"And that's how two characters should dance together in life"

And that's how two characters should dance together in life?

Yes, and it's all explained here in this (almost finished*) version of The World According to Boring John (PDF version) - you'll need a password!**

Enjoy! I know I didn't.

* This book may never get finished - He may not be up to it!
** And the password is... - contact me (or Him) for it!

"How do you like them apples?"

Apologies, dear reader, for the lack of blog entries. But, hey, I can't be in two places at once now can I, and me and Him are still working hard on the book. (The book? Yeah, the one imaginatively titled The World According to Boring John.)

Anyways, as part of my research for today - my material really was poor, and I needed to pad it out a little - I came across some quotes from that top film, Good Will Hunting. So, I thought I'd share.

And if you want me to explain what's being said here, especially in bold, well you can, er, suck my mother-hubbard stick! (Sorry, the testosternone levels are high - book pressures, etc. It's gotta be finished by the end of the year, and we're only half way through the latest rewrite. I meant to say that I just don't have the time to explain - work it out for yourself. ;-) )

Okay, peeps, here come the quotes...

Skylar: What is your obsession with this money? My father died when I was 13 and I inherited this money. You don't think that every day I wake up and wish I could give it back? That I would give it back in a second if I could have one more day with him? But I can't, and that's my life and I deal with it. So don't put your shit on me when you're the one that's afraid.

Will: I'm afraid? What am I afraid of? What the fuck am I afraid of?

Skylar: You're afraid of me! You're afraid that I won't love you back! Fuck it, I wanna give it a shot! At least I'm honest with you.

(By the way, that Will was a lucky bugger indeed. I've always fancied Minnie Driver, despite the dodgy name! As for Skylar, I think she might be onto something there! Whaddya think?)
.
.
.

"I fail to assert my needs"

Who said that then?

Well it obviously wasn't me - not the sort of thing I'm ever heard saying, that's for bloody sure! So I guess it must have been Him. Not only did He say it, he's in a bloody touchy-feely magazine saying it WITH HIS PHOTO! Soft Git!

The thing is, He's proud of his answer-piece about how how men and women communicate (or something) - he's not embarassed at all. No wonder his siblings think he's, er, 'different'.

So, the magazine?

Psychologies magazine of course, dear blog reader - what other magazine could it possibly be?

(When am I going to get the interview callup for Nuts magazine, or Zoo, that's what I want to know? Then I'll tell Nuts about my failing to assert my needs - failing at least 3 times a night, I should coco! Heheh! )

I can't talk right now...

I can't talk right now, as you may have noticed - sorry. The thing is, I'm in between revisions and it's all getting quite exciting, it really is. Revisions? Yep, the book that I'm in is being revised almost as I speak, and I'm having to concentrate my efforts over there, for now.

Draft #4 won't take long, though - just need to make sure 'the gig' is working, really.

Anyways, as I'm in my 'be nice to Him' mode right now - it's near the end of the book, see, and I'm meant to have softened towards The Daft Git a bit - I may as well wish his new special someone a happy birthday, ain't I? Hey, it costs me little, saying "Happy Birthday Debbi" after all. And I am already here, spouting.

No doubt He will tell her about my little post. Let's just hope her joy leads to his joy (if you know what I mean!) which, in turn, leads to some joy for lil ol' me. Well, I can hope anyway.

And for anyone else who is having a birthday on October 8th, 2007, Clare Grogan has something to say to y'all. Take it away Clare...



And, here's the Altered Images video to boot...

There's Nowt So Strange as... Email

I read this funny email today - not sure who wrote it (he lied). Anyway, here it is:

"I think people deal with [difficult] situations differently. If H. really didn't feel anything for you then I don't think he'd have to hide himself away in another relationship as soon as possible. You are facing your feelings and he isn't. That's all. So don't think that he didn't care about you, because, perversely, his current behaviour means that he did. That's how I think you should look at it, anyway :-)"

So, black is white then and if I beat you up it means that I love you, really.

Wow! There's nowt so strange as email is there, nowt so strange indeed?

Marmite Anyone?

Who would write an internet dating profile like this (and expect to "get some" after having done so)?

Profile begins...

Why should people get to know you?

Why should you bother reading any further than this line? Well, frankly, I'm bloomin marvellous to put not too fine a point on it. And you'd be mad not to engage with me a little, just to find out more. In fact, I seriously doubt that there are more than a handful of men as lovely, interesting, sexy and plain stonkingly fit as me, on here!

Of course it is all in the eye of the beholder and I may not float your boat, but aren't you just a little bit curious?

Nobody likes a big head, I know, and I am of course affecting this somewhat to garner your attention a little. But I do think I am pretty damned fine, notwithstanding a few flaws here and there. (I like to think of my flaws as material to work with! It would be boring, after all, if there were no challenges for you. Don't you agree? ;-) )

The trouble with being so marvellous, though is that I'm in demand. This is especially so in this online world where others post pics of themselves when they were skinny and twenty-something, not thinking that the balding forty-year old fatty squashed in the corner isn't going to put you off a tad! (Blokes, huh?) So that means I don't need this profile to get lots of interest - I'm looking for the *right kind* of interest and, free tip here, you should be too.

Hey, there will be always be guys on here with bigger cars than me and bigger wallets, bigger brains even, and bigger other stuff for all I care. If big is what matters to you most then I suggest you stop reading now. (Shh, I can here their car keys jangling now!) It's the 'sum of all the parts' thing that really matters, though, if you ask me.

It's also possible that you might find cuter guys on here, too, affecting a 'do you mean me' look of modesty in their photo (just check the Soulmates popular profiles to see what I mean). I'm cool with that. Good luck to 'em. I am not here to be "Popular", I am here to meet a discerning one or two. My photo's hidden but I am more than happy with my physical appearance ta very much.

Describe your ideal match

You don't need to have an eejit attitude like mine, for one thing, but I won't hold it against you if you do, either. Believe me, by bark is worse than my bite - I am actually a lovely man, but how do you say that without sounding like a git? So that means that this bit of my previous profile is still true "It would be great too if you shared my marvel at the world we live in. The world is marvellous, even with all this rain!"

Actually, I believe the world would be a whole lot better place if we all thought more highly of ourselves, in a good way of course. And there's not enough passion on the planet, either. So take a look at some of my passions and imagine yourself joining in...

• Walking. Not just to "pretty places", either; I just love walking anywhere
  
• Going to the movies. Big fan of intelligent and clever, and hate brain-dead (why would I want to kill my brain prematurely?)
  
• Kissing, touching and all that ooh-la-la. (I'm good, what can I say!)
  
• Dancing to groovy beats, or any music with attitude
  
• Writing. Yeah I like writing, and I might even write you a poem, to "get you in the mood"!

There is more, obviously but I have to maintain a little bit of mystery, don't I?

As for you, please be interested in something other than shopping. We're only here for a short time, and buying lots of stuff you don't need every weekend don't sound too imaginative to me. Share my passions or have your own. Be bright, be fun and above all be yourself!

A few last thoughts for you to linger over, then. I don't "do it" for everybody, but just think if I "did it" for you, even if only as a friend. A man with emotional intelligence, with spunk and a modest dollop of charisma, who you might also want to be rude with too - I ask ya, how many of those do you get to the pound, these days?

Anyway, I think I've blown my own trumpet long enough. Over to you: whaddya say? Are you up for something 'different'?

(Hey, at least it beats "liking night's out and night's in".)

Profile ends.

So who would write such a profile?

Answer: He would.

Is it any wonder He's such a frustrated guy? Tch.

Married Man Syndrome

Married Man Syndrome?

Is this an impressive, intelligent article about our much-maligned Married Man?

Does it contain easy-to-say, but hard-to-do wisdom for women and men alike?

Is it food for thought?

Answers on a postcard, please!

PS Yes, I have been busy! Aint you?

Who Said This?

"I cannot be happy whilst you, someone I care about, are not. I am not responsible for your happiness but it does not seem fair for me to find peace when your life is still shadowed in pain?"

Whoever said it, and I have a strong idea which Idiot it was, they are destined to live a life of struggle, for sure.

"It wasn't your fault," said the adult to the little boy in the photo. "It wasn't your fault."

Wipe the tear from your eye, Mr Idiot. It was not Your fault.

I APOLOGISE!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I apologise.

For every time I pissed you off, stood you up, made you feel second best, didn't get your joke, didn't flatter you or 'had a cow, man', I apologise.

For those times I dumped on you, rejected you, didn't listen to you or overreacted to what you'd said, I apologise.

For the odd time I ignored you, hurt your feelings, laughed when I should have cried, hugged you when I shouldna touched you, I apologise

For those things I did wrong that I didn't realise I'd done wrong, or those things I don't remember no more, I apologise.

I apologise for apologising too much.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Right?

Can we start again. Can we? C-a-n w-e s-t-a-r-t a-g-a-i-n ?

Can we draw a line under this?

It's not going to be perfect from here on in, but I will stop saying sorry.

Agreed?

Okay?

I'm sorry.

Let's move on...

(Cos soon we'll all be dead.)

And then we'll both be sorry.

Sexual Equality?

I know this woman, you probably know one too, who couldn't find love. She'd meet men, lots of them, but one thing or another wasn't right. Then she meets this guy -- this is not autobiographical by the way, I was not that man; I wish -- and he likes her, and she likes him. But then, subconsciously, as the relationship develops, she tries to put him second -- yes, she still likes him but she won't be able to stay with him that weekend; she tries to get her way. The man isn't happy with this, though. He uses the word no. "You can stay with me," he says, "and we can meet your friends or let's just not bother. "

And what did she say?

"I do."

And what else did she say?

"Men have let me get away with everything, in the past."

(And she doesn't respect those men.) I said that.

The moral of the story? Sometimes women have to be tamed, for want of a better word. (I thought to use broken in but it would give entirely the wrong meaning to what I'm trying to say. Nice image, though, eh! Lol.)

Yes, sometimes they need, nay crave, to be tamed. The winner -- the so-called Mr Right -- is the man who does the taming. Simple. As. That.

Okay, back to me. (That's why I'm writing this after all.)

Okay, so if taming works for women then why doesn't it work for men?

Okay, when I say men I mean Boring John.

Does Boring John need to be tamed?

Yes.

Okay, where are the taming instructions then?

It doesn't work like that.

In fact, you have to ignore what Boring John or the man or the woman says about what they need, what they want and what they fear, to a large extent. This is one case where actions speak louder than words.

Take (appropriate) action.

It isn't easy, but it is doable. (Is that a real word- doable?)

--

Anyway, the point of this whole piece is that it isn't Boring John's fault that he's a sad ol' git all alone. It's all cos no-one ever tamed him.

And that makes him feel all comfortable and somewhat smug. Yes, it's everyone else's fault not his. Yes the world is indeed wonderful - thank you Louis. And yes, I will buy your Big Issue, I will...

What's Wrong With Mr Anonymous?

Mr Anonymous Says...

You know that man that looked at you nicely the other day; your favourite lover, with that glint in his eye; your loving husband; that man you really thought it would work out with, but it didn't; that great male friend of yours; HIM!

Let's call HIM Mr Anonymous.

Well he has something to say to you, Mr Anonymous, are you listening?

He tells me that he loves you, cherishes you; respects you too, finds you sexy - that way that you do that thing. I know you don't believe him, but it's true.

You inspire him.

You inspire him to be stronger, more reliable; more committed to his life, his loves, his friends.

You inspire him to earn more, to care more and show respect; to communicate.

You inspire him to listen, to learn, to laugh and to trust. And he's never had as much fun as when you and he, y'know, squealed and squealed that day.

Thanks to you he loves to flaunt his smiling eyes and show off his body - the firm bits as well as the soft bits.

You inspire him to share. You matter. To him. It's true!

You always have mattered, despite those troubled days, those lows, caused by unending argument; the ugly frowns, the sulky sighs.

He will never forget. You.

Make sure you keep on believing in him. Because he is out there, he really is.

He is not a perfect man (looking for a perfect woman) and he is not always that easy to understand, to read; but he is a real man, like you are a real woman.

A real person.

Mr Anonymous, Mr Real, he says 'hello!'. And he thanks you for remembering, if only for a moment; whichever moment you choose.

So who, again, is Mr A?

Well, he might be the first man you thought of as you read this. Or maybe he's the last person in the world you'd imagine him to be. Maybe you have yet to meet him; he may be waiting to bump into you on the street, right now.

Mr Anonymous is whoever you want him to be.

He's real.

He exists.

He says 'hello'.

How do you let a boy down, gently!

A boy I know, I won't say who - anonymity is the theme for today (you see!) - has very recently been trying to 'get some' with a woman he blew out a few months ago. (By the way, when he says 'blew out' he means 'got bored with waiting for her to be available' after a promising first 'hot kissing in the car park after' date and a 'limpish, hmm limpish' follow up a few days later.)

Now he may be a boy, but he's certainly a man when it comes to being affilicted by not being ruled by the head, sometimes. Naturally he only tells me this after a few beers, a bottle of whisky and we're started on the vodka. In these days of equality (?), he confesses that he has sometimes not even been ruled by his heart. (Shame on him.)

[This was meant to be a short and punchy piece about 'how you dump someone', not a load of guff about hearts and heads. Just use the word, man - he's ruled by his dick! Ed]

As I was saying, ahem!, he wasn't that into her (and he knew *he* wasn't really her type, either) but he really did want to kiss her again. So he signed up to the dating sites where they met (he'd deleted her numbers and emails ages back, right!) and cut to the chase...

Internet dating messages...

then Windows Messenger...

and then, finally, an email.

(Not too clever my friend, as if he could contact her via IM then he had her email address and he really didn't need to open up the Pandoras Box* that is Soulmates. "D'oh!" as his favourite TV character would say.)

Now it could have gone several ways, so he tells me, but it didn't! See below. But it got me thinking, in these days of almost unlimited choice when it comes to dating, how do you actually go about telling someone that isn't quite what you want that he (or she) is not quite what you want!

Obviously, silence and ignoring them works. Always has done, and always will. But that is not my style - it's shabby, it's cowardly, it's weak. It's also not the style of my friend, either - the *he* that I'm referring to.

Apparently if you just come on all strong, emotionally and everything, and tell the woman how much you love her, and need her, and can't wait to see her again and you also ask about 'Dave', her friend, and ask who he is, and wonder why she likes going for a lunchtime drink with him, and get all sulky about it when she won't stop having a lunchtime drink with him - that works too!

Takes far too long, though, eh!

Or...

you could try these lines:

"I am flattered by your interest in me! You are a lovely, charming and funny guy...great company. But....that is it. Sorry!"

"Masterful. Women. The great communicators."

That's what my friend said to me just moments ago. And you know what, today, I have to agree with him.

(*) I meant this

Who Wants To Be A Nice Guy?

According to Joseph Matthews being nice is being selfish.

And I have to agree with him. (Actually reminds me of an earlier thought (of mine) about people who are shy: yes, shy people are selfish people, too.)

This is Joseph says, and I quote:

Here is the typical thought process of Nice Guys:

• "Don't disagree with me! It's not fair because I do so much for you!!!"
• "Please be sympathetic and comfort me when I'm upset! I'm needy and can't comfort myself."
• "Always be in a good mood. I am always trying to make you happy and if I can't, I feel ashamed and mad at you!"
• "Pay attention to me when I need it! I've earned it after all I've done for you!!!!"
• "Take care of me by doing what I'm afraid to do! I take care of you, so you need to return the favor!!!!"

Now that is someone who doesn't seem so nice now, eh!

So I say wise up Nice Guys, wise up!

What Women Want!

Three little words - what women say that they want:

• Personality
• Physical attractiveness
• Excitement

Three little words - what women really want, even if they don't know it:

• Confidence
• Mystery
• Self-respect

Now I don't write the above to decry women, or call them fools, because men are just as bad at saying one thing but meaning another.

It's just human nature, or the difference between conscious and sub-conscious thought.

Instead, I write the above merely as an aide-memoire (to me) so that I stop trying to nice my way into a woman's knickers. (Old nice-guy habits die hard you see, what can I tell ya! I blame me Mum. If only we had had the conversation beginning: "That's very sweet, John, but if you really want some booty action, remember this..." when I was at that impressionable age. Instead it went: "That's very nice, John... Ah, isn't he lovely?". Lovely! Who wants to be lovely when your hormones are raging!)

So now I know to say nowt, and say it with a confident swagger.

You see, I told you I know what women want: John Wayne, that's who!

("Get--on--the--dance-floor--and--take--my-- hand!")

PS If you are a woman, and know much better than me what women really want, then please do leave a comment. No, really! I'd also like to discuss why men lie, why your religion really is the only true religion, and whether your bum really does look big in this. :-)

PPS The truth is I nearly know what women want. I predict I will have complete comprehension of women a few seconds before I die. Nice. Just when you need it.

Great verbal and written communication skills

- so says my CV.

It's funny then, that I am aware of failing to communicate both verbally and via writing (email) on several occasions in the last few years.

What does that failure signify?

And what part, if any, does assertiveness (or lack of it) play in the role of good communication?

(As you can see, today I am not so smug as I only have questions. :-( )

Once Upon A Time...

and against my better judgement, I did my brother a favour. I visited his friend and tried to 'fix' his computer.

Now if you know anything about personal computers then you now that fixing them can be as easy as turning the plug on and as difficult as writing the software in the first place.

Anyway, I 'fixed' his computer, for free (obviously: these people never want to pay to get their bloomin' computers fixed!) -- he hadn't deleted any of his temporary files, and compuserve (remember her?) just wouldn't load.

I was in a hurry, obviously and the allotted one hour was quickly used up.

But.

I was careful to not delete anything I shouldn't do on a computer that I had never seen before, and I switched off and switched on again and everything seemed fine.

Turns out I got it wrong, made things worse.

Turns out my brother's friend, my brother's boss, was non-too pleased.

But what could he do? I'd told him that I might be deleting files in haste.

What could he do? Well, a few years later when I just wanted to use his computer to quickly check my email in a minor emergency (note: use, not fix!), he flat out refused saying that I bust his computer last time I used it.

Exasperating. Simply exasperating.

What can I do?

Well, apart from write about it in my favourite vent-place (not pink, alas, but still a good place to hang!) I can resolve to do the following in future:

1. Never offer to fix someone's computer for free (or otherwise)

Now you might think that's a reasonable conclusion to arrive at, given the circumstances..

Will you, I wonder, agree when I add the following items to this 'what I will do in the future' list?

They have nothing to do with fixing computers, but they do belong to a group of activities that I like to call 'thankless tasks, you CAN still get wrong!" And they exist because I did something once, twice, maybe more and got my hand bitten in return.

I like to think that you shouldn't judge current situations by previous ones, but sometimes, just sometimes, you have to make a rule and there has to be a pretty darned good reason for changing it.

So, let's start that list again:

1. Never offer to fix someone's computer for free (or otherwise)
2. Never offer to lend a book to anyone unless you're happy to give it away
3. Never offer to be a friend to someone who wants more than that from you

Number 3. is an interesting case that I have much experience of, especially in the last few years.

Once upon a time, I befriended a woman from Brighton (as you do when you go internet dating).

In eight months we never met.

But in that time I suffered both personal insults (based on her experience of men, and not her experience of me) as well as personal praise. In that time I offered what wisdom I had, and what friendship I had to help her meet a suitable man, and I tried to ignore the insults as much as I could.

We never met, and we still have not met.

She found her man, and we don't talk anymore.

Finding her man was much more important than meeting me for the first time.

I wasn't only offering friendship but we had never met, so what else could I offer a fellow human being in pain?

I do like having women friends. But, like with the male variety, frienships take time and how you meet someone might influence how likely it is that you can become friends.

So maybe I should also add a fourth item:

4. Never try to meet women friends on a dating site!

Hey, I'm not moaning here.

I'm just trying to explain why I have very recently added 3. and 4. to my list of Don't Do's.

Because, like the Murphys...

:-)

I feel so lonely

... as my email isn't working!

I couldn't have said it better myself!

No really, I couldn't!

- http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/misery.html

(Read it then think about my comments on friendship.)

When Friends #2

And this is the email I actually sent (ahem!)

Hi
Thanks for calling today - you've tried all 3 phones. I'm busy working, though, and don't have time to talk.

I don't think I can go to the Reading festival as well as visit my friend, so I'm going to have to cancel Reading - sorry (it is a long way to come for just one night, if I didn't visit my friend also).

So, I hope you can find someone else to go with you. Let me know if you can't.

I'll try and phone you on the weekend if you like. It's important that I get work done today, so I hope you understand that.

Bye,

When Friends P*** You Off!

When friends annoy you, one of several reactions occur in my modest experience:

1. You act maturely, calmly and (assertively) express your feelings in a hope that they won't do that again, as their friendship is important. You discuss their behaviour and your behaviour and try and learn from the interraction. You, or your friend, may even behave differently
   
   
2. You send off the first email/text message that comes to mind telling them in no uncertain terms how disappointed you are with them and their behaviour. You tell them that their 'friendship' is no longer needed, and that they were never a friend in the first place. (That is, if they 'disappointed' via text or email. If they 'disappointed' you face to face, or via telephone, then you just scream abuse at them, and then tell them them that your friendship is over.)
   
   
3. You do something in between 1. and 2.

The truth is, you get to learn a lot about yourself through the good and bad times that friendship brings.

So when friends disappoint you with their behaviour you get to think why they disappoint you and why you feel disappointed.

You won't be surprised to hear, that I am actually talking from current experience.

See how well I walk the talk below.

Decide which reaction (1.,2. or 3.) I decided to take.

And, again dear reader, you are most welcome to comment.

Subject: Phone calls
Dear [Friend's name]

As I said yesterday, I don't really want to talk on the phone
about this. Maybe I am more cross than I admit, but I have no
right to be - I can see how 'something had to give' juggling
between your hectic social life and getting your academic work
done

I still like you very much, but I do not like the unevenness
of our friendship, and have always felt a bit uneasy about it
if I'm being honest. I should have said so, before now really.

I also don't like the ambiguities in our 'friendship' - I have
always thought of you as a friend first, rather than as a
potential lover.

Good friendships matter to me more than potential lovers, if
the truth be told.

Sorry if I'm overreacting a bit here, but this, to me, is a 'final
straw'. I am, despite my best efforts, still someone who 'puts
up with things' so far and then 'explode' when I feel enough
is enough.

I certainly would like to stay friends, but our friendship
would have to change for that to work for me.

If we just stay friends on the phone, then that is fine, but I
wouldn't want to be seen as your 'counselling friend'. I have
played the "friend's in bad times but never in good times" role
with other friends in the past and it's never satisfactory.

And I guess I'd have to learn to be much more chilled. (I
am getting better, believe it or not!)

So, if you don't mind, can you please find someone else to
go to the Reading Rock festival. I will either go to my friends
birthday party in Bath the next day, or I won't go at all. Either
way, I won't be coming to Reading that weekend.

You have disappointed me, [Friend's Name], but that is as much
my fault as it is yours.

I wish you well with the course-work, and going to Barcelona and
all the other stuff you're going to be doing in August.

And keep smiling. I will, for sure.

BJ