Day 30: Merry Christmas

To everyone that either knows me or Him, Merry Christmas.

And may you get what you want in your Christmas stockingS(!).

If it's a gift from me (or Him) then apologies in advance - we lost your address (or never had it in the first place).

Day 29: Now We're Talking...

Boy, I got so much to say and so little time.

Let's kick off with a little bit of night music, shall we. No, there's no Mozart below - it's music by a Brit, no less: Mr Elgar. And there's also one Jaqueline Dupre letting her genius shine on through.

Now I'm more into Beethoven meself, but I'm just doing Him a favour by putting this here! He wants to put a marker down, see, as 2009 approaches. And I'm all for doing it doggie-style - territorially speaking, of course.

Anyway, I'll shut up. Listen. Enjoy. Read on...



Can anything be stranger than fiction?

Well, just ask Harold Crick, I suppose, or read more than 5 posts of this blog.

That Harold Crick's a morbid one, though. I mean what sort of line is this to run by your one and only friend in the world?...

"If you knew you were gonna die, possibly soon, what would you do?"

Still, it's a line that will be making a comeback in a second novel coming soon.

And the name of that novel?

You Only Die Twice

(By the way, not one single word has been written so far. Ah, that's a lie! The first line has been written. Yep, it's one of those books inspired by a single sentence. Again! I just thank the lucky stars I have nothing to do with it. Well at least I hope I don't!)


Even James Bond...

...suffers from the odd bout of angst, it seems. (With a face like that - as if he's got a moutful of wasps in his gob - ol' Daniel C. does well to keep it just the odd bout, if you ask me!) Still, as my lines start to run out, I guess I should take a quantum of solace from that fact. Guess so. Yes, even JB has to think about more than King and Country sometimes.

As for BJ...

Well, it'll soon be Christmas!

Day 28: More Boring John EXTRAS

It seems The World According to Boring John has been 'made smaller'.

Yes, at the final hurdle some 10,000 words were culled, deleted - deemed not to be 'quite right'.

And that means more words for the Boring John Extras ebook. Extras like these gems that had to be removed for reasons of copyright...

1. First line / last lines

The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemingway

“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.”

and

“The old man was dreaming about the lions.”

(Great book, by the way.)

And Ken Kesey’s novel, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, starts with these lines: “They’re out there. Black boys in white suits up before me to commit sex acts in the hall and get it mopped up before I can catch them.”

and it finishes with this one

“I been away a long time.”

2. More book references...

Now both Anna Karenina (Leo Tolstoy) and The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera) get a mention

--

More coming soon. Promise.

Day 27: "Itty bitty, but satisfying!" (*)

Dear Ms Itty Bitty,

If you ever get time to finish the whole of that 2-character gig We sent you, then We'd love to hear your one-sentence review, We really would!

We'll even put it on the back cover, when it gets pubished - promise!

And, as we're pretty sure the card is not in the post, We'll wish you a Merry Christmas now:

Wesołych Świąt Bożego Narodzenia!

Wow, what a mouthful! (**)

(*) We are assured that this is not what the actress said to the Bishop!
(**) Neither was that.

Day 26: One Day in the Life of...

One day in the life of Boring John...

(Yes, you can see why that Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn went with my mate Ivan Denisovich instead of me, can't you! Sometimes bugger all happens in my day, it really does!)

Day 25: Boring Names...

Ian is a bit of a boring name - like John, I agree.

But that doesn't mean that some of us Johns (and Ians) can't get up to stuff, now do it!

Me and Ian Dury don't think so, anyway...

(RIP Ian, mate. Looking good!...)

Day 24: 5 Years...

Apparently it's been more or less 5 years since He met She.

Ah, a pair matched in heaven. Or some place beginning with H, anyway.

So, to celebrate this anniversary I thought I'd let David Bowie (and his alter ego Ziggy) do their thing in a little ditty called - surprise, surprise! - 5 Years.

Take it away Mr Stardust...



PS Weren't his teeth so much better back then?

Day 23: Inspirational Quotations

(Practicing my lines)

Some famous geezers said the following, but for the life in me I can't think who. Or maybe I got it wrong again, Dad - maybe!

• Quote 1: "Be the anger you see in the world"
  
  
• Quote 2: "Use what friends you possess: your phone would be very silent if no friends sang there except those that sang best"
  
  
• Quote 3: "Feel the fear but run away anyway"

Be the anger you see in the world?

You heard it first, here, folks! You heard it first, here!

Day 22: Use it or...

lose it!


(9 days left, and counting)


Your comments are always welcome, dear reader.

Day21 : Did I Make You Look?

You dirty duck!

Day20: Bad Poetry

An old poem from Him

Bad Poetry

Is it deliberate,
or
can I just not write
good poetry?

Is it deliberate
or
is this the only way
for me to purge
the poison-pink away?

Does it need to rhyme?
(Does she need to harm?)
Is pain, hurt, anger and hate
the only way to create?

No!

I'm smiling, as I write
Pink is not poison,
I know
This is just a lesson
to my ego. Listen!

So thank you,
"you're so vain",
for raising my value
and
for letting me
write
bad poetry

Thank you

--

And a new (rough draft, but I can't be arsed to make it better) poem from me

In The Corner

I was in the corner
of that Bristol hotel
when he first unwrapped you

I was in the corner
as you kissed
(and then hissed!)

I was in the corner

I was in the corner
Oxford's Travelodge too
Twenty-one grams trouble

I was in the corner
for your sweet-
meat revenge

I was in the corner

I was in the corner
that Thursday in Fulham -
reception-desk pink-slip

I was in the corner
you tricked your
April Fool

I was in the corner

I...

 was in...

          the corner

--

I'll leave it up to the viewers to decide which poem be best.

Day 19: Nothing to see here...

Day 18: What Makes You Tick, Boring John?

With apologies to Psychologies magazine for ripping off the format of their internew with Bill Nighy (he could play an older, wiser, version of me for sure) here are some questions and answers bout lil ol' me.

(Hey, it beats having to think for a living!)

Four Words That Describe You?
Sexy, Fun

(There's no need for another two words, is there!)

Is The Glass Half Empty Or Half Full?
Full

If You Wake Up At 4Am, What's On Your Mind?
It's not my mind that I'm thinking about, if you know what I mean!

What Was Your Plan B
Hmm, this is very dangerous territory dear lazy interviewer from Psychologies. Y'see Plan A was to land a James Bond-style gig - action/adventure and then, once I got out of bed, I'd head to the day job!

So Plan B was to 'start slowly' by appearing in what was sold to me as European Art/House (aka The World According to Boring John). But Plan B turned out to be ten times worse than the madhouse that was One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. European Arthouse? More like something Tracey Emin *didn't* include in her latest art 'masterpiece'.

So Plan B has played itself out. Now I'm at the mercies of faceless editors, publishers and agents (not the JB kind, alas). I may well vanish, never to be seen or heard from again...

(And wouldn't that be a pity, eh!)

Do You Ever Spend Longer Than Necessary In Front Of The Mirror?
I'm in complete agreement with Bill here in that I never look in mirrors either. But not because I'm phobic, but because I have that Fonzeralla-esque knowledge that there really is no need!

What Drives You, Fear Or Desire?
Great question. He drives me - both His fear and His desire. Bloody tiring, I can tell you, to be at the beck and call of such ferociously unsated beasts...

What's The Best Advice You've Been Given?
Never take no for an answer! ;-)

Religious, Spiritual, Humanist Or Nove Of The Above?
None. My name is Boring John. I'm an original (and only) member of the BoringJohnologists. I make my own rules, if I can, based on self-interest and pleasure, in the vain hope that I may get to influence Him to do likewise.

When And Where Were You Happiest?
Five minutes before I agreed to do The World According to Boring John gig; five mins. before I signed on the dotted line. If I only had my time again.

--

And if that hasn't completely confused you, Dear Blog Reader (I really don't know where we get these strays and wastrels, I really don't!) then you can learn more about About Me here and more About Him here.

Day 17: My Life as a Blog (Random)

And, lastly, here are a few interesting posts I came across that may (or may not) amuse:

• Other Johns I'm interested in
  
  
• I've heard of a laughing gnome, but a laughing buddha
  
  
• Can there be anything casual about sex?
  Ooh, this was of His finer moments. Of course I had a heavy influence...
  

A bit more randomness follows. Soon.

Day 16: My Life as a Blog (2010)

Er, Please see My Life as a Blog (2009)

Day 15: My Life as a Blog (2009)

Ooh, now I'm not a mind reader (as you know) so I'm not too sure what, if anything, my life (as a blog) will be like. I rather hope that I will evolve from the pond-life that is my blog-life to something, er, more fulfilling and interactive. That is, I rather hope I get a girl (or two) in an adventure that doesn't take place out in cyberspace with no one to read me but My-As-Bored-As- Me Writer.

But, as I said, I couldn't really possibly comment as it's 2009 we're talking about here, and that time has yet to come.

Oh, sorry, I'm making all this up. I know the future and, as well as it being orange, it looks like this: My Life as a Blog (2009)

Day 14: My Life as a Blog (2008)

Damn, not much happened in 2008. Seems He was getting high with a latest squeeze. Tch, she'll dump Ya like the rest Home Boy! (I hope so, anyway! Lol)

Still, I got to talk about The Simpsons. (Ah no, those are His words!) Okay, I got to talk about The Book and the The Book Extras. That's pretty much it. Hope 2008 was more stimulating for you, that's all I'll say!

Day 13: My Life as a Blog (2007)

With only 102 posts, the blog took a back seat to The Book. And, as I slowly started to exercise my vocal chords there, so too did I decide that this blog was my blog and not His! (Well, it does say The World According to Boring John. It certainly don't say The World According to Boring Steve. Nope!)

So, 2007 was kinda fun. And We (mostly me) covered topics like these:

# Communication

# Fear
# Internet Dating
# Life

# People
# Problems (Hey, I got 99 of those, but...)

# Relationships
# Sex
# Tosh, and
# Wisdom

Some say 2007 was a vintage year. I say 2009 will be so much better, when I can get up to all kinds of shenanigans outside the not-so-intense gaze of both blogosphere and bookosphere.

And I shall be Prince's inspiration no more!

Day 12: My Life as a Blog (2009)

(Nothing to see here! Move along...)

Day 11: My Life as a Blog (2006)

This was a busy time on the blog! There were 239 posts and clearly that's far too many for me to summarise in a pithy paragaph or three. So let me highlight a few of the better posts for that year, and I'll leave it to you (dear imagined reader) to check out the rest of that fine year.

• So that means this post subtitled 'My life as a boy' is really about His life as a boy. Gettit?
  
  
• Men can be emotionally honest! It's true. Trouble is they need to have just had an orgasm! D'oh!
  
  
• More angst and that Poem 666 rears its very ugly head again. (Did you know that this poem makes an appearance in a soon-to-be-published book? It does, though when the book is going to get published absolutely no one knows!)
  
  
• Talking to yourself via a blog is less intelligent than not watching foreign films cos of the subtitles ("It hurts my head to have to read the words!") - it's official! Well it isn't official, but it's a thought for a day
  
  
• And in 2006 the blog was still unduly being influence by a blonde-eyed blue-haired Monster living South of the Watford Gap river. It's Her fault that this blog exists... probably. As is the millions (hah!) He'll be earning from the book royalties. Anyway, the Sappy Bugger was/is quite into her, so He wrote daft blog pieces like this, titled: Elusive butterflies, windmills and song titles. (Thank heavens, I guess, the name for Boring John had been established back then, else I might have been given the even more ridiculous moniker of Silly Goat!)
  

Day 10: My Life as a Blog (2005)

In the beginning was the word, and the word was... Well it was two words, actually - it was "Hello World!"

Yep, that's how my life as a blog began back in December 2005. December? Aye, so there can't have been that much to be said in 2005. Well, there was still strong evidence of His angst (cunningly disguised as writing ideas - indeed!) and the odd sprinkling of journalistic piss-take.

Who knew things were going to get so much more interesting in the years to come?

(Who knew indeed! And, believe me, in 2010 this blog will truly rock!)

Day 9: Time Check

It's Day 9 of Around 'The World' in 30 Days

It's Thursday

It's five to five (well, it was 2 and a bit hours ago)

And it's, well it's not Crackerjack, but it's December 4th which is... close?

...And that's me done for another day.

Lame, I know, but I got a runny nose so what ya gonna do!...

Day 8: The Bubbly Gum Years

Once upon a time, when The Writer Of This Blog looked a lot like the little boy you see on the left, a brief career in shop-lifting started when a single bubble gum (see below) was not-so-secretly sneaked into a little boy's pocket whilst he was in his local shop.

The eagle-eyed storekeeper of The Little Shop (for that was the shop's name) - an upstanding figure of the community, no doubt, and probably a man called Barry - noticed this misdemeanour, and simpy asked the lad to return the Bubbly and to then go home and tell his Mum just what he'd done.

Thankfully said little boy had not previously listened to Ian Dury's "Razzle in my Pocket" and so he decided that if he couldn't even lift a bloody bubbly gum then he might as well stick to the straight and narrow! So he trundled back home and confessed all...



Note: this is not the same Bubbly - just in case you were thinking!

Day 7: Mythical Creatures

Which of these mythical creatures do you actually believe in?

1. Mr P Charming ("Yes, I will still love you in the morning!")
   
   
2. Mr/Ms Right ("Yes, you look great in that dress/suit!")
   
   
3. Mr Goodbar ("Yes, I wanna do that again! And I wanna do it now!")
   
   
4. Mr Bad Boy ("Yeah, I promise lurve not love!... I'll call ya!")
   
   
5. Mr Vanillah ("Yes, I promise to do all of the above! And, yes, you can call me!")

Me?

I believe in none of those buggers, that's for sure!

I believe in a Mr Good Writer - I know he's out there somewhere...

Day 6: Wise Words?

Because I can be lazy sometimes - always, given half the chance actually - I've decided to be a bit slack with today's post. As you will now see..

So, wise words... Are these wise words? "When you lose, don't lose the lesson"

Or how about these words - "Take into account that great love and great achievement involve great risk." Are they wise?

Well, some geezer called the Dalai Lama said them. That's according to Go Go With The Flow, anyway.

As to wise words I may well once have said. Once upon a time, when the moon was yellow... These'll be them: wise words of wisdom a la Boring John.

PS And them mythical creatures will have to wait their turn till tomorrow.

Day 5: Love, life and intertnet dating

Part of this around the world in 30 days routine is to get you bloody readers to do your bloody job and that's bloody well read the blog a bit more.

So, a nice quick and easy way for me to achieve this is to write a blog with a kind of provocative title - e.g. Love, life and internet dating - and then just link to relevant blog posts

A bit like this, really:

Life

Love

Internet Dating

Who knows you might learn something. Or, you might decide never again to visit Boring John world. In either case, a result.

(Off you go...)

PS Tomorrow's post will be about mythical creatures (beginning with V).
PPS And maybe I'll write a proper post about love, life and internet dating a la Him the day after - who knows!

Day 4: Dear Readers

How can I expect to get more than one blog reader if I write blog posts for a specific reader (see Day 3)? I can't. So, this blog post is for you - dear other readers.

Get in touch, and let me know what you think, or what you'd like me to moan on about - I may even write you a poem, if suitably inspired.

As for our regular reader, she can get in touch too. But no more poems. Don't wanna spoil ya, do I?

Day 3: Dear Reader

Dear Reader,

I know I said I was going to stop talking about the reader-writer relationship, and talk about 'real' stuff and such, but I just can't seem to help it - it's in my blood right now.

I know that, once upon a time the blog use to be about important stuff like The Simpsons (and feeling smug about them). And then, when I took over the show, the blog'd be about how easy it is to be a man and such (bloody stupid Rudyard Kipling and his impossible rhymes!), but now it's all about me and you, the dear reader.

How post-modern!

How la la la!

(Tch!)

Trouble is, right now, this blog has just the one dear reader - a blonde who has seen better days (just like the rest of us, eh!).

So let me reprise a little something that was written for our precious dear reader aka the Terence Stamp One, a while ago. I call it Mango.

(Ahem! Le me clear me throat!...)

Mango
by Boring John

Mango "Me?"
Nah, it couldn't be!
I'm just a character, see!
She must mean He
- that Mishka P -
She must mean He!

--

And good look to 'er, is all I'll say!

He still can't help Himself when it comes to antagonising and such, and now He's come over all happy and dippy too. This is NOT how to show a girl a good time! Hee hee.

DAY 2: Me and Mr Crick

Me and Mr Crick?

Well, I' d have preferred it if it was Me and Mrs Jones but some black dude got in their first. Tch!

So, where was I? Oh yes, me and Mister Harold Crick (him off that movie Stranger than Fiction) - well, we've both got a 'thing' going on, and neither of us like it!

Harold's thing? Well it turns out Harold Crick - a humble guy, who works the numbers at the IRS - is actually the main character in a novel, he ain't a real person at all. And every now and then he gets to hear his writer's voice in his head - narrating and stuff. How annoying would that be, huh?

But, much worse than that, Harold is being written by a writer whose forte is killing off her main character. Bummer, eh!

So, me and Mr Crick - we know how crappy it is to be written, how positively tedious it is for our destiny to be not our own. Sure, I ain't got a grisly end* lined up just yet, but then I never got to snog the sexy tattooed girl either. I feel Harold's pain, oh yes! And you would too, if you were a bleedin' character stuck inside a blog, or inside the pages of a book that no bugger is ever gonna read!

I ask ya! What did I do to deserve this, eh!

Still, it provides material for a blog post. So I'm not gonna grumble too much. Be rude, no?...


* I left ol' Harold on the bus reading through the last chapter of the book he's in - he was trying to find out how he died. I reckon he's going to read about his demise at the very moment a stupid white boy cycles in front of the bus... and over the bridge she goes!

But I don't know (yet), as I couldn't stand the excitement - I just had to turn off the DVD, as Harold started to read. Hey, I've been there - had my strings pulled, so to speak - so I know how uncomfortable the Crickster must have been feeling at the time! I left him too it. But I'll sneak a peek, maybe tomorrow, to see if he manages to avoid his 'fate'. Go Harold, go!

As for you, you will come back tomorrow won't you? Might even write a few sweet somethings bout ya! (If I can think of any, that is! Lol.)

Around 'The World' in 30 Days

"It's been a long time. I shouldn't a left you"...

So here I am. Back in full multi-colour (note the 'u') glory! For your full delight and delectation. For a full 30 days. And then. "And just like that - he was gone." (Maybe.)

So ya best make the most of me. Huh!

So why 30 days?

Well, I figured that I could explain 'my world' - about me, about The World According to Boring John (aka 'The Book'), and about the stuff I like to moan about (see lhs labels) - every day for thirty days.

It will kinda give me something to do, as The Book nears its completion, and might enlighten (and entertain) you in the process.

Though as no bugger reads this blog - not 'right on' enough or not topical enough or maybe too Boring, John (Who said that?) - I'll probably only be 'entertaining' meself. Well, I'm happy to pretend there are readers out there if you are, so let's get on with it, shall we...

DAY ONE

Well, Day One is running a day behind. Tch, typical! Yep, I shoulda written this introductory post yesterday but didn't. And when I say I shoulda written it, I mean HE shoulda written it.

He? Okay, today I'm going to explain to you how this blog works.

I'm Boring John, and (obviously) the main character on this blog and in The Book. But, I'm not the writer - He is. And I can only express myself if He pulls his finger out. And who is He? He is He: Him - it's all explained here (I think!)

Don't worry, I'll rant and rave about how daft life is without referencing Him too often, I promise.

But that's enough for now.

I gotta be able to pad this out, for another 29 days, y'know.

There will be more... (Tomorrow.)

"And that's how two characters should dance together in life"

And that's how two characters should dance together in life?

Yes, and it's all explained here in this (almost finished*) version of The World According to Boring John (PDF version) - you'll need a password!**

Enjoy! I know I didn't.

* This book may never get finished - He may not be up to it!
** And the password is... - contact me (or Him) for it!

Muse Sick N Hour Mess Age?

Is the Muse sick in our 'mess' age?

Hey, I couldn't possibly comment now could I. (Heheh!)

Well at least it lets me include this kick-ass piece of music from the P E. Oh, it does mean I have to include a piece of love-sak musak afterwards though. But who be it for? Ooh, I dunno. Well, I do, but I ain't tellin!(*) If you can get me a date with Hope S. then maybe we can talk some more. Otherwise... See ya!

Public Enemy video follows...




Sloppy-ass Muzak from Mazzy S. follows...




(*) Hey, I'd love to tell you the second video is for, I really would. But He made me promise NOT to, lest that person visit the website and it spoils His chances, see. And who He? Well, He be Him!

Feeling Unloved...

Do you see how long it's been since I got to speak on this blog? Bloody April 17th (when He still had a girlfriend ha ha!). But His other blog - How to write a novel - oh, that's being updated all the time lah-de-bloody-dah! (Who wants to learn how to write a novel by a bloody No-mark who's never gonna get a book published in a million years? And this despite my best efforts. No bugger, that's who.)

Anyhoo, I'm only actually here because of His stoopid book.

It seems that he's not come up with a brief synopsis of The World According to Boring John and I'm meant to talk about it right here. Say how crap it is, I guess. Well, you know what, I can't be bothered. I'm just going to list it for you, and your delectation, and provide you with the links to his (more beloved) other blog and then go back to sleep.

You know what, I used to be a contender, and now I'm nothing more than a facsimile thereof.

Why I oughta... Etc.

Synopsis
The World According to Boring John is a book about the two most important characters in a novel – the main character (BORING JOHN), and the writer (DA OTHER GUY) – and their slowly-worsening relationship as they both struggle with the demons of the blank page. Da Other Guy believes that writing something is better than writing nothing – indeed, that’s the premise of the book – whilst Boring John is not so sure: actually, he’d much rather be in a James Bond novel, or to be able to write his own book. Frustrated, Boring John starts to rewrite his ‘life, the universe, and everything’ lines and moan about Da Other Guy instead (as well as writers in general, and readers, and even Jeremy Clarkson…).

Things come to a head when Boring John discovers Da Other Guy pretending to be him.

It is approximately 80,000 words long and was completed in January, 2008. The genre is (loosely) Lad-Lit.

25-Word description
Monologue on 'life, the universe, everything' by a character who'd much rather be in a James Bond novel. So he starts changing his lines...

Strapline
Lad-lit without the bombs and boobs(*)

Links for more
http://write1stnovel.blogspot.com/

* A-bloody-las! :-(

Book Cover Blurb

Well it seems the book is almost ready to be unleashed onto an unsuspecting publishing world. A publisher has been selected; the book synopsis has been written; and many, many words have been rejected in the process.

Apparently, summarising a book like The World According to Boring John has not been easy! Tch, what a lamo He is! Lol

Anyway, I thought I'd include some of those rejected words here, give you a taste if you like of what the book is all about. And I'm happy with the words, because they're my words - natch!

Here goes...

Book Cover Blurb

Ever wondered what the voice inside your head would sound like, as a character, in a novel, that starred you as the writer? No, neither have I - so that makes at least two of us then...

Dear Prospective Reader, I have been given a few paragraphs to explain, for my undoubted sins, just what The World According to Boring John is all about. Well, this unenviable task will be made a lot easier if I begin by telling you what this book is NOT about, I think. So let me do that.

Okay, Boring John is NOT a Harry Potter, a James Bond or even a Bridget Jones novel, and it has not been written by one of those ex-SAS types high on adrenalin and action-adventure. Mystery, romance, and horror do not do their dance here. As to techno-thrillers - que'st-ce que c'est?

The World According to Boring John is simply a moaning monologue about life, the universe and everything - with extras, but without Jeremy Clarkson.

"This is a novel Jim, but not as we know it!"

Boring John is a book about writing, and how to write; about reading, and how to read; about living, and how to live.Yes, it's got the lot! Except there is very little dialogue; the prose rarely dazzles; and the whole story - what little there is of it! - starts and ends with the very same line.

It's a book about two characters, really; two characters who don't get along too well. It's about getting started; and it's about finishing what you start. (I'd say more, but I don't want to give the whole game away.) It could well be the most 'interesting' book that you will read this year, or the biggest waste of your time - it's hard to say.

So who exactly do I think will want to read it? Well, I'm buggered if I know, actually - someone that is still reading this, I guess.

About Boring John

This is the definitive page about me, Boring John

And it follows shortly.

In the meantime, I guess you could read the rest of the about me blurb.

I guess.

"My 10 Favourite Simpsons Episodes"

Sigh. He's at it again. I mean who the bloody hell is interested in which of the hundreds of Simpsons episodes is your favourite? Well Him, of course, and these people (can you digg it?), and even Google (have they got nothing better to do with their billions than to list pages and pages of websites all professing to have ten best Simpson episodes? Tch).

Anyway, I'm just moaning. Well, it is Friday, after all...

Boring John

PS Out of His list below I'd have to vote for Homer's Enemy (Season 8, 1997) - I know just how Grimey feels, especially when it comes to thinking about Him.

Over to Him...

"My ten 'best' Simpsons episodes (with reasons why)"

"Thank you kindly Boring John. Well, and assuming you are familiar enough with The Simpsons that you can fill in the gaps, and in no particular order...

"1. The one called Lisa's Substitute

"Sigh. This features The Jewish cowboy cum substitute teacher played by Dustin Hoffman and the famous Lisa rant aimed at Homer: 'You sir, are a baboon! A BABOON!' and the note at the end of things from Mr. Bergstrom (Lisa's Substitute) to a crestfallen Lisa as she waves goodbye to him forever (it simply says: 'You are Lisa Simpson').

"Oh, oh! This episode also featured Bart Simpson's attempt to become class president challenging the soon-to-be utterly phased-by-it-all Martin Prince (except Bart forgets to vote).

"Oh and then there's the moment where Homer - the usually inept parent - gets 3 from 3 by helping Bart get over his problem (losing to Martin), Lisa's problem (Homer comforts Lisa with his love and makes her laugh) and Maggie's problem (her dummy - pacifier (eek!) - falls out). When Marge asks how things are with Lisa he simply replies, "Marge, let's go to bed. I'm on the best run of my life" (Or something like that.)

"2. The one when Millhouse plays Fallout Boy

"This episode is included as it includes some of the best lines/dialogues in The Simpsons ever (in my humble opinion) including: "My eyes! The goggles do nothing!" and this exchange between McBain (who plays RadioActive Man) struggling with his lines:

"'Up and atom' (Director)
'Up and at them' (McBain)
'Up and atom!' (Director)
'Up and at them!' (McBain)
etc.

"Hilarious.

"3. The one where Marge gets Itchy and Scratchy banned

"Aside: thankfully I watched enough early Simpsons episodes so that I was unaffected by the plethora of later (poorer) episodes called The One Where They Start To Be Generic Rubbish And No Better Than A Good Episode of Bloody Friends!)

"This is a fabulous for the sequence in the middle of the episode where all the kids - forced to switch off TV as there are no more Itchy and Scratcy shows - have to go out and, shock horror, play! A minute or so of 'childhood bliss' follows with Beethoven's Pastoral playing in the background. We segue from skateboarding to kite flying to skipping to... It's TV perfection!

"(Oh I couldn't resist...)



"4. The one where 'nothings happens' in Springfield

This features 22 stories that intertwine. It also has great lines aping Pulp Fiction about the little differences between a Krusty Burger and a McDonalds Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

"This is one where the sum of its parts is greater than the whole. :-)

"5. The one where Homer travels in time using a toaster

"This is one of those dreaded Halloween episodes but this one's a good un. Basically, Homer gets to travel back in time using a toaster (of all things - reminds me of Red Dwarf's hilarious talking toaster, actually). And when he travels back in time he starts to alter his environment with disastrous consequences when he returns from his time travels. So then he starts to try not to alter his environment, but is unable to.

"I think it loses something in translation actually. Lol.

"Or maybe it's because I am a bit of a time travel geek! :o (Hence the Red Dwarf devotion.)

"6. . The one where Bart raises two lizards

"This episode has some great slapstick and a classic interchange between Bart and Marge. Basically, Bart ends up raising some birds eggs (the birds turn out to be lizards). He rigs up electricity to shine light onto the eggs to help them rear. Unfortunately (for Homer) he borrows the lights from the cellar so that everytime Homer goes down into the cellar, he falls down the stairs as there are no lights. He keeps doing this. And it keeps on being hilarious (the off camera screeches of Homer tumbling down the stairs - eye-wateringly funny and slapstick heaven)

"And there's the line from Bart about the lizards (he's trying to protect) to his Mum, Marge

"Bart - 'Everyone thinks they're monsters, but I raised them, and I love them! I know that's hard to understand.'
Marge - 'Mmm...... Not as hard as you think.'

"7. The one where Homer (nearly) skateboards across the canyon"

This is great for this sequence alone: Homer slowly slides down the side of the hill, whilst talking (on Bart's skateboard), and heads towards the canyon (Springfield Gorge) - he was trying to stop Bart doing the same and threatened to do it instead until Bart backed down and said he'd give up his daredevil ways. Anyway, he ends up taking the canyon jump on and, for a few heroic moments actually believes he's going to get across and he says (something like)

" - ' I'm going to make it . This is going to be the greatest moment of my life!'

"But then he crashes into the side of gorge and proceeds to grunt and groan like only Homer can as he falls to the bottom. Simple. But brilliant. More slapstick heaven.

"8. . The two where they spoof 'Who Shot JR?'

Classic.

"9. The one where Homer is exposed as a 'slacker' by Grimey

Homer gets a co-worker called Mr Grimes. It's not long before Mr Grimes realises that Homer is a lazy good-for-nothing but what really riles him is the fact that no-one else can see Homer for what he is.

This is a dark episode for sure as Grimey cops it in the end trying out some of Homer's comedy slapstick that never seems to affect Homer (but Mr Grimes gets electrocuted, alas).

Homer's final insult is referring to Mr Grimes (who he admired throughout) as ol' Grimey at Grime's funeral. Hard one to watch, actually as it's a bit near the knuckle (for an animated cartoon lol).

"10. The one where Homer corrupts Ned Flanders and they head off to Vegas

Homer thinks that Ned hasn't lived. (And, strangely, Ned agrees.) And so he persuades Ned to go to Vegas with him where they promptly get married to two strangers whilst drunk.

There's a daft (but funny) almost Benny Hill-esque sequence where Homer and Ned run around the casino away from their pursuers to the tune of Viva Las Vegas.

Anyway, they get booted out of town - reprobates not welcome, apparently. And, as they dust themselves down on the edge of the state border they're spotted by two bald eagles (or something like that). The birds look to themselves knowingly and then fly into the air. The credits roll and you hear Homer say 'Ah, nice birdies' then he shrieks like a girl as the birds proceed to attack him.

More 'off camera' slapstick magic.

END
-----

"Note to Simpsons geeks here: if I have misquoted somewhere above or there's a line out of place or... Well if there's anything that you don't agree with here... Well, erm, you can [insert suitable Simpsons-geeek (eek!) putdown here (as voiced by Comic Book Guy)]!

"Yes, Boring John insisted I add this note here, and used that tone of voice. Well it is his blog, after all!

"This is all off the top of my head (more or less) and I've tried to do as little 'research' as possible. Maybe you don't agree with my top 10? In that case leave me comment why don't ya!!

"Oh and here's a big list of Simpsons' episodes

"PS Yes, this is (probably) the funniest Simpsons' dialogue ever but the episode don't win an award here :-( "

Boring John EXTRAS

"Extra, extra, read all about it!"

Can you believe it? Finally, after nearly twelve months of hard graft - by God I worked hard on this project, I can tell you! - I have something to show for it. No, The World According to Boring John is not available as paperback (it's not even being published at a future date, yet), but...

The World According to Boring John "EXTRAS" is available for dowload. Free download too.

Yep, all you have to do is follow the simple download instructions, below. Then you can read the Boring John EXTRAS (a kind of 'DVD Extras' but for a book, that gives you a sample of The Real Thing(#) - how novel - containing 'deleted scenes', a full collection of poems, 'alternative versions' of prose, and even new material), and leave me some feedback. Simple.

So come on, get on with it! Get downloading (right-click mouse, and Save As 'Boring John EXTRAS')

Oh! And I do want some bloody feedback! You bet I do. One year of work and you don't even care to comment? Hey, getouttahere! Send me an email, huh, when you've done! (And you should be able to read nearly all of the "EXTRAS" (in PDF ebook format) quite quickly. I'd skip the Diary of a Nobody chapter, though - well, it was the only bit I didn't write after all! Heheh.)

Note: your feedback might make it into the EXTRAS book. So make it witty, eh!

My email address is boringjohn_at_gmaildotcom(*). Do get in touch, and send me your feedback, positive or negative. I can take it - I'm a big boy, now!

Download Instructions for Boring John "EXTRAS":



Boring John "EXTRAS" - Right-click here!

Instructions:

1. Simply right-click the image and Save As (suggested filename: 'Boring John EXTRAS').
   
   
2. Oh, and make sure you know where you're saving as, eh! Don't save the PDF in any ol' folder, and definitely not in any folder with dodgy images (if you know what I mean) - I've got standards to maintain, y'know. I suggest saving to the desktop. Nice and easy for you to not forget to open and read me, eh!

Go on then, get to it!

Don't forget: download, read, send feedback. (In that order, preferably. Go on!)

* That's an anti-spam email address in case you didn't realise it. I don't want some rich American (or Russian) jerk (or jerkov) trying to sell me Hoodia products (huh!) or Viagra tablets (pah, as if I'd need such artificial stimulations - lol) by spamming me to death, morning, noon and night. Oh yes, I know all the tricks of the trade when it comes to not getting spam. How so? I read this bloody article several times, that's how.

# This blog is called The World According to Boring John. But there's a novel of the same name in the making too --ooh! - all about me and my world (some of the blog posts appear too). That's what I'm talking about when I say The Real Thing. Ya follow?