The World According to... Boring John

(A work in progress!)

Boring John:

Father, I have a problem with women, Father, too many women.

Yes, I have these women friends, Father, friends that are women. And either I think they want something more from me, Father, or I want something more from them. Year after year, Father, this list of women where the names sometimes change, Father, as do the situations, but it's still a list of women, Father and I just want some friends, really I do Father, just some friends and some smiles and some fun. Father, what can I do?

For example, I have this good friend Father, really good. Trouble is we sometimes have this really great sex, Father, really great. And I keep trying to resist the great sex, Father, resist the temptation. But it's just so great and so physically fulfilling, Father, and... and my woman friend thinks it's great too, Father. She seems perfectly happy, Father, but I'm leading her on, aren't I, I'm leading her on? I know that I am, I'm leading her on; and that's wrong, Father, that has to be wrong. What can I do, Father?

I have another woman friend who gets all deep and meaningful with me, Father; but we've only met once, Father, and I hardly know her at all. And she says she doesn't want one of them relationship things with me, Father, or even that casual kind of sex thing. But - ah, you're a man of the world Father I know that you are - it's one of those situations where what you say is different to what you mean, Father, I know that it is. I know you know what I mean, Father, that's why I'm here talking to you now. I know you know what I mean, Father!

I even have a woman friend who finds it fascinating that I have all these woman friends. Trouble is, Father, she's looking for someone special too, I know; I know she's looking for the right man, Father, and that might not be me, Father, might not be me. And she wouldn't be so interested in my list of women if she wasn't interested in me, Father. I know it, Father, and I know you know it too, Father.

But it's not all me, me, me, Father, not it isn't! I have one woman friend who I don't seem to be able to get from under my skin. We rarely talk these days, or meet and share only the obscurest of communications, Father, every now and then. We do that instant messenger thing or we meet on Myspace, Father (you know that Myspace place where that Borat character lives). But it's not a proper meeting, Father, and we don't really talk to each other, don't really speak. The daft thing is, Father, she doesn't even want a relationship anymore, with anyone Father, let alone me - she's told me as such, Father, told me as such. So she hardly encourages me at all, Father, yet there she is still under my skin. Why Father, why?

Yes, Father, I probably do encourage these situations year in year out, you're right.

Yes, Father, I probably do like to keep my options open; you're right about that too.

Yes, Father, perhaps I do fear committing again, Father, fear getting hurt again. You know how it is, Father, you know how it is.

But I DO want this all to stop, Father, I really do. No more lists of women, Father, no more potential situations; just friends and a life of fun rather than worry, Father. You know how it is, Father, and you know how it should be Father, I know that you do, Father, I know that you do.

So, Father, what can I do? What can I do Father?

Dougal:

"You have a what, now?"