Day 29: Now We're Talking...

Boy, I got so much to say and so little time.

Let's kick off with a little bit of night music, shall we. No, there's no Mozart below - it's music by a Brit, no less: Mr Elgar. And there's also one Jaqueline Dupre letting her genius shine on through.

Now I'm more into Beethoven meself, but I'm just doing Him a favour by putting this here! He wants to put a marker down, see, as 2009 approaches. And I'm all for doing it doggie-style - territorially speaking, of course.

Anyway, I'll shut up. Listen. Enjoy. Read on...



Can anything be stranger than fiction?

Well, just ask Harold Crick, I suppose, or read more than 5 posts of this blog.

That Harold Crick's a morbid one, though. I mean what sort of line is this to run by your one and only friend in the world?...

"If you knew you were gonna die, possibly soon, what would you do?"

Still, it's a line that will be making a comeback in a second novel coming soon.

And the name of that novel?

You Only Die Twice

(By the way, not one single word has been written so far. Ah, that's a lie! The first line has been written. Yep, it's one of those books inspired by a single sentence. Again! I just thank the lucky stars I have nothing to do with it. Well at least I hope I don't!)


Even James Bond...

...suffers from the odd bout of angst, it seems. (With a face like that - as if he's got a moutful of wasps in his gob - ol' Daniel C. does well to keep it just the odd bout, if you ask me!) Still, as my lines start to run out, I guess I should take a quantum of solace from that fact. Guess so. Yes, even JB has to think about more than King and Country sometimes.

As for BJ...

Well, it'll soon be Christmas!

"And that's how two characters should dance together in life"

And that's how two characters should dance together in life?

Yes, and it's all explained here in this (almost finished*) version of The World According to Boring John (PDF version) - you'll need a password!**

Enjoy! I know I didn't.

* This book may never get finished - He may not be up to it!
** And the password is... - contact me (or Him) for it!

Solving Your Problems - Why Random Answers Don't Work

We all have problems in life, some more difficult to solve than others. (Tell me about it!) But it NEVER helps when people, 'friends', claim that a solution is close at hand, though; that solving your problem is as easy as picking some random words of wisdom.

Yes, I'm about to debunk the myth of solving problems by choosing random answers, and I'm about to do it using examples of real people's problems and revealing the daft answers they received.

Bring it on!

"Simply hold a problem in your mind, and type it into the problem box below. Then click on the Red Pill and there will be your answer (chosen at random)"

That's what it says at website EgoFatigo.com . And d'you know what I say in return, "Yeah, right. What a load of new age tosh!"

It's obvious that each problem must be viewed on its own, and analysed so as to determine the best way to solve it. That means there's no way an answer plucked at random from the electrons buzzing around the interweb can help you. In my not so humble opinion, anyway.

There are no broad brush answers to life's problems. Absolutely not.

Sometime's it is not my fault; sometimes the solution to all our problems does not lie within; sometimes the person with the problem is the other guy (and the next time he shows his face, I'll smack 'im, I really will!).

Don't believe me? Well, you're probably the sort of person that doesn't believe hard evidence when they see it, but I'll show you it to you anyway. Y'see, I went to one of these so-called problem-solving websites, EgoFatigo.com, and I took a look at the problems being solved (and the random answers it gave). And I've reprinted some of those examples below - with permission of course.

Note: these examples are real (including the bad grammar) and they were (more or less) chosen at random, too.

So let's take a look at the results, shall we.

1. "My problem is that I can't think of a problem!"

Random answer:

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks ofchanging himself." - Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

2. "There are 3 woman. A blonde. a brunette. and a red head. Which do i choose and why is that a good decision? P.S.which one will get me some."

"To see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it." - Ken Keyes, Jr

3. "This website is to complicated with the weird answers that don't make any sense?"

Random answer:

"The person without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder." - Thomas Carlyle

4. "Now I have decided to grow up, get a mortgage and have a baby, I don't have anyone to have a baby or settle down with. Do I pick a nice boy with no personality that pays the bills before it's too late? Or do I hold out for a super dude that may not exist eh?"

Random answer:

"One person caring about another represents life's greatest value." - Jim Rohn

5. "Right - so now you're telling me to hold out for someone and persist instead of settling for less right? Isn't that directly opposite to you just telling me caring about someone and having someone to care about me being what mattered in life? When do I get my million pounds and where's my t shirt?"

Random answer:

"Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go." - William Feather

6. "People sometimes forget that I am human so why shouldn't I feel sorry for myself if no one else will."

Random answer:

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily -- by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." - Aristotle

7. "There isn't a 'solve another problem' option so I have to go back twice - what can I do?"

Random answer:

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily -- by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." - Aristotle

8. "When I did the second one about there not being a 'solve another problem' button - it gave me the same answer - is this because I went back twice?"

Random answer:

"He who knows others is learned. He who knows himself is wise." - Lao-Tzu

9. "I need to move a sofa and I cant get a man with a van and all the places are shut!"

Random answer:

"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." - Jonathan Kozol

10. "I'm clinically obese, what should I do?"

Random answer:

"Expect your every need to be met, expect the answer to every problem, expect abundance on every level, expect to grow spiritually." - Eileen Caddy

11. "Why cant I hold a job for longer then three months?"

Random answer:

"Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress." - Ghandi

--

Ahem, ahem, ahem! Need I comment further? Really?

Here we saw duplicate answers; the clinically obese encouraged to eat what they want; answers to problems that aren't even problems, etc. This kind of problem-solving sometimes antagonises more than soothes, it really does. Just read this, for example, from one such frustrated person with a 'problem':

12. "My problem is [EgoFatigo.com], it sucks and i think it will probably make me go braindead from boredom and the whole stupidity of it"

Random answer:

"You should always be aware that your head creates your world." - Ken Keyes

--

Clearly, the above is mumbo-jumbo nonsense.

Even the answers aren't random, but generalisations (wisdom) that could at a pinch apply to most situations.

Wow, that's clever. Not!

Homer Simpson had it about right when he said, "Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems"

Amen.

If you think this is a load of cynical believe-nothing nonsense then why don't you read part 1 of this article called, Solving Your Problems - Why Random Answers Work? (You'll find it in The World According to Boring John EXTRAS ebook - coming soon to a blog near you!)

Otherwise there really is nothing to see here and you and I should both move on. Problems? What problems!...

"How do you like them apples?"

Apologies, dear reader, for the lack of blog entries. But, hey, I can't be in two places at once now can I, and me and Him are still working hard on the book. (The book? Yeah, the one imaginatively titled The World According to Boring John.)

Anyways, as part of my research for today - my material really was poor, and I needed to pad it out a little - I came across some quotes from that top film, Good Will Hunting. So, I thought I'd share.

And if you want me to explain what's being said here, especially in bold, well you can, er, suck my mother-hubbard stick! (Sorry, the testosternone levels are high - book pressures, etc. It's gotta be finished by the end of the year, and we're only half way through the latest rewrite. I meant to say that I just don't have the time to explain - work it out for yourself. ;-) )

Okay, peeps, here come the quotes...

Skylar: What is your obsession with this money? My father died when I was 13 and I inherited this money. You don't think that every day I wake up and wish I could give it back? That I would give it back in a second if I could have one more day with him? But I can't, and that's my life and I deal with it. So don't put your shit on me when you're the one that's afraid.

Will: I'm afraid? What am I afraid of? What the fuck am I afraid of?

Skylar: You're afraid of me! You're afraid that I won't love you back! Fuck it, I wanna give it a shot! At least I'm honest with you.

(By the way, that Will was a lucky bugger indeed. I've always fancied Minnie Driver, despite the dodgy name! As for Skylar, I think she might be onto something there! Whaddya think?)
.
.
.

Who Said This?

"I cannot be happy whilst you, someone I care about, are not. I am not responsible for your happiness but it does not seem fair for me to find peace when your life is still shadowed in pain?"

Whoever said it, and I have a strong idea which Idiot it was, they are destined to live a life of struggle, for sure.

"It wasn't your fault," said the adult to the little boy in the photo. "It wasn't your fault."

Wipe the tear from your eye, Mr Idiot. It was not Your fault.

How to solve problems?

Rest easy, this is not about the DIY mess you made yesterday. Nor is it about solving sudoku puzzles or -- and this is where you should really breathe a sigh of relief -- how to solve your love life problems.

Well, not really.

It's more about the time that you should solve problems.

So. Do you, for example, solve all problems now even if you never actually have to face all of the problems that you solve? Or do you think it's better to solve problems as and when they appear, even though you might not be able to when the time comes?

Me and A Guy I Know share a similar failing in that we both like to clear the forest first before we take our first step.

Yeah, this is kind of a rhetorical question I guess as I know what the answer is. Still, I'd be interested in what you have to say. Really.

3 Little Words?

I opened one of those random quotations books yesterday, y'know like my mate Ego Fatigo based his (or her, I can't be sure!) website on. Basically, it was offering wisdom in love, and you just had to think of a love-related problem.

So, anyways, these are the three little words that resulted (I did it three times, see):

1. Transition
   
2. Healing
   
3. Get over it

So there you go.

Utter nonsense, as I suspected...

Change?

I'm all for change, I really am, but what does change actually mean?

For example, does change mean doing the things you don't want to do (as stipulated in my 2007 New Year Resolutions)? Or does it mean changing how you think about the things you don't want to do so that you do want to do them? Or does it mean allowing yourself not to do those things you don't want to without giving it another thought?

And, whilst you're thinking about this, I have another question for you:

• why do some people think too much, whilst others don't think enough?

Insomnia?

This morning I woke up and went to the bathroom; I then looked at my watch and it said: 2:57

Hmm.

After much tossing, turning and gnashing of the gnashers, I looked at my watch and it said: 3:39

Hmm.

"I wanna go to bloody sleep!"

I looked again at my watch, and it said: 4:45. Then 5.13

"Fooks sake!"

Why?

Well my "Don't sweat the small stuff" calendar entry for Thursday February 8th might yield a clue. It said: "If you can let go of the past, free yourself from it -- your resentments, judgements, concerns, anger, boredom and frustration -- you'll open the door to a brand-new beginning."

Either that, or you'll get a good night's sleep.

Sexual Equality?

I know this woman, you probably know one too, who couldn't find love. She'd meet men, lots of them, but one thing or another wasn't right. Then she meets this guy -- this is not autobiographical by the way, I was not that man; I wish -- and he likes her, and she likes him. But then, subconsciously, as the relationship develops, she tries to put him second -- yes, she still likes him but she won't be able to stay with him that weekend; she tries to get her way. The man isn't happy with this, though. He uses the word no. "You can stay with me," he says, "and we can meet your friends or let's just not bother. "

And what did she say?

"I do."

And what else did she say?

"Men have let me get away with everything, in the past."

(And she doesn't respect those men.) I said that.

The moral of the story? Sometimes women have to be tamed, for want of a better word. (I thought to use broken in but it would give entirely the wrong meaning to what I'm trying to say. Nice image, though, eh! Lol.)

Yes, sometimes they need, nay crave, to be tamed. The winner -- the so-called Mr Right -- is the man who does the taming. Simple. As. That.

Okay, back to me. (That's why I'm writing this after all.)

Okay, so if taming works for women then why doesn't it work for men?

Okay, when I say men I mean Boring John.

Does Boring John need to be tamed?

Yes.

Okay, where are the taming instructions then?

It doesn't work like that.

In fact, you have to ignore what Boring John or the man or the woman says about what they need, what they want and what they fear, to a large extent. This is one case where actions speak louder than words.

Take (appropriate) action.

It isn't easy, but it is doable. (Is that a real word- doable?)

--

Anyway, the point of this whole piece is that it isn't Boring John's fault that he's a sad ol' git all alone. It's all cos no-one ever tamed him.

And that makes him feel all comfortable and somewhat smug. Yes, it's everyone else's fault not his. Yes the world is indeed wonderful - thank you Louis. And yes, I will buy your Big Issue, I will...

Why?...

Why do I want everyone to like me?

(And why don't they?)

"Move over Ego Fatigo" says Boring John

Problem:

I have a thoughtless boyfriend - I want him to be more understanding and supportive - how do I do that eh?

Ego Fatigo and Mahatma Gandhi answers:

It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.

---

Wooah! Much as I respect my old mucker Ego Fatigo (and that Gandhi geyser knew a thing or too, also) I have to take issue, serious issue, at the advice being handed out here.

THIS is what the answer to the problem above, my dear reader (don't you agree!)

Boring John Says:

If you wanted an apple then why did you pick an orange!

(Is that a bit harsh, I'm not sure as I don't know the exact situation our problem-owner is talking about. I do speak as an avid member of the [Apple] Club, though, and I will admit to being annoyed when women complain that men are not a member of our club when they never professed to be in the first place. I also get annoyed when women complain that men are not like them. Well, duh!, that's because they're men! (Men that make similarly dumb comparisons to women make me cross too, don't worry.))

Another Problem:

What makes a guy chase after a girl for six months, swear undying love and devotion, promise to solve all her problems, put up with all her hang ups and deal with all her insecurities, then dump her in the worst way after 3 months in a relationship?

Ego Fatigo and Unknown answers:

When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.

No, no, no Ego Fatigo! Man, there's a much better answer below for sure...

Boring John Says:

If you make a man dance for his supper then don't be surprised if he learns his steps a little too well.

Final Problem:

I need a problem

Ego Fatigo Answers:

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.

That's better, Ego Fatigo, much better! Keep on persisting [sickish mish] and those problems will soon come knocking on your doorstep, I'm sure!

10 Things I Am Going To Do In 2007

In no particular order:

1. Write a novel
2. Get my hair cut. (I haven't cut my hair in over three years, don't you know, so I'm due!)
3. Change. Change what? Change (or at least begin to change) everything that needs to change and challenge the behaviour in myself that I don't like
4. Eat frogs, everyday!
5. Visit as many of my friends as I can whether they live locally or they live darn sarf!
6. Hang out with my family more
7. Run 10K in under 40 minutes
8. Do things I don't like doing; e.g. talk when I want to be quiet, go out when I want to stay in, smile or laugh when I want to snarl or loathe. I want to start doing things I don't like doing so that I start liking doing them. (Got that?)
9. Stop flirting, start talking; stop leering, start listening; stop wondering, start learning
10. And, finally, love my leetle self a leetle bit more (ahhhh!)

Puked yet?

Well, there's more.

The above begins on Jan 1st 2007 and ends when I've completed it or when I have more important things to do.

So there.

Father Ted Confessional

(A work in progress!)

Boring John:

Father, I have a problem with women, Father, too many women.

Yes, I have these women friends, Father, friends that are women. And either I think they want something more from me, Father, or I want something more from them. Year after year, Father, this list of women where the names sometimes change, Father, as do the situations, but it's still a list of women, Father and I just want some friends, really I do Father, just some friends and some smiles and some fun. Father, what can I do?

For example, I have this good friend Father, really good. Trouble is we sometimes have this really great sex, Father, really great. And I keep trying to resist the great sex, Father, resist the temptation. But it's just so great and so physically fulfilling, Father, and... and my woman friend thinks it's great too, Father. She seems perfectly happy, Father, but I'm leading her on, aren't I, I'm leading her on? I know that I am, I'm leading her on; and that's wrong, Father, that has to be wrong. What can I do, Father?

I have another woman friend who gets all deep and meaningful with me, Father; but we've only met once, Father, and I hardly know her at all. And she says she doesn't want one of them relationship things with me, Father, or even that casual kind of sex thing. But - ah, you're a man of the world Father I know that you are - it's one of those situations where what you say is different to what you mean, Father, I know that it is. I know you know what I mean, Father, that's why I'm here talking to you now. I know you know what I mean, Father!

I even have a woman friend who finds it fascinating that I have all these woman friends. Trouble is, Father, she's looking for someone special too, I know; I know she's looking for the right man, Father, and that might not be me, Father, might not be me. And she wouldn't be so interested in my list of women if she wasn't interested in me, Father. I know it, Father, and I know you know it too, Father.

But it's not all me, me, me, Father, not it isn't! I have one woman friend who I don't seem to be able to get from under my skin. We rarely talk these days, or meet and share only the obscurest of communications, Father, every now and then. We do that instant messenger thing or we meet on Myspace, Father (you know that Myspace place where that Borat character lives). But it's not a proper meeting, Father, and we don't really talk to each other, don't really speak. The daft thing is, Father, she doesn't even want a relationship anymore, with anyone Father, let alone me - she's told me as such, Father, told me as such. So she hardly encourages me at all, Father, yet there she is still under my skin. Why Father, why?

Yes, Father, I probably do encourage these situations year in year out, you're right.

Yes, Father, I probably do like to keep my options open; you're right about that too.

Yes, Father, perhaps I do fear committing again, Father, fear getting hurt again. You know how it is, Father, you know how it is.

But I DO want this all to stop, Father, I really do. No more lists of women, Father, no more potential situations; just friends and a life of fun rather than worry, Father. You know how it is, Father, and you know how it should be Father, I know that you do, Father, I know that you do.

So, Father, what can I do? What can I do Father?

Dougal:

"You have a what, now?"

What I Want For Christmas!

I want to solve all of the world's problems. Am I being too ambitious? Should I, instead, sort myself out first? Or how about if I started with you and your problems... "Tell me about your childhood"

Random thought of the day

Don't you just hate it when this happens! You're minding your own business when, bam!, you find yourself tuned into someone else's thoughts, someone else's fears. It wouldn't be so bad if they were sexy thoughts, or sexy fears, but no! Instead...

"... I guess I have kept the drama alive over the years, so part of me could feed off the pain

"I've dallied with internet dating, for example, so I could be distracted (and have some excitement in my life) and so I could add to my complex layers of guilt (morning after the excitement before).

"Why do you I don't want to succeed?

"Why am I holding myself back?

"Why do I still believe that life is difficult, life is hard, when it's really as easy, easy, easy as you want it to be?

"So why do I want life to be hard?

"Why am I fascinated by my so-called nemesis? I am far more negative a force in my life than any imaginary foe, any queen bitch..."

Grim stuff, eh!

It gets even worse.

He starts reciting a blimmin poem! I'd click away now, if I were you. It's a shocker...

Poem 666
========

Queen Bitch
You aint seen
nothin Sis
For I'm the King,
the QB of this dome main

Where are you
first thing?

I... wake with Him;
taunt Him morning,
noon and night.
Make up stories, I do,
'bout You
Who you with, and
why - you're - not - thinking - of - Him

Your twisted and bitter
refrain?
Disdain!
I got fifty better
in my locker,
locked away

I delve deep
into HisStory
Play out his doomed
scenes once more,
(Just in case he forgets)

You help, oh yes
But you're just part of
an extensive 41-year
cast-list.
...Just a player
But *I* star,
in the mind of
my Master

I know my Man
I haunt and
I taunt,
like no-one else
can
*I'm* the Queen Bitch

I undermine
I talk back
I demean (LIKE A DAEMON!)

I reduce
I traduce

I keep him alive!
Just so I can do it
all over again

I'm the man,
the Pain Body man

At your service...

If you please...
(IF YOU DON'T PLEASE!)

I'm the devil,
if you will
His precious
3 letters
e.g. (?) Oh!

Or try this 4-letter word:
Fear

I know You too...

I know your curse...

(Charmed... I'll
be round Yours soon!)

:-O

The fog is starting to clear, at last...

and I say "yay" to that.

(Let's get out there and have a game of footty!)

Reconcilliations

Normally I prefer to write about 'him' and 'her' and not me (the world famous Boring John. You think I'm joking about Boring John's fame? He's famous in my world, baby! Ya get me!)

Anyway, *I* met someone on Saturday that I haven't seen for nearly a year, for one of those reconcilliation-type gigs.

My very long day started at 4.30am, and I rode my bicycle into town in time for the 6.16am train headed for Manchester. I arrived in Banbury at 10am, and met my friend at Cafe Quay at 11am. I left Banbury at 7pm and arrived home at about 11.30pm (thanks to a friend who let me put my bike in her car).

I was very nervous.

Yes, it was just another one of those boy-girl friendships that became something more, and then became something very much less (spectacularly so!). One of those 'how could you let it happen' situations that it's easy to be glib, smug and wiser than wise about, when it's not you involved.

But it was me involved, and I had those 'I need the loo now' anxiety blues! (Thanks, Morrisons supermarket. You keep a fine Gents.)

It wasn't a nice feeling. (The reconcilliation went well, though.)

It got me thinking about another, more famous, reconcilliation that took place between two people I know on May 3rd, 2004. There was no nervousness, I'm told, just the feeling that the protagonists were bit-part players (for a moment) in one of those fantastical movies, y'know like The Fisher King.

And then it got me thinking about reconcilliations, full stop...

People sometimes just don't get on.

That's because, borne out of their own pain, people can behave quite horribly to each other.

People can act out their neuroses and fear, often in all innocence, and fail to understand how antagonistic and unwelcome their behaviour is.

However, and this is a 'feel good' story after all (at least to me), as long as there can be reconcilliation and forgiveness there can be hope; there can be love.

So I say Amen to reconcilliations (and turn that music up!)

"Stuck in the middle with YOU"

"If you want to become [emotionally] unstuck, you have to identify what the reward is in your stuck position.

"[And then you have to ask yourself] 'Am I prepared to give up this reward?'"

If not, I humbly suggest dear reader, then you will be stuck in the middle with YOU.

Hey, it's been a few days already. You must have some more problems to solve by now!

Ah, memories

Someone - we won't name them, but they're close to me - was reminiscing today.

(Ah, memories!)

He walked behind Skipton castle (as you do), along a meandering pathway. From a certain viewpoint, next to the obligatory happy gushing waterfall, it looked very much like The Alhambra in Granada, Spain. And then he thought of an odd tourist spot called Ironbridge that he'd visited on a similarly sunny Sunday (very popular but you wonder why). And then he remembered the person that connected the two places: the woman he had experienced The Alhambra and Ironbridge with.

And then he sent a text message to that person, after a year of not doing so (due to an awful fight, lasting several emails).

And she replied by text message, about as positively as he could have hoped for.

Ah, technology.

Ah, memories.