And finally?

"A blog is a Web site, usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video. Entries are commonly displayed in reverse-chronological order."

... blah, blah, blah. Thus speaks Wikipedia. As for me, well all I know is that blogging takes a lot of time and energy. I mean, all that updating on a regular basis, all that keeping up with the Joneses - who's got time for it? Not me, that's for sure.

So if all you're interested in is finding it out first or funniest, then you will not want to explore my lil' blog. You'll see the date - Jan 1st, 2009 - and think to yourself who wants to read yesterday's news.

Who indeed?

And what I say to you in return is a polite "adios amigo" - I hope you get your fill of all that up-to-date whizz-bang BLOG, I really do. See ya!...

And to anyone else still left reading I say take a look around! Read what happened in May 2006. Wonder what I know about wisdom, words or welationships. Or take a peek around the world in 30 days.

As I said, blogs have voracious appetites for new content. Content, content, content! New, new, new! And I just ain't got time for it! And I know dammed well that you ain't read hardly any of the stuff I've written so far.

So, please, get reading. Check out the labels on the left, and dive in. I do not bite. Not unless you ask me, of course.

Cos I'm off, see! Got bigger fish to fry. (I hope.) Go on! Click on those links on the left hand side. It won't hurt. I promise. And leave the actress and the bishop alone, eh!

---

And so, as 2009 begins, I'd like to bow out with a few last sentences. Both have been used many times before, but they've never made an appearance together. So give it up for...

• And it's goodbye from me, and it's goodbye from Him!
  
  and
  
  
• "That's how two characters should dance together in life."

THE END

Day 26: One Day in the Life of...

One day in the life of Boring John...

(Yes, you can see why that Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn went with my mate Ivan Denisovich instead of me, can't you! Sometimes bugger all happens in my day, it really does!)

Day 25: Boring Names...

Ian is a bit of a boring name - like John, I agree.

But that doesn't mean that some of us Johns (and Ians) can't get up to stuff, now do it!

Me and Ian Dury don't think so, anyway...

(RIP Ian, mate. Looking good!...)

Day 22: Use it or...

lose it!


(9 days left, and counting)


Your comments are always welcome, dear reader.

Day21 : Did I Make You Look?

You dirty duck!

Day 13: My Life as a Blog (2007)

With only 102 posts, the blog took a back seat to The Book. And, as I slowly started to exercise my vocal chords there, so too did I decide that this blog was my blog and not His! (Well, it does say The World According to Boring John. It certainly don't say The World According to Boring Steve. Nope!)

So, 2007 was kinda fun. And We (mostly me) covered topics like these:

# Communication

# Fear
# Internet Dating
# Life

# People
# Problems (Hey, I got 99 of those, but...)

# Relationships
# Sex
# Tosh, and
# Wisdom

Some say 2007 was a vintage year. I say 2009 will be so much better, when I can get up to all kinds of shenanigans outside the not-so-intense gaze of both blogosphere and bookosphere.

And I shall be Prince's inspiration no more!

Day 9: Time Check

It's Day 9 of Around 'The World' in 30 Days

It's Thursday

It's five to five (well, it was 2 and a bit hours ago)

And it's, well it's not Crackerjack, but it's December 4th which is... close?

...And that's me done for another day.

Lame, I know, but I got a runny nose so what ya gonna do!...

"And that's how two characters should dance together in life"

And that's how two characters should dance together in life?

Yes, and it's all explained here in this (almost finished*) version of The World According to Boring John (PDF version) - you'll need a password!**

Enjoy! I know I didn't.

* This book may never get finished - He may not be up to it!
** And the password is... - contact me (or Him) for it!

Boring John EXTRAS

"Extra, extra, read all about it!"

Can you believe it? Finally, after nearly twelve months of hard graft - by God I worked hard on this project, I can tell you! - I have something to show for it. No, The World According to Boring John is not available as paperback (it's not even being published at a future date, yet), but...

The World According to Boring John "EXTRAS" is available for dowload. Free download too.

Yep, all you have to do is follow the simple download instructions, below. Then you can read the Boring John EXTRAS (a kind of 'DVD Extras' but for a book, that gives you a sample of The Real Thing(#) - how novel - containing 'deleted scenes', a full collection of poems, 'alternative versions' of prose, and even new material), and leave me some feedback. Simple.

So come on, get on with it! Get downloading (right-click mouse, and Save As 'Boring John EXTRAS')

Oh! And I do want some bloody feedback! You bet I do. One year of work and you don't even care to comment? Hey, getouttahere! Send me an email, huh, when you've done! (And you should be able to read nearly all of the "EXTRAS" (in PDF ebook format) quite quickly. I'd skip the Diary of a Nobody chapter, though - well, it was the only bit I didn't write after all! Heheh.)

Note: your feedback might make it into the EXTRAS book. So make it witty, eh!

My email address is boringjohn_at_gmaildotcom(*). Do get in touch, and send me your feedback, positive or negative. I can take it - I'm a big boy, now!

Download Instructions for Boring John "EXTRAS":



Boring John "EXTRAS" - Right-click here!

Instructions:

1. Simply right-click the image and Save As (suggested filename: 'Boring John EXTRAS').
   
   
2. Oh, and make sure you know where you're saving as, eh! Don't save the PDF in any ol' folder, and definitely not in any folder with dodgy images (if you know what I mean) - I've got standards to maintain, y'know. I suggest saving to the desktop. Nice and easy for you to not forget to open and read me, eh!

Go on then, get to it!

Don't forget: download, read, send feedback. (In that order, preferably. Go on!)

* That's an anti-spam email address in case you didn't realise it. I don't want some rich American (or Russian) jerk (or jerkov) trying to sell me Hoodia products (huh!) or Viagra tablets (pah, as if I'd need such artificial stimulations - lol) by spamming me to death, morning, noon and night. Oh yes, I know all the tricks of the trade when it comes to not getting spam. How so? I read this bloody article several times, that's how.

# This blog is called The World According to Boring John. But there's a novel of the same name in the making too --ooh! - all about me and my world (some of the blog posts appear too). That's what I'm talking about when I say The Real Thing. Ya follow?

Solving Your Problems - Why Random Answers Don't Work

We all have problems in life, some more difficult to solve than others. (Tell me about it!) But it NEVER helps when people, 'friends', claim that a solution is close at hand, though; that solving your problem is as easy as picking some random words of wisdom.

Yes, I'm about to debunk the myth of solving problems by choosing random answers, and I'm about to do it using examples of real people's problems and revealing the daft answers they received.

Bring it on!

"Simply hold a problem in your mind, and type it into the problem box below. Then click on the Red Pill and there will be your answer (chosen at random)"

That's what it says at website EgoFatigo.com . And d'you know what I say in return, "Yeah, right. What a load of new age tosh!"

It's obvious that each problem must be viewed on its own, and analysed so as to determine the best way to solve it. That means there's no way an answer plucked at random from the electrons buzzing around the interweb can help you. In my not so humble opinion, anyway.

There are no broad brush answers to life's problems. Absolutely not.

Sometime's it is not my fault; sometimes the solution to all our problems does not lie within; sometimes the person with the problem is the other guy (and the next time he shows his face, I'll smack 'im, I really will!).

Don't believe me? Well, you're probably the sort of person that doesn't believe hard evidence when they see it, but I'll show you it to you anyway. Y'see, I went to one of these so-called problem-solving websites, EgoFatigo.com, and I took a look at the problems being solved (and the random answers it gave). And I've reprinted some of those examples below - with permission of course.

Note: these examples are real (including the bad grammar) and they were (more or less) chosen at random, too.

So let's take a look at the results, shall we.

1. "My problem is that I can't think of a problem!"

Random answer:

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks ofchanging himself." - Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

2. "There are 3 woman. A blonde. a brunette. and a red head. Which do i choose and why is that a good decision? P.S.which one will get me some."

"To see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it." - Ken Keyes, Jr

3. "This website is to complicated with the weird answers that don't make any sense?"

Random answer:

"The person without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder." - Thomas Carlyle

4. "Now I have decided to grow up, get a mortgage and have a baby, I don't have anyone to have a baby or settle down with. Do I pick a nice boy with no personality that pays the bills before it's too late? Or do I hold out for a super dude that may not exist eh?"

Random answer:

"One person caring about another represents life's greatest value." - Jim Rohn

5. "Right - so now you're telling me to hold out for someone and persist instead of settling for less right? Isn't that directly opposite to you just telling me caring about someone and having someone to care about me being what mattered in life? When do I get my million pounds and where's my t shirt?"

Random answer:

"Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go." - William Feather

6. "People sometimes forget that I am human so why shouldn't I feel sorry for myself if no one else will."

Random answer:

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily -- by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." - Aristotle

7. "There isn't a 'solve another problem' option so I have to go back twice - what can I do?"

Random answer:

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily -- by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." - Aristotle

8. "When I did the second one about there not being a 'solve another problem' button - it gave me the same answer - is this because I went back twice?"

Random answer:

"He who knows others is learned. He who knows himself is wise." - Lao-Tzu

9. "I need to move a sofa and I cant get a man with a van and all the places are shut!"

Random answer:

"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." - Jonathan Kozol

10. "I'm clinically obese, what should I do?"

Random answer:

"Expect your every need to be met, expect the answer to every problem, expect abundance on every level, expect to grow spiritually." - Eileen Caddy

11. "Why cant I hold a job for longer then three months?"

Random answer:

"Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress." - Ghandi

--

Ahem, ahem, ahem! Need I comment further? Really?

Here we saw duplicate answers; the clinically obese encouraged to eat what they want; answers to problems that aren't even problems, etc. This kind of problem-solving sometimes antagonises more than soothes, it really does. Just read this, for example, from one such frustrated person with a 'problem':

12. "My problem is [EgoFatigo.com], it sucks and i think it will probably make me go braindead from boredom and the whole stupidity of it"

Random answer:

"You should always be aware that your head creates your world." - Ken Keyes

--

Clearly, the above is mumbo-jumbo nonsense.

Even the answers aren't random, but generalisations (wisdom) that could at a pinch apply to most situations.

Wow, that's clever. Not!

Homer Simpson had it about right when he said, "Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems"

Amen.

If you think this is a load of cynical believe-nothing nonsense then why don't you read part 1 of this article called, Solving Your Problems - Why Random Answers Work? (You'll find it in The World According to Boring John EXTRAS ebook - coming soon to a blog near you!)

Otherwise there really is nothing to see here and you and I should both move on. Problems? What problems!...

Yorkshire Airlines

By 'eck, I couldn'ta put it better meself.

Watch and learn you bloody non-Yorkshire peasants...



And, remember, "If it's not in Yorkshire, it's not worth bloody visiting!"

"I fail to assert my needs"

Who said that then?

Well it obviously wasn't me - not the sort of thing I'm ever heard saying, that's for bloody sure! So I guess it must have been Him. Not only did He say it, he's in a bloody touchy-feely magazine saying it WITH HIS PHOTO! Soft Git!

The thing is, He's proud of his answer-piece about how how men and women communicate (or something) - he's not embarassed at all. No wonder his siblings think he's, er, 'different'.

So, the magazine?

Psychologies magazine of course, dear blog reader - what other magazine could it possibly be?

(When am I going to get the interview callup for Nuts magazine, or Zoo, that's what I want to know? Then I'll tell Nuts about my failing to assert my needs - failing at least 3 times a night, I should coco! Heheh! )

Isn't it about time...

I said something here!

Yep, I guess it is.

O-kay...








"SOMETHING!"








Now come back when I can be bothered to say something important. Right now, I can't. I'm reposing. Ya got a problem with that? Well, let's take it outside, shall we? I'll wait for ya. No better still, you wait for me. I'll be there in a jiffy...

(Etc.)

The Salmon Dance?

Is this De La Soul or maybe it's even a quirkier-than-usual Lemon Jelly.

Nah, tis The Chemicals (press play!)...


Fancy.

Actually, I don't fancy yours much at all! ("Who's hungry?")

Marmite Anyone?

Who would write an internet dating profile like this (and expect to "get some" after having done so)?

Profile begins...

Why should people get to know you?

Why should you bother reading any further than this line? Well, frankly, I'm bloomin marvellous to put not too fine a point on it. And you'd be mad not to engage with me a little, just to find out more. In fact, I seriously doubt that there are more than a handful of men as lovely, interesting, sexy and plain stonkingly fit as me, on here!

Of course it is all in the eye of the beholder and I may not float your boat, but aren't you just a little bit curious?

Nobody likes a big head, I know, and I am of course affecting this somewhat to garner your attention a little. But I do think I am pretty damned fine, notwithstanding a few flaws here and there. (I like to think of my flaws as material to work with! It would be boring, after all, if there were no challenges for you. Don't you agree? ;-) )

The trouble with being so marvellous, though is that I'm in demand. This is especially so in this online world where others post pics of themselves when they were skinny and twenty-something, not thinking that the balding forty-year old fatty squashed in the corner isn't going to put you off a tad! (Blokes, huh?) So that means I don't need this profile to get lots of interest - I'm looking for the *right kind* of interest and, free tip here, you should be too.

Hey, there will be always be guys on here with bigger cars than me and bigger wallets, bigger brains even, and bigger other stuff for all I care. If big is what matters to you most then I suggest you stop reading now. (Shh, I can here their car keys jangling now!) It's the 'sum of all the parts' thing that really matters, though, if you ask me.

It's also possible that you might find cuter guys on here, too, affecting a 'do you mean me' look of modesty in their photo (just check the Soulmates popular profiles to see what I mean). I'm cool with that. Good luck to 'em. I am not here to be "Popular", I am here to meet a discerning one or two. My photo's hidden but I am more than happy with my physical appearance ta very much.

Describe your ideal match

You don't need to have an eejit attitude like mine, for one thing, but I won't hold it against you if you do, either. Believe me, by bark is worse than my bite - I am actually a lovely man, but how do you say that without sounding like a git? So that means that this bit of my previous profile is still true "It would be great too if you shared my marvel at the world we live in. The world is marvellous, even with all this rain!"

Actually, I believe the world would be a whole lot better place if we all thought more highly of ourselves, in a good way of course. And there's not enough passion on the planet, either. So take a look at some of my passions and imagine yourself joining in...

• Walking. Not just to "pretty places", either; I just love walking anywhere
  
• Going to the movies. Big fan of intelligent and clever, and hate brain-dead (why would I want to kill my brain prematurely?)
  
• Kissing, touching and all that ooh-la-la. (I'm good, what can I say!)
  
• Dancing to groovy beats, or any music with attitude
  
• Writing. Yeah I like writing, and I might even write you a poem, to "get you in the mood"!

There is more, obviously but I have to maintain a little bit of mystery, don't I?

As for you, please be interested in something other than shopping. We're only here for a short time, and buying lots of stuff you don't need every weekend don't sound too imaginative to me. Share my passions or have your own. Be bright, be fun and above all be yourself!

A few last thoughts for you to linger over, then. I don't "do it" for everybody, but just think if I "did it" for you, even if only as a friend. A man with emotional intelligence, with spunk and a modest dollop of charisma, who you might also want to be rude with too - I ask ya, how many of those do you get to the pound, these days?

Anyway, I think I've blown my own trumpet long enough. Over to you: whaddya say? Are you up for something 'different'?

(Hey, at least it beats "liking night's out and night's in".)

Profile ends.

So who would write such a profile?

Answer: He would.

Is it any wonder He's such a frustrated guy? Tch.

Blue Moon

What happens once in a so-called blue moon?

Good fortune, perhaps? Well, it all depends which way you're inclined, I guess. Gary Player was once attributed to have said, "The harder I work, the luckier I get". So you may well be favoured by good fortune more often than once in a blue moon, or it may never happen, it all depends on the type of person you are. (Oh yes it does!) So, I say no.

Meeting someone special? Well, the very word special implies that it's something that might not happen very often, that might indeed happen once in a blue moon. So I say probably.

A blue moon? Well, full marks to the clever clogs at the back. Yes, a blue moon does happen once in a blue moon. Well done. Take a bow. And so on. Mr Delmonte (and I) say yes.

PS Anyone into blue moons please feel free to leave a comment, below. I'd love to know how you yourself are affected by such strange goings on up above.

"I'm Back!..."

"At last! After over six hundred and sixty days"

"Bigger, badder, better!

"I'm back!

"C'mon!"

Erm, that was a message from my, er, sponsor!

I too, will be back soon... bigger, badder and better. Er, c'mon!

(Watch this space in 2008. The World According to Boring John as paper book!)

Who Said This?

"I cannot be happy whilst you, someone I care about, are not. I am not responsible for your happiness but it does not seem fair for me to find peace when your life is still shadowed in pain?"

Whoever said it, and I have a strong idea which Idiot it was, they are destined to live a life of struggle, for sure.

"It wasn't your fault," said the adult to the little boy in the photo. "It wasn't your fault."

Wipe the tear from your eye, Mr Idiot. It was not Your fault.

This Is A Message To YOU

Yes, this is a message to all of my subscribers (> 1 and < 10) who keep on reading what I have to say for myself. Thanks :-)

(NOTE: If you're not a subscriber then why are you still reading this post? I mean, really! Bloody well go and subscribe and join a true elite. One day you'll be happy you did. You'll be able to tell your Grandchildren that "I was one of the first subscribers". You don't want to be one of those saps who just went to the same ol' pub rather than make that little extra effort on that legendary night to watch some beat-combo called The Beatles in a place called The Cavern. Do you? Do I make my point? Go and bloody subscribe and don't read any further until you have. By Order Of Boring John!)

I'm sorry for being a bit quiet but I'm writing it all down in me little book called The World According To Boring John. (Original, eh!)

I will give you a dedication, though (I'm writing my dedications now, actually)

AND, just so's you'll keep on popping on by:

"Lots of love from me to you xx"

;-)

Me and Thomas Jefferson Agree...

"Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom."

Yes. It's quotations time, folks. Maybe you think that a lot of those words of wisdom are a lot of tosh or easier said than done or whatever. Well let me tell you whatever.

Whatever!

When your days are done; when the earth is no more; and when the universe has shrivelled back into the hole whence it came, the words of wisdom you sneer at unbelievingly, well they will still be true.

Wisdom will always be.

Just because you, and me sometimes don't get me wrong, can't fit wisdom into your time-pressured existence don't make it wrong.

It aint wrong, it's the truth; can ya stand the double truth (Ruth)?

As regards honesty, it's one of the few things I admire about Da Other Guy actually. He don't always achieve perfect honesty but he has always, since I have known him anyway, held honesty to be one of his core values.

So, dude, today I salute You!

But tomorrow Your toned-up health-freak of an ass is mine!