The World According to... Boring John

Exchanges?

In the last three years, I've been having these exchanges, usually by email or text message (and sometimes via Instant messenger), and usually with a woman.

The exchange often discusses in some detail feelings, love and all that razzmatazz jazz, but sometimes it's just about communication - what she means, what I mean.

It's the same pattern.

A 'problem' occurs.

I express myself, clearly and intelligently.

They express themselves similarly.

Problem over, and through simply 'being myself', the relationship strengthens a little, and the woman's opinion of me, her feelings for me, seems to steadily improve.

I wish I knew what I was doing exactly, because I would bottle 'it', wrap it in fine packaging and have a special sale of the 'product' at the usual times of crises: y'know valentine's day, wedding anniversaries, birthdays and -- cos 'it' would even resolve 'extreme' situations -- moments when forgiveness is seriously required for Messrs Stray Away.

The trouble is this communication process is a complete mystery to me.

Yes I am an emotionally intelligent lil' BJ boy. I empathise well. I'm sensitive etc. And my verbal and written communication skills are excellent (even if I say so myself!).

So, I express myself as clearly as possible and it 'works'.

And I feel a little smug, that I've been blessed with this 'skill'. A skill I rarely, if ever, take advantage of.

So where's the rub, then?

Well, if you hadn't already guessed, I can quite often repeat the process -- express myself as clearly and non-aggressively as possible -- and it badly backfires on me.

One minute I speak and 'she' listens appreciatively, and the next I get a verbal slap in the face for my crassness.

I feel I share Christopher's inability to tell the difference between a frown, a scowl, and a smirk -- he of Curious Incident fame -- where my inability seems to relate to written and verbal communication.

How can one well thought out 'explanation' be fully understood, and fully appreciated whilst another one is received like the proverbial red rag to the bull.

Ouch.

Over.

Finito.

Never to be seen again.

I have literally got my spade at the ready to dig myself out of the hole I am in, but the hole is not only getting bigger, it's almost cavernous in size when I've finished.

How'd that happen, everybody?

What's the difference?

I have some example emails I could show you.

I better not, though.

Instead, here's a message to anyone I've got 'right' then got 'wrong' five minutes later.

I'm not as good a 'good guy' as you think I am, but I'm also not the 'bad boy' either.

I'm just one of billions trying my hardest to rub along with whoever passes in my direction, before the eye has blinked its solitary blink.

Blinkin' hell, eh! Blinkin 'ell!

Seriously, if someone could tell me the difference between intelligent communication on the one hand, and potentially offensive, patronising and undermining communication on the other, I would be eternally grateful.

Perhaps we should all stop being quite so afraid of upsetting people.

If it's that easy to irk someone and for them to stay irked, then maybe they were never friends in the first place.

(Hey, where'd that wisdom come from then!?)

Now if only I'd concentrated a little on non-verbal communication skills when I was really a lil boy blue...