Day 29: Now We're Talking...

Boy, I got so much to say and so little time.

Let's kick off with a little bit of night music, shall we. No, there's no Mozart below - it's music by a Brit, no less: Mr Elgar. And there's also one Jaqueline Dupre letting her genius shine on through.

Now I'm more into Beethoven meself, but I'm just doing Him a favour by putting this here! He wants to put a marker down, see, as 2009 approaches. And I'm all for doing it doggie-style - territorially speaking, of course.

Anyway, I'll shut up. Listen. Enjoy. Read on...



Can anything be stranger than fiction?

Well, just ask Harold Crick, I suppose, or read more than 5 posts of this blog.

That Harold Crick's a morbid one, though. I mean what sort of line is this to run by your one and only friend in the world?...

"If you knew you were gonna die, possibly soon, what would you do?"

Still, it's a line that will be making a comeback in a second novel coming soon.

And the name of that novel?

You Only Die Twice

(By the way, not one single word has been written so far. Ah, that's a lie! The first line has been written. Yep, it's one of those books inspired by a single sentence. Again! I just thank the lucky stars I have nothing to do with it. Well at least I hope I don't!)


Even James Bond...

...suffers from the odd bout of angst, it seems. (With a face like that - as if he's got a moutful of wasps in his gob - ol' Daniel C. does well to keep it just the odd bout, if you ask me!) Still, as my lines start to run out, I guess I should take a quantum of solace from that fact. Guess so. Yes, even JB has to think about more than King and Country sometimes.

As for BJ...

Well, it'll soon be Christmas!

Day 27: "Itty bitty, but satisfying!" (*)

Dear Ms Itty Bitty,

If you ever get time to finish the whole of that 2-character gig We sent you, then We'd love to hear your one-sentence review, We really would!

We'll even put it on the back cover, when it gets pubished - promise!

And, as we're pretty sure the card is not in the post, We'll wish you a Merry Christmas now:

Wesołych Świąt Bożego Narodzenia!

Wow, what a mouthful! (**)

(*) We are assured that this is not what the actress said to the Bishop!
(**) Neither was that.

Day 24: 5 Years...

Apparently it's been more or less 5 years since He met She.

Ah, a pair matched in heaven. Or some place beginning with H, anyway.

So, to celebrate this anniversary I thought I'd let David Bowie (and his alter ego Ziggy) do their thing in a little ditty called - surprise, surprise! - 5 Years.

Take it away Mr Stardust...



PS Weren't his teeth so much better back then?

Day 7: Mythical Creatures

Which of these mythical creatures do you actually believe in?

1. Mr P Charming ("Yes, I will still love you in the morning!")
   
   
2. Mr/Ms Right ("Yes, you look great in that dress/suit!")
   
   
3. Mr Goodbar ("Yes, I wanna do that again! And I wanna do it now!")
   
   
4. Mr Bad Boy ("Yeah, I promise lurve not love!... I'll call ya!")
   
   
5. Mr Vanillah ("Yes, I promise to do all of the above! And, yes, you can call me!")

Me?

I believe in none of those buggers, that's for sure!

I believe in a Mr Good Writer - I know he's out there somewhere...

Day 3: Dear Reader

Dear Reader,

I know I said I was going to stop talking about the reader-writer relationship, and talk about 'real' stuff and such, but I just can't seem to help it - it's in my blood right now.

I know that, once upon a time the blog use to be about important stuff like The Simpsons (and feeling smug about them). And then, when I took over the show, the blog'd be about how easy it is to be a man and such (bloody stupid Rudyard Kipling and his impossible rhymes!), but now it's all about me and you, the dear reader.

How post-modern!

How la la la!

(Tch!)

Trouble is, right now, this blog has just the one dear reader - a blonde who has seen better days (just like the rest of us, eh!).

So let me reprise a little something that was written for our precious dear reader aka the Terence Stamp One, a while ago. I call it Mango.

(Ahem! Le me clear me throat!...)

Mango
by Boring John

Mango "Me?"
Nah, it couldn't be!
I'm just a character, see!
She must mean He
- that Mishka P -
She must mean He!

--

And good look to 'er, is all I'll say!

He still can't help Himself when it comes to antagonising and such, and now He's come over all happy and dippy too. This is NOT how to show a girl a good time! Hee hee.

DAY 2: Me and Mr Crick

Me and Mr Crick?

Well, I' d have preferred it if it was Me and Mrs Jones but some black dude got in their first. Tch!

So, where was I? Oh yes, me and Mister Harold Crick (him off that movie Stranger than Fiction) - well, we've both got a 'thing' going on, and neither of us like it!

Harold's thing? Well it turns out Harold Crick - a humble guy, who works the numbers at the IRS - is actually the main character in a novel, he ain't a real person at all. And every now and then he gets to hear his writer's voice in his head - narrating and stuff. How annoying would that be, huh?

But, much worse than that, Harold is being written by a writer whose forte is killing off her main character. Bummer, eh!

So, me and Mr Crick - we know how crappy it is to be written, how positively tedious it is for our destiny to be not our own. Sure, I ain't got a grisly end* lined up just yet, but then I never got to snog the sexy tattooed girl either. I feel Harold's pain, oh yes! And you would too, if you were a bleedin' character stuck inside a blog, or inside the pages of a book that no bugger is ever gonna read!

I ask ya! What did I do to deserve this, eh!

Still, it provides material for a blog post. So I'm not gonna grumble too much. Be rude, no?...


* I left ol' Harold on the bus reading through the last chapter of the book he's in - he was trying to find out how he died. I reckon he's going to read about his demise at the very moment a stupid white boy cycles in front of the bus... and over the bridge she goes!

But I don't know (yet), as I couldn't stand the excitement - I just had to turn off the DVD, as Harold started to read. Hey, I've been there - had my strings pulled, so to speak - so I know how uncomfortable the Crickster must have been feeling at the time! I left him too it. But I'll sneak a peek, maybe tomorrow, to see if he manages to avoid his 'fate'. Go Harold, go!

As for you, you will come back tomorrow won't you? Might even write a few sweet somethings bout ya! (If I can think of any, that is! Lol.)

"And that's how two characters should dance together in life"

And that's how two characters should dance together in life?

Yes, and it's all explained here in this (almost finished*) version of The World According to Boring John (PDF version) - you'll need a password!**

Enjoy! I know I didn't.

* This book may never get finished - He may not be up to it!
** And the password is... - contact me (or Him) for it!

Muse Sick N Hour Mess Age?

Is the Muse sick in our 'mess' age?

Hey, I couldn't possibly comment now could I. (Heheh!)

Well at least it lets me include this kick-ass piece of music from the P E. Oh, it does mean I have to include a piece of love-sak musak afterwards though. But who be it for? Ooh, I dunno. Well, I do, but I ain't tellin!(*) If you can get me a date with Hope S. then maybe we can talk some more. Otherwise... See ya!

Public Enemy video follows...




Sloppy-ass Muzak from Mazzy S. follows...




(*) Hey, I'd love to tell you the second video is for, I really would. But He made me promise NOT to, lest that person visit the website and it spoils His chances, see. And who He? Well, He be Him!

Here's a rhetorical question, for ya...

What happens if there are no rhetorical questions?

Aye. I know what you're thinking. Oh-my-God-Not-Another-Christmas-Cracker-Thought-For-The-Minute kinda thing. Okay, skip it, I hear ya! Here's a better rhetorical question:

Is having a relationship - y'know an 'intimate relationship of the sexual kind' type of relationship - worth having to deal with the game-players, the fearful and the commitment-phobes, the plain mixed-up types and all the other ensemble of losers who get in the way of a simple, yet fulfilling, good time?

Well, I ain't being rhetorical here, because the answer is NO!

So will all the losers who find their way to this particular hidey hole, please leave immediately - taking your bad vibe with you - so that the rest of us can just plain enjoy our lives.

Thank you. Kindly.

I can't talk right now...

I can't talk right now, as you may have noticed - sorry. The thing is, I'm in between revisions and it's all getting quite exciting, it really is. Revisions? Yep, the book that I'm in is being revised almost as I speak, and I'm having to concentrate my efforts over there, for now.

Draft #4 won't take long, though - just need to make sure 'the gig' is working, really.

Anyways, as I'm in my 'be nice to Him' mode right now - it's near the end of the book, see, and I'm meant to have softened towards The Daft Git a bit - I may as well wish his new special someone a happy birthday, ain't I? Hey, it costs me little, saying "Happy Birthday Debbi" after all. And I am already here, spouting.

No doubt He will tell her about my little post. Let's just hope her joy leads to his joy (if you know what I mean!) which, in turn, leads to some joy for lil ol' me. Well, I can hope anyway.

And for anyone else who is having a birthday on October 8th, 2007, Clare Grogan has something to say to y'all. Take it away Clare...



And, here's the Altered Images video to boot...

Self-fulfilling Prophecies

Question: do you believe in self-fulfilling prophecies?

Do you worry about something so much, the washing machine breaking down for example, or your boyfriend doing a runner with the neighbour, that it actually comes to pass?

Seriously. Do you? Has something you've worried about for a while now actually happened? Has it?

Well, if so, I've got another question for you: whyja do that then?

That's some pretty f*cked-up thinking habits ya got there, make no mistake. I'd go see someone about it, if I were you. And I'd definitely go get your washing machine checked over too.

Go on. Do it now. And keep the rest of us from yer doom and gloom scenarios. (Your sort is not wanted around these parts no more...)

There's Nowt So Strange as... Email

I read this funny email today - not sure who wrote it (he lied). Anyway, here it is:

"I think people deal with [difficult] situations differently. If H. really didn't feel anything for you then I don't think he'd have to hide himself away in another relationship as soon as possible. You are facing your feelings and he isn't. That's all. So don't think that he didn't care about you, because, perversely, his current behaviour means that he did. That's how I think you should look at it, anyway :-)"

So, black is white then and if I beat you up it means that I love you, really.

Wow! There's nowt so strange as email is there, nowt so strange indeed?

Marmite Anyone?

Who would write an internet dating profile like this (and expect to "get some" after having done so)?

Profile begins...

Why should people get to know you?

Why should you bother reading any further than this line? Well, frankly, I'm bloomin marvellous to put not too fine a point on it. And you'd be mad not to engage with me a little, just to find out more. In fact, I seriously doubt that there are more than a handful of men as lovely, interesting, sexy and plain stonkingly fit as me, on here!

Of course it is all in the eye of the beholder and I may not float your boat, but aren't you just a little bit curious?

Nobody likes a big head, I know, and I am of course affecting this somewhat to garner your attention a little. But I do think I am pretty damned fine, notwithstanding a few flaws here and there. (I like to think of my flaws as material to work with! It would be boring, after all, if there were no challenges for you. Don't you agree? ;-) )

The trouble with being so marvellous, though is that I'm in demand. This is especially so in this online world where others post pics of themselves when they were skinny and twenty-something, not thinking that the balding forty-year old fatty squashed in the corner isn't going to put you off a tad! (Blokes, huh?) So that means I don't need this profile to get lots of interest - I'm looking for the *right kind* of interest and, free tip here, you should be too.

Hey, there will be always be guys on here with bigger cars than me and bigger wallets, bigger brains even, and bigger other stuff for all I care. If big is what matters to you most then I suggest you stop reading now. (Shh, I can here their car keys jangling now!) It's the 'sum of all the parts' thing that really matters, though, if you ask me.

It's also possible that you might find cuter guys on here, too, affecting a 'do you mean me' look of modesty in their photo (just check the Soulmates popular profiles to see what I mean). I'm cool with that. Good luck to 'em. I am not here to be "Popular", I am here to meet a discerning one or two. My photo's hidden but I am more than happy with my physical appearance ta very much.

Describe your ideal match

You don't need to have an eejit attitude like mine, for one thing, but I won't hold it against you if you do, either. Believe me, by bark is worse than my bite - I am actually a lovely man, but how do you say that without sounding like a git? So that means that this bit of my previous profile is still true "It would be great too if you shared my marvel at the world we live in. The world is marvellous, even with all this rain!"

Actually, I believe the world would be a whole lot better place if we all thought more highly of ourselves, in a good way of course. And there's not enough passion on the planet, either. So take a look at some of my passions and imagine yourself joining in...

• Walking. Not just to "pretty places", either; I just love walking anywhere
  
• Going to the movies. Big fan of intelligent and clever, and hate brain-dead (why would I want to kill my brain prematurely?)
  
• Kissing, touching and all that ooh-la-la. (I'm good, what can I say!)
  
• Dancing to groovy beats, or any music with attitude
  
• Writing. Yeah I like writing, and I might even write you a poem, to "get you in the mood"!

There is more, obviously but I have to maintain a little bit of mystery, don't I?

As for you, please be interested in something other than shopping. We're only here for a short time, and buying lots of stuff you don't need every weekend don't sound too imaginative to me. Share my passions or have your own. Be bright, be fun and above all be yourself!

A few last thoughts for you to linger over, then. I don't "do it" for everybody, but just think if I "did it" for you, even if only as a friend. A man with emotional intelligence, with spunk and a modest dollop of charisma, who you might also want to be rude with too - I ask ya, how many of those do you get to the pound, these days?

Anyway, I think I've blown my own trumpet long enough. Over to you: whaddya say? Are you up for something 'different'?

(Hey, at least it beats "liking night's out and night's in".)

Profile ends.

So who would write such a profile?

Answer: He would.

Is it any wonder He's such a frustrated guy? Tch.

"I'm Back!..."

"At last! After over six hundred and sixty days"

"Bigger, badder, better!

"I'm back!

"C'mon!"

Erm, that was a message from my, er, sponsor!

I too, will be back soon... bigger, badder and better. Er, c'mon!

(Watch this space in 2008. The World According to Boring John as paper book!)

Married Man Syndrome

Married Man Syndrome?

Is this an impressive, intelligent article about our much-maligned Married Man?

Does it contain easy-to-say, but hard-to-do wisdom for women and men alike?

Is it food for thought?

Answers on a postcard, please!

PS Yes, I have been busy! Aint you?

Rules of internet dating

Rules of Internet Dating

These are rules to be taken seriously (or otherwise) that will help your chances of success in the ultimate adult sweety shop.

The rules below are based on extensive, some might say painstaking, research done over the last few years. Of course science is also involved and prejudice and maybe even a small sense of humour got involved too (very small, obviously). But if you know better then please do contribute - all good contributions will be added, anonymously or otherwise.

Here are four rules (or questions to answer) to start the ball rolling.

1) How many emails before you go on a date, or at least speak to each other?

I suggest 3, and always recommend that you talk to the person on the phone before you meet up with them in the flesh. Voices matter, people, as a squeaky voice when you were expecting sexy can offend almost as much as bald instead of hirsute (or vice versa! :-O )

2) How many dates will you go on before you should have kissed, fumbled or held hands?

I suggest 3 as first date fumbles never usually become anything more and if you aint snogged after five dates do you think it's ever really gonna happen. Well, punk, do ya?

3) Do you date/snog or fumble with more than one person at once?

There are some internet daters who think you should not email or date more than one person at a time. Whilst there are others that think, unless you're going out exclusively with one person (don't you just love American expressions like that?) that anything goes with more than one person.

I suggest dating and snogging more than one person at a time is okay, but nothing more. Soon as you've done the ol' 'in out, in out' then you need to commit baby, or get rid! But you can't dibble dabble like that with more than one. Tis bad karma for one thing, and all your mates will be very jealous for another!

4) Are you looking to make friends?

Some people only want to date and do not want more friends in their life. (They're so popular see, already.) Other people only seem to want to make friends. (They like grazing, or maybe they don't have enough friends.)

Know what you want, and stick to it.

--

General rules:

A) Men, I politely suggest that you do not post photos of your better-looking friend or that photo of you that makes you look ten times fitter than you really are or the photo of you with hair now you are a bald eagle! Women kinda get a bit pissed by this, and your date will not last long.

B) Women I think professionally taken photos of you looking like a B-movie starlet or photos of you reclining on a bed with your bra showing or even photos of you hugging some hunk might, just might, give out the wrong signals.

C) Stick to a set period that you'll do internet dating then pack it in afterwards. 3 months is good. 5 years is very pessimistic indeed and 3 days is bloomin' hopeful indeed!

D) Similarly, I recommend that you only go online dating for about one hour a day. If you don't set a limit like this then you might find that several hours have just passed by. Online dating is worse that channel-flicking on the TV in my humble opinion.

Who Said This?

"I cannot be happy whilst you, someone I care about, are not. I am not responsible for your happiness but it does not seem fair for me to find peace when your life is still shadowed in pain?"

Whoever said it, and I have a strong idea which Idiot it was, they are destined to live a life of struggle, for sure.

"It wasn't your fault," said the adult to the little boy in the photo. "It wasn't your fault."

Wipe the tear from your eye, Mr Idiot. It was not Your fault.

Abby Lee vs "The Married Man"

The Curse of The Married Man

Now I have not been prey to the curse of the married man, but I have heard stories. Me, I always thought that once you got married you put those lascivious tendencies behind you; you stopped trying to bed, bed, bed all before you. But this is not the case at all and I am a hopeless naive who could have married nearly twenty years ago when The Curse of The Single Man raged on in the hormones.

Abby Lee, on the other hand - she of the Girl With A One Track Mind - has had much experience of this creature. She's not impressed! And whilst I sympathise greatly with her (and many women's) predicament - I mean who wants to ward off the advances of a man whilst he is literally holding hands with his wife? - I also don't agree with the underlining sentiment in her blog post.

This is my comment I added to her blog. She may or may not have published it.

Dear Abby,

I was thinking about you, just now, so Googled you and found this post.(I'm writing a 'little something', and you get a mention. :) )

Whilst I sympathise a little with the situation you describe, your 'solution' highlights a 'women and men are different; and what women do is right and men do is wrong' kind of philosophy.

Don't get me wrong, I do not appreciate the excesses of the male gender at all, especially in Britain; in fact, I have a strong 'feminine side', although I like to think of this as a softer 'masculine side'. Still, I get a little fed up at 'male bashing' because, quite simply, they do things differently to 'us women'.

So, men look at the opposite sex; women look too.

The trouble is men do not look with subtlety; women do.

Ergo men are bad; women good.

Whilst I readily admit that 'men being more like women' would solve a lot of the problems of the world, particularly the relationship world, I simply ask this: "why can't women be more like men, instead?" or, more reasonably, "why can't we celebrate the differences between the sexes, rather than moan about them?".

Men and women are different. I say that's a good thing, and I believe you say that too.

Anyway, Abby, a pleasure as always. (No we have not met. I did send you some fan mail a while ago, but you chose to ignore it. So it goes!)

Boring John

PS I've had to rewrite this as it didn't post the first time, so much of the wit of the original comment has gone. (But then I'm a man, and am bound to say that, aren't I. Ho ho.)

PPS I'm not sure if you will post (or comment on) my comment so have taken the liberty to add it to my own 'vent space'. I have, of course, linked to your blog post for reference. Tara.

Is this real...

or am I dreaming?

And if I am dreaming, why is it always with the nightmares?

I Know Someone who wants to moan about a sibling of his. But he can feck off and get his own blog! As for this - it will be updated, I mean corrected, soon!

Now bugger off. I don't feel like talking today!

"A put down..."

"A put down! Won't someone please think of a put down!" (With thanks to The Simpons, as ever!)

(Boy, I'm distracted today. I don't know what's come into me.)

Yes, here are some put downs you can aim at me, or anyone male that you care to think of. Someone I Know received them a long time ago in a land far away, via email; I think they were meant to be jokes.

Actually, these are quite funny -- much better than the usual tosh served up by email jokes. (Haven't you jokes people got something better to do! You know like watching Big Brother or sending out mind-numbing bulletins on Myspace or counting your shoes, even! Tch.)

Anyway, for those of you who don't have anything better to do right now (like me, obviously) here are some classic (and otherwise) put downs.

Give it your best shot, baby!

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Guy: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Girl: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Guy: "Your place or mine?"
Girl: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Guy: "I can see forever in your eyes."
Girl: "But all I can see is never in yours."

Guy: "Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?"
Girl: "Yeah, but this time don't stop!"

Guy: "I want to give myself to you."
Girl: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

He: "Would you like to dance?"
She: "Not with you."
He: "Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did."

(Trust a man to always want the last say, eh! ;-) )

He: "Do you wanna dance?"
She: "Yeah but not with you!"
He: "You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!"

(By 'eck, he's on a roll!)

Me: Do you come here often?
You: [Add your comments below, baby. You know you want to! ;-) ]