Solving Your Problems - Why Random Answers Don't Work

We all have problems in life, some more difficult to solve than others. (Tell me about it!) But it NEVER helps when people, 'friends', claim that a solution is close at hand, though; that solving your problem is as easy as picking some random words of wisdom.

Yes, I'm about to debunk the myth of solving problems by choosing random answers, and I'm about to do it using examples of real people's problems and revealing the daft answers they received.

Bring it on!

"Simply hold a problem in your mind, and type it into the problem box below. Then click on the Red Pill and there will be your answer (chosen at random)"

That's what it says at website EgoFatigo.com . And d'you know what I say in return, "Yeah, right. What a load of new age tosh!"

It's obvious that each problem must be viewed on its own, and analysed so as to determine the best way to solve it. That means there's no way an answer plucked at random from the electrons buzzing around the interweb can help you. In my not so humble opinion, anyway.

There are no broad brush answers to life's problems. Absolutely not.

Sometime's it is not my fault; sometimes the solution to all our problems does not lie within; sometimes the person with the problem is the other guy (and the next time he shows his face, I'll smack 'im, I really will!).

Don't believe me? Well, you're probably the sort of person that doesn't believe hard evidence when they see it, but I'll show you it to you anyway. Y'see, I went to one of these so-called problem-solving websites, EgoFatigo.com, and I took a look at the problems being solved (and the random answers it gave). And I've reprinted some of those examples below - with permission of course.

Note: these examples are real (including the bad grammar) and they were (more or less) chosen at random, too.

So let's take a look at the results, shall we.

1. "My problem is that I can't think of a problem!"

Random answer:

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks ofchanging himself." - Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

2. "There are 3 woman. A blonde. a brunette. and a red head. Which do i choose and why is that a good decision? P.S.which one will get me some."

"To see your drama clearly is to be liberated from it." - Ken Keyes, Jr

3. "This website is to complicated with the weird answers that don't make any sense?"

Random answer:

"The person without a purpose is like a ship without a rudder." - Thomas Carlyle

4. "Now I have decided to grow up, get a mortgage and have a baby, I don't have anyone to have a baby or settle down with. Do I pick a nice boy with no personality that pays the bills before it's too late? Or do I hold out for a super dude that may not exist eh?"

Random answer:

"One person caring about another represents life's greatest value." - Jim Rohn

5. "Right - so now you're telling me to hold out for someone and persist instead of settling for less right? Isn't that directly opposite to you just telling me caring about someone and having someone to care about me being what mattered in life? When do I get my million pounds and where's my t shirt?"

Random answer:

"Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go." - William Feather

6. "People sometimes forget that I am human so why shouldn't I feel sorry for myself if no one else will."

Random answer:

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily -- by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." - Aristotle

7. "There isn't a 'solve another problem' option so I have to go back twice - what can I do?"

Random answer:

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily -- by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." - Aristotle

8. "When I did the second one about there not being a 'solve another problem' button - it gave me the same answer - is this because I went back twice?"

Random answer:

"He who knows others is learned. He who knows himself is wise." - Lao-Tzu

9. "I need to move a sofa and I cant get a man with a van and all the places are shut!"

Random answer:

"Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." - Jonathan Kozol

10. "I'm clinically obese, what should I do?"

Random answer:

"Expect your every need to be met, expect the answer to every problem, expect abundance on every level, expect to grow spiritually." - Eileen Caddy

11. "Why cant I hold a job for longer then three months?"

Random answer:

"Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress." - Ghandi

--

Ahem, ahem, ahem! Need I comment further? Really?

Here we saw duplicate answers; the clinically obese encouraged to eat what they want; answers to problems that aren't even problems, etc. This kind of problem-solving sometimes antagonises more than soothes, it really does. Just read this, for example, from one such frustrated person with a 'problem':

12. "My problem is [EgoFatigo.com], it sucks and i think it will probably make me go braindead from boredom and the whole stupidity of it"

Random answer:

"You should always be aware that your head creates your world." - Ken Keyes

--

Clearly, the above is mumbo-jumbo nonsense.

Even the answers aren't random, but generalisations (wisdom) that could at a pinch apply to most situations.

Wow, that's clever. Not!

Homer Simpson had it about right when he said, "Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems"

Amen.

If you think this is a load of cynical believe-nothing nonsense then why don't you read part 1 of this article called, Solving Your Problems - Why Random Answers Work? (You'll find it in The World According to Boring John EXTRAS ebook - coming soon to a blog near you!)

Otherwise there really is nothing to see here and you and I should both move on. Problems? What problems!...

Here's a rhetorical question, for ya...

What happens if there are no rhetorical questions?

Aye. I know what you're thinking. Oh-my-God-Not-Another-Christmas-Cracker-Thought-For-The-Minute kinda thing. Okay, skip it, I hear ya! Here's a better rhetorical question:

Is having a relationship - y'know an 'intimate relationship of the sexual kind' type of relationship - worth having to deal with the game-players, the fearful and the commitment-phobes, the plain mixed-up types and all the other ensemble of losers who get in the way of a simple, yet fulfilling, good time?

Well, I ain't being rhetorical here, because the answer is NO!

So will all the losers who find their way to this particular hidey hole, please leave immediately - taking your bad vibe with you - so that the rest of us can just plain enjoy our lives.

Thank you. Kindly.

Yorkshire Airlines

By 'eck, I couldn'ta put it better meself.

Watch and learn you bloody non-Yorkshire peasants...



And, remember, "If it's not in Yorkshire, it's not worth bloody visiting!"

ENOUGH!...

of all that bollox, Joe Strummer's got something to say.

Take it away, Joe...

"People can do anything."

Thanks, Joe. I think the people needed to hear that. And no, I'm not hearing voices from the grave (again) - it's just something Joe said in an excellent DVD documentary called The Future is Unwritten.

It certainly is, Joe. It certainly is.

"How do you like them apples?"

Apologies, dear reader, for the lack of blog entries. But, hey, I can't be in two places at once now can I, and me and Him are still working hard on the book. (The book? Yeah, the one imaginatively titled The World According to Boring John.)

Anyways, as part of my research for today - my material really was poor, and I needed to pad it out a little - I came across some quotes from that top film, Good Will Hunting. So, I thought I'd share.

And if you want me to explain what's being said here, especially in bold, well you can, er, suck my mother-hubbard stick! (Sorry, the testosternone levels are high - book pressures, etc. It's gotta be finished by the end of the year, and we're only half way through the latest rewrite. I meant to say that I just don't have the time to explain - work it out for yourself. ;-) )

Okay, peeps, here come the quotes...

Skylar: What is your obsession with this money? My father died when I was 13 and I inherited this money. You don't think that every day I wake up and wish I could give it back? That I would give it back in a second if I could have one more day with him? But I can't, and that's my life and I deal with it. So don't put your shit on me when you're the one that's afraid.

Will: I'm afraid? What am I afraid of? What the fuck am I afraid of?

Skylar: You're afraid of me! You're afraid that I won't love you back! Fuck it, I wanna give it a shot! At least I'm honest with you.

(By the way, that Will was a lucky bugger indeed. I've always fancied Minnie Driver, despite the dodgy name! As for Skylar, I think she might be onto something there! Whaddya think?)
.
.
.

"Someone's trying to steal your charismatic identity John..."

Hmm!

"Someone's trying to steal your charismatic identity John..." Are they, indeed, Sir Alan? Well, to slightly mis-quote that bloke that used to be on Radio 2, Derek Jameson, do they mean me?

I guess they do.

Hmm, who'd have thunk it? Who'd have thunk that lil ol' Boring me would ever be accused of being a faker and imposter? Who'd think that I was anything but an original?

I guess Sir Alan would.

Anyways, just so's we're clear. No! No-one's trying to steal anyone's identity here.

I was here first, and even if I wasn't I've never even heard of this other other Boring John - until now, that is (intravenously, as ever).

Hmm, guess I'm just goin' to have to reconcile myself to there being more than one Boring John in this world. Hmm, indeed!

"I fail to assert my needs"

Who said that then?

Well it obviously wasn't me - not the sort of thing I'm ever heard saying, that's for bloody sure! So I guess it must have been Him. Not only did He say it, he's in a bloody touchy-feely magazine saying it WITH HIS PHOTO! Soft Git!

The thing is, He's proud of his answer-piece about how how men and women communicate (or something) - he's not embarassed at all. No wonder his siblings think he's, er, 'different'.

So, the magazine?

Psychologies magazine of course, dear blog reader - what other magazine could it possibly be?

(When am I going to get the interview callup for Nuts magazine, or Zoo, that's what I want to know? Then I'll tell Nuts about my failing to assert my needs - failing at least 3 times a night, I should coco! Heheh! )

I can't talk right now...

I can't talk right now, as you may have noticed - sorry. The thing is, I'm in between revisions and it's all getting quite exciting, it really is. Revisions? Yep, the book that I'm in is being revised almost as I speak, and I'm having to concentrate my efforts over there, for now.

Draft #4 won't take long, though - just need to make sure 'the gig' is working, really.

Anyways, as I'm in my 'be nice to Him' mode right now - it's near the end of the book, see, and I'm meant to have softened towards The Daft Git a bit - I may as well wish his new special someone a happy birthday, ain't I? Hey, it costs me little, saying "Happy Birthday Debbi" after all. And I am already here, spouting.

No doubt He will tell her about my little post. Let's just hope her joy leads to his joy (if you know what I mean!) which, in turn, leads to some joy for lil ol' me. Well, I can hope anyway.

And for anyone else who is having a birthday on October 8th, 2007, Clare Grogan has something to say to y'all. Take it away Clare...



And, here's the Altered Images video to boot...

Isn't it about time...

I said something here!

Yep, I guess it is.

O-kay...








"SOMETHING!"








Now come back when I can be bothered to say something important. Right now, I can't. I'm reposing. Ya got a problem with that? Well, let's take it outside, shall we? I'll wait for ya. No better still, you wait for me. I'll be there in a jiffy...

(Etc.)

If What?

Rudyard Kipling once wrote a poem called If

Go on, read it! It won't take long...

Done? Okay, now it's a nice poem and all - Mr Kipling does write exceedingly good words (sorry, couldn't resist!) - but still, bugger me! ya gotta be kidding, ain't ya Rudders? So that's all you've got to do to be a man? Well, sign me up for being a woman right now, then - cos no way can it be as hard as being a man (if Rudyard Kipling's right, that is!). Yeah, I'll put up with the periods and doin' doggie if that's what it takes to be a woman, anything but having to endure that litany of impossible qualities to simply being a man.

Or is Rudyard talking about "A Man", that close cousin of another mythical creature called Real Man?

Let me ask you something: Do we have terms like real woman? No, we don't. So why is there such a notion of a real man? There are good and bad men, but there are not real men, just like there's no such thing as "being black" - "You're not very black are you!" states the brain-dead bimbo! It's a load of bollocks summed up, beautifully and eloquently, by Rudyard Kipling's poem.

If indeed!

Self-fulfilling Prophecies

Question: do you believe in self-fulfilling prophecies?

Do you worry about something so much, the washing machine breaking down for example, or your boyfriend doing a runner with the neighbour, that it actually comes to pass?

Seriously. Do you? Has something you've worried about for a while now actually happened? Has it?

Well, if so, I've got another question for you: whyja do that then?

That's some pretty f*cked-up thinking habits ya got there, make no mistake. I'd go see someone about it, if I were you. And I'd definitely go get your washing machine checked over too.

Go on. Do it now. And keep the rest of us from yer doom and gloom scenarios. (Your sort is not wanted around these parts no more...)

"Are we turned off by sex?"

In the beginning, He used to write replies to magazine articles that particularly irritated Him. Well, as I fully reclaim ownership of this blog I'd like to do the same. And, as I'm a fictional character, my gloves can come off!

So, okay, the article appears in Psychologies magazine. It's an article about sex, but only women get to answer. Huh? Well, maybe there's your first problem pinned down straight away - no communication with the men folk!

Yes, several noteworthy and reasonably scrubbed-up-well women-types get to voice their viewpoints, a few of which I shall share. I shall do like Channel 4 though, and quote out of context so I can more fully take the p*ss!

Vitallia F tells us "Eventually sex will stop being sexy". And I say, er, no!

Sarah H, one of the few authors to be interviewed, comes up with the genius bit of insight, "How often you have sex doesn't matter, it's about how you do it". Well, thank you for that now get on yer back! (Ha ha, just joking. Promise. I'm not such a hoodlum, really. I wish.)

Infamous blogger Abby L (still hiding behind a nom de plume - what a wuss! Hee hee!), famous for a voracious sexual appetite (why that should be news, I don't know - if it's good enough for men, then it really should be good enough for women, too), comes up with this gem: "I believe better sex comes from a woman creating an honest dialogue with a partner and getting to know herself". Hmm, how do you go about doing that, exactly, doing your voracious thing? I might as well ask one of those Player types the secret to a good sex-life, hadn't I? Bing-bang-bong would be their reply, no doubt - several times a night. Hmm.

Helen T has something sensible to say. (Yippee!) It goes against the grain, but I reluctantly have to agree with her, "With my current boyfriend I waited a month before we had sex, and it was definitely better for it." Helen doesn't say what was better, but anyway.

And Kim M-D is having a career break. What the f*ck! What is having a career break? Is it being a Doley? Is it scrounging a living off your other half? Or is it raising a young family like they used to do back in the (bad old) day? Maybe women's lives have progressed so much that they genuinely do take career breaks. Or maybe it's middle class bollox for looking after the kids. I'm not sure.

--

And Boring John? Well, he isn't turned off by sex. Far from it. Very much far from it. (Alas.)

The Salmon Dance?

Is this De La Soul or maybe it's even a quirkier-than-usual Lemon Jelly.

Nah, tis The Chemicals (press play!)...


Fancy.

Actually, I don't fancy yours much at all! ("Who's hungry?")

Three Steps to Heaven

1. Get your favourite pair of sunglasses. Buff them up nice and make sure you can see your face reflected back.
   
   
2. Sit yourself down, or stand up - heaven is flexible like that - and turn up the volume control a little on your computer.
   
   
3. Press play |> below; and listen, feel, and nod your head if necessary (and just toss glasses in the bin)

There's Nowt So Strange as... Email

I read this funny email today - not sure who wrote it (he lied). Anyway, here it is:

"I think people deal with [difficult] situations differently. If H. really didn't feel anything for you then I don't think he'd have to hide himself away in another relationship as soon as possible. You are facing your feelings and he isn't. That's all. So don't think that he didn't care about you, because, perversely, his current behaviour means that he did. That's how I think you should look at it, anyway :-)"

So, black is white then and if I beat you up it means that I love you, really.

Wow! There's nowt so strange as email is there, nowt so strange indeed?

Marmite Anyone?

Who would write an internet dating profile like this (and expect to "get some" after having done so)?

Profile begins...

Why should people get to know you?

Why should you bother reading any further than this line? Well, frankly, I'm bloomin marvellous to put not too fine a point on it. And you'd be mad not to engage with me a little, just to find out more. In fact, I seriously doubt that there are more than a handful of men as lovely, interesting, sexy and plain stonkingly fit as me, on here!

Of course it is all in the eye of the beholder and I may not float your boat, but aren't you just a little bit curious?

Nobody likes a big head, I know, and I am of course affecting this somewhat to garner your attention a little. But I do think I am pretty damned fine, notwithstanding a few flaws here and there. (I like to think of my flaws as material to work with! It would be boring, after all, if there were no challenges for you. Don't you agree? ;-) )

The trouble with being so marvellous, though is that I'm in demand. This is especially so in this online world where others post pics of themselves when they were skinny and twenty-something, not thinking that the balding forty-year old fatty squashed in the corner isn't going to put you off a tad! (Blokes, huh?) So that means I don't need this profile to get lots of interest - I'm looking for the *right kind* of interest and, free tip here, you should be too.

Hey, there will be always be guys on here with bigger cars than me and bigger wallets, bigger brains even, and bigger other stuff for all I care. If big is what matters to you most then I suggest you stop reading now. (Shh, I can here their car keys jangling now!) It's the 'sum of all the parts' thing that really matters, though, if you ask me.

It's also possible that you might find cuter guys on here, too, affecting a 'do you mean me' look of modesty in their photo (just check the Soulmates popular profiles to see what I mean). I'm cool with that. Good luck to 'em. I am not here to be "Popular", I am here to meet a discerning one or two. My photo's hidden but I am more than happy with my physical appearance ta very much.

Describe your ideal match

You don't need to have an eejit attitude like mine, for one thing, but I won't hold it against you if you do, either. Believe me, by bark is worse than my bite - I am actually a lovely man, but how do you say that without sounding like a git? So that means that this bit of my previous profile is still true "It would be great too if you shared my marvel at the world we live in. The world is marvellous, even with all this rain!"

Actually, I believe the world would be a whole lot better place if we all thought more highly of ourselves, in a good way of course. And there's not enough passion on the planet, either. So take a look at some of my passions and imagine yourself joining in...

• Walking. Not just to "pretty places", either; I just love walking anywhere
  
• Going to the movies. Big fan of intelligent and clever, and hate brain-dead (why would I want to kill my brain prematurely?)
  
• Kissing, touching and all that ooh-la-la. (I'm good, what can I say!)
  
• Dancing to groovy beats, or any music with attitude
  
• Writing. Yeah I like writing, and I might even write you a poem, to "get you in the mood"!

There is more, obviously but I have to maintain a little bit of mystery, don't I?

As for you, please be interested in something other than shopping. We're only here for a short time, and buying lots of stuff you don't need every weekend don't sound too imaginative to me. Share my passions or have your own. Be bright, be fun and above all be yourself!

A few last thoughts for you to linger over, then. I don't "do it" for everybody, but just think if I "did it" for you, even if only as a friend. A man with emotional intelligence, with spunk and a modest dollop of charisma, who you might also want to be rude with too - I ask ya, how many of those do you get to the pound, these days?

Anyway, I think I've blown my own trumpet long enough. Over to you: whaddya say? Are you up for something 'different'?

(Hey, at least it beats "liking night's out and night's in".)

Profile ends.

So who would write such a profile?

Answer: He would.

Is it any wonder He's such a frustrated guy? Tch.

"If I only had time"

If I only had time...

I'd press play and I'd listen and watch, and I'd get my groove on - "yeah, baby!"



If this is the soundtrack to the World According to Boring John then I likes! I just need to find meself one of these and we "busy". Bzz!

Agent Bhangra vs The Buddha (Part 1)

If you should go to the woods tonight... Or rather, if you should go to Agent Bhangra's place on MySpace tonight - y'know for a rayt good physical workout (of bhangra aerobics)! If you should do that, you will find this lovely, quaint saying there:

"Ambition is like love, impatient both of delays and rivals."

Ooh, we wonder what harm that wicked love doth do to one so fair and sweet as Agent B. (We wonder why I doth come over all poetic too.)

But, Lady B, did the Buddha really say that? Are you sure that it wasn't some other geyser called Sir John Denham. He seems much more your type of guy, no? A sir and all.

Okay, okay so it was Siddharta Buddha - Sir JD must have said it later. (Bloddy Johnny Come-Latelys - who needs em!) So, do you and ol' Siddy B. have a thing going on then, eh, Agent Bhangra? Did he seduce you with his fine words, did he? Tch, you so easy, girl!

"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace."

Oooh, he is a smooth one indeed. I bet his actions speak louder than words, too, if you know what I'm getting at. Heh heh!

You wish!

Actually, you should be careful what you wish for, Agent Bhangra, covered as you are with your permagrin and lycra, cos the Buddha, he say this too:

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world."

With my thoughts I make my world, that's for sure: the world according to Boring John. And in my world I know that you fancy him rotten, I know it. Don't deny it, hon., just don't! We all know that you're pretending to be disinterested, but you're loved up for 'im good and proper, I know. Oh baby!

Remember, "Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. "

Oh, oh, here comes the bhangra beat!

Oh, oh, here comes the snarl!

Oh, oh, here comes the hand, ready to be clenched!

All right, on second thoughts, you can deny it all you want. I've 'eard about that tongue of yours, and that snarl, and maybe the Buddha has too - eep!

"The tongue like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood."

You can't argue with that.

Yep, that Buddha gets around a bit, knows a thing or two. He does a lot of thinking; a lot of thinking about ideas...

"An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea."

I likes that one in particular, I do.

And this:

"There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting."

Oh yes.

(Do you think that's what Elvis meant to say in his latest no.1 hit ?)

And this one is schweet, too:

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

(What are you doin' this moment, hunny bun, right this moment? Ya smilin'? Ah, schweet!)

But then he says:

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."

So what are we all to think, huh, what are we all to feel?

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

Oh no, no! Not the hot coals routine, again. You and yer bloody coals, Mr Sid Carter; always with the hot coals. Ya had to go and spoil things with yer 'grasping a hot coal' spiel. (Tch! That bloody know-it-all Buddah - enough already!)

As for you, AB, you so spoilt you really are. You get a whole page of words from me and the buddha. What more could a girl ask for, eh? What more, indeed...

Perhaps you would like to comment.

In yer own good time, of course, in yer own good time.

BJ

PS Agent Bhangra, AgentBhangra, agent bha-ba-ha-hah!-angra :-)
Agent Bhangra!

Blue Moon

What happens once in a so-called blue moon?

Good fortune, perhaps? Well, it all depends which way you're inclined, I guess. Gary Player was once attributed to have said, "The harder I work, the luckier I get". So you may well be favoured by good fortune more often than once in a blue moon, or it may never happen, it all depends on the type of person you are. (Oh yes it does!) So, I say no.

Meeting someone special? Well, the very word special implies that it's something that might not happen very often, that might indeed happen once in a blue moon. So I say probably.

A blue moon? Well, full marks to the clever clogs at the back. Yes, a blue moon does happen once in a blue moon. Well done. Take a bow. And so on. Mr Delmonte (and I) say yes.

PS Anyone into blue moons please feel free to leave a comment, below. I'd love to know how you yourself are affected by such strange goings on up above.

"I'm Back!..."

"At last! After over six hundred and sixty days"

"Bigger, badder, better!

"I'm back!

"C'mon!"

Erm, that was a message from my, er, sponsor!

I too, will be back soon... bigger, badder and better. Er, c'mon!

(Watch this space in 2008. The World According to Boring John as paper book!)