International blog day

...was announced on my radio, today.

Funnily enough someone sent a text message into Five Live asking what was a blog.

(What's a text message, I hear you ask!)

Anyway, I'm going to do my bit for international blog day and I'm going to list 5 random blogs below. I'd ask you to check them out but I know, reassuringly so :-), that I'm talking to myself.

So, in no order whatsoever:

1. http://pencilpenandpaper.blogspot.com/
   (One from Blogger)
2. http://freddymatico.blogspot.com/
   (A spanish one)
3. http://shanghaindian.blogspot.com/
   (Indian)
4. http://jlewis.spaces.live.com/
   (Another John. Hopefully not boring, like me)
5. http://scobleizer.wordpress.com/
   (Oooh, techie. I want my Mommy.)

Don't ask me if they're any good cos I don't read bl***y blogs - they're boring, aint they!

Now get back to:
a) work
b) TV
c) that dodgy internet dating site (aren't you married?) or
d) your email (yet more spam, and no-one loves you - *sigh*)

PS all of the blogs listed above are patently unaware that today is international blog day. Aint that always the way!

People die, every day!

But do you know how many people die every day?

A rough guestimate, all things considered, is 160,000 and rising.

But then you have to think about how many people are born every day.

And then you sit down, have a beer, and wonder what it all means.

(Insert fizzing noise of beer bottle being opened.)

Quotations

I am flooding my system with words from the wise, today. So much so that even Roy Keane's wisdom shone through his first words as manager of Sunderland United (ha ha!) on the radio.

So, suitably inspired, and so I write bloody summat today here goes:

"Being stable is better than being sexy, for sure!"

What do you think?

You know you can leave anonymous comments. I won't bite. I'll just delete them with disdain if they're rubbish that's all. Lol

Great verbal and written communication skills

- so says my CV.

It's funny then, that I am aware of failing to communicate both verbally and via writing (email) on several occasions in the last few years.

What does that failure signify?

And what part, if any, does assertiveness (or lack of it) play in the role of good communication?

(As you can see, today I am not so smug as I only have questions. :-( )

I might spout a load of rubbish, sometimes...

but at least I can say what I want (more or less)

These people can't!

You know come to think of it, when it comes to us against them, I'm coming to realise that us equals the masses (wherever we live in the world) and them equals the people in power (democratically elected or otherwise)

So, I say, Be irrepressible!

Conspiracy Theories

I know many people -- I call them cynical people, believe-nothing types -- who quite gladly refute any and every conspiracy theory that is out there.

Now, obviously, not all conspiracy theories are believable or true.

But do the cynics really believe that all conspiracy theories are fake?

If a person -- let's make that person a woman for argument's sake and let's imagine she might have married a famous, aging rock star -- can be labelled as scheming and manipulative, i.e. conspiring, then surely it is not above the wit of woman to consider that more than one person could get together in the history of humanity to conspire also.

Are we not all self-centred, scheming ba****ds, after all?

But, let's go back to the cynics viewpoint.

Let's assume that there's no such thing as a conspiracy theory.

Well, why does the expression exist then? Why have a word, or expression, for something that never occurs. Is that how words and expressions normally get introduced into the English language? Admittedly, chavs may stop existing at some point in the future, but then I contend that the word chav will stop existing at the same time.

No, not all conspiracy theories are fake.

And once you accept that, then you can consider "well, maybe, there's something to it" for each individual case(*).

And usually, so it goes, you have to ask yourself who benefits from what just happened?

So, to summarise my mathematical proof that not all conspiracy theories are fake (!). If...

• If women can get 'accidentally pregnant'
• If men hardly ever get convicted of rape
• If UK Big Brother can (allegedly) rig the voting system in 2006
• If some non-Republican voters are magically not included on the electoral roll, in the 2000 US Presidential elections

Does this just happen by chance, or has someone, or some group conspired, to make it so

Ask yourself who benefits, why don't ya!, and for God's sake start to believe in something other than the words of The People In Charge!

I thank you.

* And I thank Mr Socrates for explaining that line of argument to me, once (although not personally)

Recognition!

"Love your very dry and understated blog comments. Witty stuff."

Yes, as Miss Piggy was wont to say, they do mean me!

Only another 999,999 people to go and I'll be rich, I tell ya, rich!

Once Upon A Time...

and against my better judgement, I did my brother a favour. I visited his friend and tried to 'fix' his computer.

Now if you know anything about personal computers then you now that fixing them can be as easy as turning the plug on and as difficult as writing the software in the first place.

Anyway, I 'fixed' his computer, for free (obviously: these people never want to pay to get their bloomin' computers fixed!) -- he hadn't deleted any of his temporary files, and compuserve (remember her?) just wouldn't load.

I was in a hurry, obviously and the allotted one hour was quickly used up.

But.

I was careful to not delete anything I shouldn't do on a computer that I had never seen before, and I switched off and switched on again and everything seemed fine.

Turns out I got it wrong, made things worse.

Turns out my brother's friend, my brother's boss, was non-too pleased.

But what could he do? I'd told him that I might be deleting files in haste.

What could he do? Well, a few years later when I just wanted to use his computer to quickly check my email in a minor emergency (note: use, not fix!), he flat out refused saying that I bust his computer last time I used it.

Exasperating. Simply exasperating.

What can I do?

Well, apart from write about it in my favourite vent-place (not pink, alas, but still a good place to hang!) I can resolve to do the following in future:

1. Never offer to fix someone's computer for free (or otherwise)

Now you might think that's a reasonable conclusion to arrive at, given the circumstances..

Will you, I wonder, agree when I add the following items to this 'what I will do in the future' list?

They have nothing to do with fixing computers, but they do belong to a group of activities that I like to call 'thankless tasks, you CAN still get wrong!" And they exist because I did something once, twice, maybe more and got my hand bitten in return.

I like to think that you shouldn't judge current situations by previous ones, but sometimes, just sometimes, you have to make a rule and there has to be a pretty darned good reason for changing it.

So, let's start that list again:

1. Never offer to fix someone's computer for free (or otherwise)
2. Never offer to lend a book to anyone unless you're happy to give it away
3. Never offer to be a friend to someone who wants more than that from you

Number 3. is an interesting case that I have much experience of, especially in the last few years.

Once upon a time, I befriended a woman from Brighton (as you do when you go internet dating).

In eight months we never met.

But in that time I suffered both personal insults (based on her experience of men, and not her experience of me) as well as personal praise. In that time I offered what wisdom I had, and what friendship I had to help her meet a suitable man, and I tried to ignore the insults as much as I could.

We never met, and we still have not met.

She found her man, and we don't talk anymore.

Finding her man was much more important than meeting me for the first time.

I wasn't only offering friendship but we had never met, so what else could I offer a fellow human being in pain?

I do like having women friends. But, like with the male variety, frienships take time and how you meet someone might influence how likely it is that you can become friends.

So maybe I should also add a fourth item:

4. Never try to meet women friends on a dating site!

Hey, I'm not moaning here.

I'm just trying to explain why I have very recently added 3. and 4. to my list of Don't Do's.

Because, like the Murphys...

:-)

Do Unto Others?

"Do unto others as you would like others do unto you."

A precept(?) found in every major religion, apparently.

I have for some time now thought that this was a flawed precept, and if practiced (which it quite often isn't, let's face it) can still lead to conflict, misunderstanding, and resentment.

Why?

Well, okay, I believe the answer lies in the difference you see (if any) between precept 1. and my revised precept, number 2.:

1. "Do unto others as you would like others do unto you."
2. "Do unto others as others would like done unto them."

Can you spot the difference?

(Can you tell what it is yet?)

"I'm BACK, baby!"

Well that's what I think a close personal (website) friend of mine would say if he/she/it could talk.

Seems they went 'missing' last week, websita non grata so-to-speak (No, I niver learned Latin at school!) It was 'down' and no email could get through, either.

And if it wasn't for the late-night sterling efforts of another one close to my heart, the website would still be unavailable.

So, yet another story ends happily. Just goes to show you that Hollywood.com doesn't get it wrong too often. Oh, apart from the so-dreadful-I'm-never-going-to-watch-it Pirates of the Crappeans II.

What's missing here, then?

These are the 3 things I am meant to be focussing on this year

1. Writing a novel
2. Learning Spanish
3. Earning 'enough' money to be able to do 1. and 2.

Is there anything misssing?

I feel so lonely

... as my email isn't working!

Tired...

(Too tired, for this!)

I couldn't have said it better myself!

No really, I couldn't!

- http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/misery.html

(Read it then think about my comments on friendship.)

Friends. What Are They Good For?

Absolutely nothing?

Seriously, why do we have friends?

• Are they just for fun?
• Are they just so you can make more friends? Or
• Are they there to challenge you, too?

I ask this question, because I wonder when, if ever, do you sack your friend.

Obviously, your best friend runs off with your girlfriend - yeah, you sack your friend! And the girlfriend.

But do you sack a friend because they bring the worst out in you?

Do you sack a friend because they're really not that nice a person and you don't 'get much' from their friendship?

Or do you simply ask lots of questions in a blog that (almost no-one) reads?

Well, as a friend of a friend once said: "It's important to have a good clear out every now and again"

And I agree.

Some People Really Like Me A Lot!

... and I don't have to do anything, just be myself - it's so easy!

Whilst other people don't seem to like me that much, no matter how hard I try to pleasse (please, please!) - it's so hard!

What does that say about some people?

What does that say about me?

And who should we all be concerned about, and spend our time with?

Hooray, I am a blog!

It says so here!

(Somewhere.)

Am I A Non-Blog?

Hmm, that's an interesting question.

Let me look down me pants - perhaps the answer is in there?

Hmm, everything seems in order.

I dunno. I guess I will just have to 'stand up straight, and await inspection'.

(Let's just hope I don't have to cough!)

A Real Egg Sandwich?

No, it's not possible.

An egg sandwich is never real, or proper, never!

Someone must be suffering from a severe bout of hallucination brought on my J.O.B.-depravation!

About Me

Name: [Boring John's Writer]
Birthday: Sunday
Birthplace: Huddersfield
Current Location: Holmfirth
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Black
Height: 5ft 10 (and a half!)
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right

Your Heritage: White English/Irish Grandmothers were bored during the war. There were no men. So they got it together with (at least) two American GIs (unknown heritage, but not white) 'over-paid, over-sexed, and over here'. The rest, they say, is 'boring'.

Your Weakness: Too honest. (Honest!)
Your Fears: Someone actually reading this blog
Your Perfect Pizza: "I'm not a pizza fan" (Neither am I.)
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Write a novel or learn Spanish, which means write a novel
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: lol
Your Best Physical Feature: My legs

Your Bedtime: (about) 10:0
Your Most Missed Memory: None
Pepsi or Coke: Two of the last drinks in the world that I would drink. If ever a product was proof of the expression: a triumph of marketing, then Cak and it's variations would be it. Only in America!
MacDonalds or Burger King: I prefer Eat Junk Then Die Early a new chain of food stores recently opened
Single or Group Dates: Group dates sound fun
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestlé? Don't get me going...
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla, Vanilla, Vanilla (baby!)
Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee

Do you Smoke: "No"
Do you Swear: "Occassionaly." Me too, mother hubbards!
Do you Sing: Only in the shower or when I think people can hear me!
Do you Shower Daily: Yes
Have you Been in Love: "That's the big question." Isn't it just. Of course I have. When you have legs like mine, baby!...
Do you want to go to College: Been, done, T-shirt.
Do you want to get Married: Very good question.
Do you belive in yourself: Yes

Do you get Motion Sickness: Only when someone 'spins me right round baby right round'
Do you think you are Attractive: See comment about legs, or if you can't be bothered - UBETCHA!
Are you a Health Freak: No, but I don't eat junk food or anthying that I don't believe will lead to optimal nutrition.
Do you get along with your Parents: Yes
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes. Brilliant - the power of nature
Do you play an Instrument: "NO! :("

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: "Yes"
In the past month have you Smoked: "No"
In the past month have you been on Drugs: "No"
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: "No we don't have malls in England" Apart from freakin super-malls like Meadowhall etc.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: "What are they?" Lol. Don't ya just love American-centric polls. Oreos are like chocolate bourbons, I think, except they're round and the cream is white and not dark.

In the past month have you eaten Sushi: "I hate fish, never mind it raw" Hee hee. Yes. Love it.
In the past month have you been on Stage: "No"
In the past month have you been Dumped: "No" With these legs, you're kidding.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: "No". Jeez, Americans.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Yes. This poll. "Apologies!" ;-)

Ever been Drunk: "Yes"
Ever been called a Tease: Think so. :-(
Ever been Beaten up: "No"
Ever Shoplifted: Yes, when I was the size of the lil boy in the picture above. I stole a 1p bubbly gum, but the man spotted me and told me to tell my parents about it, and I did. Otherwise, it was a life of crimie for me, for sure!
How do you want to Die: "Sleeping" Great question. Let me get back to you.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Fulfilled
What country would you most like to Visit: Canada

In a Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: green
Favourite Hair Color: brown
Short or Long Hair: "middle"
Height: smaller than me (just)
Weight: "Slim but not skinny, I wouldn't say no to some muscles" Just as long as her muscles were not as big as mine! Lol
Best Clothing Style: Individual

Number of Drugs I have taken: Erm, 2
Number of CDs I own: 42
Number of Piercings: "Two - one in each ear" Probably closed, now though
Number of Tattoos: Tattoos are so last century!
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Not enough

When Friends #2

And this is the email I actually sent (ahem!)

Hi
Thanks for calling today - you've tried all 3 phones. I'm busy working, though, and don't have time to talk.

I don't think I can go to the Reading festival as well as visit my friend, so I'm going to have to cancel Reading - sorry (it is a long way to come for just one night, if I didn't visit my friend also).

So, I hope you can find someone else to go with you. Let me know if you can't.

I'll try and phone you on the weekend if you like. It's important that I get work done today, so I hope you understand that.

Bye,

When Friends P*** You Off!

When friends annoy you, one of several reactions occur in my modest experience:

1. You act maturely, calmly and (assertively) express your feelings in a hope that they won't do that again, as their friendship is important. You discuss their behaviour and your behaviour and try and learn from the interraction. You, or your friend, may even behave differently
   
   
2. You send off the first email/text message that comes to mind telling them in no uncertain terms how disappointed you are with them and their behaviour. You tell them that their 'friendship' is no longer needed, and that they were never a friend in the first place. (That is, if they 'disappointed' via text or email. If they 'disappointed' you face to face, or via telephone, then you just scream abuse at them, and then tell them them that your friendship is over.)
   
   
3. You do something in between 1. and 2.

The truth is, you get to learn a lot about yourself through the good and bad times that friendship brings.

So when friends disappoint you with their behaviour you get to think why they disappoint you and why you feel disappointed.

You won't be surprised to hear, that I am actually talking from current experience.

See how well I walk the talk below.

Decide which reaction (1.,2. or 3.) I decided to take.

And, again dear reader, you are most welcome to comment.

Subject: Phone calls
Dear [Friend's name]

As I said yesterday, I don't really want to talk on the phone
about this. Maybe I am more cross than I admit, but I have no
right to be - I can see how 'something had to give' juggling
between your hectic social life and getting your academic work
done

I still like you very much, but I do not like the unevenness
of our friendship, and have always felt a bit uneasy about it
if I'm being honest. I should have said so, before now really.

I also don't like the ambiguities in our 'friendship' - I have
always thought of you as a friend first, rather than as a
potential lover.

Good friendships matter to me more than potential lovers, if
the truth be told.

Sorry if I'm overreacting a bit here, but this, to me, is a 'final
straw'. I am, despite my best efforts, still someone who 'puts
up with things' so far and then 'explode' when I feel enough
is enough.

I certainly would like to stay friends, but our friendship
would have to change for that to work for me.

If we just stay friends on the phone, then that is fine, but I
wouldn't want to be seen as your 'counselling friend'. I have
played the "friend's in bad times but never in good times" role
with other friends in the past and it's never satisfactory.

And I guess I'd have to learn to be much more chilled. (I
am getting better, believe it or not!)

So, if you don't mind, can you please find someone else to
go to the Reading Rock festival. I will either go to my friends
birthday party in Bath the next day, or I won't go at all. Either
way, I won't be coming to Reading that weekend.

You have disappointed me, [Friend's Name], but that is as much
my fault as it is yours.

I wish you well with the course-work, and going to Barcelona and
all the other stuff you're going to be doing in August.

And keep smiling. I will, for sure.

BJ

Marketing Conundrum

With all this talk about Million Dollar Homepages and driving traffic to your website, I've come up with an alternative: the least visited website in the world! (Actually, the least visited, actively updated, blog in the world is what I was thinking about - ahem!)

And that's where the conundrum comes:

How, exactly, do you promote the least visited blog in the world without making it NOT the least visited blog in the world?

Answers on a postcard, please, or you could actually comment below. (Why thank you!)

Love hurts, and so does my brain!

So, okay, I can write a good headline, but I have no idea what to write here.

Which is a shame, really.

Blog Will Eat Itself!

Blog will eat itself!

That's pretty much all there is to say about that, really. And even though I'm contribiting (in this instance) to the orgy, I will not do so again.

Here's an idea guys! Write a blog that nobody reads. (Like me!)

Nobody Taught Me How To Kiss

...And yet I kiss (and do other things!) mighty fine!

Trouble is, nobody also taught me how:

• to cook,
• to communicate well using body language,
• to laugh at myself,
• to D.I.Y.,
• to stop listing my 'faults'.

It's interesting, isn't it, what skills are innate in a person, what skills that person can learn, and what skills him or her no matter how hard they try to learn them.