A lot less bovver?

Now I'm not one to blame my tools, but I don't think my lawn really wanted to be mown just so it could have the tufty look! A lot less bovver than a hovver! I need to buy a Qualcast, now!

Two more jobs done!

1. I finally collected my mountain bike from storage (expect to see an entry in this blog this time next year, when I finally get round to pumping the tyres up!)
2. I bought a can of WD40 to soothe my car's creaking joints (out of respect, it will wait a month before it stops creaking)

At this rate, I will have nowt to do in June...

Premature Procrastinations!

I know, I know! How can you not procrastinate, prematurely!

But hey, I'm a clever kinda guy, and -- with both hands tied behind my back, one eye closed, and me humming a Beatles tune ("Christ you know it aint easy!") -- I just gone dunnit!

I just bought my very first pair of running shorts (with running vest).

NO, I can't give you a private viewing!

YES, it's officially #1 thing I've been putting off for at least two or three months.

And I'm going to do more 'put off' things each and every day in the month of June.

(Yeah, I can't wait either!)

So much angst in one medium-sized body!

(What! You expected more?)

That will be soon...

but not today! ;)

Coming soon!

A whole month dedicated to doing things I've been putting off (for months!).

Do I Really?

Do I really want to be famous

I mean Robbie Williams, David Beckham, and Wayne Roonie all complain about it (though, strangely, Mick Jagger never does!)

Do I really want to write a first novel?

I mean if I do write my first novel, then I'll be faced with the worry of writing the "difficult second novel"

Will you still love me in the morning?

Why can't I?

Keep just one writer's notebook going?

Beats me!

Mr Men Characters

Did you know they that they've created some more Mr Men characters.

I have too:

• Mr Clingy, related to
• Mr Needy, who's also related to
• Mr Impatient, who's cousin is
• Mr Insecure,

They are all somewhat jealous of:

• Mr Cool

The first four characters have definitely overstayed their welcome at my humble abode.

As for the last Mr Man, sure he has his uses, but I can't wait for this trio to come and party at mine:

• Mr No Worries
• Mr Calm, and
• Mr Love and Friendliness

I say, "Boys, come on down!"

And when they do, I'll be sure to let YOU know! ;-)

Worst days of my life

These include:

1. The first night I spent living in Blantyre (Malawi, Africa) working for a new employer. I had just spent two years working for a voluntary organisation for little money, but in a comfortable home. This entrepreneurial home had nothing in it, no sheets, no blankets, no pots or pans, nothing...
   
   This man missed his Mummy!
   
2. The day my girlfriend moved out of our flat to live much nearer to where she worked (45 minutes down the M5). I took the day off work to help her both move her stuff out of the 3-storey flat and into her new house. Unfortunately, there was a major IT production problem at work (Bristol & West) that same day and I had to go in to fix it, as it was my program change that was causing the problem and losing the building society business.
   
   I didn't want to go into work at all on this emotionally awkward day, but compromised by going in at lunchtime. I felt very drained and very low once I left the office at 7pm, to return home alone.
   
3. The day my girlfriend moved out of our rented flat, and left me to me, myself, I. I had no job, no friends and decided in my wisdom to repeatedly listen to Blur's Tender.

Hey, you say, you haven't lived if that's the worst 'stuff' that's happened to you.

Yeah, I reply, you could be right, or you could be being a tad arrogant. Walk in my shoes, I'll say, add some 'context' and maybe those days were not so fun.

No death, drugs or rape?

Yeah, oh Chinese mixed-race one, I haven't lived!

People say the nicest things #1

Like "You are a pathetic, weak little man!"

In no particular order...

Are you ready? Here they come!...

Unsent Text Message...

"I will never forget You. Why even yesterday you, or someone looking and walking and moving like you, walked past me in the village next to Frockholes. 'You' even said thankyou as I let you past. Thank you."

Why unsent?

1. I don't have her mobile phone no.
2. She doesn't really deserve to receive these sentiments from me, if the truth be known. Which is a shame, but - don't you just love our North American cousins - it is what it is! Hee hee!

Hello! (I must be going!)

Don't have that much to say today, but I do quite like that line from a Phil Collins album (recorded back in the day when mullets were thought of as something other than almost as bad as perms).

So, why must I be going?

Well my anonymity has been restored. Phew! You can now no longer read the epic other blog that reveals who I am, simply by clicking on the About image.

My other blog is an epic!

Maybe that would have made a better title?

MORE moans

Men that dress up in women's clothing!

What's that all about, then?

I'm not talking about cross-dressers, transsexuals et al but those people who jump at the chance - charity event, stag party, fancy dress party - to wear women's clothing.

Huh?

Usually, it's the same people year in year out.

Huh?

Now I've got footballer's legs as good as Gary Lineker's, but do I want to wear a dress to show 'em off?

NO!

(Stop it! Now!)

What little boys wish for...

(Big boys too!)

Dear Juliette

I don't normally do this: get in touch with celebrities. 1) They're probably not going to reply, as they are so busy. 2) They're probably not going to reply as they couldn't possibly reply to all of the fan mail they get. 3) They're probably not going to reply to someone like me.

So, you're probably not going to reply, let alone consider actually meeting me in person

(Yes, I would consider flying to Paris to meet you for lunch - I live in the North of England. (Ooops. I don't even know if you live in Paris. That's the American equivalent of thinking everyone that lives in England lives in (or near to) London (WE DON'T!). Apologies. Je m'excuse.)

This brings me onto reason #2 for why you wouldn't want to meet me - I really ought to have concentrated on the positive reasons for you to meet me, methinks: I can't speak (or write) French.

So, apologies (again) for contacting you in my native tongue and not yours.

The third reason you are probably not going to want to reply to me is that I confess to finding you very physically attractive ("Don't go!" :-) ).

Let me qualify that statement, a moment: you are one of only a few 'famous folk' that I would happily go on a 'date' with. I value fame much less than most, and do recognise the fact that meeting famous people is usually a disappointment (that's why I haven't included Hugh Grant's ex in the list below - we just wouldn't get on).

This list is very very exclusive and includes less than ten names. Names like Isabellas Rosselini and Adjani, Mariella Forstrup, the Amelie girl (aka AT), another Audrey (Hepburn), Kim Basinger and Halle Berry.

[Yeah, those two paragraphs must go, if I ever do get in touch!]

Okay, let's consider why you might like to meet me, an average person, yes, but not a star-struck person.

Actually, let's consider why I might want to meet you.

Okay, well it's like this. I've just read an interview that you gave in a magazine called Psychologies (a UK magazine I bought because you were on the front cover telling us: "I live in the now"). And several things you said in it really resonated in me (and that doesn't happen often, believe me! ;-)):

You seem as fascinated with me about how relationships work, about communication.

You say: "It's easier to think about love than to live it; it's astonishing to wait for this soulmate, to look for it and not look for it." and I concur, absolutely, though am not in the business of providing 'soulmate-solutions'.

And you seem to be quite open in sharing your insecurities, or so the interviewer thought. This, too, is something I share with you.

So if you would like to compare notes on relationships, communication, and how we learn some lessons in life quickly whilst others take a lifetime (even more) to learn, then I can guarantee an easy and pleasant few hours.

Thanks

[Boring John]

PS Perhaps I should tell you what films of yours that I have seen (do the fan-bit). Well, I loved Unbearable Lightness of Being (read the book, first); I was stimulated by 3 Colors: Blue; and thoroughly enjoyed Chocolat, though I think your co-star looked much, much sexier than you in that film :-0

--

Hmm. Not as easy as I thought it would be, appealing to a 'star'. Yes, she has the looks (and yes she might be single) and yes we are the same age-ish, but I don't think the little boy quite expressed his real interest which is their passion for analysis of life, of living, of why we do the things we do.

So, this little boy must try harder!

More Moans #1

I was just reading a newspaper piece about the lost art of conversation, and how blogging - one-way monologues (oxymoron alert! -ed) - was not necessarily a good replacement for conversation, for engaging in dialogue.

But before I read the piece, I had this moan on my mind. I've always wanted to moan about the moans below but never had the opportunity to at least vent my annoyance.

Until now.

(Cough!)

Moan #1 - People who don't watch subtitled films because...

it's hard to read the words!

D'uh! What, can't you read or something!

Here's my solution for you, then:

1. Watch the dubbed version of the film (if it exists). The fact the actors' mouths do not move in synch. with the words that you can hear shouldn't spoil things too much, should it! What you don't usually even listen to the words, anyway...
2. Watch the Hollywood version, instead, remade with all of Hollywood's film-making values intact. After all, My Father, The Hero wasn't too bad and The Ring was pretty scary, wasn't it. Oh, you never watched those movies, either!
3. OK, agreed! Don't watch 'em then! But you'll miss out on films like Ring (scary), Amelie (utterly enchanting), Delicatessen (dark, magical) etc. etc.

Rant over, somewhat disappointingly so too.

When it comes down to moaning about it, I just can't find the words of bemused bafflement (shutup about oxmorons, please!) to describe why I think it's daft not to watch a film because it has subtitles!

You might as well say, "I don't date blondes / I only date blondes", or I don't read broadsheet newspapers because, well because it's difficult to hold the newspaper.

Re-ally?

(Yes, I must get out more, but it's raining see!)

"When you have nothing to say...

"say nowt!"

Ok.

"Yeah, you're right..."

...next I'll be wondering what you're doing on Saturday, and what you look like in a... well, whatever!

Stop that now!

I'm not sure about this older woman scenario that you talk of. I was *MORE THAN* happy to have my older woman experience I can tell you, even though it was obviously a Top 5 disappointment! I think I got more 'damaged' from my first girlfriend and from living with a bullying sister.

Like The Murphys, I'm not bitter.

No point, is there. Live and let live, and do as much loving as you can possibly manage :-) I like talking about love n stuff whether with a 'woman' (read potential date) or not. That's what my novel will be about.

So.

Work?

I'm a [blogger], very easily google-able hence the nom-de-plum. [Let's hope to Blog she doesn't do a search for the words in this email! ;-) ] I work for myself. Just about make enough money. But the challenges to stay visible online grow every day... [Hmm, how do you stay visible every day Mr John?]

Maybe I should try Big Brother.

That's what my friend said.

You see I try and facilitate, and make the peace and stuff. They'd love me [for doing that] wouldn't they! Lol

[Boring John]

PS Oh, [my photo was taken in my back garden, when I was going to be the next Pele]

Angels?

Is this woman an angel?

The answer is easy, if you don't believe in angels, if you don't recognise those people that have touched your life in a special way that you can never repay (apart from by being an angel to someone else, of course).

Yes.

She is an angel.

Because I believe in angels, though I don't expect them to have wings, and I don't expect them to preach love to me as written word for word in The Bible, or other such so-called heavenly words.

Love does not preach, or judge, or even quote! It just does; it just is.

So when was the last time you had an angelic experience?

What, you think Mata Amritanandamayi should do all the work? Come, now!

Prince Would Be Disappointed...

I thought of two other witty in context headlines this morning, but that's the only one I can remember.

Prince. Why do you set such high standards, man?

Casual S**

C***** Sex!

Can there be anything casual about sex?

As I ask this question please do not have that woman from Sex in the City's voice sounding in your head. It is the sort of question she would ask, I agree, but I'm asking it from a boy's perspective, or more precisely from my perspective.

So, does casual sex work?

On the face of it enjoying a pleasurable sexual experience with another (opposite sex, same sex, two 'anothers' or more etc.), with no commitment, no ties, sounds like a perfectly healthy situation.

After all, sex relieves stress, sex provides intimacy, sex is... well, sex is fun!

I say "casual sex, bring it on!"

But, a bit like open relationships, I think this is one of those 'works well on paper but...' situations.

Sex is incredibly intimate, a very personal experience indeed. I mean even if you could sleep with all the so-called beautiful women of the world (I speak from a male hetero-sexual view here, but you get my point) would you really be able to, when you got down to it.

What about spark?

What about feeling comfortable with someone, when naked?

What about letting yourself go?

What about the person you'd really rather be with?

What about emotions, feelings? Yes, even we boys have them.

You get my point.

So hands up if you said yes to the question above. Okay, does that mean you've had a casual sexual relationship? And does that mean you had no problems with it; the relationship ended naturally with no bad feelings from either party?

If not, then I'm going to politely ignore your opinion. Hey, I did say politely, so don't take offence.

If so, my aren't you a clever boy. Don't know why you're reading this, then, really!

My experiences of casual sex can be grouped into the following categories:

1) One Night Stands

2) Friendship Plus

3) The Ex-

As I grow older and more sophisticated(!), I discover another category, that of:

4) I Don't Want Anything Serious. Really

(Maybe this last category has always existed, and maybe it was available to me in my teens if I had but asked, but I didn't ask so it comes as a new category to me.)

So let me deal with each category above, and explain why I believe that having great casual sex, i.e. enjoyable sex without complications, is as easy as finding a man that *really* listens or a woman that *hates* shopping - you know it can happen, you just can't remember the last time it did.

(Oh, with lines like that, I really ought to audtion for Nicky Campbell's job. Ahem!)

1) One Night Stands

I've had a few one night stands in my time. Some of them were a lot of fun, but most of them were alcohol-fuelled exercises of momentum in action. You get yourself to the top of the slide, and so you 'might as well'... slide.

Some times, there's a conquest involved I agree.

Some times you know that nothing's going to happen.

A lot of the time, though, one of you feels awkward, one of you feels used.

And neither of you felt relaxed enough to really enjoy, to really perform (yes, that word is a reminder that I am a boy).

Verdict on One Night Stands: like eating pizza, an unsatisfactory experience, but it will do until next time.

2) Friendship Plus

Hmm, I'm not too sure how this one works out because, usually, when a friend is converted into a lover, something is 'lost, quite often the friendship.

I do know of situations where it was mostly a healthy experience for the parties concerned, but the transition from lovers back to friends sometimes left the taste of resentment in the mouths of one or both.

I think you can sleep with your mate, but it's usually best if you don't repeat the experience.

Verdict on Friendship Plus: like gambling, it could be a winning experience, or you might lose everything.

3) The Ex.

This category is by far the most common feeding ground for casual sexual relationships.

I had one relationship - one that ended because of a mis-match in sexual appetites (how politically correct of me) - where, for a while, we slept with each other as much after we separated as we did beforehand.

Warning, danger lurks in these warm, familiar waters, though. As our North Americans cousins would put it, "You need to move on, and get closure and you can't do that whilst you're still doing the, er... Icky McSpicky!" (That last expression is mine (mine I tell you!), but the other sentiments are class American.)

We've probably all slept with our ex. And sometimes it's fun, better, but most times it keeps the wounds open, and fuels future feelings of resentment.

So, piously, I say "Don't do it!"

Verdict on The Ex: like paying for gym membership and not using the gym, we all do it but the costs of our actions only reveals itself after several months!

And, lastly, I come to the category with most promise, but also the one that has the most potential for danger

4) I Don't Want Anything Serious. Really

As I said, I only experience this 'mature' type of casual relationship recently. It certainly intrigued me, and made me realise that girls like doing the Icky McSpicky as much as the boys.

The main problem? Feelings, 'What if?' thoughts and "Where is this going" questions.

I have experience o this category, too - but only for research purposes, I promise!

I had one relationship with a woman(*) a few years ago, who really didn't want to have a serious relationship, but did want to have a close and physical friendship with me (my words, not hers).

I didn't want this type of relationship, but we more or less ended up having it anyway. (Lesson: sometimes casual sexual relationships 'just happen', and are not agreed upon.)

We ended up having a nice time with each other. Maybe we'd see each other once a month, and talk to each other like good friends and the sleep with each other like good lovers.

But do you know what happened in the end?

The woman wondered 'If...', and when I said 'Probably not', our casual relationship ended, as did our friendship (for a while, at leasat).

She wanted more, and probably did from the start.

Verdict on I Don't Want Anything Serious. Really: if men are from Mars and women are from Venus, can they ever really understand each other or does a healthy dose of misunderstanding make the world go round? I'll you decide...

--

I've talked too much.

As one of my (almost) 'I Don't Want Anything Serious. Really' partners once told me: "A little less conversation, a little more action please!"

Yes, I do think too much. I'm just making up for the lack of thought going on out there, okay!

I do think about casual sex, and whether it can work for me, I do.

But people are complicated, even when they think they're not. So whatever you both say or do or think, one of you may, or probably will, want more.

What happens then?

That is what I think, anyway.

But I am by no means an expert on casual relationships. Just an expert on 'Angst and well, anything really - I just picked casual relationships as rainy Fridays remind me of a time when...

Thank you for reading.

So, if you want to come round for Icky-McSpicky, and don't smell, are reasonably attractive and comfortable with your own (female only, please) body, then... leave a post, cos I'm sure someone on here will oblive you girl!

See ya!

Disclaimer: this is not written for the purposes of communicating to any one person in particular. It is just my thoughts on a wet Friday afternoon. It beats working, dunnit?

British Summertime

British-types are always laughed at because of their obsession with the weather(*). But the thing is, when you can (literally) have all four seasons in one day, you'd get obsessive about it. So, yesterday and today have been gert lovely, and I'm just about ready to go for a lovely summer's evening walk when ol' Goddy up above decides that us Brits have had our allotment of fine weather for the month of May and turns it off. I'm not happy. The Weatherman promised more of the same yesterday, and I believed him, but now I have a crinkly face and nowhere to walk.

* The same goes for us Brits and our obsession for talking about 'our journey'. Again, We only ask because there are so many ways to get around the good ol' United K, and so many of those ways are gol'durned awful!

What I should have said was...

Don't you just hate it, when!

Don't you just hate it when you lend someone a book, and you tell them how important it is for them not only to read the book but for them to return the book to you, and they say 'yeah yeah, I'll return the book, no problems', and you give them plenty of time to return the book but they don't return the book not even after you've had the hassle of asking for them to return the book several times!

Don't you, well I do!

And it's bloody annoying.

So, to make things right I'm going to name and shame right here!

Hall of book-lending shame

Yes, these are the actual names of the culprits (Don't they realise that they spoil it for everyone else, as sooner or later I'm bound to stop lending books out? Is is laziness, or are they just tight? I don't know, because I've never not returned a book....)

1. Tom H. - Book about HTML
2. Liza P. - Venus and Mars in the Bedroom
   (Rrrrr! Liza. Either you're a slow learner, or just a selfish old biddy!)
3. Michaela - Book about HTML.
   (Yes, when Tom H. finally returned the book to me, I leant the very same yellow Stickie-filled book to Michaela. Even told her she had 3 months to read the book, but she must return the book to me.)

I hope all of the above read this entry. (Tell 'em why don't ya!)

Not giving books bad is bad, people, very bad! And yow should be ashamed. (Best Brum accent here!")

You know what! I should be working now, not bloody wasting my time ranting about these wastrels!

Grrrr.

This post goes here

More information goes here, preferably a bit more illumunating than 'more information goes here'.

Tch.

New Music

"In new music, we trust". So goes the Radio 1 mantra for their evening schedule of music.

I, too, like new music.

A lot.

And it has always made me laugh when those that once loved the music played by John Peel - a devotee to eclectic, inspiring and new music - subsequently criticised him, as their musical tastes stopped growing and his did not. (They preferred him to play what was new, when they were young, rather than what was new, now!)

So yes I like new music, and I continued to like the new music that John Peel played even if it was Thrash Metal or Country.

(Funnily enough, John never played the one musical genre I particularly dislike: the over-produced, and very far from Rhythm and Blues, RnB! He was a Liverpool fan too, though a real one and not a TV-fan variety like me!)

So, back to new music and the reason I started this entry.

I heard some new music that I really liked the other day, on first listening. Some of the sounds seemed familiar, some jarred a little, but most tunes hooked me with their rhythm after a few repetitions. (I am partial to repetitive rhythms, for sure, like James Brown, Lemonjelly and now Penguin Cafe Orchestra).

Yes, I like new music. But when that new music is music you will always like for the rest of your life, I like that the best.

Sadly, I think Penguin Cafe Orchestra is now defunct and the music now lives on only in television advertisements (e.g. Telephone and Rubber Band.)

But I am happy to add the repetoire of Penguin Cafe Orchestra to my modest collection of music for life...

"I've never..."

Kissed a boy there before!

(Apropos of nothing (much), I can assure you ;-) )

John says "Hello"

John says "O-la" to one of his two active readers.

He would link to her sleep-deprived website too but it reveals an unflattering portrait of this artist as a younger man. A time when was in love but still in the final, in-glorious and full throes of his 'eating sh*t' behaviour patterns. A state of mind that has blighted most of his life until now.

(Not flattering, dear Other Reader, not flattering at all!)

Instead I shall pay tribute to Her in a way that she would appreciate: "Thank You for your birthday wishes!"

Subject: Working Boy

Hi

Yes, I am working today (my birthday!) and no I'm not doing anything special apart from going running with my running club, as I normally do on Tuesday. I guess I never got round to organising anything; all family 'busy', with their own 'stuff'; most friends don't live here, etc.

(Can you hear that violin playing in the distance? Lol)

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

It's (almost) time to do something else (less boring instead!).

I'll be more diligent tomorrow, I promise, in talking about love, my feelings and everything. (Who'd have thought the answer would be 42!)