Today's Message...

Today's message from the Don't Sweat The Small Stuff 2007 calendar is...

"Your time and energy are among your most precious and important assets. It's extremely important to make wise and well-thought-out choices about who you spend your time with."

Actually, this is the message for Sunday Feb. 25 - the day My Author went to Barcelona for a few days.

'Hmm, fascinating,' I heard him think.

Egotick Me

Egotistical?

Moi?

You've been reading the wrong blog!

PS Whilst you're here - would you mind terribly if you EgoTick Me!

Shapeshifters

What are shapeshifters?

I have an idea, but I may well be wrong. So let's see what others think:

• Shapeshifters are characters that play more than one role in a novel (initially a friend to the protagonist, say, that then becomes a foe)
  
  - From the world according to Nick Daws
  
  
• Shapeshifters are a band, man!
  
  - From the world according to Google
  
  
• Shapeshifting is a change in the physical form or shape of a person or animal
  
  - From the world according to Wikipedia
  
  
• Shapeshifters are those who trim themselves to suit everybody [so that they] soon whittle themselves away
  
  - From the misquoted world of Charles Schwab
  
  
• Shapeshifters are...?
  
  - From the world according to YOU

Yes, you the reader, I want to know what you think shapeshifters are. It's important. The world according to Boring John depends on it...

3 Little Words?

I opened one of those random quotations books yesterday, y'know like my mate Ego Fatigo based his (or her, I can't be sure!) website on. Basically, it was offering wisdom in love, and you just had to think of a love-related problem.

So, anyways, these are the three little words that resulted (I did it three times, see):

1. Transition
   
2. Healing
   
3. Get over it

So there you go.

Utter nonsense, as I suspected...

Things

I was looking over the Words Of Another, as is my wont in 2007, and I came across a poem written in 1996. All about change. (Ya don't say.) I think Our Main Man might have just split up from a long-term lover but he's keeping his lips shut at the moment - thinks I'm bullying him a bit too much, right now.

Ah, whatever. This is my world and I'll write what I know and make up anything I don't. As for bullying Mister - you aint seen nuthin yet!

And Suzie? Well, He and she were just friends. It seems that even in 1996 our Main Character wanted to do the right thing rather than simply get some. "When will we ever learn, eh!".

Read on (MacDuff)...

THINGS
(Ode to Suzie,...)

Things Change.
Things grow,
things decay
“Things usually work out!”

Things change.
Things become special,
things just f-a-d-e away
And “some things just never change!”

Things change.
The things you do,
and the things you don’t do
“Things will never be the same again!”

Things, eh!

Me, Myself and I...

A winning combination. Who needs anybody else, eh!

(Hee hee.)

PS Happy Valentine's Day to y'all out there. Let's hope you got that card / text message or email that you were hoping for. Until next time, when the case is sol-ved...

What Women Want

According to leading dating expert Brian Caniglia women are looking for the these qualities in their male partner:

1. Personality
   
2. Physical beauty
   
3. Excitement

Trouble is, according to Brian, they're also looking for these qualities too

1. Confidence
   
2. Mystery
   
3. Respect

What makes this revelation the conundrum that is boy-girl relationships is that one set of qualities are conscious (that is openly expressed) and one set are unconscious (that is inwardly expressed).

I see, thinks Boring John.

So I should stop listening to what women say they want and start listening to what women think they want.

Easy. Innit!

And then I need to improve myself a just a little

Because, as my mate Meatloaf almost once sang, "two out of six aint bad!"

Roses Are Red!...

When I grow up...

Love story? Tragedy? Farce? Or just another boring sitcom repeated on ITV?

[MySpace message: unsent]

Hi You,

I'm not coming to London this weekend!

That means I won't be able to visit you on Sunday evening; which is a pity, because I'd really have liked to have seen you again, in person. (Shit mods or no!) I'm going to arrange another visit to my friend soon, cos I don't like letting him down either. (He lives on Bellenden Rd - know it?)

Still, it's been interesting 'communicating' with you these last few weeks. Looks as though things haven't changed between us much, though; just two more of Shakespeare's players sticking rigidly to their (life) scripts, I guess.

Do you know that it's exactly two years since we last met. So perhaps we shall meet again in two more years, or never even. (Does that sound like tragedy to you? Lol). As it's Valentine's Day soon I shall buy you another red rose; but I shall keep it for meself, this time ;-)

What else shall I do, instead?

Well, I have boxes to move, rooms to reorganise, and lie-ins to indulge in. 'All go' in Yorkie-land for sure, and definitely not boring. And I might do a bit more writing (I actually wrote a new poem, don't you know - 4 lines, but still.)

So now I have to invent some cock n bull story about why I can't come and visit my mate and all his American chums.

Maybe I'll say that I missed my train due to the fact that I was kidnapped by aliens. They forced me to lie awake for several hours and relive several of the worst moments in my life, that made my face twist bitter-and-twistedly. The aliens then hid in my cupboard and played peek-a-boo with my car keys even though I just wanted to go to sleep. And when I looked in the cupboard the aliens had vanished, having sneaked into my car and driven away whilst I was obviously not looking. At the same time they made all the buses vanish too and forced all of the trains to only go from the south to the north making travelling down south, almost impossible.

Or I could just tell him I'm not coming, I don't know yet.

[The fact that I'm finally rewriting this at 18.40 on Sunday means that he already knows that I'm not coming. My friend's smart like that, though he didn't quite understand why the aliens would want to hide in my cupboard...]

Anyways, am sorry we're not going to meet; I just don't have the energy for traipsing down to London right now. (I'm not as used to insomnia as you are.)

Adios guapa

Me

Da Other Guy?

Could this be Da Other Guy I refer to...

(Or is this just yet another lame poem by yet another lame nobody soul!)


Poem 666
========

Queen Bitch
You aint seen
nothin Sis
For I'm the King,
the QB of this dome main

Where are you
first thing?

I... wake with Him;
taunt Him morning,
noon and night.
Make up stories, I do,
'bout You
Who you with, and
why - you're - not - thinking - of - Him

Your twisted and bitter
refrain?
Disdain!
I got fifty better
in my locker,
locked away

I delve deep
into HisStory
Play out his doomed
scenes once more,
(Just in case he forgets)

You help, oh yes
But you're just part of
an extensive life-long
cast-list.
...Just a player
But *I* star,
in the mind of
my Master

I know my Man
I haunt and
I taunt,
like no-one else
can
*I'm* the Queen Bitch

I undermine
I talk back
I demean (LIKE A DAEMON!)

I reduce
I traduce

I keep him alive!
Just so I can do it
all over again

I'm the man,
the Pain Body man

At your service...

If you please...
(IF YOU DON'T PLEASE!)

I'm the devil,
if you will
His precious
3 letters
e.g. (?) Oh!

Or try this 4-letter word:
Fear

I know You too...

I know your curse...

(Charmed... I'll
be round Yours soon!)

And Finally...

All is not well in the world of Boring John.

Not only does what he write have to be read in the wrong order -- And Finally, should come after the two Boring John posts [perhaps there's a setting I can set? Ed.] -- but now he finds out that Some Other Guy is using his words, his thoughts and ideas, too.

Some Other Guy?

I like to call him Da Other Guy and here's the proof.

Thankfully I got an inkling of what was happening yesterday and messed with his karma man. I messed with his karma. Hee hee.

Who's writing what and why, is what I'd like to know. And fast. Yes, this post qualifies as Tosh for sure...

Boring John Still Looking For...

Inspiritation

Another Amazon.co.uk review, this time of Abby Lee's Girl with a One Track Mind

Whilst the use of such a limited selection of words may work fine for a diary or blog, a book demands more variety. The subject matter becomes irrelevant when the writing style is so lacklustre.

There is hope yet, in Boring John's mind, for this year's small project. :-)

As for Abby Lee, she's gone done did it, despite the comments of the reviewer above who was (clearly) disappointed. "Did I read a different book?" he complains in his review. Ouch.

Boring John is looking for a story?

Could it be be based around something like this?

"If you have problems around, self worth, relationships, proving yourself, fitting in, people pleasing or a part or you that you keep hidden this book will find it and give you the tools to over come it."

- Taken from a Amazon.co.uk customer review of Reinventing Your Life

Change?

I'm all for change, I really am, but what does change actually mean?

For example, does change mean doing the things you don't want to do (as stipulated in my 2007 New Year Resolutions)? Or does it mean changing how you think about the things you don't want to do so that you do want to do them? Or does it mean allowing yourself not to do those things you don't want to without giving it another thought?

And, whilst you're thinking about this, I have another question for you:

• why do some people think too much, whilst others don't think enough?

Insomnia?

This morning I woke up and went to the bathroom; I then looked at my watch and it said: 2:57

Hmm.

After much tossing, turning and gnashing of the gnashers, I looked at my watch and it said: 3:39

Hmm.

"I wanna go to bloody sleep!"

I looked again at my watch, and it said: 4:45. Then 5.13

"Fooks sake!"

Why?

Well my "Don't sweat the small stuff" calendar entry for Thursday February 8th might yield a clue. It said: "If you can let go of the past, free yourself from it -- your resentments, judgements, concerns, anger, boredom and frustration -- you'll open the door to a brand-new beginning."

Either that, or you'll get a good night's sleep.

Pay attention!

Attention (to detail) is needed to be a good writer, just as it is needed to be a good listener and a good lover.

So it would follow that a good writer would be a good lover. Wouldn't it?

More Regurgitated Words

The World According To Boring John is taking shape; somewhere else, not here though.

The process has begun; the book has begun.

And here are some words, some regurgitated words, that did not make it (so far, anyway)

• Girl eats Boy
  Boy leaves girl
  Girl eats Boy again
  Girl is sick
  
• Miss Smilla's feeling for stuff that is white as
  
• Ronnie Corbett Ate My Hamster

Why the Crinkly Face?

Crinkly face? Sour faced trout?
What's that about?

Hey, it's only a Red Rose,
ya Sourpuss Mush?

(Hee hee.)

"Life is a crock of pstrąg"

Pstrag: a predatory fish that eat other fish

Yes, Polskis really do have it much worse than Yorkies

Fleshy enough for ya?

I just visited an interesting website called My Penis and I

It tries to nail down the truth as to whether penis size matters when it comes to sex and pleasure. Unfortunately, there is not enough flesh on the website bones to decide (pardon the puns) one way or another.

Just have to watch the (short?) film, I guess.

"I'm not cool!"

I'm not cool

I'm not cool

I'm not cool

I wanna be cool but I'm not

(Repeat)

I APOLOGISE!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I apologise.

For every time I pissed you off, stood you up, made you feel second best, didn't get your joke, didn't flatter you or 'had a cow, man', I apologise.

For those times I dumped on you, rejected you, didn't listen to you or overreacted to what you'd said, I apologise.

For the odd time I ignored you, hurt your feelings, laughed when I should have cried, hugged you when I shouldna touched you, I apologise

For those things I did wrong that I didn't realise I'd done wrong, or those things I don't remember no more, I apologise.

I apologise for apologising too much.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Right?

Can we start again. Can we? C-a-n w-e s-t-a-r-t a-g-a-i-n ?

Can we draw a line under this?

It's not going to be perfect from here on in, but I will stop saying sorry.

Agreed?

Okay?

I'm sorry.

Let's move on...

(Cos soon we'll all be dead.)

And then we'll both be sorry.

What's the point of Boring John?

Hmm, time for a little bit of introspection methinks. A little bit more than usual, actually. So what's the point of Boring John?

Well, Boring John is a fictional character that provides the author a vehicle to express himself. I guess. Obviously the author doesn't agree with everything that appears on here. (Which bits does he agree with and which bits does he think are tosh? Ah, that's for him to know and for you to find out!) I find Boring John amusing, though. Do you?

But Boring John is more than that. It's an opportunity for the author to write. And in the absence of the development of a first novel, writing blog entries up here will have to do.

So, in that vein, here are some of the author's notes, scribbled almost illegibly onto a scrap of A4 paper about some guy or other...

(A)

As he grew up he thought little about it. When he was a teenager girls just didn't look. But when he was in his twenties, when some girls looked (but not the ones he wanted to) he decided he would only marry a woman when he truly, truly, truly knew that he would not want to look any more. (That's a lot of 'truly's.)

(B)

"What can you write a novel about?" she asked, sneeringly

Life, love, anything... something.

But the ridicule continued. "You have not lived! You have not experienced! You have not done!"

No?

Doing is not necessary to write my name but thinking is. Yes thinking, imagining, trying to understand - I do a lot of that.

My only ambition after writing and seeing this book published is that she - Ellie - reads the book. She won't though, or if she does she'll find it dull. [She's forgotten about it already. She's moved on. She's worrying about her own life, her own goals, (the Iraq war) and certainly won't remember that time when she was a little too quick to dismiss someone else's dream. Get over it. - Ed.]

(C)

This is not a history of love, Nicole, but thanks for sharing. This is the story of how one little boy finally squares the circle of love.

(D)

Once upon a time there was a boy whose Mum and Dad fell out of love. They divorced. He was six. He then decided that he would never ever, ever, ever divorce his wife. And that would mean he would have to be really, really, really sure he married the right woman