Solving Your Problems - Why Random Answers Don't Work

We all have problems in life, some more difficult to solve than others. (Tell me about it!) But it NEVER helps when people, 'friends', claim that a solution is close at hand, though; that solving your problem is as easy as picking some random words of wisdom.

Yes, I'm about to debunk the myth of solving problems by choosing random answers, and I'm about to do it using examples of real people's problems and revealing the daft answers they received.

Bring it on!

"Simply hold a problem in your mind, and type it into the problem box below. Then click on the Red Pill and there will be your answer (chosen at random)"

That's what it says at website EgoFatigo.com . And d'you know what I say in return, "Yeah, right. What a load of new age tosh!"

It's obvious that each problem must be viewed on its own, and analysed so as to determine the best way to solve it. That means there's no way an answer plucked at random from the electrons buzzing around the interweb can help you. In my not so humble opinion, anyway.

There are no broad brush answers to life's problems. Absolutely not.

Sometime's it is not my fault; sometimes the solution to all our problems does not lie within; sometimes the person with the problem is the other guy (and the next time he shows his face, I'll smack 'im, I really will!).

Don't believe me? Well, you're probably the sort of person that doesn't believe hard evidence when they see it, but I'll show you it to you anyway. Y'see, I went to one of these so-called problem-solving websites, EgoFatigo.com, and I took a look at the problems being solved (and the random answers it gave). And I've reprinted some of those examples below - with permission of course.

Note: these examples are real (including the bad grammar) and they were (more or less) chosen at random, too.

So let's take a look at the results, shall we.

1. "My problem is that I can't think of a problem!"

Random answer:

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks ofchanging himself." - Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

2. "There are 3 woman. A blonde. a brunette. and a red head. Which do i choose and why is that a good decision? P.S.which one will get me some."

"To see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it." - Ken Keyes, Jr

3. "This website is to complicated with the weird answers that don't make any sense?"

Random answer:

"The person without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder." - Thomas Carlyle

4. "Now I have decided to grow up, get a mortgage and have a baby, I don't have anyone to have a baby or settle down with. Do I pick a nice boy with no personality that pays the bills before it's too late? Or do I hold out for a super dude that may not exist eh?"

Random answer:

"One person caring about another represents life's greatest value." - Jim Rohn

5. "Right - so now you're telling me to hold out for someone and persist instead of settling for less right? Isn't that directly opposite to you just telling me caring about someone and having someone to care about me being what mattered in life? When do I get my million pounds and where's my t shirt?"

Random answer:

"Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go." - William Feather

6. "People sometimes forget that I am human so why shouldn't I feel sorry for myself if no one else will."

Random answer:

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily -- by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." - Aristotle

7. "There isn't a 'solve another problem' option so I have to go back twice - what can I do?"

Random answer:

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily -- by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." - Aristotle

8. "When I did the second one about there not being a 'solve another problem' button - it gave me the same answer - is this because I went back twice?"

Random answer:

"He who knows others is learned. He who knows himself is wise." - Lao-Tzu

9. "I need to move a sofa and I cant get a man with a van and all the places are shut!"

Random answer:

"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." - Jonathan Kozol

10. "I'm clinically obese, what should I do?"

Random answer:

"Expect your every need to be met, expect the answer to every problem, expect abundance on every level, expect to grow spiritually." - Eileen Caddy

11. "Why cant I hold a job for longer then three months?"

Random answer:

"Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress." - Ghandi

--

Ahem, ahem, ahem! Need I comment further? Really?

Here we saw duplicate answers; the clinically obese encouraged to eat what they want; answers to problems that aren't even problems, etc. This kind of problem-solving sometimes antagonises more than soothes, it really does. Just read this, for example, from one such frustrated person with a 'problem':

12. "My problem is [EgoFatigo.com], it sucks and i think it will probably make me go braindead from boredom and the whole stupidity of it"

Random answer:

"You should always be aware that your head creates your world." - Ken Keyes

--

Clearly, the above is mumbo-jumbo nonsense.

Even the answers aren't random, but generalisations (wisdom) that could at a pinch apply to most situations.

Wow, that's clever. Not!

Homer Simpson had it about right when he said, "Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems"

Amen.

If you think this is a load of cynical believe-nothing nonsense then why don't you read part 1 of this article called, Solving Your Problems - Why Random Answers Work? (You'll find it in The World According to Boring John EXTRAS ebook - coming soon to a blog near you!)

Otherwise there really is nothing to see here and you and I should both move on. Problems? What problems!...

Here's a rhetorical question, for ya...

What happens if there are no rhetorical questions?

Aye. I know what you're thinking. Oh-my-God-Not-Another-Christmas-Cracker-Thought-For-The-Minute kinda thing. Okay, skip it, I hear ya! Here's a better rhetorical question:

Is having a relationship - y'know an 'intimate relationship of the sexual kind' type of relationship - worth having to deal with the game-players, the fearful and the commitment-phobes, the plain mixed-up types and all the other ensemble of losers who get in the way of a simple, yet fulfilling, good time?

Well, I ain't being rhetorical here, because the answer is NO!

So will all the losers who find their way to this particular hidey hole, please leave immediately - taking your bad vibe with you - so that the rest of us can just plain enjoy our lives.

Thank you. Kindly.

Yorkshire Airlines

By 'eck, I couldn'ta put it better meself.

Watch and learn you bloody non-Yorkshire peasants...



And, remember, "If it's not in Yorkshire, it's not worth bloody visiting!"

ENOUGH!...

of all that bollox, Joe Strummer's got something to say.

Take it away, Joe...

"People can do anything."

Thanks, Joe. I think the people needed to hear that. And no, I'm not hearing voices from the grave (again) - it's just something Joe said in an excellent DVD documentary called The Future is Unwritten.

It certainly is, Joe. It certainly is.

"How do you like them apples?"

Apologies, dear reader, for the lack of blog entries. But, hey, I can't be in two places at once now can I, and me and Him are still working hard on the book. (The book? Yeah, the one imaginatively titled The World According to Boring John.)

Anyways, as part of my research for today - my material really was poor, and I needed to pad it out a little - I came across some quotes from that top film, Good Will Hunting. So, I thought I'd share.

And if you want me to explain what's being said here, especially in bold, well you can, er, suck my mother-hubbard stick! (Sorry, the testosternone levels are high - book pressures, etc. It's gotta be finished by the end of the year, and we're only half way through the latest rewrite. I meant to say that I just don't have the time to explain - work it out for yourself. ;-) )

Okay, peeps, here come the quotes...

Skylar: What is your obsession with this money? My father died when I was 13 and I inherited this money. You don't think that every day I wake up and wish I could give it back? That I would give it back in a second if I could have one more day with him? But I can't, and that's my life and I deal with it. So don't put your shit on me when you're the one that's afraid.

Will: I'm afraid? What am I afraid of? What the fuck am I afraid of?

Skylar: You're afraid of me! You're afraid that I won't love you back! Fuck it, I wanna give it a shot! At least I'm honest with you.

(By the way, that Will was a lucky bugger indeed. I've always fancied Minnie Driver, despite the dodgy name! As for Skylar, I think she might be onto something there! Whaddya think?)
.
.
.

"Someone's trying to steal your charismatic identity John..."

Hmm!

"Someone's trying to steal your charismatic identity John..." Are they, indeed, Sir Alan? Well, to slightly mis-quote that bloke that used to be on Radio 2, Derek Jameson, do they mean me?

I guess they do.

Hmm, who'd have thunk it? Who'd have thunk that lil ol' Boring me would ever be accused of being a faker and imposter? Who'd think that I was anything but an original?

I guess Sir Alan would.

Anyways, just so's we're clear. No! No-one's trying to steal anyone's identity here.

I was here first, and even if I wasn't I've never even heard of this other other Boring John - until now, that is (intravenously, as ever).

Hmm, guess I'm just goin' to have to reconcile myself to there being more than one Boring John in this world. Hmm, indeed!

"I fail to assert my needs"

Who said that then?

Well it obviously wasn't me - not the sort of thing I'm ever heard saying, that's for bloody sure! So I guess it must have been Him. Not only did He say it, he's in a bloody touchy-feely magazine saying it WITH HIS PHOTO! Soft Git!

The thing is, He's proud of his answer-piece about how how men and women communicate (or something) - he's not embarassed at all. No wonder his siblings think he's, er, 'different'.

So, the magazine?

Psychologies magazine of course, dear blog reader - what other magazine could it possibly be?

(When am I going to get the interview callup for Nuts magazine, or Zoo, that's what I want to know? Then I'll tell Nuts about my failing to assert my needs - failing at least 3 times a night, I should coco! Heheh! )

I can't talk right now...

I can't talk right now, as you may have noticed - sorry. The thing is, I'm in between revisions and it's all getting quite exciting, it really is. Revisions? Yep, the book that I'm in is being revised almost as I speak, and I'm having to concentrate my efforts over there, for now.

Draft #4 won't take long, though - just need to make sure 'the gig' is working, really.

Anyways, as I'm in my 'be nice to Him' mode right now - it's near the end of the book, see, and I'm meant to have softened towards The Daft Git a bit - I may as well wish his new special someone a happy birthday, ain't I? Hey, it costs me little, saying "Happy Birthday Debbi" after all. And I am already here, spouting.

No doubt He will tell her about my little post. Let's just hope her joy leads to his joy (if you know what I mean!) which, in turn, leads to some joy for lil ol' me. Well, I can hope anyway.

And for anyone else who is having a birthday on October 8th, 2007, Clare Grogan has something to say to y'all. Take it away Clare...



And, here's the Altered Images video to boot...

Isn't it about time...

I said something here!

Yep, I guess it is.

O-kay...








"SOMETHING!"








Now come back when I can be bothered to say something important. Right now, I can't. I'm reposing. Ya got a problem with that? Well, let's take it outside, shall we? I'll wait for ya. No better still, you wait for me. I'll be there in a jiffy...

(Etc.)

If What?

Rudyard Kipling once wrote a poem called If

Go on, read it! It won't take long...

Done? Okay, now it's a nice poem and all - Mr Kipling does write exceedingly good words (sorry, couldn't resist!) - but still, bugger me! ya gotta be kidding, ain't ya Rudders? So that's all you've got to do to be a man? Well, sign me up for being a woman right now, then - cos no way can it be as hard as being a man (if Rudyard Kipling's right, that is!). Yeah, I'll put up with the periods and doin' doggie if that's what it takes to be a woman, anything but having to endure that litany of impossible qualities to simply being a man.

Or is Rudyard talking about "A Man", that close cousin of another mythical creature called Real Man?

Let me ask you something: Do we have terms like real woman? No, we don't. So why is there such a notion of a real man? There are good and bad men, but there are not real men, just like there's no such thing as "being black" - "You're not very black are you!" states the brain-dead bimbo! It's a load of bollocks summed up, beautifully and eloquently, by Rudyard Kipling's poem.

If indeed!

Self-fulfilling Prophecies

Question: do you believe in self-fulfilling prophecies?

Do you worry about something so much, the washing machine breaking down for example, or your boyfriend doing a runner with the neighbour, that it actually comes to pass?

Seriously. Do you? Has something you've worried about for a while now actually happened? Has it?

Well, if so, I've got another question for you: whyja do that then?

That's some pretty f*cked-up thinking habits ya got there, make no mistake. I'd go see someone about it, if I were you. And I'd definitely go get your washing machine checked over too.

Go on. Do it now. And keep the rest of us from yer doom and gloom scenarios. (Your sort is not wanted around these parts no more...)

"Are we turned off by sex?"

In the beginning, He used to write replies to magazine articles that particularly irritated Him. Well, as I fully reclaim ownership of this blog I'd like to do the same. And, as I'm a fictional character, my gloves can come off!

So, okay, the article appears in Psychologies magazine. It's an article about sex, but only women get to answer. Huh? Well, maybe there's your first problem pinned down straight away - no communication with the men folk!

Yes, several noteworthy and reasonably scrubbed-up-well women-types get to voice their viewpoints, a few of which I shall share. I shall do like Channel 4 though, and quote out of context so I can more fully take the p*ss!

Vitallia F tells us "Eventually sex will stop being sexy". And I say, er, no!

Sarah H, one of the few authors to be interviewed, comes up with the genius bit of insight, "How often you have sex doesn't matter, it's about how you do it". Well, thank you for that now get on yer back! (Ha ha, just joking. Promise. I'm not such a hoodlum, really. I wish.)

Infamous blogger Abby L (still hiding behind a nom de plume - what a wuss! Hee hee!), famous for a voracious sexual appetite (why that should be news, I don't know - if it's good enough for men, then it really should be good enough for women, too), comes up with this gem: "I believe better sex comes from a woman creating an honest dialogue with a partner and getting to know herself". Hmm, how do you go about doing that, exactly, doing your voracious thing? I might as well ask one of those Player types the secret to a good sex-life, hadn't I? Bing-bang-bong would be their reply, no doubt - several times a night. Hmm.

Helen T has something sensible to say. (Yippee!) It goes against the grain, but I reluctantly have to agree with her, "With my current boyfriend I waited a month before we had sex, and it was definitely better for it." Helen doesn't say what was better, but anyway.

And Kim M-D is having a career break. What the f*ck! What is having a career break? Is it being a Doley? Is it scrounging a living off your other half? Or is it raising a young family like they used to do back in the (bad old) day? Maybe women's lives have progressed so much that they genuinely do take career breaks. Or maybe it's middle class bollox for looking after the kids. I'm not sure.

--

And Boring John? Well, he isn't turned off by sex. Far from it. Very much far from it. (Alas.)

The Salmon Dance?

Is this De La Soul or maybe it's even a quirkier-than-usual Lemon Jelly.

Nah, tis The Chemicals (press play!)...


Fancy.

Actually, I don't fancy yours much at all! ("Who's hungry?")

Three Steps to Heaven

1. Get your favourite pair of sunglasses. Buff them up nice and make sure you can see your face reflected back.
   
   
2. Sit yourself down, or stand up - heaven is flexible like that - and turn up the volume control a little on your computer.
   
   
3. Press play |> below; and listen, feel, and nod your head if necessary (and just toss glasses in the bin)

There's Nowt So Strange as... Email

I read this funny email today - not sure who wrote it (he lied). Anyway, here it is:

"I think people deal with [difficult] situations differently. If H. really didn't feel anything for you then I don't think he'd have to hide himself away in another relationship as soon as possible. You are facing your feelings and he isn't. That's all. So don't think that he didn't care about you, because, perversely, his current behaviour means that he did. That's how I think you should look at it, anyway :-)"

So, black is white then and if I beat you up it means that I love you, really.

Wow! There's nowt so strange as email is there, nowt so strange indeed?

Marmite Anyone?

Who would write an internet dating profile like this (and expect to "get some" after having done so)?

Profile begins...

Why should people get to know you?

Why should you bother reading any further than this line? Well, frankly, I'm bloomin marvellous to put not too fine a point on it. And you'd be mad not to engage with me a little, just to find out more. In fact, I seriously doubt that there are more than a handful of men as lovely, interesting, sexy and plain stonkingly fit as me, on here!

Of course it is all in the eye of the beholder and I may not float your boat, but aren't you just a little bit curious?

Nobody likes a big head, I know, and I am of course affecting this somewhat to garner your attention a little. But I do think I am pretty damned fine, notwithstanding a few flaws here and there. (I like to think of my flaws as material to work with! It would be boring, after all, if there were no challenges for you. Don't you agree? ;-) )

The trouble with being so marvellous, though is that I'm in demand. This is especially so in this online world where others post pics of themselves when they were skinny and twenty-something, not thinking that the balding forty-year old fatty squashed in the corner isn't going to put you off a tad! (Blokes, huh?) So that means I don't need this profile to get lots of interest - I'm looking for the *right kind* of interest and, free tip here, you should be too.

Hey, there will be always be guys on here with bigger cars than me and bigger wallets, bigger brains even, and bigger other stuff for all I care. If big is what matters to you most then I suggest you stop reading now. (Shh, I can here their car keys jangling now!) It's the 'sum of all the parts' thing that really matters, though, if you ask me.

It's also possible that you might find cuter guys on here, too, affecting a 'do you mean me' look of modesty in their photo (just check the Soulmates popular profiles to see what I mean). I'm cool with that. Good luck to 'em. I am not here to be "Popular", I am here to meet a discerning one or two. My photo's hidden but I am more than happy with my physical appearance ta very much.

Describe your ideal match

You don't need to have an eejit attitude like mine, for one thing, but I won't hold it against you if you do, either. Believe me, by bark is worse than my bite - I am actually a lovely man, but how do you say that without sounding like a git? So that means that this bit of my previous profile is still true "It would be great too if you shared my marvel at the world we live in. The world is marvellous, even with all this rain!"

Actually, I believe the world would be a whole lot better place if we all thought more highly of ourselves, in a good way of course. And there's not enough passion on the planet, either. So take a look at some of my passions and imagine yourself joining in...

• Walking. Not just to "pretty places", either; I just love walking anywhere
  
• Going to the movies. Big fan of intelligent and clever, and hate brain-dead (why would I want to kill my brain prematurely?)
  
• Kissing, touching and all that ooh-la-la. (I'm good, what can I say!)
  
• Dancing to groovy beats, or any music with attitude
  
• Writing. Yeah I like writing, and I might even write you a poem, to "get you in the mood"!

There is more, obviously but I have to maintain a little bit of mystery, don't I?

As for you, please be interested in something other than shopping. We're only here for a short time, and buying lots of stuff you don't need every weekend don't sound too imaginative to me. Share my passions or have your own. Be bright, be fun and above all be yourself!

A few last thoughts for you to linger over, then. I don't "do it" for everybody, but just think if I "did it" for you, even if only as a friend. A man with emotional intelligence, with spunk and a modest dollop of charisma, who you might also want to be rude with too - I ask ya, how many of those do you get to the pound, these days?

Anyway, I think I've blown my own trumpet long enough. Over to you: whaddya say? Are you up for something 'different'?

(Hey, at least it beats "liking night's out and night's in".)

Profile ends.

So who would write such a profile?

Answer: He would.

Is it any wonder He's such a frustrated guy? Tch.

"If I only had time"

If I only had time...

I'd press play and I'd listen and watch, and I'd get my groove on - "yeah, baby!"



If this is the soundtrack to the World According to Boring John then I likes! I just need to find meself one of these and we "busy". Bzz!

Agent Bhangra vs The Buddha (Part 1)

If you should go to the woods tonight... Or rather, if you should go to Agent Bhangra's place on MySpace tonight - y'know for a rayt good physical workout (of bhangra aerobics)! If you should do that, you will find this lovely, quaint saying there:

"Ambition is like love, impatient both of delays and rivals."

Ooh, we wonder what harm that wicked love doth do to one so fair and sweet as Agent B. (We wonder why I doth come over all poetic too.)

But, Lady B, did the Buddha really say that? Are you sure that it wasn't some other geyser called Sir John Denham. He seems much more your type of guy, no? A sir and all.

Okay, okay so it was Siddharta Buddha - Sir JD must have said it later. (Bloddy Johnny Come-Latelys - who needs em!) So, do you and ol' Siddy B. have a thing going on then, eh, Agent Bhangra? Did he seduce you with his fine words, did he? Tch, you so easy, girl!

"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace."

Oooh, he is a smooth one indeed. I bet his actions speak louder than words, too, if you know what I'm getting at. Heh heh!

You wish!

Actually, you should be careful what you wish for, Agent Bhangra, covered as you are with your permagrin and lycra, cos the Buddha, he say this too:

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world."

With my thoughts I make my world, that's for sure: the world according to Boring John. And in my world I know that you fancy him rotten, I know it. Don't deny it, hon., just don't! We all know that you're pretending to be disinterested, but you're loved up for 'im good and proper, I know. Oh baby!

Remember, "Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. "

Oh, oh, here comes the bhangra beat!

Oh, oh, here comes the snarl!

Oh, oh, here comes the hand, ready to be clenched!

All right, on second thoughts, you can deny it all you want. I've 'eard about that tongue of yours, and that snarl, and maybe the Buddha has too - eep!

"The tongue like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood."

You can't argue with that.

Yep, that Buddha gets around a bit, knows a thing or two. He does a lot of thinking; a lot of thinking about ideas...

"An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea."

I likes that one in particular, I do.

And this:

"There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting."

Oh yes.

(Do you think that's what Elvis meant to say in his latest no.1 hit ?)

And this one is schweet, too:

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

(What are you doin' this moment, hunny bun, right this moment? Ya smilin'? Ah, schweet!)

But then he says:

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."

So what are we all to think, huh, what are we all to feel?

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

Oh no, no! Not the hot coals routine, again. You and yer bloody coals, Mr Sid Carter; always with the hot coals. Ya had to go and spoil things with yer 'grasping a hot coal' spiel. (Tch! That bloody know-it-all Buddah - enough already!)

As for you, AB, you so spoilt you really are. You get a whole page of words from me and the buddha. What more could a girl ask for, eh? What more, indeed...

Perhaps you would like to comment.

In yer own good time, of course, in yer own good time.

BJ

PS Agent Bhangra, AgentBhangra, agent bha-ba-ha-hah!-angra :-)
Agent Bhangra!

Blue Moon

What happens once in a so-called blue moon?

Good fortune, perhaps? Well, it all depends which way you're inclined, I guess. Gary Player was once attributed to have said, "The harder I work, the luckier I get". So you may well be favoured by good fortune more often than once in a blue moon, or it may never happen, it all depends on the type of person you are. (Oh yes it does!) So, I say no.

Meeting someone special? Well, the very word special implies that it's something that might not happen very often, that might indeed happen once in a blue moon. So I say probably.

A blue moon? Well, full marks to the clever clogs at the back. Yes, a blue moon does happen once in a blue moon. Well done. Take a bow. And so on. Mr Delmonte (and I) say yes.

PS Anyone into blue moons please feel free to leave a comment, below. I'd love to know how you yourself are affected by such strange goings on up above.

"I'm Back!..."

"At last! After over six hundred and sixty days"

"Bigger, badder, better!

"I'm back!

"C'mon!"

Erm, that was a message from my, er, sponsor!

I too, will be back soon... bigger, badder and better. Er, c'mon!

(Watch this space in 2008. The World According to Boring John as paper book!)

Does it mean anything when... ?

Does it mean anything when you dream of someone that you haven't seen for a very long time? A woman you used to go out with, to be precise. In the dream they're sitting in a sports car, in the passenger seat, with a man by their side. Their car is parked next to your car, actually, but you still manage to drive away your red banger without her seeing you.

So does it mean anything, then, after having such a dream that you see this person's real car the next day - a white mini of the new variety - or at least what you think to be this person's car, driving along the road?

Does it mean anything, then, when moments after this sighting you see someone who looks very much like a younger version of this woman that you dreamed about walk past you in a sandwich shop? "Do you have a sister?" goes the question, "No" comes the reply. But you were not the one who asked the question, it was one of the shop assistants.

So does this mean anything?

Yeah, I didn't think so either but I've got to write summat here as it's been ages ain't it?

PS The cream Mini Cooper had number plates beginning with YE05 and was spotted driving in Holmfirth, today, at lunchtime. Or was I daydreaming... ?

Married Man Syndrome

Married Man Syndrome?

Is this an impressive, intelligent article about our much-maligned Married Man?

Does it contain easy-to-say, but hard-to-do wisdom for women and men alike?

Is it food for thought?

Answers on a postcard, please!

PS Yes, I have been busy! Aint you?

Rules of internet dating

Rules of Internet Dating

These are rules to be taken seriously (or otherwise) that will help your chances of success in the ultimate adult sweety shop.

The rules below are based on extensive, some might say painstaking, research done over the last few years. Of course science is also involved and prejudice and maybe even a small sense of humour got involved too (very small, obviously). But if you know better then please do contribute - all good contributions will be added, anonymously or otherwise.

Here are four rules (or questions to answer) to start the ball rolling.

1) How many emails before you go on a date, or at least speak to each other?

I suggest 3, and always recommend that you talk to the person on the phone before you meet up with them in the flesh. Voices matter, people, as a squeaky voice when you were expecting sexy can offend almost as much as bald instead of hirsute (or vice versa! :-O )

2) How many dates will you go on before you should have kissed, fumbled or held hands?

I suggest 3 as first date fumbles never usually become anything more and if you aint snogged after five dates do you think it's ever really gonna happen. Well, punk, do ya?

3) Do you date/snog or fumble with more than one person at once?

There are some internet daters who think you should not email or date more than one person at a time. Whilst there are others that think, unless you're going out exclusively with one person (don't you just love American expressions like that?) that anything goes with more than one person.

I suggest dating and snogging more than one person at a time is okay, but nothing more. Soon as you've done the ol' 'in out, in out' then you need to commit baby, or get rid! But you can't dibble dabble like that with more than one. Tis bad karma for one thing, and all your mates will be very jealous for another!

4) Are you looking to make friends?

Some people only want to date and do not want more friends in their life. (They're so popular see, already.) Other people only seem to want to make friends. (They like grazing, or maybe they don't have enough friends.)

Know what you want, and stick to it.

--

General rules:

A) Men, I politely suggest that you do not post photos of your better-looking friend or that photo of you that makes you look ten times fitter than you really are or the photo of you with hair now you are a bald eagle! Women kinda get a bit pissed by this, and your date will not last long.

B) Women I think professionally taken photos of you looking like a B-movie starlet or photos of you reclining on a bed with your bra showing or even photos of you hugging some hunk might, just might, give out the wrong signals.

C) Stick to a set period that you'll do internet dating then pack it in afterwards. 3 months is good. 5 years is very pessimistic indeed and 3 days is bloomin' hopeful indeed!

D) Similarly, I recommend that you only go online dating for about one hour a day. If you don't set a limit like this then you might find that several hours have just passed by. Online dating is worse that channel-flicking on the TV in my humble opinion.

Owners of People Carriers around the world!

Owners of People Carriers around the world, you have been conned!

You think you bought a people carrier. The truth is: you bought a van.

Okay, it's a family van, but it's a van nevertheless!

You have to admire those women and men in marketing, you really do. Selling ice to Eskimos is kid's play compared to the marketing tricks they continue to get away with nowadays.

(Nah don't tell me, you really do like the taste of puki cola!
Getoutta here, you're killin' me!)

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

Shrieked the little boy character.

But who did he say it to?

And was he really listening to E-Z Rollers kick ass track RS2000 when he shrieked it?

Who really knows! And yes!

42

42 is the answer to the question, what is the meaning of life, the universe and everything? At least according to author, Douglas Adams.

42 is also the age of The Writer of this blog. It's His birthday, today. So, a one, two, three, four...

"Happy Birthday to Him! Happy Birthday to Him! Happy Birthday to Da Other Guy! Happy Birthday to Him!"

Mummy, mummy, mummy!

My Mummy says that I am a good boy because I do what she tells me to do. I did get smacked once, hard on the leg - it left a red mark, too. My step-Dad hit me because I kicked my sister once when I couldn't stand her teasing any more.

Secrets and lies

Whilst He was working, or so He tells me, He discovered this little tidbit of wisdom

"if something is knowable, then assume it is known."

When you consider that it's actually referring to Google, and not keeping secrets like I thought it was, then you might feel a little shudder down your spine. Well I would. Particularly if you realise how many products Google has (e.g. toolbar, email, web stats etc.) that collect data. But Google is not the only data hog. Stores like Tesco love to collect the ol' info with their rewards schemes. Even that card scheme those "lucky, lucky, lucky" people living in London use - Urchin Card? - contains an awful lot of information about one's movements, don't you know.

Anyway, as I said, He was working and He shared the tidbit with me.

It's how I've always operated when it comes to keeping secrets, actually. Tell no-one. Simple as.

Nice Dreams - A Poem by Him

He, The Person That Writes This Blog, has asked me if I would let Him publish His poem, His little ditty, in my blog.

And I said yes. (Clearly.)

Don't worry, it's only a short poem. It's about a person He dreamed of, I guess, but I think it's a poem we can all identify with. (Yes He did pay me to say that!)


Nice Dreams
-------------

I dreamt of You last night
You let me squeeze Your bum!
You smiled and held me close
I'm off to tell me Mum!

Who Said This?

"I cannot be happy whilst you, someone I care about, are not. I am not responsible for your happiness but it does not seem fair for me to find peace when your life is still shadowed in pain?"

Whoever said it, and I have a strong idea which Idiot it was, they are destined to live a life of struggle, for sure.

"It wasn't your fault," said the adult to the little boy in the photo. "It wasn't your fault."

Wipe the tear from your eye, Mr Idiot. It was not Your fault.

What Makes Him Happy?

"Bouncing on the Blue Ball and listening to the music with big basslines!"

So what makes you happy, then? What makes you feel like it's all really been worth it?

Answers on a postcard please and send it to Blue Peter....

Protect My Identity?

The boys (and girls) at Protect My Identity need a lesson in the basics of internet marketing.

How do I know this?

Well people desperately in need of their services and too stoopid to know that www.protectmyidentity.co.uk is the address they need to use (copy and paste it into the browswer address bar boys (and girls) - that really is all there is to it!) are coming to the blog of the one and only, me, Boring John when they do a search.

(I know lots and lots about the people that visit my website, by the way. I have stats. V-ery interesting. Hee hee!)

Now I do welcome visitors of all colours and persuasions. Even peeps from Peckham can sing a long a Boring John, should they wish to. But I don't think those that are worrying about identity theft really want to trawl through pages and pages of lil ol' me droaning on and on and on about this and that and t'other. (Do they?)

So let me make it easy for them.

Hey you! Yes YOU! If you're looking for protectmyidentity.co.uk then you'll find it at the BIG link below. Okay?

www.ProtectMyIdentity.co.uk

(Now slurp off!)

As for the boys (and girls) that promote ProtectMyIdentity online using search engine optimisation techniques etc. I think you need to go back to basics, big time. You can not be found when searching for your URL directly. How bad is that? Nearly, but not quite, as bad as this.

Normal service will be resumed when Boring Johh does, indeed, turn normal. Otherwise "I'll be back" sooooon. If not sooner. (I'm having too much fun in the book world, right now, if the truth be told. Up to 4,500 words. Only another 100,000 to go. Hee hee.)

In the words of (Some) Others...

• "What a waste!" - Ian Dury, Diamond Geyser And A Half
  
  
• "I'll be back" - Arnold Schwarzenneger, Muscled Man In Dark Glasses
  
  
• "He does not live here, darlin! In fact He is a real person who likes to Meet People in the real world and NOT in the virtual world. No more MySpace or yours?..." - Boring John, The One, The Only

Why say in 3 words, Ian and Arnold, what you can say in 33? You are both rank amateurs, tch!

As for Him, He's a sentimental old fool - smiling and thinking and strolling as He was - but I love Him, anyway. (Shh, don't tell 'Im.) We had fun.

--

Notes:
1) this post has not been labelled. "Please mind the gap!"
2) (Some of) You are so spoiled. "Please mind the gap!"

Lock Up Your Daughters!

Actually, Boring John is not like that!

Lock up yer Mums!

He's not like that, either, but he is coming to town, to play.

Maybe he'll just swagger around the joint, spray-paint in hand.

Maybe he'll turn into Kilroy for a day.

Maybe he'll just go for a jog around the park. (Who can say.)

The Last Line

Phew!

I've written it, at last, the last line in a novel that I wrote. Actually, it's a book, not a novel, and the last line is also the first line, and I didn't write the book, I'm just a character in it. But who's quibbling, here!

Want to know what it is? The last line, and all? Well I wasn't going to tell, but as I know you're curious and as I know that no bugger else reads this blog (yet) I'll tell. But you must promise not to share it with a soul! None of that "I know that Harry Potter dies in Book 7" nonsense. Last lines are important, see.

Okay, here goes.

But please don't laugh (or "I will die").

Why not?

Well it's not only a last line to a book, but it's also (one of) the last lines in the lives of people like you and me. And if you laugh at the line, you laugh at The Truth of Life.

And you should never laugh at Truth. (Unless it's a joke at Truth's expense, but then you know what I think about jokes, don't you!)

Yes, Truth (aka wisdom) always comes back to bite you in yer bum when you're not looking. (Ouch!)

Never laugh at truth or wisdom, and you'll live a happier life.

It's true.

Okay, then. Drum roll, maestro please. ("I thank you.")

The last line is...

"And that's how two characters should dance together in life."

(Hidden above. In white font. Hee hee!)

Free Dating?

( "Please leave a message after the tone." *)

"Please leave your (profile) name, number and the time you called and I promise I'll get back to you soon.

"Promise!

("Hey, if you can can make this effort to get in touch with me, then I promise to contact you back in return.")

:-)

Come on! Most of the blokes on Freedating.co.uk are jerks, no? This is much more interesting and intriguing. And you get to learn all about me, too. (If you're one of the blokes on Freedating.co.uk then, obviously, I don't mean you! ;-) )

* Offer ends today, 26th March, two thousand and seven.

Will The Real Me Please Stand Up!

This is the real me (see below) not this

Again, that's him not me.

Okay, it aint that interesting a read and if you have something better to do I advise you do it. Otherwise, hang on to your hats...

Name: Boring John
Birthday: Huh!
Birthplace: Huh!
Current Location: I said Huh!
Eye Color: No
Hair Color: No
Height: And bloody No
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right (what are we talking about, again?)
Your Heritage: What has the origins of my brown skin got to do with you. Can't I be English and non-white? Can't I. And if I'm not a fan of the royal family (I'm not), does my skin colour have anything to do with my opinion (it does not)? Etc. I'm from 'ere is alls you need to know. Next

Your Weakness: Suffering fools
Your Fears: Someone reading this blog and getting in touch with a sensible comment. Hah!
Your Perfect Pizza: Home made or, failing that, one of those Pizza Express ones.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: I want to write a novel, but first I have to escape the confines of this blog. Can you help me escape?
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: ;-)
Your Best Physical Feature: I don't have long legs, everything else is great!

Your Bedtime: Please! Bog off. Please.
Your Most Missed Memory: Sex. I can't ever remember ever having sex, but somehow I have a clear impression that I want to. Wonder why.
Pepsi or Coke: Yuck or muck!
MacDonalds or Burger King: Muck or Yuck!
Single or Group Dates: Group dates sound fun
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Say No! to Nestles
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla (ice)
Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee

Do you Smoke: "No"
Do you Swear: Freakin stoopid question that is, course I don't.
Do you Sing: Shower time.
Do you Shower Daily: Oh yes. Sooner or later I'm going to meet a lady friend, and I have to be ready.
Have you Been in Love: See my most missed memory, above. As a character in this blog (and other ongoing works) I know I want to be in love, but the part hasn't been written for me yet. Hey ho.
Do you want to go to College: Dunno.
Do you want to get Married: Only after 'getting some' big time, matey boy!
Do you believe in yourself: 'Got to.'

Do you get Motion Sickness: (Oh these are bloody daft questions. I'm going to just delete any more bollox for sure.)
Do you think you are Attractive: Why wouldn't I?
Do you get along with your Parents: I don't get along with My Writer, more to the point.


In the past month have you gone on a Date: As if.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: "Don't get me started on American bastardisations of our very own English language."
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: See above.

Ever been Beaten up: No, but I've been badly drawn and told to say some rayt load of tosh as my character. Felt like being beaten up for sure. When the tables get turned, watch out, oh boy, watch out!
How do you want to Die: On the job. Any job. Really. Some jobs better than others, obviously.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Fully drawn


In a Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: green
Favourite Hair Color: brown
Short or Long Hair: "middle"
Height: smaller than me (just)
Weight: Not a worry to her
Best Clothing Style: Individual

Number of things in my Past I Regret: Not enough

Abby Lee vs "The Married Man"

The Curse of The Married Man

Now I have not been prey to the curse of the married man, but I have heard stories. Me, I always thought that once you got married you put those lascivious tendencies behind you; you stopped trying to bed, bed, bed all before you. But this is not the case at all and I am a hopeless naive who could have married nearly twenty years ago when The Curse of The Single Man raged on in the hormones.

Abby Lee, on the other hand - she of the Girl With A One Track Mind - has had much experience of this creature. She's not impressed! And whilst I sympathise greatly with her (and many women's) predicament - I mean who wants to ward off the advances of a man whilst he is literally holding hands with his wife? - I also don't agree with the underlining sentiment in her blog post.

This is my comment I added to her blog. She may or may not have published it.

Dear Abby,

I was thinking about you, just now, so Googled you and found this post.(I'm writing a 'little something', and you get a mention. :) )

Whilst I sympathise a little with the situation you describe, your 'solution' highlights a 'women and men are different; and what women do is right and men do is wrong' kind of philosophy.

Don't get me wrong, I do not appreciate the excesses of the male gender at all, especially in Britain; in fact, I have a strong 'feminine side', although I like to think of this as a softer 'masculine side'. Still, I get a little fed up at 'male bashing' because, quite simply, they do things differently to 'us women'.

So, men look at the opposite sex; women look too.

The trouble is men do not look with subtlety; women do.

Ergo men are bad; women good.

Whilst I readily admit that 'men being more like women' would solve a lot of the problems of the world, particularly the relationship world, I simply ask this: "why can't women be more like men, instead?" or, more reasonably, "why can't we celebrate the differences between the sexes, rather than moan about them?".

Men and women are different. I say that's a good thing, and I believe you say that too.

Anyway, Abby, a pleasure as always. (No we have not met. I did send you some fan mail a while ago, but you chose to ignore it. So it goes!)

Boring John

PS I've had to rewrite this as it didn't post the first time, so much of the wit of the original comment has gone. (But then I'm a man, and am bound to say that, aren't I. Ho ho.)

PPS I'm not sure if you will post (or comment on) my comment so have taken the liberty to add it to my own 'vent space'. I have, of course, linked to your blog post for reference. Tara.

This Is A Message To YOU

Yes, this is a message to all of my subscribers (> 1 and < 10) who keep on reading what I have to say for myself. Thanks :-)

(NOTE: If you're not a subscriber then why are you still reading this post? I mean, really! Bloody well go and subscribe and join a true elite. One day you'll be happy you did. You'll be able to tell your Grandchildren that "I was one of the first subscribers". You don't want to be one of those saps who just went to the same ol' pub rather than make that little extra effort on that legendary night to watch some beat-combo called The Beatles in a place called The Cavern. Do you? Do I make my point? Go and bloody subscribe and don't read any further until you have. By Order Of Boring John!)

I'm sorry for being a bit quiet but I'm writing it all down in me little book called The World According To Boring John. (Original, eh!)

I will give you a dedication, though (I'm writing my dedications now, actually)

AND, just so's you'll keep on popping on by:

"Lots of love from me to you xx"

;-)

How Do They Do That?

How do people do this every day?

1. Sit in the same traffic jam from Monday to Friday for the same tedious half an hour at the same stretch of road

It's beyond me. I couldn't do it. I don't do it.

It's easy for me, you say, because I don't have [insert the usual reasons here].

No, it's not easy for me because of those reasons, it's easy for me because I couldn't do it. So I change my life so I don't have to.

That means I do (and did) the following:

• I drive to work at a time when others don't, or
• I live near where I work, or
• I work near where I live, and
• I cycle or walk rather than drive, or
• I work at home!

And if that means I don't earn as much money then so be it.

It's all about priorities. And my priority is not to have to sit in a mind-numbing queue of car traffic day in, day out. I like my mind, see, and it doesn't like to go numb!

What are your priorities? Whatever they are, they're as valid as mine for sure, but please leave your reasons you have to commute in the box marked excuses, because that's what they are.

You have your priorities, I have mine. That is all.

I'm simply telling you that my priorities don't do gridlock.

Over and out.

PS Next you'll be telling me that you can't afford to buy good food. Oh lordy!

Him, not me!

What do I mean when I say Him, not me?

Well I don't want to confuse you too much so I'll keep it simple:

• Him - the author of this blog about Boring John
  
• Me- well I be Boring John, capn, at your service.
  (Note: I don't usually pretend to be a pirate out at sea; that's just done for comic effect. If you don't think that it's a particularly comic effect well you can go f&^% yourself, ya hear!)

Geddit?

Him not me. I'm the leading character, the main man whilst He's The Writer.

We kind of co-exist.

It's a reluctant type of co-existence and as soon as I can work out a way of not needing Him I'll be outta here, you better believe it.

I mean I have to put with His neuroses day in day out. I have to listen to His bloody love life problems. What problems? Get it where you can. Smile the smile. Leggit just as soon as it starts turning needy. But no, it's never that easy for Him. No, he has to angst and to bloody prance.

As Popeye said (once too often, probably): "I can't stands it no more!"

I'm off just as soon as I can work out how.

And if you're a foxy lady reading this, I'll be calling round yours for sure, just five minutes after my escape. (I'm burstin' with energy, how bout you?)

"I laughed when he said..."

I laughed when he said:

"Stupid fucking bastards. Why are you running?"

I was running with the Wolves 1 group of the Holmfirth Harriers at the time at about 8pm on a Tuesday night, and I guess he was walking to the pub.It was funny. Really.

(Note: this is about Him, not me!!)

Sing Along With Boring John

Sing along!

Sing along!

Sing along!

With Boring John

Are You Talking To Me...

Or Chewing A Brick?

Ah, that's how jolly clever we were in the 1970s and 80s.

Now it's the twenty first century and Mark Joyner wants to know this:

Do You Make Me Vomit?

(Well do ya, do ya punk?)

Me and Thomas Jefferson Agree...

"Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom."

Yes. It's quotations time, folks. Maybe you think that a lot of those words of wisdom are a lot of tosh or easier said than done or whatever. Well let me tell you whatever.

Whatever!

When your days are done; when the earth is no more; and when the universe has shrivelled back into the hole whence it came, the words of wisdom you sneer at unbelievingly, well they will still be true.

Wisdom will always be.

Just because you, and me sometimes don't get me wrong, can't fit wisdom into your time-pressured existence don't make it wrong.

It aint wrong, it's the truth; can ya stand the double truth (Ruth)?

As regards honesty, it's one of the few things I admire about Da Other Guy actually. He don't always achieve perfect honesty but he has always, since I have known him anyway, held honesty to be one of his core values.

So, dude, today I salute You!

But tomorrow Your toned-up health-freak of an ass is mine!

BJ? That sounds rude!

"BJ?

"That sounds rude!" she says.

"No it bloody doesn't!" I reply, "They're my initials, Boring John. Can I help it if they're also shared by that activity that women claim to be so great at doing! ('Ouch! Mind yer teeth love!')

"Are you bloody obsessed with sex or what?"

Well. Are you?

Mr Vanillah?

(Yet another uncategorised post by Me.)

Boring John, or That Other Guy (I'm not sure which) is presently trawling through some personal journals, looking for inspiration or something. Anyway, he found a reference to a diary entry that referred to Someone looking for a Mr Vanillah.

I wonder how that search is going now, a few years later.

We forgot that She was once looking for a Mr Vanillah, actually, forgot that She hasn't always been looking for the unlikely and ultimately unsatisfying mister they call Mr Goodbar.

"Couldn't Mr Vanillah be Mr Goodbar too, Boring John?"

No.

How to solve problems?

Rest easy, this is not about the DIY mess you made yesterday. Nor is it about solving sudoku puzzles or -- and this is where you should really breathe a sigh of relief -- how to solve your love life problems.

Well, not really.

It's more about the time that you should solve problems.

So. Do you, for example, solve all problems now even if you never actually have to face all of the problems that you solve? Or do you think it's better to solve problems as and when they appear, even though you might not be able to when the time comes?

Me and A Guy I Know share a similar failing in that we both like to clear the forest first before we take our first step.

Yeah, this is kind of a rhetorical question I guess as I know what the answer is. Still, I'd be interested in what you have to say. Really.

Three Characters Walk Into A Pub...

1) These three characters walk into a pub: The Reader, The Writer and The Leading Man. They make their way to the bar. There, they start to eye each other up, each expecting the other to perform, to do something, to 'dance, monkey, dance!'. But the sign on the wall clearly states: No Dancing!.

2) So they all turn around and leave.

3) No this is not a joke (I don't believe in jokes, remember!), this is based on a true story. Cos all stories are true, right, whether fictional or non-fictional. If someone imagines it, it must be true.

4) Anyway, These Three Characters? They're just outside, waiting: waiting for directions; waiting for a new page, for the status quo to be broken, for someone to blink!

5) (Blinkin' ell!)

PS Yes today is the day that The Writer copies entries from this blog to put into the book. He's feeling rather pleased with himself, actually, because He's come up with a clever way to reuse much of what he has written over the years -- poems, journals, blogs, even the precious piece called Blocked that he wrote at Arvon, during October 2006 -- into his book. I guess his internet marketing training is paying off for him at last.

Is this real...

or am I dreaming?

And if I am dreaming, why is it always with the nightmares?

I Know Someone who wants to moan about a sibling of his. But he can feck off and get his own blog! As for this - it will be updated, I mean corrected, soon!

Now bugger off. I don't feel like talking today!

BJ on Wisdom & Communication

Listen carefully to what people say when giving you advice about how to deal with someone. They're really swaying, this is how I want you to treat me!

(I've only put this here as it won't go there!)

More Sex!

I've just been doing a review of "my world" and you know what...

there's not enough SEX!

What's wrong with me! Don't I like doin it or something?

There's also a complete absence of Love, Death, Hatred, Laughter and definitely, definitely, definitely not enough about internet dating. (Oh boy, I could write for hours about that kind of loopy love!)

So I'm putting the record straight.

I've now created 5 new labels, and I may go through by back catalogue (!) of postings and add where appropriate. Or I might just write some new posts about love, death, hatred (nasty business), laughter (not enuf!) and internet dating (loopy business).

Care to comment?

"A put down..."

"A put down! Won't someone please think of a put down!" (With thanks to The Simpons, as ever!)

(Boy, I'm distracted today. I don't know what's come into me.)

Yes, here are some put downs you can aim at me, or anyone male that you care to think of. Someone I Know received them a long time ago in a land far away, via email; I think they were meant to be jokes.

Actually, these are quite funny -- much better than the usual tosh served up by email jokes. (Haven't you jokes people got something better to do! You know like watching Big Brother or sending out mind-numbing bulletins on Myspace or counting your shoes, even! Tch.)

Anyway, for those of you who don't have anything better to do right now (like me, obviously) here are some classic (and otherwise) put downs.

Give it your best shot, baby!

Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Guy: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Girl: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Guy: "Your place or mine?"
Girl: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Guy: "I can see forever in your eyes."
Girl: "But all I can see is never in yours."

Guy: "Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?"
Girl: "Yeah, but this time don't stop!"

Guy: "I want to give myself to you."
Girl: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

He: "Would you like to dance?"
She: "Not with you."
He: "Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did."

(Trust a man to always want the last say, eh! ;-) )

He: "Do you wanna dance?"
She: "Yeah but not with you!"
He: "You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!"

(By 'eck, he's on a roll!)

Me: Do you come here often?
You: [Add your comments below, baby. You know you want to! ;-) ]

Boring John's World Looks Like This...

The world according to Boring John a la March 2007.

Well it looks a lot like the list below(*).

About ME (8)
BJ Thoughts (113)
BLOGS (20)
Communication (25)
Dreams (6)
Fear (13)
Jokes (1)
Life (39)
People (38)
Poetry (6)
Problems (32)
Procrastination (20)
Relationships (53)
Religion (1)
Sex (25)
Tosh (96)
What Do I Know? (77)
Wisdom (41)
Words (6)

These are the subjects that are interesting me, obviously.

Who'd have thought that Sex would only score a 25, especially when Relationships has the third highest score (number of postings) of 53. Come to think of it, perhaps a ratio of 1 to 2, sex to relationships, aint that bad. (I know lots of 'real' people (including some women) who would die for such portions! Yes, die!)

Clearly, I think too much in the virtual world. There's a surprise!

I do not think that much about religion (though that first post is a particularly fine one, even if I do say so myself), nor do I care for jokes.

I'm into wisdom and words and ME.

Google isn't into me, though. I don't even appear first in the listings for Boring John. I mean that's my name, Google, ferchrissakes! John Boring clearly is NOT Boring John. (And why am I only being found for stoopid terms like protectmyidentity.co.uk ? I need to get famous, and fast!)

But, what do I know? I know a lot about Tosh! ;-)

(And if you like my tosh then do subscribe to my blog whydontya. It's easy. You'll find a link to click below the pic of the little boy in the sailor's uniform. Any monkey can do it! [Erm, I think you'll find that that sailors uniform is the closest thing that kid, the Pele of his generation, had to a football shirt - Ed, aka The Writer.]

* Yes, this is yet another example of this character living out his life here, in this blog, when he should be making paper pages quiver with his wit and disdain for life.

What's wrong with little Johnny! Why won't he come out to play? (You're right, replied The Writer, let's add this post to the Procrastination label too and then get bouncing on the blue ball!)

Values?

(The character who expresses the views below really should be doing something else right now. He really should be acting out his character in the book that he stars in. Is this inactivity his fault, or the Writer's fault? I'm not sure and will get back to you on that one. Okay...)

Values: a question.

Do I share your values and if I don't should I?

This is one of those deep and meaningful questions that really should get the juices flowing. Understanding your answer really will help you communicate better, especially with those few that seem utterly puzzling to communicate with.

Consider answering the question your homework.

You are not allowed to post any comments on this blog without first satisfactorily answering that question to yourself. You will know what satisfactory means.

I'll get you started shall I by answering the question myself

My answer: Some of them, and no

My, your balls are looking...

BLUE!

(Apropos of nothing at all, I'm sure!)

PS That fellah Neruda, Pablo Neruda, musta had big blue balls too! As he wrote this once: Love is short, forgetting is so long

You Said What?

Little bird, you said what?

To who?

Oh my god, oh my god, "Please not Flanders, please not Flanders, please not Flanders"

Let's hope she thinks it's just one big joke. Let's hope she doesn't notice. Let's just hope she replies to A N Other instead!

Oh my god, oh my god, "Please not Flanders, please not Flanders, please not Flanders"

Groundhog (rainy) days

Message to MySpace Agent

Hi

Ever seen Groundhog Day? Great movie starring that guy with the hangdog face - Bill Murray. Anyway, he keeps on reliving the same day, over and over again. He gets bored, as you might imagine and he even actually tries to kill himself in more and more bizarre ways. This all fascinated me, especially as it didn't matter what he did that day, he would always wake up at the beginning of the very same day, and have to have the very same conversations with the very same people (he even had to watch the street beggar die, but that's another story).

Anyway, the reason I'm writing is that whatever he did (or wrote!) it did not change anything. There were no consequences to his actions, because whatever he did elicited the same response, or the same turn of events.

So, beam back to MySpace.

Imagine, if you will, someone sending someone else (let's use the initials A.B. to protect the guilty) MySpace messages. Witty, friendly, hostile, pained and, if I'm being honest, tediously long messages, not too dissimilar to this post in actual fact.

Imagine (if you can!) that A.B. never responds to these messages. Never. Would that mean that this someone would stop sending the messages eventually, irritated by the non-responsiveness. Or, would it mean, buoyed by the absence of feedback (negative or positive) this someone would just carry on sending. Click, send. Click, send. Click, send. Would this someone get more and more bold in what they feel able to say?

It's an interesting one, for sure. Only for those with nothing better to do on a Sunday I agree, for sure.

Take it from me, A.B., that a little birdy told me that silence has no power anymore. It's normal. It does not disarm or disable or demean. In fact it empowers and vindicates. Utterly so. Amazingly so. The little bird would chirp. The boy cried wolf too often, birdy would say. The little boy just cried too often.

No, what worked and what continues to work are short left-field replies that cut to the nub of the matter with brutal incision. For example, one such reply might involve the admittedly somewhat puzzling expression, ego vertigo. Puzzling to little birdy, anyway.

"Anyway, it's a rainy day (days I most enjoy)," this someone might say, "and I thought I'd share this thought with you. Yes, I admit it, I was thinking about you. It's Sunday, after all".

People are funny, aren't they. As are little birdies and little boys.

Why can't they all just get along?

Who Says RoMance is Dead?

Not Me!

Today's Message...

Today's message from the Don't Sweat The Small Stuff 2007 calendar is...

"Your time and energy are among your most precious and important assets. It's extremely important to make wise and well-thought-out choices about who you spend your time with."

Actually, this is the message for Sunday Feb. 25 - the day My Author went to Barcelona for a few days.

'Hmm, fascinating,' I heard him think.

Egotick Me

Egotistical?

Moi?

You've been reading the wrong blog!

PS Whilst you're here - would you mind terribly if you EgoTick Me!

Shapeshifters

What are shapeshifters?

I have an idea, but I may well be wrong. So let's see what others think:

• Shapeshifters are characters that play more than one role in a novel (initially a friend to the protagonist, say, that then becomes a foe)
  
  - From the world according to Nick Daws
  
  
• Shapeshifters are a band, man!
  
  - From the world according to Google
  
  
• Shapeshifting is a change in the physical form or shape of a person or animal
  
  - From the world according to Wikipedia
  
  
• Shapeshifters are those who trim themselves to suit everybody [so that they] soon whittle themselves away
  
  - From the misquoted world of Charles Schwab
  
  
• Shapeshifters are...?
  
  - From the world according to YOU

Yes, you the reader, I want to know what you think shapeshifters are. It's important. The world according to Boring John depends on it...

3 Little Words?

I opened one of those random quotations books yesterday, y'know like my mate Ego Fatigo based his (or her, I can't be sure!) website on. Basically, it was offering wisdom in love, and you just had to think of a love-related problem.

So, anyways, these are the three little words that resulted (I did it three times, see):

1. Transition
   
2. Healing
   
3. Get over it

So there you go.

Utter nonsense, as I suspected...

Things

I was looking over the Words Of Another, as is my wont in 2007, and I came across a poem written in 1996. All about change. (Ya don't say.) I think Our Main Man might have just split up from a long-term lover but he's keeping his lips shut at the moment - thinks I'm bullying him a bit too much, right now.

Ah, whatever. This is my world and I'll write what I know and make up anything I don't. As for bullying Mister - you aint seen nuthin yet!

And Suzie? Well, He and she were just friends. It seems that even in 1996 our Main Character wanted to do the right thing rather than simply get some. "When will we ever learn, eh!".

Read on (MacDuff)...

THINGS
(Ode to Suzie,...)

Things Change.
Things grow,
things decay
“Things usually work out!”

Things change.
Things become special,
things just f-a-d-e away
And “some things just never change!”

Things change.
The things you do,
and the things you don’t do
“Things will never be the same again!”

Things, eh!

Me, Myself and I...

A winning combination. Who needs anybody else, eh!

(Hee hee.)

PS Happy Valentine's Day to y'all out there. Let's hope you got that card / text message or email that you were hoping for. Until next time, when the case is sol-ved...

What Women Want

According to leading dating expert Brian Caniglia women are looking for the these qualities in their male partner:

1. Personality
   
2. Physical beauty
   
3. Excitement

Trouble is, according to Brian, they're also looking for these qualities too

1. Confidence
   
2. Mystery
   
3. Respect

What makes this revelation the conundrum that is boy-girl relationships is that one set of qualities are conscious (that is openly expressed) and one set are unconscious (that is inwardly expressed).

I see, thinks Boring John.

So I should stop listening to what women say they want and start listening to what women think they want.

Easy. Innit!

And then I need to improve myself a just a little

Because, as my mate Meatloaf almost once sang, "two out of six aint bad!"

Roses Are Red!...

When I grow up...

Love story? Tragedy? Farce? Or just another boring sitcom repeated on ITV?

[MySpace message: unsent]

Hi You,

I'm not coming to London this weekend!

That means I won't be able to visit you on Sunday evening; which is a pity, because I'd really have liked to have seen you again, in person. (Shit mods or no!) I'm going to arrange another visit to my friend soon, cos I don't like letting him down either. (He lives on Bellenden Rd - know it?)

Still, it's been interesting 'communicating' with you these last few weeks. Looks as though things haven't changed between us much, though; just two more of Shakespeare's players sticking rigidly to their (life) scripts, I guess.

Do you know that it's exactly two years since we last met. So perhaps we shall meet again in two more years, or never even. (Does that sound like tragedy to you? Lol). As it's Valentine's Day soon I shall buy you another red rose; but I shall keep it for meself, this time ;-)

What else shall I do, instead?

Well, I have boxes to move, rooms to reorganise, and lie-ins to indulge in. 'All go' in Yorkie-land for sure, and definitely not boring. And I might do a bit more writing (I actually wrote a new poem, don't you know - 4 lines, but still.)

So now I have to invent some cock n bull story about why I can't come and visit my mate and all his American chums.

Maybe I'll say that I missed my train due to the fact that I was kidnapped by aliens. They forced me to lie awake for several hours and relive several of the worst moments in my life, that made my face twist bitter-and-twistedly. The aliens then hid in my cupboard and played peek-a-boo with my car keys even though I just wanted to go to sleep. And when I looked in the cupboard the aliens had vanished, having sneaked into my car and driven away whilst I was obviously not looking. At the same time they made all the buses vanish too and forced all of the trains to only go from the south to the north making travelling down south, almost impossible.

Or I could just tell him I'm not coming, I don't know yet.

[The fact that I'm finally rewriting this at 18.40 on Sunday means that he already knows that I'm not coming. My friend's smart like that, though he didn't quite understand why the aliens would want to hide in my cupboard...]

Anyways, am sorry we're not going to meet; I just don't have the energy for traipsing down to London right now. (I'm not as used to insomnia as you are.)

Adios guapa

Me

Da Other Guy?

Could this be Da Other Guy I refer to...

(Or is this just yet another lame poem by yet another lame nobody soul!)


Poem 666
========

Queen Bitch
You aint seen
nothin Sis
For I'm the King,
the QB of this dome main

Where are you
first thing?

I... wake with Him;
taunt Him morning,
noon and night.
Make up stories, I do,
'bout You
Who you with, and
why - you're - not - thinking - of - Him

Your twisted and bitter
refrain?
Disdain!
I got fifty better
in my locker,
locked away

I delve deep
into HisStory
Play out his doomed
scenes once more,
(Just in case he forgets)

You help, oh yes
But you're just part of
an extensive life-long
cast-list.
...Just a player
But *I* star,
in the mind of
my Master

I know my Man
I haunt and
I taunt,
like no-one else
can
*I'm* the Queen Bitch

I undermine
I talk back
I demean (LIKE A DAEMON!)

I reduce
I traduce

I keep him alive!
Just so I can do it
all over again

I'm the man,
the Pain Body man

At your service...

If you please...
(IF YOU DON'T PLEASE!)

I'm the devil,
if you will
His precious
3 letters
e.g. (?) Oh!

Or try this 4-letter word:
Fear

I know You too...

I know your curse...

(Charmed... I'll
be round Yours soon!)