Dear G
This might sound a bit of a big drama, but...
I think I see what my problem is, now (after our chat). It's a big one, too, I think. I fear being with a girl, any girl, where I might get rejected, again; where what I want is ignored.
For some reason that really, really scares me! :-(
Yes, it makes me scared. I just don't know what to what to do about it. Because, obviously, I will never be able to have a long relationship with a lady unless I am ready to do things without worrying about it going wrong.
I think it's all because my Mum left my Dad when I was younger. Dunno. I can't remember much about it, what happened or anything - the memories are already buried away. First thing I can remember is living in someone else's house with someone else's family in a place called Linthwhaite. Mum had only just left him, then. I was five.
So even simple stuff like 'taking things as they come', even these words frighten me. Cos what if something goes wrong!? It might do, you never know.
And, as you know, I really don't like upsetting people because... well, I guess I'm frightened they might leave me or get mad at me.
So I try and please, so they don't get cross; I try and please people, girls, and I try not to complain, try to be good, but after a while I just get so mad inside that it all boils over. And then they leave me or I leave them. Like what happened with you and me.
Sorry.
Thanks for chatting a while ago, though. I think it did help. It helped me see that sometimes I'm nothing more than a scared little boy who doesn't want it to go wrong again.
BJ x
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