Yorkshire Airlines

By 'eck, I couldn'ta put it better meself.

Watch and learn you bloody non-Yorkshire peasants...



And, remember, "If it's not in Yorkshire, it's not worth bloody visiting!"

"A put down..."

"A put down! Won't someone please think of a put down!" (With thanks to The Simpons, as ever!)

(Boy, I'm distracted today. I don't know what's come into me.)

Yes, here are some put downs you can aim at me, or anyone male that you care to think of. Someone I Know received them a long time ago in a land far away, via email; I think they were meant to be jokes.

Actually, these are quite funny -- much better than the usual tosh served up by email jokes. (Haven't you jokes people got something better to do! You know like watching Big Brother or sending out mind-numbing bulletins on Myspace or counting your shoes, even! Tch.)

Anyway, for those of you who don't have anything better to do right now (like me, obviously) here are some classic (and otherwise) put downs.

Give it your best shot, baby!

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Guy: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Girl: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Guy: "Your place or mine?"
Girl: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Guy: "I can see forever in your eyes."
Girl: "But all I can see is never in yours."

Guy: "Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?"
Girl: "Yeah, but this time don't stop!"

Guy: "I want to give myself to you."
Girl: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

He: "Would you like to dance?"
She: "Not with you."
He: "Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did."

(Trust a man to always want the last say, eh! ;-) )

He: "Do you wanna dance?"
She: "Yeah but not with you!"
He: "You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!"

(By 'eck, he's on a roll!)

Me: Do you come here often?
You: [Add your comments below, baby. You know you want to! ;-) ]

Jokes

Welcome to my jokes page

Or rather my rant about jokes page. Rant? Yes, jokes are not funny and I don't understand why people think that they are.

Example joke!

A bloke walks into a pub and sees Van Gogh standing at the bar.
"Hi Van, can I get you a drink?"
"No thanks, I got one ear."

See! Bloody not funny.

I watched that Peter Kay live once. Very funny man. Part of his very funny routine - "gar-lic bread!" - was telling a couple of jokes.

Yes, we laughed, cos his jokes were crap. If he'd have stood up there and told a load of jokes I'd have left straight away. I'd have heckled first, obviously, with the witty and un-putdownable

"Gerrof! You're rubbish"

But then I'd have left.

He didn't do that, because...

Jokes -- are -- not - funny!

Period.

You know different?

Okay, please do send me your funny jokes to prove me wrong. Here's my email address

NotOnYourNelly@JokesAreNOTFunnyHoney.com

:-)

(In American speak, that's equivalent to.... NOT!)

Jokes
are
not
funny

Not blonde jokes.

Not text message jokes

Not even jokes that are funny.

Life is funny.

A story well told is funny.

Exploding conkers is funny.

Loads of things are funny.

But not freakin jokes.

Allright!

Are we clear! Here!

Now move along. And if you want to break out into a Monty Python Funny Walk that's fine. If you want to say "Bob" with a particular emphasis on the b (a la Blackadder) that's fine. If just you just wanna say "D'oh!" then that's fine, too. But no jokes. They're not funny. Okay?

:-)