The World According to... Boring John

"Life is a crock of shit"
- Kilgore Trout

"...God give me strength for it was much more than I could bear!"
- [Author without name]

So what does Boring John think about life? (And why is that bloody author without a bloody name, still? Why is he - must be a bloody he - griping on about wimmin when we're talking about life here? Back to the script...)

What does Boring John think?

He aint as cool about it as he should be, that's fer sure. (Clearly.) Dagnabbit. I mean he still gets annoyed when he tries to arrange a meeting with one particular imaginary character - a soiree for goodness sake. All she has to do is fail to respond, fail to answer his questions about the meeting of minds (?) for a few days and he gets annoyed, he gets agitated and he gets aggressive.

Huh?

What's annoying about that?

• The fact that none of his other friends (real or imaginary) do this to him. They all say, 'Meet me here at 7pm. Here's my mobi in case there's any trouble. Here's my email. Blah blah blah'. So what?
  
• The fact that he has absolutely no idea why, after a few years of 'knowing him' this imaginary character still behaves with caution towards him. Still waters might run deep, he thinks, but no one ever got run over (repeatedly) by still, freakin, waters whether they run deep or not.
  
• The fact that this caution smacks of fear. Fear? he asks himself. What does a freakin imaginary character like Boring John have to do to prove that he is not the bad guy in this story? He's a genuine, bona fide, good guy. Extra good on Tuesdays. Yeah he makes mistakes, but his heart's in the right place. He aint someone to fear. Etc.

The Iraq war; Shilpa versus Jade; July 7th Conspiracies* Now these things are annoying. That stuff above? When you're coolio with life, it's a rant on a blog at most. Move along. Nothing to see here. More et ceteras.

Mr Editor, you're right! You know what, it's not annoying.

And Boring John is only writing this piece because it used to be annoying, f*cking annoying indeed. The most annoying thing about it, though, was the fact that he really didn't understand this behaviour and HE LIKES TO UNDERSTAND more than anything else in the world. More than dancing; more than sticking it in; and more than football or talking about David Beckham's salary (how much?)!

But Boring John is a little wiser these days, the straight-jacket a tad more comfortable; and the need to understand is slowly being replaced by the need to accept. (Though he's been saying that for a long time in his various efforts to get the knickers off. [That's harsh - Mr Editor])

So is life a crock of shit or is Kilgore just a sour-faced trout?

Tell me, in person, why don't ya! Whether there are other Bohemian Creatures to witness the conversation or not. Who needs 'em? We don't.

--

(*) Note: it is not 7/7 (seven seven). We freakin DON'T use that expression for our dates in the UK. I know it would have confused the Americans if the July 7th bombers blew themselves up on the 8th of July. They'd be thinking 7th of August not 8th of July and it wouldn't quite have the same ring to it. No, it obviously had to be the 7th of July so everyone understands. In the same way it had to be doubly spelt out to our wealthier cousins in the great US of A: 9/11 - could it be any clearer? It's great that the terrorists had such an understanding of Western media when they planned these terrorist atrocities, it really is.

Yes. I am digressing. What time shall we meet? Lol