"And that's how two characters should dance together in life"

And that's how two characters should dance together in life?

Yes, and it's all explained here in this (almost finished*) version of The World According to Boring John (PDF version) - you'll need a password!**

Enjoy! I know I didn't.

* This book may never get finished - He may not be up to it!
** And the password is... - contact me (or Him) for it!

Here's a rhetorical question, for ya...

What happens if there are no rhetorical questions?

Aye. I know what you're thinking. Oh-my-God-Not-Another-Christmas-Cracker-Thought-For-The-Minute kinda thing. Okay, skip it, I hear ya! Here's a better rhetorical question:

Is having a relationship - y'know an 'intimate relationship of the sexual kind' type of relationship - worth having to deal with the game-players, the fearful and the commitment-phobes, the plain mixed-up types and all the other ensemble of losers who get in the way of a simple, yet fulfilling, good time?

Well, I ain't being rhetorical here, because the answer is NO!

So will all the losers who find their way to this particular hidey hole, please leave immediately - taking your bad vibe with you - so that the rest of us can just plain enjoy our lives.

Thank you. Kindly.

"Are we turned off by sex?"

In the beginning, He used to write replies to magazine articles that particularly irritated Him. Well, as I fully reclaim ownership of this blog I'd like to do the same. And, as I'm a fictional character, my gloves can come off!

So, okay, the article appears in Psychologies magazine. It's an article about sex, but only women get to answer. Huh? Well, maybe there's your first problem pinned down straight away - no communication with the men folk!

Yes, several noteworthy and reasonably scrubbed-up-well women-types get to voice their viewpoints, a few of which I shall share. I shall do like Channel 4 though, and quote out of context so I can more fully take the p*ss!

Vitallia F tells us "Eventually sex will stop being sexy". And I say, er, no!

Sarah H, one of the few authors to be interviewed, comes up with the genius bit of insight, "How often you have sex doesn't matter, it's about how you do it". Well, thank you for that now get on yer back! (Ha ha, just joking. Promise. I'm not such a hoodlum, really. I wish.)

Infamous blogger Abby L (still hiding behind a nom de plume - what a wuss! Hee hee!), famous for a voracious sexual appetite (why that should be news, I don't know - if it's good enough for men, then it really should be good enough for women, too), comes up with this gem: "I believe better sex comes from a woman creating an honest dialogue with a partner and getting to know herself". Hmm, how do you go about doing that, exactly, doing your voracious thing? I might as well ask one of those Player types the secret to a good sex-life, hadn't I? Bing-bang-bong would be their reply, no doubt - several times a night. Hmm.

Helen T has something sensible to say. (Yippee!) It goes against the grain, but I reluctantly have to agree with her, "With my current boyfriend I waited a month before we had sex, and it was definitely better for it." Helen doesn't say what was better, but anyway.

And Kim M-D is having a career break. What the f*ck! What is having a career break? Is it being a Doley? Is it scrounging a living off your other half? Or is it raising a young family like they used to do back in the (bad old) day? Maybe women's lives have progressed so much that they genuinely do take career breaks. Or maybe it's middle class bollox for looking after the kids. I'm not sure.

--

And Boring John? Well, he isn't turned off by sex. Far from it. Very much far from it. (Alas.)

Marmite Anyone?

Who would write an internet dating profile like this (and expect to "get some" after having done so)?

Profile begins...

Why should people get to know you?

Why should you bother reading any further than this line? Well, frankly, I'm bloomin marvellous to put not too fine a point on it. And you'd be mad not to engage with me a little, just to find out more. In fact, I seriously doubt that there are more than a handful of men as lovely, interesting, sexy and plain stonkingly fit as me, on here!

Of course it is all in the eye of the beholder and I may not float your boat, but aren't you just a little bit curious?

Nobody likes a big head, I know, and I am of course affecting this somewhat to garner your attention a little. But I do think I am pretty damned fine, notwithstanding a few flaws here and there. (I like to think of my flaws as material to work with! It would be boring, after all, if there were no challenges for you. Don't you agree? ;-) )

The trouble with being so marvellous, though is that I'm in demand. This is especially so in this online world where others post pics of themselves when they were skinny and twenty-something, not thinking that the balding forty-year old fatty squashed in the corner isn't going to put you off a tad! (Blokes, huh?) So that means I don't need this profile to get lots of interest - I'm looking for the *right kind* of interest and, free tip here, you should be too.

Hey, there will be always be guys on here with bigger cars than me and bigger wallets, bigger brains even, and bigger other stuff for all I care. If big is what matters to you most then I suggest you stop reading now. (Shh, I can here their car keys jangling now!) It's the 'sum of all the parts' thing that really matters, though, if you ask me.

It's also possible that you might find cuter guys on here, too, affecting a 'do you mean me' look of modesty in their photo (just check the Soulmates popular profiles to see what I mean). I'm cool with that. Good luck to 'em. I am not here to be "Popular", I am here to meet a discerning one or two. My photo's hidden but I am more than happy with my physical appearance ta very much.

Describe your ideal match

You don't need to have an eejit attitude like mine, for one thing, but I won't hold it against you if you do, either. Believe me, by bark is worse than my bite - I am actually a lovely man, but how do you say that without sounding like a git? So that means that this bit of my previous profile is still true "It would be great too if you shared my marvel at the world we live in. The world is marvellous, even with all this rain!"

Actually, I believe the world would be a whole lot better place if we all thought more highly of ourselves, in a good way of course. And there's not enough passion on the planet, either. So take a look at some of my passions and imagine yourself joining in...

• Walking. Not just to "pretty places", either; I just love walking anywhere
  
• Going to the movies. Big fan of intelligent and clever, and hate brain-dead (why would I want to kill my brain prematurely?)
  
• Kissing, touching and all that ooh-la-la. (I'm good, what can I say!)
  
• Dancing to groovy beats, or any music with attitude
  
• Writing. Yeah I like writing, and I might even write you a poem, to "get you in the mood"!

There is more, obviously but I have to maintain a little bit of mystery, don't I?

As for you, please be interested in something other than shopping. We're only here for a short time, and buying lots of stuff you don't need every weekend don't sound too imaginative to me. Share my passions or have your own. Be bright, be fun and above all be yourself!

A few last thoughts for you to linger over, then. I don't "do it" for everybody, but just think if I "did it" for you, even if only as a friend. A man with emotional intelligence, with spunk and a modest dollop of charisma, who you might also want to be rude with too - I ask ya, how many of those do you get to the pound, these days?

Anyway, I think I've blown my own trumpet long enough. Over to you: whaddya say? Are you up for something 'different'?

(Hey, at least it beats "liking night's out and night's in".)

Profile ends.

So who would write such a profile?

Answer: He would.

Is it any wonder He's such a frustrated guy? Tch.

Married Man Syndrome

Married Man Syndrome?

Is this an impressive, intelligent article about our much-maligned Married Man?

Does it contain easy-to-say, but hard-to-do wisdom for women and men alike?

Is it food for thought?

Answers on a postcard, please!

PS Yes, I have been busy! Aint you?

Who Said This?

"I cannot be happy whilst you, someone I care about, are not. I am not responsible for your happiness but it does not seem fair for me to find peace when your life is still shadowed in pain?"

Whoever said it, and I have a strong idea which Idiot it was, they are destined to live a life of struggle, for sure.

"It wasn't your fault," said the adult to the little boy in the photo. "It wasn't your fault."

Wipe the tear from your eye, Mr Idiot. It was not Your fault.

BJ? That sounds rude!

"BJ?

"That sounds rude!" she says.

"No it bloody doesn't!" I reply, "They're my initials, Boring John. Can I help it if they're also shared by that activity that women claim to be so great at doing! ('Ouch! Mind yer teeth love!')

"Are you bloody obsessed with sex or what?"

Well. Are you?

More Sex!

I've just been doing a review of "my world" and you know what...

there's not enough SEX!

What's wrong with me! Don't I like doin it or something?

There's also a complete absence of Love, Death, Hatred, Laughter and definitely, definitely, definitely not enough about internet dating. (Oh boy, I could write for hours about that kind of loopy love!)

So I'm putting the record straight.

I've now created 5 new labels, and I may go through by back catalogue (!) of postings and add where appropriate. Or I might just write some new posts about love, death, hatred (nasty business), laughter (not enuf!) and internet dating (loopy business).

Care to comment?

No wisdom in MySpace!

I got this bulletin the other day. It's been removed by the poster so I can't remember the full details, but it kinda goes like this (obviously I've improved the grammar and spelling!)

Subject: Women beware men [summat like that]

Just to let you know that my friend met this man the
other day from MySpace. He texted and emailed and
wanted to meet up so she finally gave in and agreed
to meet up. Well... They met for a beer and they kissed
and, er, I'll spare you the gory details. Anyway, as he
dropped her off the guy said: "Thank you now fuck off!"
She's really upset [No kidding] and he's not replied to
any of her texts [Again. No kidding]. Why are men such
bastards?

I don't know why all men (implied) are bastards.

But I do wonder why some women are so f*cking stupid.

Don't get me going. I can sense a pedestal moment. No. I will resist. (Still mopping up the blood from the last nasty incident.)

Who am I talking about?

"She had the power of inspiring love, almost anywhere. Forget about making strong men weep. Seven-stone pacifists shouldered their way through street riots to be home in case she called. Family men abandoned sick children to wait in the rain outside her flat. Semi-literate builders and bankers sent her sonnet sequences. She pauperized gigolos, she spayed studs, she hospitalzed heartbreakers. They were never the same again, they lost their heads."

Are you a headless man, then. Do you recognise the woman?

Or, worse, do you have the power to behead?

So who am I talking about?
(See p21 of Marting Amis' London Fields to find out!)

Eating the monkey!

Actually that should be eating the frog!

(Eating the monkey is an altogether different experience, not without its own benefits.)

Basically, eating the frog is about doing the stuff you don't like and doing it first rather than last. Doing it first means it doesn't get to cast a murky shadow over the rest of the day as you worry about doing it later. Doing it first means it's done and you can now get onto doing the nice stuff, energised even, in some cases!)

Come to think of it, maybe eating the monkey is not that different to eating the frog. Eh, ladies? ;-)

Anyway, today I'm going to start eating the frog each and every day! Yum, yum in my tum!

Tuning in to random thoughts!

"What an interesting (and nice woman) she is.

"So why are my thoughts straying to lascivious endeavours?"

I dunno either, dood. Can you keep yer blimmin thoughts to yerself, I'm trying to be a good guy! Ommmm!

Myspace or yours?

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What Do I know About... Rape

What do I know about rape?

Very little.

I'm a male and males don't tend to get raped they tend to do the raping! (Hmm, obviously I am not a rapist and I abhor rape.)

One thing I do know a little bit about is the perception of rape. I think a lot of men think that rape is much less prevalent than the 'figures suggest' and a lot of women think it is much, much more prevalent than the suggested figures. I'm in the second camp, here.

Rape is quite often the case of one person's word against another and is therefore very difficult to prove. It doesn't mean that no rape occurred, though. (Nor does it mean that no 'false claim' was made, either. Read on.)

That's why it annoys me when false claims of rape get so much prevalence in the news (see this Judge jails 'wicked liar' article in The Guardian, for an example). What we have here is evidence that women do occasionally make up false rape claims, but it's not countered by the fact (I say fact loosely, obviously, as we're in the land of perception, here!) that men rape women an awful lot more times than women make up false claims about rape.

We rarely see reports of rape convictions, but the convictions of 'false rape claims' make headline news.

This uneven reporting, to me, simply confirms the fact (to many, especially me) that most rape either doesn't really happen or it isn't really rape. (Not really rape? That's something else I know little about other than men and women seem to have very different views on what rape actually is.)

If it frustrates me, how must women whose lives are affected by it, feel?

What do I know?

Nothing. Much.

Riddler?

"There are 3 woman. A blonde. A brunette. and a red head. Which do i
choose and why is that a good decision? P.S.which one will get me some."

As my good ol' friend Ego Fatigo would say...

"To see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it."

He also said: "Tch! What a plonker!"

Men honest after orgasm?

I heard it said somewhere (can't find where!) that men achieve a state of emotional honesty (I'm making this expression up, sorry!) in the few minutes straight after they orgasm.

That's not to say that they don't tell lies straight after - yeah, you are the best baby (lol) - it's to say that they don't tell lies to themselves.

I can vouch for this.

Yes, Boring John is a man!

And he has had a few orgasms. (Only for research purposes, of course!)

Reconcilliations

Normally I prefer to write about 'him' and 'her' and not me (the world famous Boring John. You think I'm joking about Boring John's fame? He's famous in my world, baby! Ya get me!)

Anyway, *I* met someone on Saturday that I haven't seen for nearly a year, for one of those reconcilliation-type gigs.

My very long day started at 4.30am, and I rode my bicycle into town in time for the 6.16am train headed for Manchester. I arrived in Banbury at 10am, and met my friend at Cafe Quay at 11am. I left Banbury at 7pm and arrived home at about 11.30pm (thanks to a friend who let me put my bike in her car).

I was very nervous.

Yes, it was just another one of those boy-girl friendships that became something more, and then became something very much less (spectacularly so!). One of those 'how could you let it happen' situations that it's easy to be glib, smug and wiser than wise about, when it's not you involved.

But it was me involved, and I had those 'I need the loo now' anxiety blues! (Thanks, Morrisons supermarket. You keep a fine Gents.)

It wasn't a nice feeling. (The reconcilliation went well, though.)

It got me thinking about another, more famous, reconcilliation that took place between two people I know on May 3rd, 2004. There was no nervousness, I'm told, just the feeling that the protagonists were bit-part players (for a moment) in one of those fantastical movies, y'know like The Fisher King.

And then it got me thinking about reconcilliations, full stop...

People sometimes just don't get on.

That's because, borne out of their own pain, people can behave quite horribly to each other.

People can act out their neuroses and fear, often in all innocence, and fail to understand how antagonistic and unwelcome their behaviour is.

However, and this is a 'feel good' story after all (at least to me), as long as there can be reconcilliation and forgiveness there can be hope; there can be love.

So I say Amen to reconcilliations (and turn that music up!)

What Women Want!

Three little words - what women say that they want:

• Personality
• Physical attractiveness
• Excitement

Three little words - what women really want, even if they don't know it:

• Confidence
• Mystery
• Self-respect

Now I don't write the above to decry women, or call them fools, because men are just as bad at saying one thing but meaning another.

It's just human nature, or the difference between conscious and sub-conscious thought.

Instead, I write the above merely as an aide-memoire (to me) so that I stop trying to nice my way into a woman's knickers. (Old nice-guy habits die hard you see, what can I tell ya! I blame me Mum. If only we had had the conversation beginning: "That's very sweet, John, but if you really want some booty action, remember this..." when I was at that impressionable age. Instead it went: "That's very nice, John... Ah, isn't he lovely?". Lovely! Who wants to be lovely when your hormones are raging!)

So now I know to say nowt, and say it with a confident swagger.

You see, I told you I know what women want: John Wayne, that's who!

("Get--on--the--dance-floor--and--take--my-- hand!")

PS If you are a woman, and know much better than me what women really want, then please do leave a comment. No, really! I'd also like to discuss why men lie, why your religion really is the only true religion, and whether your bum really does look big in this. :-)

PPS The truth is I nearly know what women want. I predict I will have complete comprehension of women a few seconds before I die. Nice. Just when you need it.

More Banging On!

Hi

I like "banging on" as much as the rest of ya, I really do.

I can round up several of the usual (and unusual) suspects to vouch for it, too.

Admittedly sometimes I "bang on" when I'm not meant to be "banging on", and in a way that aint no fun for no-one. But I aint perfect. I'm saving perfection for my next life, see. (Clever, eh!)

Anyway, I'm 'banging on' a bit about "banging on".

Let's just say that the following videos represent 'Game, set, match' to me in terms of content and music. No stick figures they!

Or, and I'd like this be the final word on this particular matter, bang on this, Monkey Girl, bang on this!

Boring (Monkey One) John

PS Never forget, "I've got something to put in you!" ;-)

Banging on?

(Yawn.)