The World According to... Boring John

Three little words - what women say that they want:

• Personality
• Physical attractiveness
• Excitement

Three little words - what women really want, even if they don't know it:

• Confidence
• Mystery
• Self-respect

Now I don't write the above to decry women, or call them fools, because men are just as bad at saying one thing but meaning another.

It's just human nature, or the difference between conscious and sub-conscious thought.

Instead, I write the above merely as an aide-memoire (to me) so that I stop trying to nice my way into a woman's knickers. (Old nice-guy habits die hard you see, what can I tell ya! I blame me Mum. If only we had had the conversation beginning: "That's very sweet, John, but if you really want some booty action, remember this..." when I was at that impressionable age. Instead it went: "That's very nice, John... Ah, isn't he lovely?". Lovely! Who wants to be lovely when your hormones are raging!)

So now I know to say nowt, and say it with a confident swagger.

You see, I told you I know what women want: John Wayne, that's who!

("Get--on--the--dance-floor--and--take--my-- hand!")

PS If you are a woman, and know much better than me what women really want, then please do leave a comment. No, really! I'd also like to discuss why men lie, why your religion really is the only true religion, and whether your bum really does look big in this. :-)

PPS The truth is I nearly know what women want. I predict I will have complete comprehension of women a few seconds before I die. Nice. Just when you need it.