Changes - PS

"Let me know when you are free and I will be happy to share my thoughts on transformations and changes etc. and I promise I will not wave some mistletoe in your face in my feeble-as-usual effort to get a Christmas kiss. I will drink beer in an alluring manner, though; I've been practicing. Lol"

Attaboy!

Changes

Changes happen every second of every minute of every day. That's life, baby! But, despite this, some personal changes just don't happen or they don't happen fast enough. Now I can live with not possessing a Bill Clintonesque charisma, but the other stuff below... well, it's got to change.

Welcome to my changes. And, yes, they're timed to begin happening on Jan 1st, 2007

Change #1 - start treating my work as a business, and not as work

Change #2 - stop worrying about my love life; just do it (thank you Nike, but I still won't be wearing the shoes !)

Change #3 - stop worrying about anything, especially offending other people (hey I offend people whilst worrying about not offending them, so I might as well not worry about it!)

Change #4 - start being more direct with the opposite sex (this combines changes #2 and #3)

Change #5 - stop planning, start doing

So what's going to change in your world in 2007?

Do tell!

Little Boy talking...

Sometimes little boys try to help little girls.

Sometimes, this is not because little boys are weak and feeble and always trying to please.

Sometimes this is not because little boys are trying to control, to gain, to obtain.

Sometimes this is not for the wrong reason (nor the right).

Sometimes - quite simply - little boys try to help little girls

http://www.squidoo.com/search/results/little%20boys

A New Year Approaches!

Thank f***!

I can't wait for this year to end and for the new one, the new me, to begin...

Oh yes!

What's Jane Austin doing here?

"Why not seize the pleasure at once? How often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparation!"

- Jane Austen

Erm, Jane, can I get back to you on that in a little while! I've just go to...

Ego Fatigo

Interesting character that Ego Fatigo; hangs with some interesting types indeed.

Just overheard this conversation between Ego Fatigo and one Goethe no less

"Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is; treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be."

(Do you think now is not the time to interrupt 'em to see if they want one of me Terry's All Gold then? Yum, yum more for me I guess!)

Raindrops keep falling on me head!

Great song, eh (and from a great movie too)!

Actually... actually, I did get wet today but I'm not going to tell you why because getting wet puts you in that sort of mood really. I'm sure you understand. And if you don't. Tough t*ts!
Yes, tough tots to you matey boy, because I'm feelin like a wet one (and not in a good sense) and so I just don't bloomin' well care who I offend today. Oh no I don't... (It's pantomine season. Already.)

By the way, in case you didn't realise it, the above is what's known as tosh!

What! You can do better? Show me!

Am I a classic castration candidate...

i.e. sensitive, well-intentioned and weak?

(Don't answer that!)

Coming or Going?

I don't know whether I'm coming or going?

Y'see, should I live here in Blogger world, or here in Boring John Myspace world ?

(Don't have many friends in either! Lol)

Are You A Psychic Vampire?

- http://healing.about.com/cs/energyhealing/a/aa_vampires.htm

I thought so! Bugger off will ya, and leave me alone. There's only so much Lucozade Isotonic fluids a boy can drink.

No wonder I'm in bed be ten these days. ('Appen Mr Wilkes. 'Appen!.)

Clear off the lot of ya!

What I Want For Christmas!

I want to solve all of the world's problems. Am I being too ambitious? Should I, instead, sort myself out first? Or how about if I started with you and your problems... "Tell me about your childhood"

Confessions Of A Little Boy

Dear G

This might sound a bit of a big drama, but...

I think I see what my problem is, now (after our chat). It's a big one, too, I think. I fear being with a girl, any girl, where I might get rejected, again; where what I want is ignored.

For some reason that really, really scares me! :-(

Yes, it makes me scared. I just don't know what to what to do about it. Because, obviously, I will never be able to have a long relationship with a lady unless I am ready to do things without worrying about it going wrong.

I think it's all because my Mum left my Dad when I was younger. Dunno. I can't remember much about it, what happened or anything - the memories are already buried away. First thing I can remember is living in someone else's house with someone else's family in a place called Linthwhaite. Mum had only just left him, then. I was five.

So even simple stuff like 'taking things as they come', even these words frighten me. Cos what if something goes wrong!? It might do, you never know.

And, as you know, I really don't like upsetting people because... well, I guess I'm frightened they might leave me or get mad at me.

So I try and please, so they don't get cross; I try and please people, girls, and I try not to complain, try to be good, but after a while I just get so mad inside that it all boils over. And then they leave me or I leave them. Like what happened with you and me.

Sorry.

Thanks for chatting a while ago, though. I think it did help. It helped me see that sometimes I'm nothing more than a scared little boy who doesn't want it to go wrong again.

BJ x

I Don't Fancy You Anymore...

Clare Grogan!

:-(

But I guess I look older these days too

I Like Me!

(Or, if I were chocolate I'd eat myself!)

I like me. I mean I like my blog. I sometimes re-read my world and I think 'I like you mate, you're alright'.

But then I like *me* so why is it a surprise that I like reading my blog! (Hey, someone's gotta!) Others like me too; they think I'm cool, different, interesting. And in return, I like them. That seems to be the deal, anyway. Yes, I much prefer them to the people that think I'm a dull slap-head who takes life far too seriously and doesn't even wear blue jeans.

Hey, they do have a point. I don't wear blue jeans, that often. (Do you?)

Being different, however, means that maybe you don't have that David Beckham appeal. But then I can live with that. Really. I wouldn't want to swap with him for a million pounds. Erm, okay, two million. If you insist. But there would have to be a quickie divorce. (Yes, that would be the only quickie (or slowie!) there would have to be.)

The great thing about my not wanting to be David Beckham is that I'm pretty sure that he would not want to be me, Boring John. So it's a win-win attitude all round, I think. He gets to stay rich and famous and desirable to millions and I get to be me, interesting and different, and desirable to a select, discerning few.

Aint life marvellous how it arranges things so that we all get to be who we are!

Yes I can safely say I'm my biggest fan.

Aren't you, yours?

5

A character I know quite a lot about was running in the rain last night, at the end of a six mile run. Almost back at his running club, and seemingly for no reason at all, he just shouts out the number "Five!", clear as you like. He then trailed off with "six, seven, eight"

Bit strange, really.

Wonder if it had anything to do with the hulking articulated lorry that sped close by him on the road at the time.

Was he trying to tell himself something?

Or is five just a number (another summer, sound of the funky drummer)?

Bad attitude?

"You're not a black man!"

"You're not an English man!"

"You're not a real man!"

Really?

And how would you all know?

For your information, I am a mixed race English man. It is not my problem that I don't fit in with your narrow-minded stereotypes, is it!

And another thing!

I did not get my hair done at the hairdressers (far too expensive!). I did not twirl it myself (I'm far too lazy for that!). Yes, that means my dread locks did grow naturally. I'm not style-conscious enough for it to be any other way.

Actually, I am conscious of style. I just don't care for being a follower of fashion and for people who don't know the difference!

It really does make me mad when...

More "Mierda de Toro"?

Well... okay, if you insist!

(How can a lil boy like me refuse the one and only Agent Bhangra!)

Watch this space! And if you really want more, you could always subscribe --->>>

What's that! What's that you say?

"cicha woda brzegi rwie :)"

Hey, is that really something you should be saying to me of all people?

(Wouldn't you have a crinkly face if I could actually read Polish?)

PS Did you like the answer to your problem, then? I brought out the big guns to solve it! ;-)
PPS It's mierda del toro, by the way! Isn't it?

Who am I talking about?

"She had the power of inspiring love, almost anywhere. Forget about making strong men weep. Seven-stone pacifists shouldered their way through street riots to be home in case she called. Family men abandoned sick children to wait in the rain outside her flat. Semi-literate builders and bankers sent her sonnet sequences. She pauperized gigolos, she spayed studs, she hospitalzed heartbreakers. They were never the same again, they lost their heads."

Are you a headless man, then. Do you recognise the woman?

Or, worse, do you have the power to behead?

So who am I talking about?
(See p21 of Marting Amis' London Fields to find out!)

More blimmin thoughts!

Change

"Why am I so happy to accept my exterior environment, so disinterested in changing it, yet I seem almost obsessed with needing to understand and to change (or improve) my interior environment?

"Wouldn't it be so much easier if it were the opposite? Then I could just subscribe to a monthly magazine called Home Improvements or something, and head off to B&Q on the weekend like so many other people seem to do week in, week out."

Random thought of the day

Don't you just hate it when this happens! You're minding your own business when, bam!, you find yourself tuned into someone else's thoughts, someone else's fears. It wouldn't be so bad if they were sexy thoughts, or sexy fears, but no! Instead...

"... I guess I have kept the drama alive over the years, so part of me could feed off the pain

"I've dallied with internet dating, for example, so I could be distracted (and have some excitement in my life) and so I could add to my complex layers of guilt (morning after the excitement before).

"Why do you I don't want to succeed?

"Why am I holding myself back?

"Why do I still believe that life is difficult, life is hard, when it's really as easy, easy, easy as you want it to be?

"So why do I want life to be hard?

"Why am I fascinated by my so-called nemesis? I am far more negative a force in my life than any imaginary foe, any queen bitch..."

Grim stuff, eh!

It gets even worse.

He starts reciting a blimmin poem! I'd click away now, if I were you. It's a shocker...

Poem 666
========

Queen Bitch
You aint seen
nothin Sis
For I'm the King,
the QB of this dome main

Where are you
first thing?

I... wake with Him;
taunt Him morning,
noon and night.
Make up stories, I do,
'bout You
Who you with, and
why - you're - not - thinking - of - Him

Your twisted and bitter
refrain?
Disdain!
I got fifty better
in my locker,
locked away

I delve deep
into HisStory
Play out his doomed
scenes once more,
(Just in case he forgets)

You help, oh yes
But you're just part of
an extensive 41-year
cast-list.
...Just a player
But *I* star,
in the mind of
my Master

I know my Man
I haunt and
I taunt,
like no-one else
can
*I'm* the Queen Bitch

I undermine
I talk back
I demean (LIKE A DAEMON!)

I reduce
I traduce

I keep him alive!
Just so I can do it
all over again

I'm the man,
the Pain Body man

At your service...

If you please...
(IF YOU DON'T PLEASE!)

I'm the devil,
if you will
His precious
3 letters
e.g. (?) Oh!

Or try this 4-letter word:
Fear

I know You too...

I know your curse...

(Charmed... I'll
be round Yours soon!)

:-O

Eating the monkey!

Actually that should be eating the frog!

(Eating the monkey is an altogether different experience, not without its own benefits.)

Basically, eating the frog is about doing the stuff you don't like and doing it first rather than last. Doing it first means it doesn't get to cast a murky shadow over the rest of the day as you worry about doing it later. Doing it first means it's done and you can now get onto doing the nice stuff, energised even, in some cases!)

Come to think of it, maybe eating the monkey is not that different to eating the frog. Eh, ladies? ;-)

Anyway, today I'm going to start eating the frog each and every day! Yum, yum in my tum!

Nemesis?

(1) Agent Bhangra

versus

Ego Vertigo?

(2) 'Visible, present and unable to go unnoticed' ?

(3) Ego against alter ego?

Who knows! I also do not have a clue! (Hee hee!)

I said 'God damn'!

...I'm the greatest

ego vertego

in the world,

baby!

Fun, anyone?

Tada!

Presenting...

The eight irresistible principles of fun!

(D'oh! Oh why oh why oh why have I resisted fun for so long!)

Tuning in to random thoughts!

"What an interesting (and nice woman) she is.

"So why are my thoughts straying to lascivious endeavours?"

I dunno either, dood. Can you keep yer blimmin thoughts to yerself, I'm trying to be a good guy! Ommmm!

Myspace or yours?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Happy Birthday To Me!

I am one year old today!

Well the blog is.

Well, the birthday was yesterday actually.

Well, okay, Nov 21st to be precise!

Fictional Characters

Boring John is not real.

And if he sounds like a person you know, then you are mistaken.

As it says in the movies:

• "All references in [this blog] are purely fictional and any resemblance to persons or places, actual or fictional, is purely accidental"

Just so's you know!

What's Wrong With Mr Anonymous?

Mr Anonymous Says...

You know that man that looked at you nicely the other day; your favourite lover, with that glint in his eye; your loving husband; that man you really thought it would work out with, but it didn't; that great male friend of yours; HIM!

Let's call HIM Mr Anonymous.

Well he has something to say to you, Mr Anonymous, are you listening?

He tells me that he loves you, cherishes you; respects you too, finds you sexy - that way that you do that thing. I know you don't believe him, but it's true.

You inspire him.

You inspire him to be stronger, more reliable; more committed to his life, his loves, his friends.

You inspire him to earn more, to care more and show respect; to communicate.

You inspire him to listen, to learn, to laugh and to trust. And he's never had as much fun as when you and he, y'know, squealed and squealed that day.

Thanks to you he loves to flaunt his smiling eyes and show off his body - the firm bits as well as the soft bits.

You inspire him to share. You matter. To him. It's true!

You always have mattered, despite those troubled days, those lows, caused by unending argument; the ugly frowns, the sulky sighs.

He will never forget. You.

Make sure you keep on believing in him. Because he is out there, he really is.

He is not a perfect man (looking for a perfect woman) and he is not always that easy to understand, to read; but he is a real man, like you are a real woman.

A real person.

Mr Anonymous, Mr Real, he says 'hello!'. And he thanks you for remembering, if only for a moment; whichever moment you choose.

So who, again, is Mr A?

Well, he might be the first man you thought of as you read this. Or maybe he's the last person in the world you'd imagine him to be. Maybe you have yet to meet him; he may be waiting to bump into you on the street, right now.

Mr Anonymous is whoever you want him to be.

He's real.

He exists.

He says 'hello'.

Bad Science (continued...)

Homeopathy

Dismissed as bad science by those conditioned to think classically about stuff, homeopathy is loved by those that have experienced the medical benefits.

So I like to think that homeopathy is just science you don't understand (I'm talking to the doubters now, the "show me the proof"-ers). Or, the science of placebo. (We foolishly underestimate the power and potential of our minds. And this is the clever-clogs 21st century, too!)

And I have no problem believing that homeopathy works. Even if it doesn't. Even if it's just a powerful form of auto-suggestion. After all, what matters most is that people get better -- whatever reason you wish to attribute to this success is up to you -- not that homeopathy can be proven to work in laboratory tests.

Or is methodology really that much more important than results?

(I once told a science-loving friend that I was going to write a book called Science is Not My GOD. You know, I don't think he even registered what I was trying to say.

Obviously, I am more than happy with obeying the laws of physics (though I do occasionally fly home from work if the traffic is a bit thick) but that does not mean I am an unquestioning slave to the logic, reasoning and dismissal of anything that cannot be proved that is science. Talk to a Christian about the Bible and you will find an equally rigid response to any questioning of the meanings that they take from The Good Book.

The fact that I can lump both these groups together is actually quite ironic - they tend not to have much overlap, see! Or is that moronic? So hard to tell these days. Let me do some tests...)

Hello Empty Heads!

Are you an Empty Head?

Please read this to see if you qualify!

"If you are a member of the "if you haven't done anything wrong, what have you got to fear" brigade you probably haven't thought about the issues very hard. It's as simple as that.When you regurgitate such empty-headed nonsense you reveal not just your lack of thought but your lack of awareness of history and your lack of imagination.You are to be pitied.If, on the other hand, you HAVE thought about it then what you are in favour of is totalitarianism.You are to be feared."
Source: BBC Website forum

So, are you?

I couldn't have put it better myself, by the way!

"if you haven't done anything wrong, what have you got to fear"

If you believe in this stock response to the Government's ever-increasing desire to accumulate information about everyone, anything and everything, then I have one question:

do you know what civil liberties are?

Then why are you so happy to throw them away?

I do not trust this government (or any for that matter) to use this information properly.

I value my privacy and I wish you did.

But most of all, I wish people (like you?) would simply think before opening their empty-headed mouths!

(That's better.)

Jokes

Welcome to my jokes page

Or rather my rant about jokes page. Rant? Yes, jokes are not funny and I don't understand why people think that they are.

Example joke!

A bloke walks into a pub and sees Van Gogh standing at the bar.
"Hi Van, can I get you a drink?"
"No thanks, I got one ear."

See! Bloody not funny.

I watched that Peter Kay live once. Very funny man. Part of his very funny routine - "gar-lic bread!" - was telling a couple of jokes.

Yes, we laughed, cos his jokes were crap. If he'd have stood up there and told a load of jokes I'd have left straight away. I'd have heckled first, obviously, with the witty and un-putdownable

"Gerrof! You're rubbish"

But then I'd have left.

He didn't do that, because...

Jokes -- are -- not - funny!

Period.

You know different?

Okay, please do send me your funny jokes to prove me wrong. Here's my email address

NotOnYourNelly@JokesAreNOTFunnyHoney.com

:-)

(In American speak, that's equivalent to.... NOT!)

Jokes
are
not
funny

Not blonde jokes.

Not text message jokes

Not even jokes that are funny.

Life is funny.

A story well told is funny.

Exploding conkers is funny.

Loads of things are funny.

But not freakin jokes.

Allright!

Are we clear! Here!

Now move along. And if you want to break out into a Monty Python Funny Walk that's fine. If you want to say "Bob" with a particular emphasis on the b (a la Blackadder) that's fine. If just you just wanna say "D'oh!" then that's fine, too. But no jokes. They're not funny. Okay?

:-)

Don't you just love it when this happens

37) They laughed at me when I told them that The Simpsons were not a disfunctional family.

(If the clever bods at The Observer agree with me, then that's good enough for me.

• 37) Those critics who got it wrong at the start by billing the Simpsons as 'America's most dysfunctional family.' It's now clear that Homer almost always ends up doing the right thing; it is, it could be argued, one of the most moral shows on television today. According to Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams: 'It's one of the most subtle pieces of propaganda around in the cause of sense, humility and virtue.'

YES!

And bloody Aled Jones did not sing Walking In The Air in the film The Snowman, but he did have a top 10 hit with it.)

Bonkers Conkers!

Please don't, laugh too much!

Someone I know very well tells me he had a bit of a shocking kitchen experience, today. He tells me... well this is what he said:

"Please don't laugh too much!

"I'm not sure what you're meant to do with conkers (horse chestnuts) but I tried to [bake] them in my oven just now and - twenty minutes later - several exploded when I brought them out of the oven.

"Chestnut mess everywhere, I can tell you!

"And a non-Superman-like somewhat shell-shocked me trying to move the remaining potential bombs to a safer place.

"Ea-sy!

"Is this normal?"

Tee hee hee!

(Apparently you're suppose to roast chestnuts, not bake them, and only once you've pricked their shell. They don't do ovens very well, it seems. Get a bit antsy, they do, often leading to somewhat explosive behaviour!)

Who Lives Here?

Who would want to live here?



Or here, where there are few, if any, people of different nationalities living?



Or here, where the trees replace the people and there's wide open spaces rather than narrow streets filled with stalls, and shops and great places to eat, sleep and laugh?



Erm, I would!

How do you let a boy down, gently!

A boy I know, I won't say who - anonymity is the theme for today (you see!) - has very recently been trying to 'get some' with a woman he blew out a few months ago. (By the way, when he says 'blew out' he means 'got bored with waiting for her to be available' after a promising first 'hot kissing in the car park after' date and a 'limpish, hmm limpish' follow up a few days later.)

Now he may be a boy, but he's certainly a man when it comes to being affilicted by not being ruled by the head, sometimes. Naturally he only tells me this after a few beers, a bottle of whisky and we're started on the vodka. In these days of equality (?), he confesses that he has sometimes not even been ruled by his heart. (Shame on him.)

[This was meant to be a short and punchy piece about 'how you dump someone', not a load of guff about hearts and heads. Just use the word, man - he's ruled by his dick! Ed]

As I was saying, ahem!, he wasn't that into her (and he knew *he* wasn't really her type, either) but he really did want to kiss her again. So he signed up to the dating sites where they met (he'd deleted her numbers and emails ages back, right!) and cut to the chase...

Internet dating messages...

then Windows Messenger...

and then, finally, an email.

(Not too clever my friend, as if he could contact her via IM then he had her email address and he really didn't need to open up the Pandoras Box* that is Soulmates. "D'oh!" as his favourite TV character would say.)

Now it could have gone several ways, so he tells me, but it didn't! See below. But it got me thinking, in these days of almost unlimited choice when it comes to dating, how do you actually go about telling someone that isn't quite what you want that he (or she) is not quite what you want!

Obviously, silence and ignoring them works. Always has done, and always will. But that is not my style - it's shabby, it's cowardly, it's weak. It's also not the style of my friend, either - the *he* that I'm referring to.

Apparently if you just come on all strong, emotionally and everything, and tell the woman how much you love her, and need her, and can't wait to see her again and you also ask about 'Dave', her friend, and ask who he is, and wonder why she likes going for a lunchtime drink with him, and get all sulky about it when she won't stop having a lunchtime drink with him - that works too!

Takes far too long, though, eh!

Or...

you could try these lines:

"I am flattered by your interest in me! You are a lovely, charming and funny guy...great company. But....that is it. Sorry!"

"Masterful. Women. The great communicators."

That's what my friend said to me just moments ago. And you know what, today, I have to agree with him.

(*) I meant this

British Bloggers, Unite!

If you're reading this before Dec. 9th, 2006 then you may well not be wasting your time, particularly if you're a blogger and you live in Britian. Why so? Well, that's the date that many bloggers will be meeting in London (perhaps Covent Garden). Click here for details! Oh, I mean here

If you're reading this after Dec. 9th, 2006. I have a question for you:

Why?

(Are you expecting some kind of killer punchline! Tch, tch! You really should know better by now! ;-) )

More mythical creatures

- http://www.TheMythsMovie.com

Your Idea Of Fun?

I asked a woman friend of mine (in search of a husband) who I should be on the lookout for whilst out in a bar, and this is her text message response:

sexy, nice cook, nice to women, & goes like a train ha ha ha ;-) internet marketers preferred!!! Gsoh and likes fluffy bunnies

Whaddya think?

Does this kinda man exist?

Or are we back to Prince Charming Theories again?

Today is Saturday...

don't you know!

What Do I know About... Rape

What do I know about rape?

Very little.

I'm a male and males don't tend to get raped they tend to do the raping! (Hmm, obviously I am not a rapist and I abhor rape.)

One thing I do know a little bit about is the perception of rape. I think a lot of men think that rape is much less prevalent than the 'figures suggest' and a lot of women think it is much, much more prevalent than the suggested figures. I'm in the second camp, here.

Rape is quite often the case of one person's word against another and is therefore very difficult to prove. It doesn't mean that no rape occurred, though. (Nor does it mean that no 'false claim' was made, either. Read on.)

That's why it annoys me when false claims of rape get so much prevalence in the news (see this Judge jails 'wicked liar' article in The Guardian, for an example). What we have here is evidence that women do occasionally make up false rape claims, but it's not countered by the fact (I say fact loosely, obviously, as we're in the land of perception, here!) that men rape women an awful lot more times than women make up false claims about rape.

We rarely see reports of rape convictions, but the convictions of 'false rape claims' make headline news.

This uneven reporting, to me, simply confirms the fact (to many, especially me) that most rape either doesn't really happen or it isn't really rape. (Not really rape? That's something else I know little about other than men and women seem to have very different views on what rape actually is.)

If it frustrates me, how must women whose lives are affected by it, feel?

What do I know?

Nothing. Much.

I am still here!

...in case you were wondering!

(But now I have gone!)

"Stay hungry! Stay foolish"

[and] don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice"

I hear ya, Steve! I hear ya!

My World...

My world is going to get organised, very soon. I'm going to be able to label my sometimes-daily thoughts depending on what I happen to be talking about. Some suggested labels may already be coming to your mind, perhaps

Tosh
More Tosh, and
Tosh, Tosh, Lots of Tosh

I think I know what you *mean* and will perhaps come up with categories a little more meaningful to everyone else. What do you say! How about...

Love
Feelings, and
Sex

Watch this space!

Riddler?

"There are 3 woman. A blonde. A brunette. and a red head. Which do i
choose and why is that a good decision? P.S.which one will get me some."

As my good ol' friend Ego Fatigo would say...

"To see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it."

He also said: "Tch! What a plonker!"

Have you ever...?

Have you ever run out of things to say, then posted a link to somewhere else just to meet your 'posting requirements'?

No, I haven't either!

(Bloomin' egos - who needs 'em!)

Men honest after orgasm?

I heard it said somewhere (can't find where!) that men achieve a state of emotional honesty (I'm making this expression up, sorry!) in the few minutes straight after they orgasm.

That's not to say that they don't tell lies straight after - yeah, you are the best baby (lol) - it's to say that they don't tell lies to themselves.

I can vouch for this.

Yes, Boring John is a man!

And he has had a few orgasms. (Only for research purposes, of course!)

Life is like a...

bad repeat on TV.

Hey, okay I just don't know what life is like. But I do know what love is like

"Love is like a... butterfly"

Life is like a...

(Bollox. Not that 'Groundhog Day' feeling again!)

Life is like a...

Forrest Gump does not live here, so there are no chocolates.

Instead, and this is a thought I've had recently, how to live your life is similar to how to write a novel.

Let me explain (the unexplainable).

Each day we learn something new about ourselves. We may then review what we have learned, what we have done up to that point, and start (another) rewrite, or we may just ignore this new information for another time.

Learning new stuff can confuse the author, whether she be the author of a novel or the author of a life.

Not getting it? Okay, what happens when you argue, fiercely. Why someone gives you a character assassination that's what! We are all characters on Shakespeare's stage.

Allright it's tenuous. It's muddled. It's a great example of "it's lunchtime so just write it" thinking. I know what I mean, but not clearly enough to explain it to you.

I'll get back to the choccies shall I?

Hand 'em over, Forrest, I think that's your bus coming!

Ronnie Corbett Ate My Hamster!

(Again.)

and thus begins an adventure in post-modernist clap-trap cunningly disguised as the inner workings of my friend's mind.

Meta fiction? What's that then?

And did you ever laugh at one of Ronnie Corbett's jokes?

The thrill of the chase?

Apparently we men love the thrill of the chase.

We love to chase the object of our desire more than we love to win that object.

I have never subscribed to this view. However, I have chased women in the past, only to not be bothered once I had won them over.

So am I contradicting myself? Am I completely self-unaware? Or does the woman's attitude whilst being chased change once she has been seduced. Does it change from attractive, and self-respectful to needy and overly demanding?

I know that I don't like chasing, and feel somewhat bemused that I have obviously 'chased' (or tried to get back) and then dumped on at least one occasion.

The fact that the woman changes as soon as she's in a relationship is my defence, m'lud. I am not a chaser!

[To be continued...]

Who Wants To Be A Nice Guy?

According to Joseph Matthews being nice is being selfish.

And I have to agree with him. (Actually reminds me of an earlier thought (of mine) about people who are shy: yes, shy people are selfish people, too.)

This is Joseph says, and I quote:

Here is the typical thought process of Nice Guys:

• "Don't disagree with me! It's not fair because I do so much for you!!!"
• "Please be sympathetic and comfort me when I'm upset! I'm needy and can't comfort myself."
• "Always be in a good mood. I am always trying to make you happy and if I can't, I feel ashamed and mad at you!"
• "Pay attention to me when I need it! I've earned it after all I've done for you!!!!"
• "Take care of me by doing what I'm afraid to do! I take care of you, so you need to return the favor!!!!"

Now that is someone who doesn't seem so nice now, eh!

So I say wise up Nice Guys, wise up!

Do nice guys finish last?

If I wasn't a virtual character, made up by somebody else, then I would have a typically witty (?) BJ response.

Instead, I'll let Him speak for himself: "Oh dear!"

Are you busy?

Are you busy enough?

Couldn't you squeeze just a little bit more into your day, if you really, really tried? Then you could be really, really proud of yourself. And then, like the drunken man who regularly drinks too much and proudly proclaims the next day that he got hammered/trolleyed/out of my head/legless etc., you could wittily wonder why God only made days to last for 24 hours.

Yes, it's important to be busy, busy, busy. No time for rest, or relaxation or having time for people. We simply must 'press on', and be seen to be doing so.

As for me, I will busy myself on more appropriate expressions of busy-ness.

I mean, "I don't know where the time goes, I really don't" is a bit lame, isn't it.

(Trouble is, I'm too busy right now. And I'm too busy to even make this piece read better, right now. I know what I mean, and if I had the time I really would like to explain it properly to you. But. Gotta go! Stuff to do. Etc.)

Bang, bang, bang (for Your eyes only!)

Pink, Vodka, Ice -- Does It Do What It Says On The Tin?

(Our Story continues one Sunday afternoon...)

Dear fan of bang, bang, bang,

If you were that bothered about the three b's then you would have accepted my invitation to visit implicit in a previous entry.

I'm happy not to talk or ask questions or do anything that displeases.

I can do strong, silent type. (Well I can at least do the silent type!)

I would even hide the couscous and vegetables and stock up on red meat and vodka.

I would have even been happy to let ya book a hotel room in London too, except I did that once already!

Ego Vertigo?

Is it really Ego Vertigo of me to think that you would still be interested in such a meeting? Hmm, I can think of appropriate insults to slap my face with, but arrogant really doesn't fit.

Surely those with a bang, bang, bang philosophy still need to appeal to their largest sexual organ.

Anyway, I await your succinct reply.

And, as usual, I expect the unexpected.

:-*

bJ

PS I am not trying to score points, here; I'm just trying to score (one last time!)

Have you ever seen the blog of a goddess?

No, neither have I, but this blog is the 97th most popular on Technorati (apparently).

If I'd been to this particular woman's blog no doubt I'd be able to bitch about this or moan about that, but I haven't see, so I couldn't possibly comment on her much more popular world...


Okay, I admit it, I'm just bitter that no-one visits (and reads) this blog; that this blog is invisible to Technorati, let alone ranked; that no-one seems interested in the blog of a boring one.


(Why am I not famous already?)

;-)

I can read your mind

(Oh yes I can! ;-) )

"Express Yourself!"

Express Yourself!




(Well go on, then!)

The fog is starting to clear, at last...

and I say "yay" to that.

(Let's get out there and have a game of footty!)

Reconcilliations

Normally I prefer to write about 'him' and 'her' and not me (the world famous Boring John. You think I'm joking about Boring John's fame? He's famous in my world, baby! Ya get me!)

Anyway, *I* met someone on Saturday that I haven't seen for nearly a year, for one of those reconcilliation-type gigs.

My very long day started at 4.30am, and I rode my bicycle into town in time for the 6.16am train headed for Manchester. I arrived in Banbury at 10am, and met my friend at Cafe Quay at 11am. I left Banbury at 7pm and arrived home at about 11.30pm (thanks to a friend who let me put my bike in her car).

I was very nervous.

Yes, it was just another one of those boy-girl friendships that became something more, and then became something very much less (spectacularly so!). One of those 'how could you let it happen' situations that it's easy to be glib, smug and wiser than wise about, when it's not you involved.

But it was me involved, and I had those 'I need the loo now' anxiety blues! (Thanks, Morrisons supermarket. You keep a fine Gents.)

It wasn't a nice feeling. (The reconcilliation went well, though.)

It got me thinking about another, more famous, reconcilliation that took place between two people I know on May 3rd, 2004. There was no nervousness, I'm told, just the feeling that the protagonists were bit-part players (for a moment) in one of those fantastical movies, y'know like The Fisher King.

And then it got me thinking about reconcilliations, full stop...

People sometimes just don't get on.

That's because, borne out of their own pain, people can behave quite horribly to each other.

People can act out their neuroses and fear, often in all innocence, and fail to understand how antagonistic and unwelcome their behaviour is.

However, and this is a 'feel good' story after all (at least to me), as long as there can be reconcilliation and forgiveness there can be hope; there can be love.

So I say Amen to reconcilliations (and turn that music up!)

What Women Want!

Three little words - what women say that they want:

• Personality
• Physical attractiveness
• Excitement

Three little words - what women really want, even if they don't know it:

• Confidence
• Mystery
• Self-respect

Now I don't write the above to decry women, or call them fools, because men are just as bad at saying one thing but meaning another.

It's just human nature, or the difference between conscious and sub-conscious thought.

Instead, I write the above merely as an aide-memoire (to me) so that I stop trying to nice my way into a woman's knickers. (Old nice-guy habits die hard you see, what can I tell ya! I blame me Mum. If only we had had the conversation beginning: "That's very sweet, John, but if you really want some booty action, remember this..." when I was at that impressionable age. Instead it went: "That's very nice, John... Ah, isn't he lovely?". Lovely! Who wants to be lovely when your hormones are raging!)

So now I know to say nowt, and say it with a confident swagger.

You see, I told you I know what women want: John Wayne, that's who!

("Get--on--the--dance-floor--and--take--my-- hand!")

PS If you are a woman, and know much better than me what women really want, then please do leave a comment. No, really! I'd also like to discuss why men lie, why your religion really is the only true religion, and whether your bum really does look big in this. :-)

PPS The truth is I nearly know what women want. I predict I will have complete comprehension of women a few seconds before I die. Nice. Just when you need it.

"Stuck in the middle with YOU"

"If you want to become [emotionally] unstuck, you have to identify what the reward is in your stuck position.

"[And then you have to ask yourself] 'Am I prepared to give up this reward?'"

If not, I humbly suggest dear reader, then you will be stuck in the middle with YOU.

Hey, it's been a few days already. You must have some more problems to solve by now!

I'm a dreamer!

Are you?

I dream about a place where men respect women; where white laughs together with black; where people smile at each other (yes, even in London); where there is enough for all - enough time, enough food, enough love; where mistakes are tolerated and even forgiven...

Er, no!

(My mythical 'reader' must now imagine the 'scratched record' sound of a stylus being forced back to the beginning.)

I _____ dream _______ of

. . . . . . . much

. . . . . . . . . . . . . darker

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . things.

I dream of ex-Radio 1 DJ, now Classic FM stalwart, Simon Bates (that's scary enough as it is, let's be honest!) snogging a woman at a party that wasn't his wife. (For some reason, this reality of married man's life seemed to disturb me.)

I dream of weddings and getting my smart clothes dirty, and then (much, much worse in the world of dreams, this I can tell you!) I dream that I cut myself, that I am bleeding.

I dream that I'm speaking to people, trying to get their attention ("what food would you like me to cook, everybody?"), but no-one can hear me. No one is listening.

I dream of being shot in the head by troops rounding up insurgents (i.e. me) and despatching them mercilessly, almost gleefully, with the justice of war. I even feel the 'moment of death'; I even visit my dead body a few days later, see the bullet wounds.

When I dream of sex it either doesn't involve me and I'm just a frustrated watcher, or it does involve me and I really wish it didn't (I couldn't possibly tell all, here. Let me save it for my first post-success interview with, ooh, Psychologies magazine or maybe even The Big Issue.)

And even when I dream of Cowboys (no Indians), there's a sinister edge to proceedings. Caves are involved, and killings, lots of killings.

And I always, always, always dream of the scary geyser who, for some unknown reason, always wants to seem to run after me. And despite the fear that propels my legs, he always seems to be able to run faster than me. Alright, he's never quite caught me yet, as I always seem to wake up, but I really wish he had caught me in my teens, when he first appeared, as now I'd be able to just get on my with my much-needed sleep.

Is it any wonder, my fellow dreamer, that I completely understand the similar plight of one little yellow boy called Bart Simpson, who is often seen waking from disturbing dreams, screaming.

Ay caramba, what a dreamer I am!

PS I did dream of meeting the Dalai Llama once. I couldn't possibly tell you what happened now could I! Let's just say that there were no sex scenes and nobody died!

What to say, today?

I'm not sure if getting everything done today, and being ahead, is better than feeling anxious about time and worrying about my future.

The former situation means I now have nowt to say.

The latter situation? Boy, I could rant on and on about women (and men) and their stoopid ways for days and days and days. But the moment seems to have passed.

Gone.

Perhaps lost forever to my new-found bliss.

Perhaps you should get in touch with me, yes you, and agitate a little. It's a volcano waiting to happen baby, oh yes. Just needs the right button punching for me to punch you right back!

In the meantime...

So, how you been?

PS do you think I'm sexy?

D'oh, technology!

(See my last 2 posts for reasons why!)

Ah memories

Aaaargh technology.

I wrote this lovely (well not bad) piece about memories, about being reminded of being in a place called Ironbridge and of a place called Alhambra (in Granada, Spain). And how this then reminded me of the person I had visited both of the places with. And how I sent this person a text message after a year of not talking to her (after a nasty fall-out, via email), and how she replied, positively.

As I said I had written a piece, but then the Blogger technology died on me, and I lost it all.

Aaargh!

Technology.

(But ah, memories.)

Ah, memories

Someone - we won't name them, but they're close to me - was reminiscing today.

(Ah, memories!)

He walked behind Skipton castle (as you do), along a meandering pathway. From a certain viewpoint, next to the obligatory happy gushing waterfall, it looked very much like The Alhambra in Granada, Spain. And then he thought of an odd tourist spot called Ironbridge that he'd visited on a similarly sunny Sunday (very popular but you wonder why). And then he remembered the person that connected the two places: the woman he had experienced The Alhambra and Ironbridge with.

And then he sent a text message to that person, after a year of not doing so (due to an awful fight, lasting several emails).

And she replied by text message, about as positively as he could have hoped for.

Ah, technology.

Ah, memories.

Burning Bridges

Hw 2 kll 2 brds wth 1 stn...

[follows]

I'm tired!

That's really all I have to say, actually.

I'm going to go for a lie-down. Back soon, pepped up and peppy! It will still be the same ol' same ol' but delivered with more pep.

(See what I mean! I'm tired.)

More Banging On!

Hi

I like "banging on" as much as the rest of ya, I really do.

I can round up several of the usual (and unusual) suspects to vouch for it, too.

Admittedly sometimes I "bang on" when I'm not meant to be "banging on", and in a way that aint no fun for no-one. But I aint perfect. I'm saving perfection for my next life, see. (Clever, eh!)

Anyway, I'm 'banging on' a bit about "banging on".

Let's just say that the following videos represent 'Game, set, match' to me in terms of content and music. No stick figures they!

Or, and I'd like this be the final word on this particular matter, bang on this, Monkey Girl, bang on this!

Boring (Monkey One) John

PS Never forget, "I've got something to put in you!" ;-)

Banging on?

(Yawn.)

I've read hundreds of quoations, recently...

but these words are my own (I believe)...

"The truly wise wait when it's necessary to wait, and act when it's necessary to act. Truly. Wise."

So, yes, you can quote me on that (should you wish to).

The return of Sickish Mish!

Dear Sickish Mish

Firstly, can I say thank you so much for making me laugh this morning.

My alter-ego tells me you got in touch recently moaning (as ever) about the usual suspect problem! And, judging by the time of your moan, I can see nothing's changed.

I think he had a rather eloquent to solution to Problem No. 1 in your life - it made me smile, and marvel a little at EF's 'delicacy'. I'd have been more direct, however, in a poetic way of course. I'd have said that you need to extend your watering holes; to widen your notion of North and South.

Remember, Ms SM, "Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence..."

So, if you really do need a problem, get in touch!

Thanks again for the laughter - it made my day. I usually rely on the yellow family to do this, but today I can give htem a day off. [Htem? Homer! You promised me you'd stop letting the chickens update my spell-checker!]

Yours Boring John

PS You can put your gun away, I've got my own! ;-)

"I don't have any problems, what can I do"

So says someone called John Boring.

But Ego Fatigo is having none of it.

His reply is:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

So there you have it, John.

How 'bout you?

Do you have any problems?

Fear?

Are you afraid of anything?

I mean are you afraid of anything that you shouldn't be afraid of? Like commitment, love, change.

And what do you do if you recognise that you are afraid of something? Do you simply:

• Make it go away, like magic?
• Tell yourself to snap out of it?

Or, do you simply:

• Be unafraid?

I have the answer to this problem (and no, it's not a website). I just can't put my hands on it right now.

(But I guess it's summed up by oft-quoted phrase, feel the fear but do it anyway!)

Got 99 Problems

If you have 99 problems in your life (or less) then this is the place to go. Or, if your Ego is Fatigo, come on over to my place

Note: if you have 100 problems or more, then I'm afraid you'll have to find somewhere else to moan and whinge! ;-)

International blog day

...was announced on my radio, today.

Funnily enough someone sent a text message into Five Live asking what was a blog.

(What's a text message, I hear you ask!)

Anyway, I'm going to do my bit for international blog day and I'm going to list 5 random blogs below. I'd ask you to check them out but I know, reassuringly so :-), that I'm talking to myself.

So, in no order whatsoever:

1. http://pencilpenandpaper.blogspot.com/
   (One from Blogger)
2. http://freddymatico.blogspot.com/
   (A spanish one)
3. http://shanghaindian.blogspot.com/
   (Indian)
4. http://jlewis.spaces.live.com/
   (Another John. Hopefully not boring, like me)
5. http://scobleizer.wordpress.com/
   (Oooh, techie. I want my Mommy.)

Don't ask me if they're any good cos I don't read bl***y blogs - they're boring, aint they!

Now get back to:
a) work
b) TV
c) that dodgy internet dating site (aren't you married?) or
d) your email (yet more spam, and no-one loves you - *sigh*)

PS all of the blogs listed above are patently unaware that today is international blog day. Aint that always the way!

People die, every day!

But do you know how many people die every day?

A rough guestimate, all things considered, is 160,000 and rising.

But then you have to think about how many people are born every day.

And then you sit down, have a beer, and wonder what it all means.

(Insert fizzing noise of beer bottle being opened.)

Quotations

I am flooding my system with words from the wise, today. So much so that even Roy Keane's wisdom shone through his first words as manager of Sunderland United (ha ha!) on the radio.

So, suitably inspired, and so I write bloody summat today here goes:

"Being stable is better than being sexy, for sure!"

What do you think?

You know you can leave anonymous comments. I won't bite. I'll just delete them with disdain if they're rubbish that's all. Lol

Great verbal and written communication skills

- so says my CV.

It's funny then, that I am aware of failing to communicate both verbally and via writing (email) on several occasions in the last few years.

What does that failure signify?

And what part, if any, does assertiveness (or lack of it) play in the role of good communication?

(As you can see, today I am not so smug as I only have questions. :-( )

I might spout a load of rubbish, sometimes...

but at least I can say what I want (more or less)

These people can't!

You know come to think of it, when it comes to us against them, I'm coming to realise that us equals the masses (wherever we live in the world) and them equals the people in power (democratically elected or otherwise)

So, I say, Be irrepressible!

Conspiracy Theories

I know many people -- I call them cynical people, believe-nothing types -- who quite gladly refute any and every conspiracy theory that is out there.

Now, obviously, not all conspiracy theories are believable or true.

But do the cynics really believe that all conspiracy theories are fake?

If a person -- let's make that person a woman for argument's sake and let's imagine she might have married a famous, aging rock star -- can be labelled as scheming and manipulative, i.e. conspiring, then surely it is not above the wit of woman to consider that more than one person could get together in the history of humanity to conspire also.

Are we not all self-centred, scheming ba****ds, after all?

But, let's go back to the cynics viewpoint.

Let's assume that there's no such thing as a conspiracy theory.

Well, why does the expression exist then? Why have a word, or expression, for something that never occurs. Is that how words and expressions normally get introduced into the English language? Admittedly, chavs may stop existing at some point in the future, but then I contend that the word chav will stop existing at the same time.

No, not all conspiracy theories are fake.

And once you accept that, then you can consider "well, maybe, there's something to it" for each individual case(*).

And usually, so it goes, you have to ask yourself who benefits from what just happened?

So, to summarise my mathematical proof that not all conspiracy theories are fake (!). If...

• If women can get 'accidentally pregnant'
• If men hardly ever get convicted of rape
• If UK Big Brother can (allegedly) rig the voting system in 2006
• If some non-Republican voters are magically not included on the electoral roll, in the 2000 US Presidential elections

Does this just happen by chance, or has someone, or some group conspired, to make it so

Ask yourself who benefits, why don't ya!, and for God's sake start to believe in something other than the words of The People In Charge!

I thank you.

* And I thank Mr Socrates for explaining that line of argument to me, once (although not personally)

Recognition!

"Love your very dry and understated blog comments. Witty stuff."

Yes, as Miss Piggy was wont to say, they do mean me!

Only another 999,999 people to go and I'll be rich, I tell ya, rich!

Once Upon A Time...

and against my better judgement, I did my brother a favour. I visited his friend and tried to 'fix' his computer.

Now if you know anything about personal computers then you now that fixing them can be as easy as turning the plug on and as difficult as writing the software in the first place.

Anyway, I 'fixed' his computer, for free (obviously: these people never want to pay to get their bloomin' computers fixed!) -- he hadn't deleted any of his temporary files, and compuserve (remember her?) just wouldn't load.

I was in a hurry, obviously and the allotted one hour was quickly used up.

But.

I was careful to not delete anything I shouldn't do on a computer that I had never seen before, and I switched off and switched on again and everything seemed fine.

Turns out I got it wrong, made things worse.

Turns out my brother's friend, my brother's boss, was non-too pleased.

But what could he do? I'd told him that I might be deleting files in haste.

What could he do? Well, a few years later when I just wanted to use his computer to quickly check my email in a minor emergency (note: use, not fix!), he flat out refused saying that I bust his computer last time I used it.

Exasperating. Simply exasperating.

What can I do?

Well, apart from write about it in my favourite vent-place (not pink, alas, but still a good place to hang!) I can resolve to do the following in future:

1. Never offer to fix someone's computer for free (or otherwise)

Now you might think that's a reasonable conclusion to arrive at, given the circumstances..

Will you, I wonder, agree when I add the following items to this 'what I will do in the future' list?

They have nothing to do with fixing computers, but they do belong to a group of activities that I like to call 'thankless tasks, you CAN still get wrong!" And they exist because I did something once, twice, maybe more and got my hand bitten in return.

I like to think that you shouldn't judge current situations by previous ones, but sometimes, just sometimes, you have to make a rule and there has to be a pretty darned good reason for changing it.

So, let's start that list again:

1. Never offer to fix someone's computer for free (or otherwise)
2. Never offer to lend a book to anyone unless you're happy to give it away
3. Never offer to be a friend to someone who wants more than that from you

Number 3. is an interesting case that I have much experience of, especially in the last few years.

Once upon a time, I befriended a woman from Brighton (as you do when you go internet dating).

In eight months we never met.

But in that time I suffered both personal insults (based on her experience of men, and not her experience of me) as well as personal praise. In that time I offered what wisdom I had, and what friendship I had to help her meet a suitable man, and I tried to ignore the insults as much as I could.

We never met, and we still have not met.

She found her man, and we don't talk anymore.

Finding her man was much more important than meeting me for the first time.

I wasn't only offering friendship but we had never met, so what else could I offer a fellow human being in pain?

I do like having women friends. But, like with the male variety, frienships take time and how you meet someone might influence how likely it is that you can become friends.

So maybe I should also add a fourth item:

4. Never try to meet women friends on a dating site!

Hey, I'm not moaning here.

I'm just trying to explain why I have very recently added 3. and 4. to my list of Don't Do's.

Because, like the Murphys...

:-)

Do Unto Others?

"Do unto others as you would like others do unto you."

A precept(?) found in every major religion, apparently.

I have for some time now thought that this was a flawed precept, and if practiced (which it quite often isn't, let's face it) can still lead to conflict, misunderstanding, and resentment.

Why?

Well, okay, I believe the answer lies in the difference you see (if any) between precept 1. and my revised precept, number 2.:

1. "Do unto others as you would like others do unto you."
2. "Do unto others as others would like done unto them."

Can you spot the difference?

(Can you tell what it is yet?)

"I'm BACK, baby!"

Well that's what I think a close personal (website) friend of mine would say if he/she/it could talk.

Seems they went 'missing' last week, websita non grata so-to-speak (No, I niver learned Latin at school!) It was 'down' and no email could get through, either.

And if it wasn't for the late-night sterling efforts of another one close to my heart, the website would still be unavailable.

So, yet another story ends happily. Just goes to show you that Hollywood.com doesn't get it wrong too often. Oh, apart from the so-dreadful-I'm-never-going-to-watch-it Pirates of the Crappeans II.

What's missing here, then?

These are the 3 things I am meant to be focussing on this year

1. Writing a novel
2. Learning Spanish
3. Earning 'enough' money to be able to do 1. and 2.

Is there anything misssing?

I feel so lonely

... as my email isn't working!

Tired...

(Too tired, for this!)

I couldn't have said it better myself!

No really, I couldn't!

- http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/misery.html

(Read it then think about my comments on friendship.)

Friends. What Are They Good For?

Absolutely nothing?

Seriously, why do we have friends?

• Are they just for fun?
• Are they just so you can make more friends? Or
• Are they there to challenge you, too?

I ask this question, because I wonder when, if ever, do you sack your friend.

Obviously, your best friend runs off with your girlfriend - yeah, you sack your friend! And the girlfriend.

But do you sack a friend because they bring the worst out in you?

Do you sack a friend because they're really not that nice a person and you don't 'get much' from their friendship?

Or do you simply ask lots of questions in a blog that (almost no-one) reads?

Well, as a friend of a friend once said: "It's important to have a good clear out every now and again"

And I agree.

Some People Really Like Me A Lot!

... and I don't have to do anything, just be myself - it's so easy!

Whilst other people don't seem to like me that much, no matter how hard I try to pleasse (please, please!) - it's so hard!

What does that say about some people?

What does that say about me?

And who should we all be concerned about, and spend our time with?

Hooray, I am a blog!

It says so here!

(Somewhere.)

Am I A Non-Blog?

Hmm, that's an interesting question.

Let me look down me pants - perhaps the answer is in there?

Hmm, everything seems in order.

I dunno. I guess I will just have to 'stand up straight, and await inspection'.

(Let's just hope I don't have to cough!)

A Real Egg Sandwich?

No, it's not possible.

An egg sandwich is never real, or proper, never!

Someone must be suffering from a severe bout of hallucination brought on my J.O.B.-depravation!

About Me

Name: [Boring John's Writer]
Birthday: Sunday
Birthplace: Huddersfield
Current Location: Holmfirth
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Black
Height: 5ft 10 (and a half!)
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right

Your Heritage: White English/Irish Grandmothers were bored during the war. There were no men. So they got it together with (at least) two American GIs (unknown heritage, but not white) 'over-paid, over-sexed, and over here'. The rest, they say, is 'boring'.

Your Weakness: Too honest. (Honest!)
Your Fears: Someone actually reading this blog
Your Perfect Pizza: "I'm not a pizza fan" (Neither am I.)
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Write a novel or learn Spanish, which means write a novel
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: lol
Your Best Physical Feature: My legs

Your Bedtime: (about) 10:0
Your Most Missed Memory: None
Pepsi or Coke: Two of the last drinks in the world that I would drink. If ever a product was proof of the expression: a triumph of marketing, then Cak and it's variations would be it. Only in America!
MacDonalds or Burger King: I prefer Eat Junk Then Die Early a new chain of food stores recently opened
Single or Group Dates: Group dates sound fun
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestlé? Don't get me going...
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla, Vanilla, Vanilla (baby!)
Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee

Do you Smoke: "No"
Do you Swear: "Occassionaly." Me too, mother hubbards!
Do you Sing: Only in the shower or when I think people can hear me!
Do you Shower Daily: Yes
Have you Been in Love: "That's the big question." Isn't it just. Of course I have. When you have legs like mine, baby!...
Do you want to go to College: Been, done, T-shirt.
Do you want to get Married: Very good question.
Do you belive in yourself: Yes

Do you get Motion Sickness: Only when someone 'spins me right round baby right round'
Do you think you are Attractive: See comment about legs, or if you can't be bothered - UBETCHA!
Are you a Health Freak: No, but I don't eat junk food or anthying that I don't believe will lead to optimal nutrition.
Do you get along with your Parents: Yes
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes. Brilliant - the power of nature
Do you play an Instrument: "NO! :("

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: "Yes"
In the past month have you Smoked: "No"
In the past month have you been on Drugs: "No"
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: "No we don't have malls in England" Apart from freakin super-malls like Meadowhall etc.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: "What are they?" Lol. Don't ya just love American-centric polls. Oreos are like chocolate bourbons, I think, except they're round and the cream is white and not dark.

In the past month have you eaten Sushi: "I hate fish, never mind it raw" Hee hee. Yes. Love it.
In the past month have you been on Stage: "No"
In the past month have you been Dumped: "No" With these legs, you're kidding.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: "No". Jeez, Americans.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Yes. This poll. "Apologies!" ;-)

Ever been Drunk: "Yes"
Ever been called a Tease: Think so. :-(
Ever been Beaten up: "No"
Ever Shoplifted: Yes, when I was the size of the lil boy in the picture above. I stole a 1p bubbly gum, but the man spotted me and told me to tell my parents about it, and I did. Otherwise, it was a life of crimie for me, for sure!
How do you want to Die: "Sleeping" Great question. Let me get back to you.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Fulfilled
What country would you most like to Visit: Canada

In a Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: green
Favourite Hair Color: brown
Short or Long Hair: "middle"
Height: smaller than me (just)
Weight: "Slim but not skinny, I wouldn't say no to some muscles" Just as long as her muscles were not as big as mine! Lol
Best Clothing Style: Individual

Number of Drugs I have taken: Erm, 2
Number of CDs I own: 42
Number of Piercings: "Two - one in each ear" Probably closed, now though
Number of Tattoos: Tattoos are so last century!
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Not enough

When Friends #2

And this is the email I actually sent (ahem!)

Hi
Thanks for calling today - you've tried all 3 phones. I'm busy working, though, and don't have time to talk.

I don't think I can go to the Reading festival as well as visit my friend, so I'm going to have to cancel Reading - sorry (it is a long way to come for just one night, if I didn't visit my friend also).

So, I hope you can find someone else to go with you. Let me know if you can't.

I'll try and phone you on the weekend if you like. It's important that I get work done today, so I hope you understand that.

Bye,

When Friends P*** You Off!

When friends annoy you, one of several reactions occur in my modest experience:

1. You act maturely, calmly and (assertively) express your feelings in a hope that they won't do that again, as their friendship is important. You discuss their behaviour and your behaviour and try and learn from the interraction. You, or your friend, may even behave differently
   
   
2. You send off the first email/text message that comes to mind telling them in no uncertain terms how disappointed you are with them and their behaviour. You tell them that their 'friendship' is no longer needed, and that they were never a friend in the first place. (That is, if they 'disappointed' via text or email. If they 'disappointed' you face to face, or via telephone, then you just scream abuse at them, and then tell them them that your friendship is over.)
   
   
3. You do something in between 1. and 2.

The truth is, you get to learn a lot about yourself through the good and bad times that friendship brings.

So when friends disappoint you with their behaviour you get to think why they disappoint you and why you feel disappointed.

You won't be surprised to hear, that I am actually talking from current experience.

See how well I walk the talk below.

Decide which reaction (1.,2. or 3.) I decided to take.

And, again dear reader, you are most welcome to comment.

Subject: Phone calls
Dear [Friend's name]

As I said yesterday, I don't really want to talk on the phone
about this. Maybe I am more cross than I admit, but I have no
right to be - I can see how 'something had to give' juggling
between your hectic social life and getting your academic work
done

I still like you very much, but I do not like the unevenness
of our friendship, and have always felt a bit uneasy about it
if I'm being honest. I should have said so, before now really.

I also don't like the ambiguities in our 'friendship' - I have
always thought of you as a friend first, rather than as a
potential lover.

Good friendships matter to me more than potential lovers, if
the truth be told.

Sorry if I'm overreacting a bit here, but this, to me, is a 'final
straw'. I am, despite my best efforts, still someone who 'puts
up with things' so far and then 'explode' when I feel enough
is enough.

I certainly would like to stay friends, but our friendship
would have to change for that to work for me.

If we just stay friends on the phone, then that is fine, but I
wouldn't want to be seen as your 'counselling friend'. I have
played the "friend's in bad times but never in good times" role
with other friends in the past and it's never satisfactory.

And I guess I'd have to learn to be much more chilled. (I
am getting better, believe it or not!)

So, if you don't mind, can you please find someone else to
go to the Reading Rock festival. I will either go to my friends
birthday party in Bath the next day, or I won't go at all. Either
way, I won't be coming to Reading that weekend.

You have disappointed me, [Friend's Name], but that is as much
my fault as it is yours.

I wish you well with the course-work, and going to Barcelona and
all the other stuff you're going to be doing in August.

And keep smiling. I will, for sure.

BJ

Marketing Conundrum

With all this talk about Million Dollar Homepages and driving traffic to your website, I've come up with an alternative: the least visited website in the world! (Actually, the least visited, actively updated, blog in the world is what I was thinking about - ahem!)

And that's where the conundrum comes:

How, exactly, do you promote the least visited blog in the world without making it NOT the least visited blog in the world?

Answers on a postcard, please, or you could actually comment below. (Why thank you!)

Love hurts, and so does my brain!

So, okay, I can write a good headline, but I have no idea what to write here.

Which is a shame, really.

Blog Will Eat Itself!

Blog will eat itself!

That's pretty much all there is to say about that, really. And even though I'm contribiting (in this instance) to the orgy, I will not do so again.

Here's an idea guys! Write a blog that nobody reads. (Like me!)

Nobody Taught Me How To Kiss

...And yet I kiss (and do other things!) mighty fine!

Trouble is, nobody also taught me how:

• to cook,
• to communicate well using body language,
• to laugh at myself,
• to D.I.Y.,
• to stop listing my 'faults'.

It's interesting, isn't it, what skills are innate in a person, what skills that person can learn, and what skills him or her no matter how hard they try to learn them.

Talking With Strangers (Part 1 - Parenting)

...This may sound idealistic, and the sort of thing a non-parent might say, but:

1. I feel that being a parent is just about the most important job anyone can have, as it offers so many challenging opportunities for 'growth' and learning to the parent, and
   
2. I also feel that a fundamental reason for being is to procreate.
   

Bullseye! Charles

I was just reading this blog entry belonging to Charles Burke from sunny Japan (Charles writes with much more wisdom than me about all the things that fascinate me):

"The wise person has mastered many viewpoints and can select the most appropriate and beneficial ones for each situation. Wisdom is the ability to think from many viewpoints, rather than just one, and to move fluidly from one to the next, without resistance."

See what I mean.

Bullseye!

A great sex life is not rocket science. Neither is...

a great SEO life!

Both usually boil down to a few steps.

SEO (meaning search engine optimization)

1. Copywriting
2. Links and
3. Networking

SEX (meaning life engine optimization?)

1. 'Copywriting' (think marketing, or even copywriting (words) if you do the internet dating thing)
2. Listening
3. Responding

Heck, why stop at SEO or SEX when it comes to formulas to success?

Here's how to succeed in life:

1. Know where you are
2. Know where you want to go
3. Go there

(Apologies to David Taylor with that last list!)

Hey Mister! Would this work for you?

Well?

"Silky smooth legs and shapely ass await
local hero. Seduce me with your wit, and
it's all yours Georgous! "

Prince Charming theory #2

Two words: Clarke Kent.

Prince Charming Theory #1

One way to put my (now legendary?) Prince Charming Theory is via the following Q&A:

Question: How many Prince Charmings does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: As many as it takes for her to see that the light bulb has been changed (and so the light can now be turned on) !

(Some people wake up in a horny morning mood; some wake up already wearied with the day; whilst I wake up with further ways to explain my Prince Charming Theory! Ta-da!)

Dilemma

The only time I am able to make blog entries, whether witty and interesting or not, is when I am not that busy living a witty and interesting life.

Care to comment on the lack of interesting posts recently?

Have I really been living it up, or have I just been distracted by one of life's usual distractions?

Tune in tomorrow, to find out...

Bad exchange!

I'm not that happy with my thoughts on exchanges!

It doesn't really explain the mojo (or bad mojo) that happens when communication communicates (or not).

Just let me add that, sometimes, there can be a lot of value gained from the vindication you get by communicating with a like-mind.

Conversely...

(Anyway, it's far too hot!)

The Art of the Faux Pas

This might make a good chapter in me book, methinks.

Because, let's face it, I'm not the only cursed one!

EXCHANGES

Exchanges?

In the last three years, I've been having these exchanges, usually by email or text message (and sometimes via Instant messenger), and usually with a woman.

The exchange often discusses in some detail feelings, love and all that razzmatazz jazz, but sometimes it's just about communication - what she means, what I mean.

It's the same pattern.

A 'problem' occurs.

I express myself, clearly and intelligently.

They express themselves similarly.

Problem over, and through simply 'being myself', the relationship strengthens a little, and the woman's opinion of me, her feelings for me, seems to steadily improve.

I wish I knew what I was doing exactly, because I would bottle 'it', wrap it in fine packaging and have a special sale of the 'product' at the usual times of crises: y'know valentine's day, wedding anniversaries, birthdays and -- cos 'it' would even resolve 'extreme' situations -- moments when forgiveness is seriously required for Messrs Stray Away.

The trouble is this communication process is a complete mystery to me.

Yes I am an emotionally intelligent lil' BJ boy. I empathise well. I'm sensitive etc. And my verbal and written communication skills are excellent (even if I say so myself!).

So, I express myself as clearly as possible and it 'works'.

And I feel a little smug, that I've been blessed with this 'skill'. A skill I rarely, if ever, take advantage of.

So where's the rub, then?

Well, if you hadn't already guessed, I can quite often repeat the process -- express myself as clearly and non-aggressively as possible -- and it badly backfires on me.

One minute I speak and 'she' listens appreciatively, and the next I get a verbal slap in the face for my crassness.

I feel I share Christopher's inability to tell the difference between a frown, a scowl, and a smirk -- he of Curious Incident fame -- where my inability seems to relate to written and verbal communication.

How can one well thought out 'explanation' be fully understood, and fully appreciated whilst another one is received like the proverbial red rag to the bull.

Ouch.

Over.

Finito.

Never to be seen again.

I have literally got my spade at the ready to dig myself out of the hole I am in, but the hole is not only getting bigger, it's almost cavernous in size when I've finished.

How'd that happen, everybody?

What's the difference?

I have some example emails I could show you.

I better not, though.

Instead, here's a message to anyone I've got 'right' then got 'wrong' five minutes later.

I'm not as good a 'good guy' as you think I am, but I'm also not the 'bad boy' either.

I'm just one of billions trying my hardest to rub along with whoever passes in my direction, before the eye has blinked its solitary blink.

Blinkin' hell, eh! Blinkin 'ell!

Seriously, if someone could tell me the difference between intelligent communication on the one hand, and potentially offensive, patronising and undermining communication on the other, I would be eternally grateful.

Perhaps we should all stop being quite so afraid of upsetting people.

If it's that easy to irk someone and for them to stay irked, then maybe they were never friends in the first place.

(Hey, where'd that wisdom come from then!?)

Now if only I'd concentrated a little on non-verbal communication skills when I was really a lil boy blue...

I didn't dream of you last night!

I wish I had, though.

Instead, I was some kind of daring fugitive, on the run for doing something wrong! (Probably complained too 'loudly' about the incompetent and corrupt BLiar government. Do you reckon he ever read George Orwell's Animal Farm?)

Anyway, the boys in blue were after me. Some kind of uniform, for sure.

And they easily caught me. Meant business, I seem to remember. I was to be summarily executed. Each and every one of the 'soldiers' was to take turns in emptying a few rounds into me.

They were pretty angry with me.

And I just accepted my fate. Walked with the first 'soldier' to my place of execution -- the man that was going to actually kill me -- and even agree remember agreeing to keep my hands in the air so that he would know if I was dead or not!

(How accommodating of me.)

Gun goes against the top of my head.

Bullet is fired.

And then another bullet.

Strange feeling, having a bullet pass through your head.

Don't remember being frightened or cross or anything. I don't think I was looking forward to the pain of the bullet passing through my not-so-thick skull, but that's all that came to mind (if you'll pardon the expression).

So two bullets pass through my head.

And then I seem to be floating, floating past my very own body a little while later.

I see only two bullet holes in my head. The other men had obviously not wanted to waste their bullets on my already dead body.

That was considerate of them.

And then...

As I woke from yet another marvellous BJ dream, I could hear the pigeons doing a merry dance on my rooftop. So loud, and repetitive was their banging around that I seriously thought someone was banging, albeit halfheartedly, on my front door.

I then had a short day-dream about putting spikes on my roof, and imagined the argument I'd be having with the pigeon owner when the first of 'em got spiked.

(Why can't I have sexy dreams like everyone else?)

(Why can't I dream of you?)

Most worry is a lie! (Apparently)

I can't help but worry about whether that is true.

Life is like a pack of playing cards...

Because...

"You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, Know when to walk away and know when to run."

The same goes for internet marketing.

As for boxes of chocolates or gambling, what've they gotten to do with the price of eggs? Sheesh!

Break Down! [AFTER]

[This is how we do it!...]

AFTER VERSION...

Text Message 1, sent Sunday afternoon.

"Cor! Nowt happens here except I have to tax me car then I discover the car's not got MOT, then the MOT costs 250 big ones, then me car breaks down (wheel nut not tightened properly after MOT), then I find I don't have breakdown cover THEN I find I don't have [car] insurance. I need a beer. Hope u ok x"

Text Message 2, sent Sunday evening.

"... And then it thundered and lightninged and my train back from Leeds was cancelled and I shoulda been in bed catching zzzs [by now] but still just leaving [Huddersfield] on t'bus. Buenas nochas x"

Break Down! [BEFORE]

[The following entry is before I got hold of my original, much more succinct, text message. It's wordy and not that funny, and -- quite frankly -- I wouldn't bother reading it if I were you! Instead read the [AFTER] version. And, as you do, ask yourself is text messaging really killing the skill of writing?]

BEFORE VERSION...

Recently, a series of travel-related events occurred to me. Now depending on whether you are a half-full or half-empty typa-guy you will think I am a) "lucky, lucky, lucky" or b) "if it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all"

Ok. Here goes. It all started when I went to renew my car's tax disc...

a) Wednesday, 14th June: I discover that my car's MOT has run out a week ago! (No the first time this has happened, alas. *The* first time, my car was 'not roadworthy' for a few months!)

b) Monday, 26th June: I leave my car with [Company Name Removed], after listening to my brother's recommendation. "It's going to cost you about £150," says the MOT Man, shaking his head and making that strange inhale of breath sound that only Mr Fixits like plumbers make.

c) Tuesday, 27th June: Leave the car to be fixed

d) Wednesday, 28th June: Collect the car the next day. The cost has gone up. £250. "There were complications."

e) 30 minutes later: Hear a worryingly loud noise in the back of the car - something's loose. (The casing that covers the 'wheel nut' that connects the wheel to the drive shaft. [Apologies if this description is technically incorrect. It is my understanding. Summat was loose, and it made a racket! End of.]

f) 5 more minutes: Casing returned, and no more noise is heard.

g) Sunday, 2nd July, 12.30PM: On my way to Saltaire on a glorioiusly hot afternoon. By car, obviously. Half-way there when I hear another noise in the front of the car. I ignore it for a few miles, but can feel it in the steering wheel, and can sense something's wrong!

h) 12:35PM: Ring my brother saying "HELP!"

j) breakdown not covered

i) 12:45PM: Decide Saltaire will have to wait and try and return home. The rattle is very loud now, and it seems like the car can no longer move!

j) [Boredom set in. This piece is not working. As is the case with most things in life, the AFTER looks much better than the BEFORE!]

3) Sunday, 2nd July
c) A few days later, I get my car tax disc using the new MOT and my proof of insurance


I actually sent a text message to a friend all about my travails. But -- yeah you guessed it! -- it too broke down (went invisible on me, got deleted).

So this text message follow-up is the only evidence I have of a strange travel day last Sunday:

"... And then it thundered and lightninged and my train back from leeds was cancelled and I shoulda been in bed catching zzzs [by now] but still just leaving [Huddersfield] on t'bus. Buenas nochas x"