Casual S** - Boring John, World According to

Friday, May 12, 2006

Casual S**

C***** Sex!

Can there be anything casual about sex?

As I ask this question please do not have that woman from Sex in the City's voice sounding in your head. It is the sort of question she would ask, I agree, but I'm asking it from a boy's perspective, or more precisely from my perspective.

So, does casual sex work?

On the face of it enjoying a pleasurable sexual experience with another (opposite sex, same sex, two 'anothers' or more etc.), with no commitment, no ties, sounds like a perfectly healthy situation.

After all, sex relieves stress, sex provides intimacy, sex is... well, sex is fun!

I say "casual sex, bring it on!"

But, a bit like open relationships, I think this is one of those 'works well on paper but...' situations.

Sex is incredibly intimate, a very personal experience indeed. I mean even if you could sleep with all the so-called beautiful women of the world (I speak from a male hetero-sexual view here, but you get my point) would you really be able to, when you got down to it.

What about spark?

What about feeling comfortable with someone, when naked?

What about letting yourself go?

What about the person you'd really rather be with?

What about emotions, feelings? Yes, even we boys have them.

You get my point.

So hands up if you said yes to the question above. Okay, does that mean you've had a casual sexual relationship? And does that mean you had no problems with it; the relationship ended naturally with no bad feelings from either party?

If not, then I'm going to politely ignore your opinion. Hey, I did say politely, so don't take offence.

If so, my aren't you a clever boy. Don't know why you're reading this, then, really!

My experiences of casual sex can be grouped into the following categories:

1) One Night Stands

2) Friendship Plus

3) The Ex-

As I grow older and more sophisticated(!), I discover another category, that of:

4) I Don't Want Anything Serious. Really

(Maybe this last category has always existed, and maybe it was available to me in my teens if I had but asked, but I didn't ask so it comes as a new category to me.)

So let me deal with each category above, and explain why I believe that having great casual sex, i.e. enjoyable sex without complications, is as easy as finding a man that *really* listens or a woman that *hates* shopping - you know it can happen, you just can't remember the last time it did.

(Oh, with lines like that, I really ought to audtion for Nicky Campbell's job. Ahem!)

1) One Night Stands

I've had a few one night stands in my time. Some of them were a lot of fun, but most of them were alcohol-fuelled exercises of momentum in action. You get yourself to the top of the slide, and so you 'might as well'... slide.

Some times, there's a conquest involved I agree.

Some times you know that nothing's going to happen.

A lot of the time, though, one of you feels awkward, one of you feels used.

And neither of you felt relaxed enough to really enjoy, to really perform (yes, that word is a reminder that I am a boy).

Verdict on One Night Stands: like eating pizza, an unsatisfactory experience, but it will do until next time.

2) Friendship Plus

Hmm, I'm not too sure how this one works out because, usually, when a friend is converted into a lover, something is 'lost, quite often the friendship.

I do know of situations where it was mostly a healthy experience for the parties concerned, but the transition from lovers back to friends sometimes left the taste of resentment in the mouths of one or both.

I think you can sleep with your mate, but it's usually best if you don't repeat the experience.

Verdict on Friendship Plus: like gambling, it could be a winning experience, or you might lose everything.

3) The Ex.

This category is by far the most common feeding ground for casual sexual relationships.

I had one relationship - one that ended because of a mis-match in sexual appetites (how politically correct of me) - where, for a while, we slept with each other as much after we separated as we did beforehand.

Warning, danger lurks in these warm, familiar waters, though. As our North Americans cousins would put it, "You need to move on, and get closure and you can't do that whilst you're still doing the, er... Icky McSpicky!" (That last expression is mine (mine I tell you!), but the other sentiments are class American.)

We've probably all slept with our ex. And sometimes it's fun, better, but most times it keeps the wounds open, and fuels future feelings of resentment.

So, piously, I say "Don't do it!"

Verdict on The Ex: like paying for gym membership and not using the gym, we all do it but the costs of our actions only reveals itself after several months!

And, lastly, I come to the category with most promise, but also the one that has the most potential for danger

4) I Don't Want Anything Serious. Really

As I said, I only experience this 'mature' type of casual relationship recently. It certainly intrigued me, and made me realise that girls like doing the Icky McSpicky as much as the boys.

The main problem? Feelings, 'What if?' thoughts and "Where is this going" questions.

I have experience o this category, too - but only for research purposes, I promise!

I had one relationship with a woman(*) a few years ago, who really didn't want to have a serious relationship, but did want to have a close and physical friendship with me (my words, not hers).

I didn't want this type of relationship, but we more or less ended up having it anyway. (Lesson: sometimes casual sexual relationships 'just happen', and are not agreed upon.)

We ended up having a nice time with each other. Maybe we'd see each other once a month, and talk to each other like good friends and the sleep with each other like good lovers.

But do you know what happened in the end?

The woman wondered 'If...', and when I said 'Probably not', our casual relationship ended, as did our friendship (for a while, at leasat).

She wanted more, and probably did from the start.

Verdict on I Don't Want Anything Serious. Really: if men are from Mars and women are from Venus, can they ever really understand each other or does a healthy dose of misunderstanding make the world go round? I'll you decide...


I've talked too much.

As one of my (almost) 'I Don't Want Anything Serious. Really' partners once told me: "A little less conversation, a little more action please!"

Yes, I do think too much. I'm just making up for the lack of thought going on out there, okay!

I do think about casual sex, and whether it can work for me, I do.

But people are complicated, even when they think they're not. So whatever you both say or do or think, one of you may, or probably will, want more.

What happens then?

That is what I think, anyway.

But I am by no means an expert on casual relationships. Just an expert on 'Angst and well, anything really - I just picked casual relationships as rainy Fridays remind me of a time when...

Thank you for reading.

So, if you want to come round for Icky-McSpicky, and don't smell, are reasonably attractive and comfortable with your own (female only, please) body, then... leave a post, cos I'm sure someone on here will oblive you girl!

See ya!

Disclaimer: this is not written for the purposes of communicating to any one person in particular. It is just my thoughts on a wet Friday afternoon. It beats working, dunnit?

No comments: