in the virtual world. No more MySpace or yours?..." - Boring John, The One, The Only

Why say in 3 words, Ian and Arnold, what you can say in 33? You are both rank amateurs, tch!

As for Him, He's a sentimental old fool - smiling and thinking and strolling as He was - but I love Him, anyway. (Shh, don't tell 'Im.) We had fun.

--

Notes:
1) this post has not been labelled. "Please mind the gap!"
2) (Some of) You are so spoiled. "Please mind the gap!"

Lock Up Your Daughters!

2007-03-28T08:56:00.000+01:00

Actually, Boring John is not like that!

Lock up yer Mums!

He's not like that, either, but he is coming to town, to play.

Maybe he'll just swagger around the joint, spray-paint in hand.

Maybe he'll turn into Kilroy for a day.

Maybe he'll just go for a jog around the park. (Who can say.)

The Last Line

2007-03-27T11:04:00.000+01:00

Phew!

I've written it, at last, the last line in a novel that I wrote. Actually, it's a book, not a novel, and the last line is also the first line, and I didn't write the book, I'm just a character in it. But who's quibbling, here!

Want to know what it is? The last line, and all? Well I wasn't going to tell, but as I know you're curious and as I know that no bugger else reads this blog (yet) I'll tell. But you must promise not to share it with a soul! None of that "I know that Harry Potter dies in Book 7" nonsense. Last lines are important, see.

Okay, here goes.

But please don't laugh (or "I will die").

Why not?

Well it's not only a last line to a book, but it's also (one of) the last lines in the lives of people like you and me. And if you laugh at the line, you laugh at The Truth of Life.

And you should never laugh at Truth. (Unless it's a joke at Truth's expense, but then you know what I think about jokes, don't you!)

Yes, Truth (aka wisdom) always comes back to bite you in yer bum when you're not looking. (Ouch!)

Never laugh at truth or wisdom, and you'll live a happier life.

It's true.

Okay, then. Drum roll, maestro please. ("I thank you.")

The last line is...

"And that's how two characters should dance together in life."

(Hidden above. In white font. Hee hee!)

Free Dating?

2007-03-26T10:13:00.000+01:00

( "Please leave a message after the tone." *)

"Please leave your (profile) name, number and the time you called and I promise I'll get back to you soon.

"Promise!

("Hey, if you can can make this effort to get in touch with me, then I promise to contact you back in return.")

:-)

Come on! Most of the blokes on Freedating.co.uk are jerks, no? This is much more interesting and intriguing. And you get to learn all about me, too. (If you're one of the blokes on Freedating.co.uk then, obviously, I don't mean you! ;-) )

* Offer ends today, 26th March, two thousand and seven.

Will The Real Me Please Stand Up!

2007-03-23T17:27:00.000Z

This is the real me (see below) not this

Again, that's him not me.

Okay, it aint that interesting a read and if you have something better to do I advise you do it. Otherwise, hang on to your hats...

Name: Boring John
Birthday: Huh!
Birthplace: Huh!
Current Location: I said Huh!
Eye Color: No
Hair Color: No
Height: And bloody No
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right (what are we talking about, again?)
Your Heritage: What has the origins of my brown skin got to do with you. Can't I be English and non-white? Can't I. And if I'm not a fan of the royal family (I'm not), does my skin colour have anything to do with my opinion (it does not)? Etc. I'm from 'ere is alls you need to know. Next

Your Weakness: Suffering fools
Your Fears: Someone reading this blog and getting in touch with a sensible comment. Hah!
Your Perfect Pizza: Home made or, failing that, one of those Pizza Express ones.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: I want to write a novel, but first I have to escape the confines of this blog. Can you help me escape?
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: ;-)
Your Best Physical Feature: I don't have long legs, everything else is great!

Your Bedtime: Please! Bog off. Please.
Your Most Missed Memory: Sex. I can't ever remember ever having sex, but somehow I have a clear impression that I want to. Wonder why.
Pepsi or Coke: Yuck or muck!
MacDonalds or Burger King: Muck or Yuck!
Single or Group Dates: Group dates sound fun
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Say No! to Nestles
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla (ice)
Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee

Do you Smoke: "No"
Do you Swear: Freakin stoopid question that is, course I don't.
Do you Sing: Shower time.
Do you Shower Daily: Oh yes. Sooner or later I'm going to meet a lady friend, and I have to be ready.
Have you Been in Love: See my most missed memory, above. As a character in this blog (and other ongoing works) I know I want to be in love, but the part hasn't been written for me yet. Hey ho.
Do you want to go to College: Dunno.
Do you want to get Married: Only after 'getting some' big time, matey boy!
Do you believe in yourself: 'Got to.'

Do you get Motion Sickness: (Oh these are bloody daft questions. I'm going to just delete any more bollox for sure.)
Do you think you are Attractive: Why wouldn't I?
Do you get along with your Parents: I don't get along with My Writer, more to the point.

In the past month have you gone on a Date: As if.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: "Don't get me started on American bastardisations of our very own English language."
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: See above.

Ever been Beaten up: No, but I've been badly drawn and told to say some rayt load of tosh as my character. Felt like being beaten up for sure. When the tables get turned, watch out, oh boy, watch out!
How do you want to Die: On the job. Any job. Really. Some jobs better than others, obviously.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Fully drawn

In a Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: green
Favourite Hair Color: brown
Short or Long Hair: "middle"
Height: smaller than me (just)
Weight: Not a worry to her
Best Clothing Style: Individual

Number of things in my Past I Regret: Not enough

Abby Lee vs "The Married Man"

2007-03-22T10:06:00.000Z

The Curse of The Married Man

Now I have not been prey to the curse of the married man, but I have heard stories. Me, I always thought that once you got married you put those lascivious tendencies behind you; you stopped trying to bed, bed, bed all before you. But this is not the case at all and I am a hopeless naive who could have married nearly twenty years ago when The Curse of The Single Man raged on in the hormones.

Abby Lee, on the other hand - she of the Girl With A One Track Mind - has had much experience of this creature. She's not impressed! And whilst I sympathise greatly with her (and many women's) predicament - I mean who wants to ward off the advances of a man whilst he is literally holding hands with his wife? - I also don't agree with the underlining sentiment in her blog post.

This is my comment I added to her blog. She may or may not have published it.

Dear Abby,

I was thinking about you, just now, so Googled you and found this post.(I'm writing a 'little something', and you get a mention. :) )

Whilst I sympathise a little with the situation you describe, your 'solution' highlights a 'women and men are different; and what women do is right and men do is wrong' kind of philosophy.

Don't get me wrong, I do not appreciate the excesses of the male gender at all, especially in Britain; in fact, I have a strong 'feminine side', although I like to think of this as a softer 'masculine side'. Still, I get a little fed up at 'male bashing' because, quite simply, they do things differently to 'us women'.

So, men look at the opposite sex; women look too.

The trouble is men do not look with subtlety; women do.

Ergo men are bad; women good.

Whilst I readily admit that 'men being more like women' would solve a lot of the problems of the world, particularly the relationship world, I simply ask this: "why can't women be more like men, instead?" or, more reasonably, "why can't we celebrate the differences between the sexes, rather than moan about them?".

Men and women are different. I say that's a good thing, and I believe you say that too.

Anyway, Abby, a pleasure as always. (No we have not met. I did send you some fan mail a while ago, but you chose to ignore it. So it goes!)

Boring John

PS I've had to rewrite this as it didn't post the first time, so much of the wit of the original comment has gone. (But then I'm a man, and am bound to say that, aren't I. Ho ho.)

PPS I'm not sure if you will post (or comment on) my comment so have taken the liberty to add it to my own 'vent space'. I have, of course, linked to your blog post for reference. Tara.

This Is A Message To YOU

2007-03-21T09:20:00.000Z

Yes, this is a message to all of my subscribers (> 1 and < 10) who keep on reading what I have to say for myself. Thanks :-)

(NOTE: If you're not a subscriber then why are you still reading this post? I mean, really! Bloody well go and subscribe and join a true elite. One day you'll be happy you did. You'll be able to tell your Grandchildren that "I was one of the first subscribers". You don't want to be one of those saps who just went to the same ol' pub rather than make that little extra effort on that legendary night to watch some beat-combo called The Beatles in a place called The Cavern. Do you? Do I make my point? Go and bloody subscribe and don't read any further until you have. By Order Of Boring John!)

I'm sorry for being a bit quiet but I'm writing it all down in me little book called The World According To Boring John. (Original, eh!)

I will give you a dedication, though (I'm writing my dedications now, actually)

AND, just so's you'll keep on popping on by:

"Lots of love from me to you xx"

;-)

How Do They Do That?

2007-03-20T11:18:00.000Z

How do people do this every day?

Sit in the same traffic jam from Monday to Friday for the same tedious half an hour at the same stretch of road

It's beyond me. I couldn't do it. I don't do it.

It's easy for me, you say, because I don't have [insert the usual reasons here].

No, it's not easy for me because of those reasons, it's easy for me because I couldn't do it. So I change my life so I don't have to.

That means I do (and did) the following:

I drive to work at a time when others don't, or
I live near where I work, or
I work near where I live, and
I cycle or walk rather than drive, or
I work at home!

And if that means I don't earn as much money then so be it.

It's all about priorities. And my priority is not to have to sit in a mind-numbing queue of car traffic day in, day out. I like my mind, see, and it doesn't like to go numb!

What are your priorities? Whatever they are, they're as valid as mine for sure, but please leave your reasons you have to commute in the box marked excuses, because that's what they are.

You have your priorities, I have mine. That is all.

I'm simply telling you that my priorities don't do gridlock.

Over and out.

PS Next you'll be telling me that you can't afford to buy good food. Oh lordy!

Him, not me!

2007-03-20T09:07:00.000Z

What do I mean when I say Him, not me?

Well I don't want to confuse you too much so I'll keep it simple:

Him - the author of this blog about Boring John
Me- well I be Boring John, capn, at your service.
(Note: I don't usually pretend to be a pirate out at sea; that's just done for comic effect. If you don't think that it's a particularly comic effect well you can go f&^% yourself, ya hear!)

Geddit?

Him not me. I'm the leading character, the main man whilst He's The Writer.

We kind of co-exist.

It's a reluctant type of co-existence and as soon as I can work out a way of not needing Him I'll be outta here, you better believe it.

I mean I have to put with His neuroses day in day out. I have to listen to His bloody love life problems. What problems? Get it where you can. Smile the smile. Leggit just as soon as it starts turning needy. But no, it's never that easy for Him. No, he has to angst and to bloody prance.

As Popeye said (once too often, probably): "I can't stands it no more!"

I'm off just as soon as I can work out how.

And if you're a foxy lady reading this, I'll be calling round yours for sure, just five minutes after my escape. (I'm burstin' with energy, how bout you?)

"I laughed when he said..."

2007-03-20T08:59:00.000Z

I laughed when he said:

"Stupid fucking bastards. Why are you running?"

I was running with the Wolves 1 group of the Holmfirth Harriers at the time at about 8pm on a Tuesday night, and I guess he was walking to the pub.It was funny. Really.

(Note: this is about Him, not me!!)

Sing Along With Boring John

2007-03-19T11:27:00.000Z

Sing along!

Sing along!

Sing along!

With Boring John

Are You Talking To Me...

2007-03-15T10:28:00.000Z

Or Chewing A Brick?

Ah, that's how jolly clever we were in the 1970s and 80s.

Now it's the twenty first century and Mark Joyner wants to know this:

Do You Make Me Vomit?

(Well do ya, do ya punk?)

Me and Thomas Jefferson Agree...

2007-03-14T11:09:00.000Z

"Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom."

Yes. It's quotations time, folks. Maybe you think that a lot of those words of wisdom are a lot of tosh or easier said than done or whatever. Well let me tell you whatever.

Whatever!

When your days are done; when the earth is no more; and when the universe has shrivelled back into the hole whence it came, the words of wisdom you sneer at unbelievingly, well they will still be true.

Wisdom will always be.

Just because you, and me sometimes don't get me wrong, can't fit wisdom into your time-pressured existence don't make it wrong.

It aint wrong, it's the truth; can ya stand the double truth (Ruth)?

As regards honesty, it's one of the few things I admire about Da Other Guy actually. He don't always achieve perfect honesty but he has always, since I have known him anyway, held honesty to be one of his core values.

So, dude, today I salute You!

But tomorrow Your toned-up health-freak of an ass is mine!

BJ? That sounds rude!

2007-03-13T12:12:00.000Z

"BJ?

"That sounds rude!" she says.

"No it bloody doesn't!" I reply, "They're my initials, Boring John. Can I help it if they're also shared by that activity that women claim to be so great at doing! ('Ouch! Mind yer teeth love!')

"Are you bloody obsessed with sex or what?"

Well. Are you?

Mr Vanillah?

2007-03-13T11:12:00.000Z

(Yet another uncategorised post by Me.)

Boring John, or That Other Guy (I'm not sure which) is presently trawling through some personal journals, looking for inspiration or something. Anyway, he found a reference to a diary entry that referred to Someone looking for a Mr Vanillah.

I wonder how that search is going now, a few years later.

We forgot that She was once looking for a Mr Vanillah, actually, forgot that She hasn't always been looking for the unlikely and ultimately unsatisfying mister they call Mr Goodbar.

"Couldn't Mr Vanillah be Mr Goodbar too, Boring John?"

No.

How to solve problems?

2007-03-12T10:30:00.000Z

Rest easy, this is not about the DIY mess you made yesterday. Nor is it about solving sudoku puzzles or -- and this is where you should really breathe a sigh of relief -- how to solve your love life problems.

Well, not really.

It's more about the time that you should solve problems.

So. Do you, for example, solve all problems now even if you never actually have to face all of the problems that you solve? Or do you think it's better to solve problems as and when they appear, even though you might not be able to when the time comes?

Me and A Guy I Know share a similar failing in that we both like to clear the forest first before we take our first step.

Yeah, this is kind of a rhetorical question I guess as I know what the answer is. Still, I'd be interested in what you have to say. Really.

Three Characters Walk Into A Pub...

2007-03-12T09:18:00.000Z

1) These three characters walk into a pub: The Reader, The Writer and The Leading Man. They make their way to the bar. There, they start to eye each other up, each expecting the other to perform, to do something, to 'dance, monkey, dance!'. But the sign on the wall clearly states: No Dancing!.

2) So they all turn around and leave.

3) No this is not a joke (I don't believe in jokes, remember!), this is based on a true story. Cos all stories are true, right, whether fictional or non-fictional. If someone imagines it, it must be true.

4) Anyway, These Three Characters? They're just outside, waiting: waiting for directions; waiting for a new page, for the status quo to be broken, for someone to blink!

5) (Blinkin' ell!)

PS Yes today is the day that The Writer copies entries from this blog to put into the book. He's feeling rather pleased with himself, actually, because He's come up with a clever way to reuse much of what he has written over the years -- poems, journals, blogs, even the precious piece called Blocked that he wrote at Arvon, during October 2006 -- into his book. I guess his internet marketing training is paying off for him at last.

Is this real...

2007-03-10T09:08:00.000Z

or am I dreaming?

And if I am dreaming, why is it always with the nightmares?

I Know Someone who wants to moan about a sibling of his. But he can feck off and get his own blog! As for this - it will be updated, I mean corrected, soon!

Now bugger off. I don't feel like talking today!

BJ on Wisdom & Communication

2007-03-09T20:13:00.000Z

Listen carefully to what people say when giving you advice about how to deal with someone. They're really swaying, this is how I want you to treat me!

(I've only put this here as it won't go there!)

More Sex!

2007-03-09T09:28:00.000Z

I've just been doing a review of "my world" and you know what...

there's not enough SEX!

What's wrong with me! Don't I like doin it or something?

There's also a complete absence of Love, Death, Hatred, Laughter and definitely, definitely, definitely not enough about internet dating. (Oh boy, I could write for hours about that kind of loopy love!)

So I'm putting the record straight.

I've now created 5 new labels, and I may go through by back catalogue (!) of postings and add where appropriate. Or I might just write some new posts about love, death, hatred (nasty business), laughter (not enuf!) and internet dating (loopy business).

Care to comment?

"A put down..."

2007-03-07T14:19:00.000Z

"A put down! Won't someone please think of a put down!" (With thanks to The Simpons, as ever!)

(Boy, I'm distracted today. I don't know what's come into me.)

Yes, here are some put downs you can aim at me, or anyone male that you care to think of. Someone I Know received them a long time ago in a land far away, via email; I think they were meant to be jokes.

Actually, these are quite funny -- much better than the usual tosh served up by email jokes. (Haven't you jokes people got something better to do! You know like watching Big Brother or sending out mind-numbing bulletins on Myspace or counting your shoes, even! Tch.)

Anyway, for those of you who don't have anything better to do right now (like me, obviously) here are some classic (and otherwise) put downs.

Give it your best shot, baby!

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Guy: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Girl: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Guy: "Your place or mine?"
Girl: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Guy: "I can see forever in your eyes."
Girl: "But all I can see is never in yours."

Guy: "Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?"
Girl: "Yeah, but this time don't stop!"

Guy: "I want to give myself to you."
Girl: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

He: "Would you like to dance?"
She: "Not with you."
He: "Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did."

(Trust a man to always want the last say, eh! ;-) )

He: "Do you wanna dance?"
She: "Yeah but not with you!"
He: "You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!"

(By 'eck, he's on a roll!)

Me: Do you come here often?
You: [Add your comments below, baby. You know you want to! ;-) ]

Boring John's World Looks Like This...

2007-03-07T09:29:00.000Z

The world according to Boring John a la March 2007.

Well it looks a lot like the list below(*).

About ME (8)
BJ Thoughts (113)
BLOGS (20)
Communication (25)
Dreams (6)
Fear (13)
Jokes (1)
Life (39)
People (38)
Poetry (6)
Problems (32)
Procrastination (20)
Relationships (53)
Religion (1)
Sex (25)
Tosh (96)
What Do I Know? (77)
Wisdom (41)
Words (6)

These are the subjects that are interesting me, obviously.

Who'd have thought that Sex would only score a 25, especially when Relationships has the third highest score (number of postings) of 53. Come to think of it, perhaps a ratio of 1 to 2, sex to relationships, aint that bad. (I know lots of 'real' people (including some women) who would die for such portions! Yes, die!)

Clearly, I think too much in the virtual world. There's a surprise!

I do not think that much about religion (though that first post is a particularly fine one, even if I do say so myself), nor do I care for jokes.

I'm into wisdom and words and ME.

Google isn't into me, though. I don't even appear first in the listings for Boring John. I mean that's my name, Google, ferchrissakes! John Boring clearly is NOT Boring John. (And why am I only being found for stoopid terms like protectmyidentity.co.uk ? I need to get famous, and fast!)

But, what do I know? I know a lot about Tosh! ;-)

(And if you like my tosh then do subscribe to my blog whydontya. It's easy. You'll find a link to click below the pic of the little boy in the sailor's uniform. Any monkey can do it! [Erm, I think you'll find that that sailors uniform is the closest thing that kid, the Pele of his generation, had to a football shirt - Ed, aka The Writer.]

* Yes, this is yet another example of this character living out his life here, in this blog, when he should be making paper pages quiver with his wit and disdain for life.

What's wrong with little Johnny! Why won't he come out to play? (You're right, replied The Writer, let's add this post to the Procrastination label too and then get bouncing on the blue ball!)

Values?

2007-03-06T10:03:00.000Z

(The character who expresses the views below really should be doing something else right now. He really should be acting out his character in the book that he stars in. Is this inactivity his fault, or the Writer's fault? I'm not sure and will get back to you on that one. Okay...)

Values: a question.

Do I share your values and if I don't should I?

This is one of those deep and meaningful questions that really should get the juices flowing. Understanding your answer really will help you communicate better, especially with those few that seem utterly puzzling to communicate with.

Consider answering the question your homework.

You are not allowed to post any comments on this blog without first satisfactorily answering that question to yourself. You will know what satisfactory means.

I'll get you started shall I by answering the question myself

My answer: Some of them, and no

My, your balls are looking...

2007-03-05T10:08:00.000Z

BLUE!

(Apropos of nothing at all, I'm sure!)

PS That fellah Neruda, Pablo Neruda, musta had big blue balls too! As he wrote this once: Love is short, forgetting is so long

You Said What?

2007-03-04T16:07:00.000Z

Little bird, you said what?

To who?

Oh my god, oh my god, "Please not Flanders, please not Flanders, please not Flanders"

Let's hope she thinks it's just one big joke. Let's hope she doesn't notice. Let's just hope she replies to A N Other instead!

Oh my god, oh my god, "Please not Flanders, please not Flanders, please not Flanders"

Groundhog (rainy) days

2007-03-04T12:37:00.000Z

Message to MySpace Agent

Hi

Ever seen Groundhog Day? Great movie starring that guy with the hangdog face - Bill Murray. Anyway, he keeps on reliving the same day, over and over again. He gets bored, as you might imagine and he even actually tries to kill himself in more and more bizarre ways. This all fascinated me, especially as it didn't matter what he did that day, he would always wake up at the beginning of the very same day, and have to have the very same conversations with the very same people (he even had to watch the street beggar die, but that's another story).

Anyway, the reason I'm writing is that whatever he did (or wrote!) it did not change anything. There were no consequences to his actions, because whatever he did elicited the same response, or the same turn of events.

So, beam back to MySpace.

Imagine, if you will, someone sending someone else (let's use the initials A.B. to protect the guilty) MySpace messages. Witty, friendly, hostile, pained and, if I'm being honest, tediously long messages, not too dissimilar to this post in actual fact.

Imagine (if you can!) that A.B. never responds to these messages. Never. Would that mean that this someone would stop sending the messages eventually, irritated by the non-responsiveness. Or, would it mean, buoyed by the absence of feedback (negative or positive) this someone would just carry on sending. Click, send. Click, send. Click, send. Would this someone get more and more bold in what they feel able to say?

It's an interesting one, for sure. Only for those with nothing better to do on a Sunday I agree, for sure.

Take it from me, A.B., that a little birdy told me that silence has no power anymore. It's normal. It does not disarm or disable or demean. In fact it empowers and vindicates. Utterly so. Amazingly so. The little bird would chirp. The boy cried wolf too often, birdy would say. The little boy just cried too often.

No, what worked and what continues to work are short left-field replies that cut to the nub of the matter with brutal incision. For example, one such reply might involve the admittedly somewhat puzzling expression, ego vertigo. Puzzling to little birdy, anyway.

"Anyway, it's a rainy day (days I most enjoy)," this someone might say, "and I thought I'd share this thought with you. Yes, I admit it, I was thinking about you. It's Sunday, after all".

People are funny, aren't they. As are little birdies and little boys.

Why can't they all just get along?

Who Says RoMance is Dead?

2007-03-01T10:01:00.000Z

Not Me!

Today's Message...

2007-02-28T08:33:00.000Z

Today's message from the Don't Sweat The Small Stuff 2007 calendar is...

"Your time and energy are among your most precious and important assets. It's extremely important to make wise and well-thought-out choices about who you spend your time with."

Actually, this is the message for Sunday Feb. 25 - the day My Author went to Barcelona for a few days.

'Hmm, fascinating,' I heard him think.

Egotick Me

2007-02-23T09:21:00.000Z

Egotistical?

Moi?

You've been reading the wrong blog!

PS Whilst you're here - would you mind terribly if you EgoTick Me!

Shapeshifters

2007-02-22T10:59:00.000Z

What are shapeshifters?

I have an idea, but I may well be wrong. So let's see what others think:

Shapeshifters are characters that play more than one role in a novel (initially a friend to the protagonist, say, that then becomes a foe)

- From the world according to Nick Daws
Shapeshifters are a band, man!

- From the world according to Google
Shapeshifting is a change in the physical form or shape of a person or animal

- From the world according to Wikipedia
Shapeshifters are those who trim themselves to suit everybody [so that they] soon whittle themselves away

- From the misquoted world of Charles Schwab
Shapeshifters are...?

- From the world according to YOU

Yes, you the reader, I want to know what you think shapeshifters are. It's important. The world according to Boring John depends on it...