I know this woman, you probably know one too, who couldn't find love. She'd meet men, lots of them, but one thing or another wasn't right. Then she meets this guy -- this is not autobiographical by the way, I was not that man; I wish -- and he likes her, and she likes him. But then, subconsciously, as the relationship develops, she tries to put him second -- yes, she still likes him but she won't be able to stay with him that weekend; she tries to get her way. The man isn't happy with this, though. He uses the word no. "You can stay with me," he says, "and we can meet your friends or let's just not bother. "
And what did she say?
"I do."
And what else did she say?
"Men have let me get away with everything, in the past."
(And she doesn't respect those men.) I said that.
The moral of the story? Sometimes women have to be tamed, for want of a better word. (I thought to use broken in but it would give entirely the wrong meaning to what I'm trying to say. Nice image, though, eh! Lol.)
Yes, sometimes they need, nay crave, to be tamed. The winner -- the so-called Mr Right -- is the man who does the taming. Simple. As. That.
Okay, back to me. (That's why I'm writing this after all.)
Okay, so if taming works for women then why doesn't it work for men?
Okay, when I say men I mean Boring John.
Does Boring John need to be tamed?
Yes.
Okay, where are the taming instructions then?
It doesn't work like that.
In fact, you have to ignore what Boring John or the man or the woman says about what they need, what they want and what they fear, to a large extent. This is one case where actions speak louder than words.
Take (appropriate) action.
It isn't easy, but it is doable. (Is that a real word- doable?)
--
Anyway, the point of this whole piece is that it isn't Boring John's fault that he's a sad ol' git all alone. It's all cos no-one ever tamed him.
And that makes him feel all comfortable and somewhat smug. Yes, it's everyone else's fault not his. Yes the world is indeed wonderful - thank you Louis. And yes, I will buy your Big Issue, I will...
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
What's Wrong With The Wife?
What's wrong with The Wife?
The Wife
My wife
The difference?
Discuss.
--
(Note: this is now, officially, the first poem I have written for years. Hurrah! (I think it's poetic, anyway.) Perhaps I shall add it to my collection.)
The Wife
My wife
The difference?
Discuss.
--
(Note: this is now, officially, the first poem I have written for years. Hurrah! (I think it's poetic, anyway.) Perhaps I shall add it to my collection.)
No wisdom in MySpace!
I got this bulletin the other day. It's been removed by the poster so I can't remember the full details, but it kinda goes like this (obviously I've improved the grammar and spelling!)
Subject: Women beware men [summat like that]
Just to let you know that my friend met this man the
other day from MySpace. He texted and emailed and
wanted to meet up so she finally gave in and agreed
to meet up. Well... They met for a beer and they kissed
and, er, I'll spare you the gory details. Anyway, as he
dropped her off the guy said: "Thank you now fuck off!"
She's really upset [No kidding] and he's not replied to
any of her texts [Again. No kidding]. Why are men such
bastards?
I don't know why all men (implied) are bastards.
But I do wonder why some women are so f*cking stupid.
Don't get me going. I can sense a pedestal moment. No. I will resist. (Still mopping up the blood from the last nasty incident.)
Subject: Women beware men [summat like that]
Just to let you know that my friend met this man the
other day from MySpace. He texted and emailed and
wanted to meet up so she finally gave in and agreed
to meet up. Well... They met for a beer and they kissed
and, er, I'll spare you the gory details. Anyway, as he
dropped her off the guy said: "Thank you now fuck off!"
She's really upset [No kidding] and he's not replied to
any of her texts [Again. No kidding]. Why are men such
bastards?
I don't know why all men (implied) are bastards.
But I do wonder why some women are so f*cking stupid.
Don't get me going. I can sense a pedestal moment. No. I will resist. (Still mopping up the blood from the last nasty incident.)
More Myspace Madness
A True Boyfriend Would...
-Call her EVERY night
- Leave her sweet texts to wake up to
- Sneak up behind her
- Grab her by the waist
- Tell her she has amazing eyes
- When your friends walk by say this is my girlfriend
- Say i love you to her face not JUST over the phone
- If she's sad, take her in your arms and tell her everything will be okay
- NEVER CHEAT ON HER!!!
- Kiss her on the forehead
- Tickle her even when she says stop
- Don't say i love you Unless you Mean It.
- Listen to her when she talks
- Tell her your secrets.
- Protect her.
- Show her the respect she deserves.
Girls repost as - a true boyfriend would ..
Guys repost as - I would do this for her anyday
Boring John repost as - And what would a true girlfriend do in return to get this perfect boyfriend?
Lol.
Can you really imagine how long a relationship would last if a girl actually had a so-called true boyfriend!
Imagine telling a girl - I prefer the word woman, actually - "I love you" only when you meant it. Yep! No sex, no fun and probably no relationship.
Imagine tickling a woman even when she tells you to stop - "F*CKING STOP, Aaargh". Yep. No fun, a black eye and probably no relationship.
Even worse, imagine telling a woman your true secrets - "you see, I fancy your friend too and would secretly love to do her and you in a threesome". Yep! No balls, no sex and probably no relationship.
Note: there's a reason that secrets are secrets darling. "What goes on in my head stays in my head"
Okay, granted. Never cheat on her. I agree on that one. That's just a baad thing to do, mon. Don't go there. Especially with her sister. (Believe!) Lol
Boring John's not bitter. Oh no. The fact that he was this perfect boyfriend once (as near as dammit, anyway!) and what did it get him. Yep! No sex, no fun and definitely no relationship.
The thing is, if the above boyfriend stuff worked, then men would do it.
Darwin is to be blame for this startling revelation, not Boring John. It's called evolution. It's called trying stuff out and seeing what happens. It's also called saying one thing, and meaning another.
So, whilst I'm on me bloody pedestal, bitter and twisted like, here's a Myspace Message back at ya!
WOMEN! If you want men to change, then change how you behave towards them!
Otherwise, stop moaning. Ahright!
(Obviously, the same goes to MEN too with regards to women. To these creatures ruled by their paints, stop fawning at big boobed numbskulls, complaining later that you have nothing to talk to her about and she really only likes you for your money and fast cars. Well, d'uh! Etc. You can fill in the gaps, especially if you are a woman!)
Right. I'm getting a nose bleed from standing so high up on this pedestal.
Actually, that's the worst thing about being perfect - the nosebleeds!
See ya later.
-Call her EVERY night
- Leave her sweet texts to wake up to
- Sneak up behind her
- Grab her by the waist
- Tell her she has amazing eyes
- When your friends walk by say this is my girlfriend
- Say i love you to her face not JUST over the phone
- If she's sad, take her in your arms and tell her everything will be okay
- NEVER CHEAT ON HER!!!
- Kiss her on the forehead
- Tickle her even when she says stop
- Don't say i love you Unless you Mean It.
- Listen to her when she talks
- Tell her your secrets.
- Protect her.
- Show her the respect she deserves.
Girls repost as - a true boyfriend would ..
Guys repost as - I would do this for her anyday
Boring John repost as - And what would a true girlfriend do in return to get this perfect boyfriend?
Lol.
Can you really imagine how long a relationship would last if a girl actually had a so-called true boyfriend!
Imagine telling a girl - I prefer the word woman, actually - "I love you" only when you meant it. Yep! No sex, no fun and probably no relationship.
Imagine tickling a woman even when she tells you to stop - "F*CKING STOP, Aaargh". Yep. No fun, a black eye and probably no relationship.
Even worse, imagine telling a woman your true secrets - "you see, I fancy your friend too and would secretly love to do her and you in a threesome". Yep! No balls, no sex and probably no relationship.
Note: there's a reason that secrets are secrets darling. "What goes on in my head stays in my head"
Okay, granted. Never cheat on her. I agree on that one. That's just a baad thing to do, mon. Don't go there. Especially with her sister. (Believe!) Lol
Boring John's not bitter. Oh no. The fact that he was this perfect boyfriend once (as near as dammit, anyway!) and what did it get him. Yep! No sex, no fun and definitely no relationship.
The thing is, if the above boyfriend stuff worked, then men would do it.
Darwin is to be blame for this startling revelation, not Boring John. It's called evolution. It's called trying stuff out and seeing what happens. It's also called saying one thing, and meaning another.
So, whilst I'm on me bloody pedestal, bitter and twisted like, here's a Myspace Message back at ya!
WOMEN! If you want men to change, then change how you behave towards them!
Otherwise, stop moaning. Ahright!
(Obviously, the same goes to MEN too with regards to women. To these creatures ruled by their paints, stop fawning at big boobed numbskulls, complaining later that you have nothing to talk to her about and she really only likes you for your money and fast cars. Well, d'uh! Etc. You can fill in the gaps, especially if you are a woman!)
Right. I'm getting a nose bleed from standing so high up on this pedestal.
Actually, that's the worst thing about being perfect - the nosebleeds!
See ya later.
Monday, January 29, 2007
"Life is a crock of shit"
"Life is a crock of shit"
- Kilgore Trout
"...God give me strength for it was much more than I could bear!"
- [Author without name]
So what does Boring John think about life? (And why is that bloody author without a bloody name, still? Why is he - must be a bloody he - griping on about wimmin when we're talking about life here? Back to the script...)
What does Boring John think?
He aint as cool about it as he should be, that's fer sure. (Clearly.) Dagnabbit. I mean he still gets annoyed when he tries to arrange a meeting with one particular imaginary character - a soiree for goodness sake. All she has to do is fail to respond, fail to answer his questions about the meeting of minds (?) for a few days and he gets annoyed, he gets agitated and he gets aggressive.
Huh?
What's annoying about that?
Mr Editor, you're right! You know what, it's not annoying.
And Boring John is only writing this piece because it used to be annoying, f*cking annoying indeed. The most annoying thing about it, though, was the fact that he really didn't understand this behaviour and HE LIKES TO UNDERSTAND more than anything else in the world. More than dancing; more than sticking it in; and more than football or talking about David Beckham's salary (how much?)!
But Boring John is a little wiser these days, the straight-jacket a tad more comfortable; and the need to understand is slowly being replaced by the need to accept. (Though he's been saying that for a long time in his various efforts to get the knickers off. [That's harsh - Mr Editor])
So is life a crock of shit or is Kilgore just a sour-faced trout?
Tell me, in person, why don't ya! Whether there are other Bohemian Creatures to witness the conversation or not. Who needs 'em? We don't.
--
(*) Note: it is not 7/7 (seven seven). We freakin DON'T use that expression for our dates in the UK. I know it would have confused the Americans if the July 7th bombers blew themselves up on the 8th of July. They'd be thinking 7th of August not 8th of July and it wouldn't quite have the same ring to it. No, it obviously had to be the 7th of July so everyone understands. In the same way it had to be doubly spelt out to our wealthier cousins in the great US of A: 9/11 - could it be any clearer? It's great that the terrorists had such an understanding of Western media when they planned these terrorist atrocities, it really is.
Yes. I am digressing. What time shall we meet? Lol
- Kilgore Trout
"...God give me strength for it was much more than I could bear!"
- [Author without name]
So what does Boring John think about life? (And why is that bloody author without a bloody name, still? Why is he - must be a bloody he - griping on about wimmin when we're talking about life here? Back to the script...)
What does Boring John think?
He aint as cool about it as he should be, that's fer sure. (Clearly.) Dagnabbit. I mean he still gets annoyed when he tries to arrange a meeting with one particular imaginary character - a soiree for goodness sake. All she has to do is fail to respond, fail to answer his questions about the meeting of minds (?) for a few days and he gets annoyed, he gets agitated and he gets aggressive.
Huh?
What's annoying about that?
- The fact that none of his other friends (real or imaginary) do this to him. They all say, 'Meet me here at 7pm. Here's my mobi in case there's any trouble. Here's my email. Blah blah blah'. So what?
- The fact that he has absolutely no idea why, after a few years of 'knowing him' this imaginary character still behaves with caution towards him. Still waters might run deep, he thinks, but no one ever got run over (repeatedly) by still, freakin, waters whether they run deep or not.
- The fact that this caution smacks of fear. Fear? he asks himself. What does a freakin imaginary character like Boring John have to do to prove that he is not the bad guy in this story? He's a genuine, bona fide, good guy. Extra good on Tuesdays. Yeah he makes mistakes, but his heart's in the right place. He aint someone to fear. Etc.
Mr Editor, you're right! You know what, it's not annoying.
And Boring John is only writing this piece because it used to be annoying, f*cking annoying indeed. The most annoying thing about it, though, was the fact that he really didn't understand this behaviour and HE LIKES TO UNDERSTAND more than anything else in the world. More than dancing; more than sticking it in; and more than football or talking about David Beckham's salary (how much?)!
But Boring John is a little wiser these days, the straight-jacket a tad more comfortable; and the need to understand is slowly being replaced by the need to accept. (Though he's been saying that for a long time in his various efforts to get the knickers off. [That's harsh - Mr Editor])
So is life a crock of shit or is Kilgore just a sour-faced trout?
Tell me, in person, why don't ya! Whether there are other Bohemian Creatures to witness the conversation or not. Who needs 'em? We don't.
--
(*) Note: it is not 7/7 (seven seven). We freakin DON'T use that expression for our dates in the UK. I know it would have confused the Americans if the July 7th bombers blew themselves up on the 8th of July. They'd be thinking 7th of August not 8th of July and it wouldn't quite have the same ring to it. No, it obviously had to be the 7th of July so everyone understands. In the same way it had to be doubly spelt out to our wealthier cousins in the great US of A: 9/11 - could it be any clearer? It's great that the terrorists had such an understanding of Western media when they planned these terrorist atrocities, it really is.
Yes. I am digressing. What time shall we meet? Lol
Friday, January 26, 2007
Pain?
"Much of your pain is self-chosen. It is the bitter portion by which the physician within you heals your sick self" -- Kahlil Gibran
Well Kahlil much of my pain has now gone. My hair is cut, see, and the world feels much less heavy on my shoulders today. Hooray!
(I have been a bit anxious about the impending hair cut, though. Hence the lack of witty posts on here. You hadn't noticed you say? Hmmm.)
Well Kahlil much of my pain has now gone. My hair is cut, see, and the world feels much less heavy on my shoulders today. Hooray!
(I have been a bit anxious about the impending hair cut, though. Hence the lack of witty posts on here. You hadn't noticed you say? Hmmm.)
Thursday, January 25, 2007
If I Were A Porn Star...
No this is not one of those stoopid what's your porn star name thingies. If you're looking for that you need to find a different blog. (Go on. Slurp off. Sling your hoook! Tch.)
No, this is simply if I were a porn star then I'd probably do it like this too (but maybe lose the moustache!)
No, this is simply if I were a porn star then I'd probably do it like this too (but maybe lose the moustache!)
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Tomorrow?
"Today, I feel like I am able for the first time to live my life as I wish. That means not being bound by someone else's real (or unreal) agenda. So I don't have to get married, have kids and buy the extra large t-shirts. I don't have to judge myself if I live my life in a way that is different to others. Etc. What I do (or don't do) is up to me.
"Boring John is dead. Long live Boring John!"
"Boring John is dead. Long live Boring John!"
More Questions
What is my life's purpose?
If I am, as I sometimes believe, so absolutely marvelous then why do I irritate some and feel awkward with others?
Is it okay for people not to like you?
And, erm, should I know what my life's purpose is and if I should then... what is my life's purpose?
If I am, as I sometimes believe, so absolutely marvelous then why do I irritate some and feel awkward with others?
Is it okay for people not to like you?
And, erm, should I know what my life's purpose is and if I should then... what is my life's purpose?
I must be going crazy...
I've just been doorstopped by a Jehovah's Witness and he was making a lot of sense!
(Where's the rest of that bottle of red!)
(Where's the rest of that bottle of red!)
Friday, January 12, 2007
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
"Move over Ego Fatigo" says Boring John
Problem:
I have a thoughtless boyfriend - I want him to be more understanding and supportive - how do I do that eh?
Ego Fatigo and Mahatma Gandhi answers:
It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.
---
Wooah! Much as I respect my old mucker Ego Fatigo (and that Gandhi geyser knew a thing or too, also) I have to take issue, serious issue, at the advice being handed out here.
THIS is what the answer to the problem above, my dear reader (don't you agree!)
Boring John Says:
If you wanted an apple then why did you pick an orange!
(Is that a bit harsh, I'm not sure as I don't know the exact situation our problem-owner is talking about. I do speak as an avid member of the [Apple] Club, though, and I will admit to being annoyed when women complain that men are not a member of our club when they never professed to be in the first place. I also get annoyed when women complain that men are not like them. Well, duh!, that's because they're men! (Men that make similarly dumb comparisons to women make me cross too, don't worry.))
Another Problem:
What makes a guy chase after a girl for six months, swear undying love and devotion, promise to solve all her problems, put up with all her hang ups and deal with all her insecurities, then dump her in the worst way after 3 months in a relationship?
Ego Fatigo and Unknown answers:
When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.
No, no, no Ego Fatigo! Man, there's a much better answer below for sure...
Boring John Says:
If you make a man dance for his supper then don't be surprised if he learns his steps a little too well.
Final Problem:
I need a problem
Ego Fatigo Answers:
Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
That's better, Ego Fatigo, much better! Keep on persisting [sickish mish] and those problems will soon come knocking on your doorstep, I'm sure!
I have a thoughtless boyfriend - I want him to be more understanding and supportive - how do I do that eh?
Ego Fatigo and Mahatma Gandhi answers:
It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.
---
Wooah! Much as I respect my old mucker Ego Fatigo (and that Gandhi geyser knew a thing or too, also) I have to take issue, serious issue, at the advice being handed out here.
THIS is what the answer to the problem above, my dear reader (don't you agree!)
Boring John Says:
If you wanted an apple then why did you pick an orange!
(Is that a bit harsh, I'm not sure as I don't know the exact situation our problem-owner is talking about. I do speak as an avid member of the [Apple] Club, though, and I will admit to being annoyed when women complain that men are not a member of our club when they never professed to be in the first place. I also get annoyed when women complain that men are not like them. Well, duh!, that's because they're men! (Men that make similarly dumb comparisons to women make me cross too, don't worry.))
Another Problem:
What makes a guy chase after a girl for six months, swear undying love and devotion, promise to solve all her problems, put up with all her hang ups and deal with all her insecurities, then dump her in the worst way after 3 months in a relationship?
Ego Fatigo and Unknown answers:
When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.
No, no, no Ego Fatigo! Man, there's a much better answer below for sure...
Boring John Says:
If you make a man dance for his supper then don't be surprised if he learns his steps a little too well.
Final Problem:
I need a problem
Ego Fatigo Answers:
Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
That's better, Ego Fatigo, much better! Keep on persisting [sickish mish] and those problems will soon come knocking on your doorstep, I'm sure!
10 Things I Am Going To Do In 2007
In no particular order:
Well, there's more.
The above begins on Jan 1st 2007 and ends when I've completed it or when I have more important things to do.
So there.
- Write a novel
- Get my hair cut. (I haven't cut my hair in over three years, don't you know, so I'm due!)
- Change. Change what? Change (or at least begin to change) everything that needs to change and challenge the behaviour in myself that I don't like
- Eat frogs, everyday!
- Visit as many of my friends as I can whether they live locally or they live darn sarf!
- Hang out with my family more
- Run 10K in under 40 minutes
- Do things I don't like doing; e.g. talk when I want to be quiet, go out when I want to stay in, smile or laugh when I want to snarl or loathe. I want to start doing things I don't like doing so that I start liking doing them. (Got that?)
- Stop flirting, start talking; stop leering, start listening; stop wondering, start learning
- And, finally, love my leetle self a leetle bit more (ahhhh!)
Well, there's more.
The above begins on Jan 1st 2007 and ends when I've completed it or when I have more important things to do.
So there.
5 New Year Resolutions
A character I know wants to change. And the beginning of a new year is as good a time as any to try and effect those changes. So here they are - unchanged, so as not to protect the innocent.
Changes
#1 - Start treating my work as a business, and not as work
#2 - Stop worrying about my love life; just do it (thank you Nike, but I won't be wearing the shoes!)
#3 - Stop worrying about anything, especially offending other people (hey I offend people whilst worrying about not offending them, so I might as well not worry about it!)
#4 - Start being more direct with the opposite sex (this combines changes #2 and #3)
#5 - Stop planning, start doing
So, character I don't know, what are you going to change, what resolutions do you have for 2007?
Changes
#1 - Start treating my work as a business, and not as work
#2 - Stop worrying about my love life; just do it (thank you Nike, but I won't be wearing the shoes!)
#3 - Stop worrying about anything, especially offending other people (hey I offend people whilst worrying about not offending them, so I might as well not worry about it!)
#4 - Start being more direct with the opposite sex (this combines changes #2 and #3)
#5 - Stop planning, start doing
So, character I don't know, what are you going to change, what resolutions do you have for 2007?
Random Sunday Musings
(scribbled on a notepad last Sunday)
"Only me!"
I like being on my own. Especially in a bar that is empty, like a few moments ago. Now the chattering voices of others highlight my aloneness. But still - I like being on my own. (I wonder why I resist it so much.)
Seven Sundays
I have fond memories of Sundays. About seven or eight of them, in particular. I won't elaborate here as I do not want to incriminate myself any further with the person who I shared those Sundays with. They were interesting and stimulating times, for sure. Shame I was so paranoid, possessive and so un-aware of my power. The same as her, really.
I know a man who went with a prostitute in Amsterdam (probably not on a Sunday, though). He spent his hard-earned money for a squallid twenty minutes or so simply to be able to draw on the memory of the experience in many future moments. Well, I've never been with a prostitute (maybe the ball puts them off, or puts me off I don't know!) but I do know what he means. Those seven Sundays were worth it for me, worth the cost; those Sundays still live on
And if I ever get to have my own Billy Pilgrim moment I will... well, I will savour the 'pink, vodka, ice' much more and perhaps complain a little less about the pink, the vokda and the ice.
Daft Hairstyles
A man across from me in the bar has a daft hairstyle (says he!). It's like his hair has been folded down the middle so there is twice as much there as on the rest of his head. [I'm sure this hair-style will have a name, and I'm sure that name will be not be Daft Hairstyle but I don't know it's name, it just looks daft.] If his hair was the Christmas paper wrapped around a present then that present would have to be re-wrapped. Yes this is a bit of a daft way to describe a hair-style but then it's a daft hairstyle and proof that the philosophy of the Emperor's New Clothes lives on.
I blame David Beckham for it - he of some of the daftest hair styles since the 70s - and fashion
I actually saw this daft hairstyle again on a fellow train passenger (I was returning from Barcelona, again - no daft hairstyles just a daft lack of instructions as to how to get around town). This man with the daft hairstyle was sitting diagonally opposite me on the seat in front of mine, and he was sitting with an older carbon copy of himself (must have been his Dad) without the daft hairstyle.
I seriously had a strong desire to tell this daft-hairstyled man how fucking stupid his daft hairstyle was. But I didn't. I didn't partly because I also have my own (unique) daft hairstyle and partly because it wouldn't be nice to be so aggressive about someone's hairstyle (my Mum would not have approved).
The thing is, he probably paid good money at the barbers for that daft hairstyle. Daft "baa baa" bastard!
"Only me!"
I like being on my own. Especially in a bar that is empty, like a few moments ago. Now the chattering voices of others highlight my aloneness. But still - I like being on my own. (I wonder why I resist it so much.)
Seven Sundays
I have fond memories of Sundays. About seven or eight of them, in particular. I won't elaborate here as I do not want to incriminate myself any further with the person who I shared those Sundays with. They were interesting and stimulating times, for sure. Shame I was so paranoid, possessive and so un-aware of my power. The same as her, really.
I know a man who went with a prostitute in Amsterdam (probably not on a Sunday, though). He spent his hard-earned money for a squallid twenty minutes or so simply to be able to draw on the memory of the experience in many future moments. Well, I've never been with a prostitute (maybe the ball puts them off, or puts me off I don't know!) but I do know what he means. Those seven Sundays were worth it for me, worth the cost; those Sundays still live on
And if I ever get to have my own Billy Pilgrim moment I will... well, I will savour the 'pink, vodka, ice' much more and perhaps complain a little less about the pink, the vokda and the ice.
Daft Hairstyles
A man across from me in the bar has a daft hairstyle (says he!). It's like his hair has been folded down the middle so there is twice as much there as on the rest of his head. [I'm sure this hair-style will have a name, and I'm sure that name will be not be Daft Hairstyle but I don't know it's name, it just looks daft.] If his hair was the Christmas paper wrapped around a present then that present would have to be re-wrapped. Yes this is a bit of a daft way to describe a hair-style but then it's a daft hairstyle and proof that the philosophy of the Emperor's New Clothes lives on.
I blame David Beckham for it - he of some of the daftest hair styles since the 70s - and fashion
I actually saw this daft hairstyle again on a fellow train passenger (I was returning from Barcelona, again - no daft hairstyles just a daft lack of instructions as to how to get around town). This man with the daft hairstyle was sitting diagonally opposite me on the seat in front of mine, and he was sitting with an older carbon copy of himself (must have been his Dad) without the daft hairstyle.
I seriously had a strong desire to tell this daft-hairstyled man how fucking stupid his daft hairstyle was. But I didn't. I didn't partly because I also have my own (unique) daft hairstyle and partly because it wouldn't be nice to be so aggressive about someone's hairstyle (my Mum would not have approved).
The thing is, he probably paid good money at the barbers for that daft hairstyle. Daft "baa baa" bastard!
Monday, January 08, 2007
Ugly Betty?
So, ugly is wearing glasses and having teeth a British person would be ashamed of huh?
(Sigh. Only in America.)
(Sigh. Only in America.)
Isn't It Just!
"It is a pity when one, either through force of circumstance or because one is afraid of being ridiculed by others, won't produce and expose to everyone that little spark of something special which is unique to him alone"
- Ken Russell
- Ken Russell
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Father Ted Confessional
(A work in progress!)
Boring John:
Father, I have a problem with women, Father, too many women.
Yes, I have these women friends, Father, friends that are women. And either I think they want something more from me, Father, or I want something more from them. Year after year, Father, this list of women where the names sometimes change, Father, as do the situations, but it's still a list of women, Father and I just want some friends, really I do Father, just some friends and some smiles and some fun. Father, what can I do?
For example, I have this good friend Father, really good. Trouble is we sometimes have this really great sex, Father, really great. And I keep trying to resist the great sex, Father, resist the temptation. But it's just so great and so physically fulfilling, Father, and... and my woman friend thinks it's great too, Father. She seems perfectly happy, Father, but I'm leading her on, aren't I, I'm leading her on? I know that I am, I'm leading her on; and that's wrong, Father, that has to be wrong. What can I do, Father?
I have another woman friend who gets all deep and meaningful with me, Father; but we've only met once, Father, and I hardly know her at all. And she says she doesn't want one of them relationship things with me, Father, or even that casual kind of sex thing. But - ah, you're a man of the world Father I know that you are - it's one of those situations where what you say is different to what you mean, Father, I know that it is. I know you know what I mean, Father, that's why I'm here talking to you now. I know you know what I mean, Father!
I even have a woman friend who finds it fascinating that I have all these woman friends. Trouble is, Father, she's looking for someone special too, I know; I know she's looking for the right man, Father, and that might not be me, Father, might not be me. And she wouldn't be so interested in my list of women if she wasn't interested in me, Father. I know it, Father, and I know you know it too, Father.
But it's not all me, me, me, Father, not it isn't! I have one woman friend who I don't seem to be able to get from under my skin. We rarely talk these days, or meet and share only the obscurest of communications, Father, every now and then. We do that instant messenger thing or we meet on Myspace, Father (you know that Myspace place where that Borat character lives). But it's not a proper meeting, Father, and we don't really talk to each other, don't really speak. The daft thing is, Father, she doesn't even want a relationship anymore, with anyone Father, let alone me - she's told me as such, Father, told me as such. So she hardly encourages me at all, Father, yet there she is still under my skin. Why Father, why?
Yes, Father, I probably do encourage these situations year in year out, you're right.
Yes, Father, I probably do like to keep my options open; you're right about that too.
Yes, Father, perhaps I do fear committing again, Father, fear getting hurt again. You know how it is, Father, you know how it is.
But I DO want this all to stop, Father, I really do. No more lists of women, Father, no more potential situations; just friends and a life of fun rather than worry, Father. You know how it is, Father, and you know how it should be Father, I know that you do, Father, I know that you do.
So, Father, what can I do? What can I do Father?
Dougal:
"You have a what, now?"
Boring John:
Father, I have a problem with women, Father, too many women.
Yes, I have these women friends, Father, friends that are women. And either I think they want something more from me, Father, or I want something more from them. Year after year, Father, this list of women where the names sometimes change, Father, as do the situations, but it's still a list of women, Father and I just want some friends, really I do Father, just some friends and some smiles and some fun. Father, what can I do?
For example, I have this good friend Father, really good. Trouble is we sometimes have this really great sex, Father, really great. And I keep trying to resist the great sex, Father, resist the temptation. But it's just so great and so physically fulfilling, Father, and... and my woman friend thinks it's great too, Father. She seems perfectly happy, Father, but I'm leading her on, aren't I, I'm leading her on? I know that I am, I'm leading her on; and that's wrong, Father, that has to be wrong. What can I do, Father?
I have another woman friend who gets all deep and meaningful with me, Father; but we've only met once, Father, and I hardly know her at all. And she says she doesn't want one of them relationship things with me, Father, or even that casual kind of sex thing. But - ah, you're a man of the world Father I know that you are - it's one of those situations where what you say is different to what you mean, Father, I know that it is. I know you know what I mean, Father, that's why I'm here talking to you now. I know you know what I mean, Father!
I even have a woman friend who finds it fascinating that I have all these woman friends. Trouble is, Father, she's looking for someone special too, I know; I know she's looking for the right man, Father, and that might not be me, Father, might not be me. And she wouldn't be so interested in my list of women if she wasn't interested in me, Father. I know it, Father, and I know you know it too, Father.
But it's not all me, me, me, Father, not it isn't! I have one woman friend who I don't seem to be able to get from under my skin. We rarely talk these days, or meet and share only the obscurest of communications, Father, every now and then. We do that instant messenger thing or we meet on Myspace, Father (you know that Myspace place where that Borat character lives). But it's not a proper meeting, Father, and we don't really talk to each other, don't really speak. The daft thing is, Father, she doesn't even want a relationship anymore, with anyone Father, let alone me - she's told me as such, Father, told me as such. So she hardly encourages me at all, Father, yet there she is still under my skin. Why Father, why?
Yes, Father, I probably do encourage these situations year in year out, you're right.
Yes, Father, I probably do like to keep my options open; you're right about that too.
Yes, Father, perhaps I do fear committing again, Father, fear getting hurt again. You know how it is, Father, you know how it is.
But I DO want this all to stop, Father, I really do. No more lists of women, Father, no more potential situations; just friends and a life of fun rather than worry, Father. You know how it is, Father, and you know how it should be Father, I know that you do, Father, I know that you do.
So, Father, what can I do? What can I do Father?
Dougal:
"You have a what, now?"
They Laughed At Me...
They laughed at me when I started playing the piano...
Erm, I mean they laughed at me when they looked at my shoes, my black pair of Campers.
And now everyone wears these casual yet stylish shoes, whether black, brown or blue. A different pair for every day of the week, almost, and the shops are full of 'em.
"Exactly, John!" said Julie "That's cos Campers are fashionable now."
Exactly, sis, exactly.
"Huh?"
I wear what suits me not what suits fashion.
Or, I prefer not to make a certain noise when I go shopping and when I put on clothes (or when I talk, or think or even write).
"What noise?"
Baaaaa!
"Ah!" she paused a moment, "You're so marvellous, John..."
Another pause.
"Maybe that's why they laughed!"
Ah!
Erm, I mean they laughed at me when they looked at my shoes, my black pair of Campers.
And now everyone wears these casual yet stylish shoes, whether black, brown or blue. A different pair for every day of the week, almost, and the shops are full of 'em.
"Exactly, John!" said Julie "That's cos Campers are fashionable now."
Exactly, sis, exactly.
"Huh?"
I wear what suits me not what suits fashion.
Or, I prefer not to make a certain noise when I go shopping and when I put on clothes (or when I talk, or think or even write).
"What noise?"
Baaaaa!
"Ah!" she paused a moment, "You're so marvellous, John..."
Another pause.
"Maybe that's why they laughed!"
Ah!
Friday, January 05, 2007
The Year Of Living Dangerously
The year of living dangerously begins!
(You have been warned!)
Actually, it began a few days ago - I was just a bit busy with other stuff to let you know until now!
(You have been warned!)
Actually, it began a few days ago - I was just a bit busy with other stuff to let you know until now!
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