Instead, I wanted to pay small homage to Peter Kay's hilarious Garlic Bread sketch. If you heard it or saw it on video, and you're from oop north (of England), then you'll have found it as hilarious as I did.
So, that done, let's get back into character...
"All your Chrismas wishes granted"
"Want to avoid hideous gifts from the in-laws and master the art of enjoying buffets without bingeing?" [It's like she's reading my mind!] "With just 24 days to go, Zest's Christmas fairy will grant your wishes and banish seasonal stress for good"
Okay, first the apologies - Kate Rew from http://www.zest.co.uk/, I'm sorry. But a boy (boring, or otherwise) has got to take his inspiration from somewhere hasn't he!
So, let's begin.
"1: I wish I could feel... more confident at parties"
Me too. But then I never get invited to parties so practising being entertained (rather than practising entertaining) isn't an issue.
I find a larger-than-life haircut, or a loud tie usually works for me. Next.
"2: I wish I could... hide my disappointment when opening an unwanted gift"
Unwanted gift? Are we talking 'something scraped off your shoe', or...? Let's hope that's the worst thing we all have to worry about this Christmas, eh. Next.
"3: I wish I could... look festive without looking like I fell off the tree.
"4: I wish I could... avoid prsent-buying fatigue
"5: I wish I could... keep with the GI programme"
Erm, perhaps now would be a good time to tell you that Zest magazine is a magazine for women. And, clearly, women have a lot to worry about. So why do all the women I've ever talked to hate the thought of being a man. (And - yes that's a pair of brackets (parentheses) - what in the world is <GI>?)
Let's skip a few.
"9: I wish I could... not wallow because I'm single!"
Hallelujah.
Not only that, I wish I could simply not wallow.
So, is being single a problem?
Is being in a long-standing and loving relationship a problem?
I guess it depends on who you ask. I've always found being single an exciting prospect of possibilities, of something new, of change.
But then I remember feeling invigorated, to say the least, when I was made redundant in the early nineties. So maybe I'm not a good person to ask.
Actually, ignore that, if I'm being honest - and I try to be - being single isn't all it's cracked up to be. But it's not that bad, either.
Wallowing? Now that's got to stop.
"10: I wish I could... recapture the excitement I used to feel at Christmas"
Ah, the feeling of a lumpy pillow at the bottom of the bed, heavy with Christmas presents. Snow at Christmas. Eating your Mum's Christmas dinner. Watching The Great Escape for the first time. Do the pleasures of adulthood really compare? Tough act to follow innit! Maybe the secret is to - how did my writing friend (#1) put it - enjoy Christmas *vicariously*!
Christmas is for kids, so have some kids and enjoy!
"13: I wish I could... ask for a present I really want
"14: I wish I could... have sex at the in-laws
"15: I wish I could... relax at parties"
See?
This is what I mean about the angst of adulthood.
Children never have a problem asking subtly (or otherwise) for that must-have gift for Christmas (this year it's the XBOX 360. And not enjoying a party at Christmas? Unheard of.
As for #14, hmm there has to be some compensation for the loss of childhood I guess. Now where is my girlfriend's muffler at?
"18: I wish I could... make a move on the guy at the office party"
I've always thought that business and pleasure shouldn't mix.
So I never really made too much effort to socialise with work colleagues, let alone fraternise with members of the opposite sex.
Surely, this problem is always solved by getting blindingly drunk, and THEN making your move! Then again...
"19: I wish I could... sauce up his Christmas stocking"
I'll send you my address right away, Kate, should this really be a problem!
"21: I wish I could... avoid emotional incontinence"
I'm not too sure what emotional incontincence is, he says cautiously, but it doesn't sound like too much fun.
I agree with Kate on this, take a walk by the sea, alone. The sea always listens, and your problems are never as big afterwards. (Or just break something (over his head!) - whatever works best!)
"22: I wish I could... still be solvent in the new year"
Ouch! Now that's a little too near the nuckle
"23: I wish I could... look like I've worked out more than I have
"24: I wish I could... beat the Boxing Day blues
35: I wish I could...
Stop.
(Consider that wish, if none other, granted!)
Post script.
Grrr, how can it be that hard to write 1000 words!
(#1) The internet is a medium open to all. So I can hardly put the name of said writing friend here can I! Let me identify her with the initials PITA, or more accurately TD.
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