Why I'm So Boring! Or...

My life as a boy!

Sitting in my garden, on a sunny afternoon.

Does it get much better than this? I don't think so...

Ah, this is the life. (For me!)

Now We Are Two

Yes, now we are two.

And a third blog is on the way.

But you'll never find it.

("You'll never take me alive copper!")

Ah, the not-so-childhood joy of Big Vern!

Other Johns I'm Interested In...

I am not the only John in the world!

I know, it sounds shocking, but it's true.

In fact John is quite a common name. So common that some prefer to be called Johnny. E.g. Johnny Rotten, and - as it happens - another John I'm interested in, Zoe's dad: Johnny Ball (Shame about the 70s-style framed site, Mr Johnny - eek! Web 2.0? That site's more like Web 0.2! Funny, but I must not laugh at my own jokes. That is, after all, the first rule (or one of the first rules, anyway) of being a famous (and modest!) celebrity.)

(Oh, and I couldn't forget Mr Shuttleworth, now could I! Mr boring John himself! Same web designer as Johnny Ball, I see!... )

Other Johns?

Well John McEnroe's quite an interesting character, for sure...

Do I Got Problems?

Problems...

The following sounds nonsense, but I believe it, especially regarding my current, ongoing, 'problems' regarding the opposite sex. (Opposite sex? Why are they the opposite sex, exactly? Opposite, is quite a strong word, don't you think!)

Anyway, back to the wacky words...

A so-called problem is nothing more or less than a given set of circumstances and things that are happening at aparticular time and in a particular place.

What makes a situation a "problem" is the difficulty *you*assign to it.

In other words...

A problem isn't really a problem...(*)

So, I agree.

The trick is... making it my reality.

It might help if we all repeat this together: "This is not a problem", "This is not a problem", "This is not a problem", "This is not a problem", ("I am not crap")...

* With thanks to... The Personal Power Course

One Week Later...

I've been to the moon (and back), and that takes a little time these days. What with the hold-ups on the M25, and everything it was all I could do to get back here within 8 days.

I'm not making excuses, honest I'm not.

Okay, perhaps I didn't go to the moon, but I did glimpse the future, or at least my future. And it looks all cosy and homely. Awwhhh. It could be in Spain, or it could be amongst the hills of Yorkshire (or both). Looks good either way. Now I just have to navigate between here and there.

Mind your backs! Moon-trotter (and hopeless dreamer) coming through...

Cosmic Ordering

Cosmic Ordering?

"Cosmic ordering is nonsense" says the stupid narrow-minded Bishop, whilst praying to the almighty is clearly sensible.

Can you sense someone feeling their toes being slightly stood on, here?

And all the cynical believe-nothings? They will be chuckling in their beer at the madness of the arguments. (Sipping the same beer they've drunk all their life, mind! Why change, after all?)

Spirituality, cosmic ordering et al. is going to kick religious ass until someone clever decides to -- and I really, really love this word! -- co-opt it into the mainstream of religion thinking. (You know, like they did with Easter and Christmas.)

My comment? Thoughts, without actions won't get you very far.

So, here's that link again
- Cosmic Ordering

(I'm making an order for people not to buy the book! ;) Get outta that one!)

More Mythical Nonsense...

"All the best things in life come packaged in a ribbon of risk. You untie the gift, you assume the risk, and equally, the joy. Parenthood is like that. Marriage is like that. Friendship is like that. In order to experience life in the full sense, you expose yourself to a bottomless pit of vulnerability. That is the essence of true love." - Kristin Armstrong(*)

I think this is what I was trying to say in my Mythical Creatures post.

* Courtesy of MyDailyInsights

Musical talent is the what?

Ah, I see

(Will You always be more cleverer than me?)

Anyway, this issue will revert back to script which is all about... Issues.

Big issues and little issues.

You see, I have issues, it seems.

And I say "so what?". I continue "If you aint got issues, you aint livin, sista!"

Issues? Bring 'em on.

PS Finally -- the cry of all internet marketers everywhere, ha! -- the spell is broken. Now, should I choose to, I can start giving You the hard time I've been accused of doing for the last two years. Oh yes, I'ma get deliberate on your ass!(*)

* Actually, my favourite line from a Pulp Fiction full of favourite lines is by Marsellus Wallace, but it's this one: "Nah, man! I'm pretty fuckin' far from OK".

Did you know?

Well, did you?

I must not get distracted...

I must not get distracted

I must not get distracted

I must not get distracted

I must not get distracted

I must not get distracted

(It's not working! The phone's ringing; my buddies are on IM; email; text... )

I must not get distracted

I must not get distracted

I must not get distracted...

One Red Paper Clip?

Maaan, there's some crazy (but clever) people out there!

What does One Red Paper Clip have to do with the world of Boring John?

Nowt, but we Boring Johns are not all 1-dimensional 'meaning of life types' you know. We do occasionally have a giggle. (I remember it well, Thursday Oct 12th - a 10 minute giggle. Oooh, it was great... ;-) )

Laughing Buddha?

...Well it's something he might say, that's for sure.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Amen to that, eh!

(I have trouble with 4. and 5., for sure!)

--

Courtesy of My Daily Insights

News flash: other people can make sensible comments too about life, etc.

...I know, I fell off my chair too

But here it is, unedited, the wise words of another. (There is hope after all!)

"People need to stop being so reserved and calculating and dare to be open to the idea that every stranger is a potential friend. (stick that on your blog!)"

I did.

Look.

Now let me get meself up off the floor...

OK Bloke?

"It's okay," I say, "we'll just have sex, or be friends, depending on the pheromones!"

"Ah, my English is not so good," she replies, "you misunderstand me."

Do I?

Mythical Creatures...

3. Prince Charming

This was going to be the beginning of my personal ad. for a dating site I was *going* to join...

If you're looking for Prince Charming, Mr Right or any other mythical creatures then I have these word of caution for you:

1) I'm not your man

2) And, if you think you've found him after a few emails, a flurry of text message flirts and two great dates then... I'm *definitely* not your man.

Prince Charming's, like most mythical creatures, are very elusive!

In fact they are so cunningly elusive that they pretend to be everything but "Mr Rights" when you meet them. And this is especially true if you happen to be looking for a "Mr Right" at the time.

The harder you look for him, the more this chameleon becomes what you're not looking for.

Your instincts tell you he's wrong. And when have your instincts ever been wrong, before?

You want to meet someone different, someone [insert ideal male characteristics here].

The trouble is, when you meet that someone special -- and this is the Hollywood edit of this pouty-piece, where I clumsily hammer home the point I'm trying to make -- you don't know how to deal with that person.

You don't trust them, or you don't understand why they behave differently to the other men you've been with. Shouldn't it be easier than this, you think? (Remember what happened the last time it was *real easy*? Don't give me that adamant "I don't know what you're talking about look" to me, you know exactly what happened.

'Tits up' is exactly what I'm saying, or tights down (far too fast)!)

What do you expect from a Mythical Creature, really?

The same ol' same ol'?

It's meant to be a challenge, finding the One, so take the challenge. Challenge yourself to think differently, to respond differently, to act differently!

Here endeth the sermon from Boring John, 'the one' for someone who can be arsed to look for him.

Of course, I'm just an ordinary man - not *even* a woman; there's nothing mythical or special about me. So who am I to tell you about finding the right guy?

After all, you're just single now because you choose to be; because you've been 'unlucky in love'; because there genuinely *is* a shortage of 'good guys' out there.

Yeah, I hear ya girl, 'lo siento' and all that.

(Insert Typical Homer Simpson sound here!)

As I said, I was going to put that in my profile.

I don't think it's gonna float, though. No sane woman's gonna listen to that nonsense now is she?

Too sunny...

It's far too sunny to write anything today, so I'm not going to.

Apart from this quote taken from the random Google world...

"The only thing that has the power to break this vicious cycle is for everyone to love everyone with the full grace of Heaven in the love of God.

"Otherwise, hell will rule our homes and our lives while we suffer through serving ulterior motives as the ruling power over what we call 'having a life."

- Khalifa Abdur-Raheem

Actually, it wasn't completely at random, was it...?

Another day...

but what to say?

Hmm.

How about a quick musing on the ease of misunderstanding?

I have placated, seduced, and utterly annoyed via the words I used in an email, a text message and even on instant messenger. And I'm not Mr Insensitive here, either. I actually consider the words I used very carefully (except for that one time, when a moronic co-worker sent me an email telling me, completely unapologetically and illiterately, that she doesn't do emails. There was more, but I won't bore you. I am surprised I didn't get sacked or at least cautioned.)

Anyway, normally I do emails, and I do them very well. But, well sometimes it's more or less impossible to make yourself understood.

I have observed this phenomenon on several occasions. (Yes they involved me, and yes that is a coincidence.)

Sometimes, people - and that includes me - just don't get it.

It's fascinating to observe it (if you can observe it, and don't get caught up in it).

So is it any wonder then.

What?

Well, when you can get this kind of misunderstanding, and thus anger and resentment, from emails between friends or colleagues, is it any wonder (people) that the world is at freakin(*) war.

* God Bless America! Sorry, I meant to say God Bless The Simpsons.

Oh, and if anyone's after a voice over artist. I know just the woman...

April 1st Creatures...

This is the story of 5 ordinary people, my April 1st Creatures.

In no particular order, there names are:

Anushka
Barry
Clive
Doreen
Ember

But this story is about you, and it's about me.

And I may be arsed to tell it, soon