The World According to... Boring John

(with comments, sage or otherwise, from Boring John)

The latest Cosmopolitan magazine (June 2006) -- ah, the burdens of writer's research! -- has a piece called Single Myths [busted]. And here, for your delectation, are the three myths:

1. "Smart single women despair of ever finding true love"
   
   Cosmo says: "Smart single women are too busy having fun to despair". We're not sitting at home crying into our wine or frantically hunting for The One
   
   Boring John says: No despair, but sometimes no fun either! The thing is, everyone wants to be with a special person. Similarly, everyone gets fed up of not meeting him or her (or is too impatient (or unwise) to recognise when they have met them!).
   
   
2. "Single women are getting too picky"
   
   Cosmo says: "Single women won't settle for faulty goods". So there's something wrong with turning your nose up at the obnoxious guy propping up the bar?
   
   Boring John replies: "No, but there's something wrong with being too picky"
   
   
3. "Single women are too worried about the size of their bums to flirt"
   
   Cosmo says: "Caring about how we look would never stop us flirting"
   
   Boring John says that he is such a terrible flirt that he couldn't possibly comment on flirtation or on bum size! (He's also crap at seduction. Just ask anyone fortunate(!) enough to have been:
   
   * Smooched with, in his living room or bedroom
   * Asked if they needed to be 'tucked in', whilst sleeping in the spare bed
   * Told that he probably won't love them in the morning and unless they sign the boyfriend-waiver disclaimer to say that they understand this then a snog etc. is deffo out of the question

Actually I agree that single women should not be picked on. The same insecurities could equally be directed to men. No one likes being single, really. Everyone is seeking a special friend that [insert your special friend needs here] and [insert the rest of your special friend needs here] without [insert pet hate about opposite sex here].

Oh, apart from 23 year old readers of Cosmo of course.

Talking of Cosmo readers. I find it interesting that most of the ads. at the back of the magazine are for cosmetic surgery. Which is not surprising with the amount of impossibly-shaped women (read thin anorexic types) that populate the pages. Still, at least the dove self-esteem fund knows there's a problem. They've got a full one-page ad in Cosmo with the headline: "She thinks she's fat... Let's help her change her mind"

But then I've always been fascinated by the contradictions inside Cosmo magazine, as my liking for this particular poem highlights:

I wish I was fantantric

I wish I was fantantric
in bed
Instead
I'm just
a five
minute
w o n d e r !

Wonder why
my girlfriend
smiles so
Guess she doesn't know
she's not being
satisfied

Her smiles
are ignorant denials;
her pleasure
is
false treasure.

The measure?
I often lose control
We never breathe in time
It's rarely hour after hour
Just a sour
five minutes (maybe ten)
again and again

... So, I wish I was fantantric
in bed
Guess I'll just keep reading
Cosmo,
instead.